I wanted to sing you to sleep,
But along with my heart, you took my voice.

i.
he's ranting and
raving again
i wonder if it will ever just

stop

ii.
i count the seconds until the
door slams, until the pain seeps into
his drunk smirk of a smile and
god, i wish
i wish that i could remove
what makes him
hurt

iii.
in turn, she screams and pleads
with him to come down from his
high
to look sobriety in the face,
and declare himself a winner
once and for all

iv.
he will never push past his
stubborn ways, his childhood
still raw and i know his wounds,
because i am a part of him

You could tell me a million
things with just that    one    look
That one glare, as you sit
and stare at me at the dinner table

No, you don't know me
And no matter how many times
you try and unravel the threads
You know you are just making it worse

The search feels never-ending,
If there are "amillionfishinthesea,"
then why am I still alone?

When I first met you,
I already had begun to make
excuses for you.
The things that you were lacking,
were replaced by something else
and where you had missed,
I had noticed

So when you ask me to take the good,
with the bad, but there is so much good to be had,
I wonder if my body, my heart
is capable of enduring your pain,
Because yours will become mine,
and while I know I am going
to try and save you,
Play the superwoman I know I can be,
I am going to be disappointed
Again and again

When you choose this
over me

(you know when you look around yourself,
and you come to the realization that you have
absolutely no ******* idea how you got there?)

you were standing next to me in the kitchen,
waiting for a response,
waiting for anything really, from me
I couldn't speak.
I know what you want from me,
and yet I can't seem to tell you the truth:
it can't be me.

I'm messy, and I'm hard to love.
I have no other explanation.
I really wish I did,
I really wish when I went to kiss you
that I could have made it all better,
kissed it all away.
Awoke in the morning like nothing had transpired.
When I say it's too late, it's not,
I just...I can't.

I didn't want that kind of weight. I wanted YOUR weight, the way you told me how you were built solid from age ten and on up, no one dared to mess with you. I tried to get close enough, at one point we were breathing the same recycled air and I thought, "****." It was still always the wrong timing, your family's dramatic sit-com life, an ex-lover left to berate you and your cute son tugging on your arm. There was no where for me to fit, whether I tried to squeeze close or not-it was really all for nothing.

i.
I always offered every part of myself, to you
So when I found out about what she had done,
How she had made you feel
Hurt seeping from your every pore,
I rushed down right away
To be there.

ii.
But in the process, I have realized something
To not put myself first, before you,
Before her,
Is killing me
That is the worst part of it all,
To watch myself continue to give to you,
The things that I no longer have
To watch myself continue to hold you,
When it's all just false comfort
A way for me to feel okay about
the things that have taken place

iii.
I still am trying.
Does that speak volumes,
or am I running around in circles again?
I always wanted to go somewhere with you,
Anywhere but where we remained,
Stagnant,
And you taught me to love,
but in ways that were too late,
In ways that I noticed
Long after the fact
In ways that I could not validate,
Yet you never validated me,
Never any part of me

iv.
I want to know what makes you hurt,
Just like you spilled those ***** secrets to her,
Yet was I never good enough to know?
We shared everything else,
But I realize now that she may have known
you better, within the span of a two week time
I sat on my knees, hands clasped, begging you
You accused me of never asking,
But it doesn't mean I wasn't still thinking,
Wasn't still aching for you to reach out
I shouldn't be the one to pry
I just didn't want be that girl,
Yet she was that girl for you

v.
And look where it got us,
Back to the same place, all over again
Rewind and repeat, and yet

*I'll still be here.

Losing my mom before my 30's taught me a lot about life. It's short. Short in the "she was in remission for eight years, there's no way it could come back" short. Because it did. Come back.

It showed me what it feels like when the air is physically ****** out of the room - the feeling of a soul leaving the body. And that even the most private of people may still want their family surrounding them during their last breaths. It taught me how to administer the correct amount of morphine, consol a father who is inconsolable and pick the "perfect" urn. I learned there is a part of myself I will never get back because I was a part of her and she a part of me.

I will never just 'get over this.'
Somedays I feel like no one remembers or cares and for that Mom, I am sorry.
I know you're never coming back but I still somehow hold onto a small sliver of hope that you will.
And when I realize you're not,
The wave hits me again.
And again
Onto my *** and each time
It becomes harder and harder to stand back up.

I'm still that little girl,
Ten years old with ***** palms
hands up; and wide eyed
looking for reasons to make this okay
So, when I tell you that I'm
dependant on you for a reason,
That I do not know any better,
I'm really telling you the
**truth

I stood in the middle of your chaos,
guitar melodies and melted candle wax,
cigarette butts from another drunken night
and that **** futon that always made
me awaken, toss and turn
but I never reached for you
and you never reached for me
I knew right away,
this should tell me something
about the way we both love
Not enough,
or too much
and neither is ever
right

a blank page,
waiting to be filled,
waiting to be violated and blemished,
waiting to carry every single last burden
it stays waiting, because i can't
seem to reach my expectations
it will never be enough
and i will always come up short
with that puzzled look on my face,
like i didn't know this would happen
like i had no idea at all

I don't have much to say these days,
but I think it's because I have too much
waiting to be said

I remembered where you lived,
even if I knew it was the wrong decision to be made,
I still showed up, and sat beside you,
Entertained you while in bed,
Baring everything and nothing,
Because we both know,
I don't have that much to give anymore

But you still cherish my company
Like it's something you've never seen before
And I watch your face as it reminds me of a million others
But still, I wanted to stay
Just one more second longer
And I think that should speak more
For the both of us

There's always more that could have been done.
But I think I walked away just in time.

You always try to fix me,
this time, please don't.
-

Misplaced, my heart
I am a body, my face
My hands, But
This is not living

I tell her I need to leave
The small town streets,
And dead end family ties
Are suffocating me until...
I look at her wide eyed,
Images of California sunshine -
I could even care less about your ex,
What are the odds?
And what is the point?

She has dreams,
But mine are larger

I can barely make room.

because you always had the right answers.

that's why i came rushing to you,
in a flailing of arms and hands,
rushed words, but still you understood,
like we had our own kind of secret language
hidden from the world

you would attempt to play god,
wrap me up in prayers and calm meditations,
speaking from something other-worldly
but still, it always worked
i couldn't blame you for that
i still can't look you in the eyes and
tell you how badly you broke my heart
i was young, and you were older but you
should have known better, or maybe

this is the way things need to be
you can't let me go because i know i
was the only flesh that you have felt
underneath your palms, and i know all
too well that you took that kiss to mean
something far more important,
you tried to save me,
because i had already saved you

but i will never have all of the answers
like you, christopher.

i.
We would sleep, but never touching,
your sheets were always cold,
your room dark, like a thick blanket

You told me tonight that all you
wanted to do was hold me in your arms,
I didn't know if this was the truth
or the ***** speaking your sentiments
for you

ii.
You have been out with women,
women who I'm sure were beautiful,
who were possibly more expressive,
more full of life,
able to offer you what I couldn't
but still, you said
that you were left with
comparisons
and that every time

I won.

“You’re overweight,” he says, tapping his finger against his chart of heights and measurements, thighs too big and fingers too plump. I already know. I nod, and continue nodding, listening to the word echo and then fall onto the ground, bouncing and bounding, restrictions that have surrounded my whole life, my whole curvy figure. If I could be like the girls with the flesh wrapped tight and the bones loose and caving in on one another, I would grab the chance before it had a chance to flutter away from my desperately aching hands. When I look in the mirror, I try to remind myself that flaws are flaws and yet they were made to be beautiful, but I see what I see and what I see makes me want to *****, makes me want to close my eyes, makes me want to pull and tug and rip until there is nothing left but a pile of rotting decay. I am stuck, I am back on the playground in sixth grade where the boys would taunt and laugh, point and gasp, as I tried to pretend I looked like everyone else, every other small, petite little girl who didn’t have to worry about these types of things. My clothes don’t fit, I’ve gone through seven pairs of jeans in the last month alone, I look back at the pictures when I thought I was fat, but I wasn’t, I was fine then, why did I think that? I lay in bed beside the man I’m supposed to be with, fully clothed and pushing his hands away from my hips, away from my lips, don’t touch me then if you can’t handle all that I have to give. I’m not her, and she never wished to be me.

dad, i stumble over the words
just as i did as a child,
and you took me in your arms
and rocked me to sleep
numerous nights,
i've cried,
and you've left,
and you keep leaving
me

a child needs her daddy,
a young girl needs her daddy,
a grown woman needs her daddy,
you were never...
present

why,
i could have begged ten times over
for you to put down that can of beer
that whole case completely demolished
i tried to empty the cans into the sink
one by one,
i never got far,
and there was still some left over...

why,
couldn't you have loved me
more, better,
just love me

here i am, 23,
and still longing for your
presence in my life,
instead i try to fill with addiction
and voids,
boys who try too hard for
all the wrong reasons,
and dad,
tell me
why i am so dependent
on the ways of this world
that haven't ever mattered?

were you ever present in my life,
or were you always drunk,
slurring your words and stumbling over
the memories,
like you always have,
as i count the beer cans,
find the beer cans
crush the beer cans,
the **** same beer
that you have been drinking since
i can remember

you used to tell me so many stories,
you used to make them up,
entertain me with your sense of humor
hold me a little closer
dad,
where are you?
where have you been?
your little girl
still
misses
you

I dream of her.
I shouldn't.

but my subconscious has this thing -
it doesn't listen to me.
her hips pop up under closed eyelids
I wake remembering only the feel of her skin.

Dear sickness,
I couldn't carry her up the stairs.
Her weight was unbearable and she lay limp in my arms.
Dear chemo,
She really did lose all of her hair.
We would go out in public and people would stare.
She wore a wig but still, I knew.
Dear limbs so skinny,
I watched her walk down the hallway using her walker.
My father clutching her arm, guiding.
It broke me in two, to see the jutting bones.
There was nothing left of her.
Dear insanity,
I remember the night she called to say goodbye.
She thought she wasn't going to last another day,
After all... the nurses were out to get her,
and she didn't understand why she had to take so many pills.
Dear rotting tumor,
You had been growing for over a year in her brain.
Taking up space where there should have been healthy cells growing.
You took away so much, the little things,
the big things, the important things...
The heart and soul of things.
Dear growing pains,
I realized what it meant to age quickly,
To grow up sooner than you are ready.
I did it, and I'm still here.
My mother's still here,
although some parts of her
will never be the same.

at the strength of my own hands,
i held you in the holiest of lights
sunshine, and rays, and god...
you were so beautiful to me
did you know that?
you question me like you have no idea
how i ever felt about the things we shared
our whispers in the dark,
and our entangled fingertips
i was holding onto you for dear life
how did you slip away like
this
i wonder, like so many times before
numerous and plentiful
weighing me down like so many unspoken burdens
you want to know i feel,
yet you're not ready to take it like a man
you're not ready to own up to how
this has made me
hard
and
these second chances are like no other
i'm grasping and gasping
for you

to come around
to come back around
to me and my empty and aching hands
they are open, palms accepting
and yet

yet you feel invincible
to these thoughts, these emotions
that you keep
to yourself, because trust is hard to find
wrapped within the lies of a beautiful girl
i was her, wasn't i?
now what's left for me to show?

you hold the world at the edges of your fingertips,
strong and steady and sure, but yet
i don't remember...you
you were never like this
so please,
please tell me, how do i make this okay
within myself, within these months that are flying by,
you're drifting

and in what direction
you never prepared me for this,
i left and you left and now

there's nothing left
at all

"you're confused,
isn't that why you're here?"
he speaks in quiet tongues,
always so gentle,
but sincerity lacking
i don't want to talk about the
things that brought us here
the things that have broken us
down... in the quiet,
and in the dark,
it was always the same


i'm here because
i want to be held*

it's as simple as that
i have no other explanation
for the way things are,
or should be,
or could have been

I closed my eyes and realized,
you were STILL there.

Her smile is ******* beautiful.
I don't even know what to do with it.
I'm sure you don't either,
You are probably looking at her like she is the
best thing that has ever happened to you,
in a way that you have NEVER looked at me.
She probably is, the best thing.
At this moment in time, I can't be happy for that.
I have so many emotions, sitting at the bottom of an empty bottle,
and her ******* smile is all that I can seem to see.
Not even you,
not even any ounce of you,
Just her.
And I'm sure your life with her will be beautiful,
I'm sure of it.

i'm tired,
i'm tired and i'm fed up,
i'm tired and i'm fed up and
i'm sorry,
i could have been more
for you, for us
i could have told you what you
wanted to hear,
that you were the sun and the moon
and every single star in the sky
that held a wish
but i'm tired,
i'm tired of the nights
where i laid beside you
and felt your hands inside of my
hair, and inside of my heart
reaching,
it hurt me
i tried to pull you up,
i tried to pull you out
your burdens were heavy,
and yet, my shoulders bore the weight
for you

and now,
there's nothing left
for me to give

I backed away,
Backed up because that was expected,
And actually I scared myself.
I ran into you like it was
An act of fate that put us
In the same room, an act of fate
That left us breathing the same air
And left me out of breath,
Struggling to understand
Why that girl's hand on your shouler
Enraged me...
I made my claim,
But you accepted it like
A boy who accepts an award
He doesn't deserve to earn
All pride, and no love
Where is the love, the magic?
At times you touch me like you
Have it all underneath your
Fingertips, head to toe
Other mornings I'll wake up
Feeling cold, laying beside you
Never wrapped up within you
Please,
Tell me what you want
Don't let this get away
It deserves to be noticed...

You're beautiful,
But not in the common sense of being.
You are warm and soft and real
With edges and curves, and
I can feel my fake smile and
The weight of pretending
Sliding slowly off my body
The transformation, the transition
Of falling.

They say when you fall in love
with someone
you just know.
well ****,
I got nothing

besides a gallery full of lost
dreams and drunk
text messages that don't
mean a thing

You told me I was the glue that's
holding everything together,
I never asked for this title,
I never wanted to be the center,
All I can think of is standing
in the middle of all of this
chaos, all I can think of is
my mind, heart, and body
absorbing every last drop
of negativity...
The selfishness,
The names,
The substance abuse,
and the ***** **** water,
The sins that lie in secret,
begging not to be found,

Lay it all on me,
I will soak everything up,
Like a sponge,
Like a buffer,

I will make it all better,
I won't let this fall apart,
or fray at the edges,
but GOD,
I am so very

tired.

Your hand in mine
Looked so small,
Fragile
Like your body on the borrowed bed
In our living room
The oxygen tank became the white noise
As my brother and I shared shifts
Of intently watching your chest rise and fall
(Or
Not.)
I'll never be able to shake
The final image in my mind
Watching you slip away
And the final goodbye
Was so quiet
I almost stopped breathing with you.

sometimes i wish i could reach inside of my chest,
detach my heart, hold it in my hands
and watch what emerges.
it may take ages to uncover the truth.
would you still be by my side?

We planted flowers for you, Jane,
and the rich soil, wind on my face,
sun on my back, and earth worms
sliding in between my fingers,
all reminded me of life...

*You are still very much
alive.

i told you i could write something for you,
and you didn't believe me,
so when i showed you my fancy script,
the dotted i's and crossed t's,
you looked at me like i was crazy
to have named a poem after you,
and well,
maybe,
i am

I.
You held my face between your palms
I was the baby, the experiment
of my own demise
liquid courage dripping from your lips
and I soaked it up
like every other girl would
should
ii.
I refuse to be with you
in this state of mind
the mind of my father
slurring, with no boundaries
besides the edge of the bed
Your only safety net
against the drunken rage
and your endless hope of
iii.
i am not here
for you

i am leaving
gone
phone me tomorrow
and i will not pick up
This is the
iv.
end
of what you tried to create
me, willing little girl
begging for your attention
against the forces of this world
v.
I'm gone
I'm gone
I'm
g o n e

all that i intended
falling to sand
between the cracks of my fingers
pouring through my being
and while we're here
in this state
you can have my


heart
in fragments

I watched her bony shoulders a little too carefully,
(When you have a mind like mine,
On fire and exploding), all of the time,
You can understand...
That when she confided in me with her
deepest darkest secrets,
I had no problem molding myself
to fit who she was

And to be what anyone ever
needed me to be was all I was
ever good for

happiness,
tugging at me like a nagging child
one who won't listen when I say,
you need to let go
of me

some say that it's my own demise
the worst kind of sabotage
but I still don't believe I deserve this
'this' - warm hands, and a beating heart
that beats... for me
I can't understand what that means
I've tried, and tried, and tried
falling up short each
As I stare at her,
trying to explain why I search
and I have no good
reason
at all

She walked in,
All confidence and no fear
it's like we were magnetically
charged towards one another,
Even when I pulled away,
I was still shaking,
Sparks shooting from my
fingertips
Sometimes when you realize
the things you have been missing
you see how big the void REALLY is.
There is no in between anymore,
For me
I'm gonna love without reservation,
and I have no problem telling
the world now
.

Is my mother really dying?
Spiritually, I know
Lord, it's hard not to feel broken in two
Legs bent backward, arms twisted behind my back
Chest heaving,
Heart throbbing
Pain, pain, go away
Come again some other day

You love her already....and it's only been 7 days.
It took you months to tell me you loved me,
you waited and waited, showed me and touched me.
So, what is the difference?
She makes you feel alive, and "special,"
so I'm left wondering,
what hides inside my fingertips,
what is waiting to come forth from my lips,
is what I have to give not sparkling,
not magnificent,
not worthy?
If I were to stand beside her,
hip to hip, would you compare like
it meant nothing?
Would you know your choice right away?
Even if we have history, I suppose it means nothing
in the way that she seems to look at you.
Like that.

no
no
no
the fact that he would look into my eyes
and deny me of these feelings
it makes me want to become unborn
to sink back into my mother's womb
and never re-appear
no
no
no
not another drink
not another wasted word
her eyes wash over, she goes unseen
i watch the night soak her within the light
but her heart is dark
this is darkness
this is death, caught within her throat
caught within her running veins
no
no
no
this can't be it
this can't be me
running off the tracks
he asks me again and again with innocent eyes
why doesn't this make sense?
my answers are silent
no
no
no*
one seems to know

I would tell you that I love
you so insanely much, it hurts me.
But we are not meant
to be here,
like this.

We are not meant to spill our
secrets to one another,
We are not meant to to sleep side by side,
I was not made to be your sacrifice,
and you were not made to be mine.

If a tragic love story has a
tragic ending, ours would be the
most tragic of them all.
Only about a boy who loves a girl,
A girl who loves a boy,
and a world that destined them
to be apart,
not by choice,
but because it just wasn't
meant
to
be.

The only reason I knew it was you was because of the stupid ******* hat you always wore when we were together. Either that or I could spot you from a mile away. The fact that I have run into you so many other times astounds me. The universe can love you or the universe can give you what you need at that time, and I feel like either way I'm bound to lose.

You had your arm draped protectively and affectionately around her and I was completely surprised. And ******* angry. That too. I sat and sipped on my margarita like this was the most normal of all nights, like there wasn't a fiery red rage surging through my body. I went over to you and said hello, looked her right in the eyes, "I'm Kelly."

I knew you would move on quickly. I knew it wasn't right from the start. I knew your baggage and your past were things that I could not rescue you from. I knew ALL of these things and yet. Yet this is what happens.

I'm the girl that becomes replaced.
I'm the girl with good intentions but poor execution.
I'm the girl who asks you to stay,
When in reality I'm the one who ends up leaving.
But never soon enough...

I dreamt about you last night, and it hurts
When I look back and ask myself,
Why I ever took your graciousness for granted
Placed it on the ground and stomped hard
Over and over and
I ruined you
I know I did, and now I live with
The reality of that
But I don’t know if that was me,
I think that was me...
And I lost her, when I lost you
I will never get you back in the grasp of my hands
I have memories, and they are all that suffice
I can say that I was happy,
I was so happy and I could see marriage
Being a possibility
Rather than something I ran from
But I realize I have always been flighty and flirty
And the disadvantage is all mine
Because you will find someone who
Gives you something,
All of her, all parts
While I will still be stuck here,
Trying to figure out ways
To gain something back that is long gone

Morning sunshine,
Your button nose and warm flesh.
Handprints left on white sheets,
(Coffee run? One for me and one for you...)
Morning breath seemingly bearable,
While I lay aching for another kiss,
Waiting
Waiting
Always

the truth came
tumbling in on a cold
winter wind
i was asleep,
the world became chaos
my grandmother told me to
face my eyes in
the mirror
i found after much
distress,
i couldn't

in the end,
i will have nothing to show for this
a sister who loves me long after i'm gone,
you had already taken down the pictures
of us, and the novel love letters,
i had written you so many,
i thought maybe you would appreciate
how much i tried to appreciate you,
but you never let me know
and while you are happy,
i am at a complete crossroads,
but at least one of us

came out of this alive

Stop time.

I would pick the exact time you decided to stay.
And then, we would be able to stay just like that
Forever.