you looked at me
through half-closed lids
sleepy smile on your lips
my hand touched yours
swiftly exchanged the smoking gun
I watched your lips wrap around it
and wished it was me instead
if I could freeze time
it would be that moment
locked in the smoky room
and the prison of your mouth

you say you are afraid
afraid that something deeper
is going to end up hurting you
as it always does

but at what point
do you realize
you cannot have deeper
without the hurt

because the risk of pain
pales in comparison
to finding someone worth keeping

when we met i saw stars
and not just the ones in the sky
but the ones in your eyes
and the ones that danced in the air when you laughed
i waited days and weeks and months
before i asked what we were doing
to which you said things would happen
but you needed time, so nothing felt rushed
and since then you have told me
that you never felt a moment
that pushed you to be in a relationship...
i was a competitive swimmer for ten years
so, naturally, water is where i’m most comfortable
you say this and i think back to summer
where days were spent running in and out of the ocean
waist deep in water where i can still jump waves
only, this time i jump too soon and i’m thrown under-
i can feel the sand scraping my knees, my shoulders, my back
the salt burns and burns... and burns
i sit on the towel for a minute
but something calls me back to the water
because i know the burn
and i’d rather feel the burn
than never touch the ocean again
i’d take a hundred bad waves
for the salty smell and the sun in my hair any day.
this is just a bad wave.
i tell you not to worry
if you need time, take it;
i will tread the water and i will take the burn
because at some point it will get dark...
hopefully you’ll see the stars then too

allow me to set the scene:
the lights are low- or maybe off-
or maybe you’re illuminated by each other’s smiles
and the dimly lit faerie lights draped along the headboard.
the blankets are pushed to a corner
and somewhere tangled in the sheets
are the clothes you showed up in.
the walls you’ve built have been completely
and irrevocably destroyed- but for once, that’s okay.
you can feel the weight of his ribs against your hips,
this is what you’ve been waiting for-
well not this, but him.
“stay” you whisper.
and of course, he continues.
you could swear everything is just melting around you
because you look at his face
and it’s like you’re somewhere beyond cloud nine
but this is not what you meant.
“stay” did not mean put your hands on my thighs
and keep going.
it didn’t mean keep your clothes off.
“stay” meant come lay down next to me
and hold my hand when you think i’m sleeping
it meant let’s fall asleep to the sound of each other’s laugh.
“stay” meant bare feet under covers
and space heater skin
I wish I understood how these emotions became ******* like this
it’s the *** before the feeling
but why does it have to be like this?
i always find myself apologizing
and wondering what’s wrong with me-
i can’t help that i find a deep emotional investment within people
i can’t help that when i look at you
i feel like every poem i’ve ever read
but it seems like you and i have been reading different books.

The doctor closed the fist-shaped hole
Of your absence,
With little black knots,
"Come back in six months;
We'll check up on you"
I'm sitting on the table,
But there is no doctor.
There is me and there is you.
You're whispering
Sweet nothings into my ear,
And tearing my stitches out,
One by one.
I can see the hole again-
"Code Blue"
Only it's not blue,
Your eyes are green.
And I when I wake up later,
You're back.
I try to talk, but you interrupt-
you tell me I'm pretty.
"Begin compressions"
Blood is everywhere.
Months pass.
You are lying in bed next to me;
You kiss me on the mouth.
"Charge to 300"
You are gone.
Please don't come back.

I found my way to the river last week.
The current is keeping me afloat
The sun tanned my skin
The dirt ran through my hair
And the rocks almost never hit me
So I swam and swam and swam.

I came home and told you about how great it was.
I am back again today.
The current is against me  
The sun is burning it's words onto my skin
The dirt is tangled up in my throat
And the rocks hit my rib cage like bullets.
You're not here anymore.
But I'm swimming.
I will swim and swim and swim.

my fingers shook against the white buttons
perched at the hollow of your throat.
i stuttered through an apology
i was eighteen
and still hopelessly in love with you

and i know i gave you up
but there we were
lips against my cheek
thumbs against your hip bones
your shirt on the floor of the car
pink lace on the dashboard

i smiled at the face i knew
and the lips i'd missed
and the laugh i'd loved

you showed up a week later
a new blonde against your side

i still don't know what i should have said

I firmly believe that the issue with us
was not an uncanny ability to dissemble,
but rather intense desire.

You craved submission and control,
you wanted compliance
and you sought out a weakness I didn't know I had.

I craved acceptance and confidence,
I wanted acquaintance.

In your pillage of my soul
you took a piece of me
that's need I knew not.

You took the very piece holding me together
and tried to shove it into yourself,
hoping, wishing, praying
it would make you who you wanted to be.

And in the flurry of your thievery,
you ripped me apart
and left me without the innocence
I'd never know.

when I think of you
I think of your eyes and the way you spooned me when you thought I was sleeping
I think of cinnamon whiskey and the time we stumbled home in the snow
I think of the bones by your hips and my hands tracing the freckles on your chest
I think of your space-heater skin and the sound of your laugh
and sometimes when I think of you
it's like I can't think at all
as if I'm too caught up in you to think straight

A year has passed,
And here we are:
Lover to lover,
Ex to ex,
Face to face.

My hair is short now-
I cut off fourteen inches.
And my skin is paler.

You've gotten taller,
I always felt like a child around you.
Your eyes are greener.

You're looking at me-
Studying me.
You tell me I look different-
You tell me I look prettier.

I smile and mumble thank you.
You smile too,
But your eyes are dark,
And your hands are trembling-

I am prettier now.
I talk more. I'm different.
I'm what you wanted.

And now you panic.
You're scared and you're angry.
You lost me.
You lost me and you wish now,
That you could come back.
You wish that you'd never said those words-
"This is where I leave you"

For a while,
I wished too.
But now, you can watch.
You can watch me
Grow and talk and get prettier
You can watch me walk away
Away from you now,
And away from everything we had.
I don't wish anymore.

Now I walk away.
Now, this is where I leave *you.

I had you over for my birthday
Two years ago
                                                             ­                           -Don't you remember?
We watched a movie.
You used that blanket from my bed.
The old plaid one.
It was tan and blue.
I forgot the title of that movie.
                                                                ­         -That actress you like was in it.
Pieces of the memory must've bled away in the shower,
Just drips down the drain.
                                                                ­                  -it only took one this time
I love that blanket.
I use it every night.
Pulled up to the tips of my ears.
But strewn to the left.
                                                           ­  -I have to sleep with one foot out now
I think it smells like you.
                                                                ­     -I've washed it a hundred times.
Or maybe it just a memory.
I have this old fleece blanket.
It's plaid
                                                           ­                     -a plaid of tans and blues...
I think tan is a warm color.
                                                          ­        -but not as warm as your fingertips
Nothing's ever the same as you.
Even though I love that blanket
It will never be you.
It will never keep me warm like your arms did.
It will never love my laugh like you did.
Not now. Not soon. *Not ever.

When you and I were we,
You introduced me:
Never as your girlfriend,
Never as your love,
But only by name
And when people ask who she is,
You say
"This one is special"
But she was not the one
Who had you laughing at the wind,
While you got on a knee,
And put a lifesaver ring
on her left hand.
*So who the hell was I?

You left in the midst of winter
I was okay
But then I felt the wind
Blowing through my chest

I tried to find a boy to fill it,
To keep me warm.
The one with the tan skin,
And the one with the icy eyes,
But it never worked.

You didn't leave a perfect hole,
Not a circle,
Not a square,
But ragged and crooked.
You were gone in a blink,
And I haven't seen you since

**I'm beginning to like the cold

it was october,
and you bought me dinner.
in december,
it was a tee shirt
and february,
it was pink roses.

in april,
you came with a blue sundress.
and july,
it was the little black kitten.
in september,
it was a movie.

my birthday came in november,
and that time it was a necklace.
in december,
it was dinners,
and movies,
a bracelet-
all just things.

because in the end,
you'd given me everything
I'd ever wanted,

but you never gave me
what i needed,
and all along that was you.

(1) October
leather converse and a grey hoodie,
lipslipslips
behind the pool,
but it could have been the Eiffel Tower,
all I saw was you.

(3) December
silver bells and open flames,
familyfamilyfamily
always made me feel safe,
but nothing could protect me
from the icy gaze of your mother.

(4) January
icy nights and harry potter,
lovelovelove
like the howling wind at midnight,
whispered in my ear,
but did i hear you right?

(5) February
reds and pinks
kisskisskiss
grazing along my skin,
as if you had the Midas' touch,
so why were the roses you gave me already dead?

(7) April
freckled skin and fruity lotion
legslegslegs
spread apart like your favorite book,
wishing for the soft gaze of adoration,
but knowing it was only lust.

(9) July
warm sand and chlorine kissed skin,
handshandshands
you promised to keep me up,
but when the waves came,
I choked on water, while you laughed in the sun.

(11) September
school bells and new cars,
leatherleatherleather
warm under the sun,
sticking to my legs,
just like your lips on my neck.


(13) November
tan blankets and thanksgiving break,
friendsfriendsfriends
seventeen candles stuck around the cake,
ready for the wish
I thought had come true.

(14) December
windy nights and rainy mornings
fightfightfight
we couldn't see eye to eye,
and the lines between blame and fault,
blurred and turned grey.

(15) January
cloudy days and lonely nights,
alonealonealone
I said goodbye,
and sometimes I still wonder why-
but your mother never liked me anyway.