every screaming siren i think of you,
the pictures are turning rusty at the edges,
worn with the coming of the years,
but they make your face appear softer
they make your eyes glassy with understanding
you only have one heart but it's
times like these that i am afraid all it is
filled with is cigarette smoke and hatred
towards his eyes
but you have found the love within
your children and the one thing that is
keeping you chained down to the center
of the earth is not your sanity,
it is only the hope in which you carry within
your fist, the tension within your walking feet,
that someday they will return all that has
been taken away from you,
all that has left you heavy and weighted down
with the sighing of waking up to
another empty day
priceless and smudged at the corners,
*who would have known that you held the
capacity to love them like they
wanted you to

Finding my way is like a never ending
maze and I'm afraid that when I finally
reach the end, nothing will be waiting -
and especially not you

I wish I could talk about love.
About a lot of things, actually
I mean, what do I even know?
When it comes down to it,
I could be a lot of things
For a lot of people.
I just don't know how.

You were telling me you loved me and I didn't know what you meant. Am I the only one who feels this way?

it's only a toothbrush,
placed in the same exact place as yours
on the bathroom sink,
if she were to walk in to do something as innocent
as check her hair in the bathroom mirror,
she would see it, she would question,
does that make me something to you?
does that push this relationship forward,
to morning breakfasts and cigarettes over coffee,
late nights out and bad attempts at pool playing,
smirks and kisses, and love...
love, is something i cannot ask of you
so tell me, when i place my hand within yours
when my body encircles your skin in the heat of the night
*do you feel like i feel, see like i see?

i can feel myself inside of you.

i.

my pulse is beating the blood
from your heart that never
took the chance to spill once you
ripped apart-
all our letters,
the pictures,
the words
they're running a marathon
against a wild train wreck which
reeks of the times we spent
wrapped up in...'this'
nothing means nothing
it means
i  can't  deny  our  fate
our hands entangled in each other's hair
the pavement hot,
having everything to bear
having our g o o d b y e s
hanging in mid-air

ii.

there were choices made and i
enveloped inside of myself
giving everything away,
so you wouldn't be able to say
that i left being complete
my insides are churning new
love letters for you
but you threw-
you threw up the ties that
held us in each other's own light;
you gave up the fight,
you gave up the fight

She's crazy.
And she's crazy for you.

I fit nowhere in this equation.
I have a head, that is placed firmly upon my shoulders,
and while my mind may sometimes float in the clouds,
it is only because I am dreaming of better you's.
Dreaming of better possibilities,
and you should know **** well by now,
that I deserve it.

I can't seem to place you in a little box,
With a nice pretty bow attached,
You're just not the type of person
Who I can figure out so easily
But I woke up beside you,
And you were still smiling,
So I figured I had done something right
And although there may not be any more mornings,
Know that I gave to you what I could,
What I thought you needed

we sat on the uncomfortable creaking fold out chairs, me beside people i barely knew but who knew you better then i ever did. there was not enough, not enough flowers, music, laughter, pictures, energy...the room felt like everything had been ****** out of it as soon as we all congregated. dear god, i am so sorry...i know death can feel like a prickly heat consuming the whole body, i shook your sister's hand and she looked at me waiting, but i didn't know what else to say. we sang one song, and all i could do was look out at the window at the sun shining on the leaves of the tree...i envisioned you underneath it with a joint and one of your hippie dresses saying, "kelly, c'mon, life isn't so bad..." you were a wonderful person, i'm ashamed it took me longer then it should have to realize that.

Sometimes I think of how my body must be so coiled up inside, emotions hugging the stretch of my bones, sadness wrapping itself in the in-between of muscle and ligaments. A maze...

I'll never make it out of myself.

more
more
more
this is the only word
i can seem to tell you,
it falls out of my mouth
and bounces across the floor
lays at your feet,
bare and stagnant,
you stare at me like you have
no idea who i am

i need more love*,
and you are going to do
nothing at all
about it

you told me you had lost your muse,
the first night we had met,
i glanced over and blushed into
the overhead lights,
i wasn't about to volunteer
my own self
but i secretly knew

i could be her

maybe i should have been better,
you always said it was a competition,
and i was never in first place,
no matter how many times you came back
to kiss me, and you always kissed me well
well, this is all i have left
all i have left to show for this self-doubt
a morning hangover, and your side
is empty

i'm always cold,
with(out) you here

the feeling in the pit of your stomach,
like someone's steeled toed boot kicked you
straight on, and hard
i slid my *** across the wooden stairs
trying to make my getaway as quiet as possible
my shirt inside out, and my heart bleeding
god, why do i try to find love in these places
the places that will hurt me the most
i reached the last step and ran,
ran to my car, past the old farm house
started the engine and sped away
i really thought you would have asked me
at least if i had gotten home okay,
but honestly
even that was too much to ask for

I laid beside you again,
An act that I realize now
Has become sacred, cherished
Because I never know when
the last time will be
I count the seconds, hours
Until you awake,
Look at me sleepy eyed
and sleepy faced and it takes
all of my strength not to
reach up and kiss you
good morning, the puzzle pieces
sliding, shifting all over our
playing board but
I'm so tired of playing,
I'm tired of fighting, chasing,
Caring too much and you
caring too little
And all it ever seems to
amount to is me -
Standing alone,
Loving you
While you look at me questioning
why I don't just let go already

I remember those basements stairs,
the smell of cigarette smoke,
and the clicking of beer cans
Girls with long blonde hair and
glow sticks as head bands,
and ripped tights...
Adam stood next to me,
and while I felt connected,
I know I was so far...gone
So, when he vowed
to take care of me
To get me out safely,
I agreed, of course I would agree
I told him we didn't belong here,
but then again maybe I did,
and he didn't
He gave up drinking shortly after,
I continued on into
my own
dark
abyss
I wish I would have listened
the first time around
.

I'm looking for myself
in all of the wrong places.
He tells me that all I need to do
is to breathe, and release
and I'm trying,

but I become choked up,
in all that I could be.

If I could never talk to you again,
I would be okay with that,
and even if you're my father,
I have no problem telling you
that you failed in doing
what you were
meant
to
do.

I never asked you to be something,
I simply just wanted to sit beside you
Let the others look upon us like I had some
Kind of claim over you,
Even though we both know
I never will
It sits in my stomach like a rock,
heavy, but somehow I still believe
that it has the smallest chance
to float

Emptiness,
All I seem to feel is you
Inside of me,
Throughout the veins
which have long stopped
Pulsing
You have gone,
Vanished into another lover’s bed
And I am stuck here
In this dingy hell
With the burning sheets
And the night as
Black as black
Black
Is all I see
And when I go to reach
For some part of you
For one last time
All I feel are the crimes
That you have committed
And the heat against my ribs
This is the final say,
The final truth
The final spin at something
Worth holding onto
And you let me go,
While I purposely let you

I don't have a lot to say to you these days,
Not because I don't want to but
because I would rather hold onto my
sanity.
But hey,
Thanks for trying anyway.

I.
My heart was in my stomach,
I couldn't look at you without feeling
something, like the something I felt
shortly before you broke things
off with me, but you came back,
You came back around in time

II.
You invited me in like we had never
left off in the shortcomings of November,
You still looked the same,
The house the same,
Your bed sheets felt the same
But your lips, a different story

III.
I don't know what I expected,
looking for change in places it could
never be found
I was searching then, and I'm still
searching now, but you already figured
that out

IV.
We flowed and synched so well,
Like when we sat side by side
one another at the small bar,
People stared at us as I laughed
and laughed...they don't know what
they're missing out on,
Not knowing you, or us

V.
I know that leaves us here,
Wrapped up in the unknown,
but second chances come few and
far between,
So I will take mine with gratitude
and an open heart,
Nothing more and nothing less

I miss you,
Can't you tell?*

The way my fingers intertwine
on themselves, looking for a hand to hold,
yours were always so small,
despite your rough exterior,
I took every flaw into consideration,
tasted it, held it,      felt it
in my being, and when I told you
that I love imperfections,
I meant yours
and only yours
It was always this simple,
and always this complicated
And we are still breathing here
with our eyes blinded by
our past, the moments when
we became caught up in our
own crafted demise,
when we weren't strong enough
to just say, "No."

I carry you around with me,
like an old picture kept in a locket
chained around my neck,
holding me down,
and the heaviness rests
beside my heart, as it slowly
seeps into
me
I've tried to wear you well,
you would never know,
but others look at me like they
know my hidden secret,
In the way that I walk,
in the way my smile curves
downward, and
I realize
if I don't let you go,
it will be the end of me,
I always wondered how I
could lay beside you at night
and not say a word,
listen to you breathe,
and talk in your dreams,
even then you battled your
demons in secret,
in the times you thought
I wasn't listening,

but I was.

she's gorgeous
that's all i seem to know

and when your eyes start to glaze over
i can't, i need
to look away
you complain to me, whisper in slow syllables,
"this is how it's supposed to be"
my stomach in knots and my hands twisted
i can't, i need
to become her
(suddenly i regret the way my smile curves,
i regret the shape of my body against hers)
and to look at her pursed lips
makes me sick
to think
back onto your thoughts

...rewinding
and i don't care how long it takes
for me to

leave
forget,
leave
forget,

a sick cycle,
a circle that spins,
and i become the center
twirling again,
and again,
over her and what wasn't said

Sometimes, when I feel like I'm sinking,
I'll let myself go
all
the way
to the bottom
just to find the release,
just to feel like even though I
am pressed in on all sides,
I am still protected
and the black
was always
more comforting

then anything else,

then you

i didn't know how to tell you.
i felt you slipping away the moment
i took a sip of something fierce,
burning my insides like a poison
i could not tame,
a wildfire of false hope and future promises.
i tried to wrap you up in something comfortable,
something familiar so that this all could be
easier for the both of us.
because that's all i ever focused on:
y o u a n d m e as one entity.
the second i made my claim i knew
that this was going to be something that
neither of us would be able to handle.
i always become too sure of myself,
and you too loving.
i wanted to warn you ahead of time,
i am not easy.
i     am     not     easy.
the divide between us will surely
end in a gaping hole,
a hole you try to pass gingerly
but fall into anyway.
a slip of the foot,
like a slip of the tongue
will always cost you more.
i think you're a beautiful person,
but if i wanted to choose a person by
their soul i don't know if you
would be my first choice.
i don't know if you bear the pain
the way that i bear mine.
fruitful and full,
overwhelming and screaming.
i look at her with the blonde *****
strands and bony shoulders,
slender fingertips that smear paint
and write obscenities,
she could sing me to sleep.
you always tried but your voice,
out of tune and trying,
never reached my dreams.

I didn't realize that the moments I shared with you, would have to be tucked neat and pretty into the crevices of my heart. I didn't realize that I would be left to remember for the both of us, or that the friend that I should have been was nowhere to be found. I'm sorry. I know in comparison to others you knew, it doesn't matter. My memories are slim, and fleeting glimpses. But I wanted to know you better, more, I wanted to be a sounding board and instead I let your secrets fall from my mouth like stolen gems. There's no one else here to blame. God, you are so brave, I can barely stand it.

all i ever asked was for a little clarity,
to clear the space to make room for me
to see my breaths, to make the marks
in the air, know that if i were to
press my hand across my chest i would
feel some kind of heart beating,
i have become so hardened of
anything besides regrets
and resentment,
some more bitter thrown
all over me,
and sinking under my skin
they turn and point at me,
my skin turning black with
that kind of poison,
god, do you know what this is?
what is happening to me,

sometimes i don't even
feel human

Running over your words,
I came to the realization that they
in all their glory,
really meant
nothing

Brain.
Cancer.
No... You sat on the stairs
And told me. So matter of fact:
It has come back, I'm sorry.
No... I'm sorry.
I was moving out, you were with-
Out me for months. Your only daughter: the glue.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

The stark white hospitals walls
And scratchy sheets,
Sterile smell mixed with ****,
Pureed food on the beige tray.
Nurses who forgot to feed you.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You still smiled up until
That final week. Somehow.
I know you were so strong but
The tumor weaved and molded
Itself, made a home in your brain.
You were my mother,
But you were no where to be found...
You had left your body long before.

Kissed your cold cheek,
Held your burning hands.
Prayed
To
Someone
Promised you it was okay to go.
Screamed silently...
How will we make it without you?
The nights long and treacherous,
My father asleep in the chair beside you.
The oxygen tank whirling,
Morphine under the tongue,
Listen to your breathing.
The pattern
The changes

Until.
There was
None.

i.
the old couch
you, half naked me
resting in between that
one place of stillness of false pretense of
love wrapped within bounds of
human flesh and
thin confusion
we have no idea
how any of this is done

ii.
instead of being welcomed
i was transformed
glancing down at my white cotton dress
pulled so high, so high up
your shirt thrown carelessly
onto the worn carpet
eyes burning
as fingers pull pull pull
on the strings of my innocence

iii.
sighing heavily into your collarbone
i choked
while you covered my body
every inch with your heat
you didn't know
how much i wanted to love
you, this moment
in return, you took it all
every sweep every glance every sharp angle
became your very own
demise

iv.
i drove back home
windows through scent tangled hair
wisps of remnants
i no longer wanted to remember
images ingrained onto my mind
as stars fell from that
black hole of a sky

just look at her,
she wears the love she receives
it's overflowing, and she has no idea
where it should go
the overspill of others generosity
onto her, the air around her
charged and
here i sit,
here i sit,
should i dare say
that i find myself comparing?
the love you wear,
and the love i hold
are not two in the same
you walk around this town
like you have nowhere to go,
if i told you i could tell,
would you turn your head
in denial?
and if you lost it,
would you do anything...
anything at all,
to get it back into
your undeserving hands?

When I told her I had a lot of secrets I don't think she understood what I meant. If I could pull my mind inside out, sit down beside her and ring out the inconsistencies and the ways in which I process these things...maybe. Maybe she would have stayed a little while longer or maybe she would have been scared as hell that she allowed herself to get so close to me in the first place. I was too afraid to ask her what she thought, so I opted to say nothing.

it's a wonder we are still surviving,
writing and re-living:
past memories and guilt,
pent-up lust and miserable deceit

sometimes i think,
you were the lucky one

You cried to me on the porch steps, like a small boy.
The round moon bearing down, and the cigarette smoke shifting
I held my arms out, but I realized a second too late,
That I am not capable of saving you anymore.

Your mother probably would have looked at me like I was crazy,
if she were still here to see the person that you have become,
But I sometimes like to hope that she would have embraced me,
With her warm eyes and her warm voice,
Because you were always her favorite,
And now you are mine,
and at least that is something that we could have shared.

So, you're probably going to tell me that I'm crazy.
But nothing ever made sense between the both of us,
I remember sitting on the beige carpet,
My legs splayed out behind you,
Facing you full force, but still feeling like you had
no idea who I was.
That's how it always ended.

You never looked into my eyes,
you saw me, but never who was underneath.
I would beg you to look at my hurt,
Understand it, "please try to understand."
And you would just stand there,
offer your arms to embrace me,
but it never made anything
better.

I know I'm not crazy,
I just know how to love to the complete
fullest
and maybe...
Maybe, that was something you just
couldn't handle.
But either way,
it tore me apart.

I'm sorry,
When the silence was too loud
Was it my fault
When the phone would ring
I wouldn't answer,
It would ring
And ring
Mom
I'm sorry,
When the decisions weren't made
Fast enough
The pause was all
There was
And we waited too long
While you laid up in the hospital bed
It was all I could do
To rest my own head at night
Knowing
Mom
I'm sorry,
The I love you's stuck in my throat
The days I wasted, the nights I
Drank
The cheap dreams I chased
While you watched and complained
I'm sorry,
It all came back around
Time was nowhere to be found
The cancer a sick disease but you,
You found your release
I'm sorry,
Mom

i.
when she asked how we met,
we glanced sideways at one another,
smirking to ourselves,
only we know the secret,
and wouldn't she love to know?
"we met at the circus,
no, but really..."

ii.
when in fact, we met by chance,
by accident, but doesn't fate always
have the last word?
we sat side-by-side, touching
and spoke gentle stories to
one another
all night
and in the crowded dive bar,
music blaring, and
drunk people chattering,
i heard every word perfectly

iii.
she seemed surprised that we had
just met,
a blind date,
and yet, i was blinder even still
she excused herself right away,
an intruder on our inside joke
and any judgement was dismissed
we had created something
far more important
far more than intended

iv.
i keep expectations low on all things
if you build a wall, how do
you ever expect to climb over
without falling?
he kept reminding me of my smile,
and so i smiled some more,
until the blush was creeping all over my cheeks,
my face glowing with acceptance
from
this
stranger

You think it won't happen, but it does
The sinking feeling, the gutless entry and
You are left to fend for promises that you never
Intended to keep in the first place
I am coldhearted and alone and deserve nothing more
Then to rot here, or there, somewhere
Where your eyes won't follow my every move
And when I will finally fall to my knees
And cry and beg, and bleed and bleed until sore
I will still not understand the price for my sins
As he taunts and teases, pulls and prods
At my long ago innocence, I will falter
To be the girl He intended me to be
Too late and too little devotion to matters of the
Heart, the soul, the in between space
And I am wasted and shedding the wrong skin
Parts that should have been kept floating off into space

I'm terrified to tell you the truth.
You and you and...you.
I spent my whole life looking for this,
For acceptance, to blend in
Against the wall, out of view.
How will I handle the judgement
I know each day I'll receive?
I'm finally ready to love who
I desire to love,
Just because I prefer soft skin
Against rough,
Small hands against large,
Whose to say then?

My palms open up, always.
As your fingers dance across,
and down, down in some kind of
fragmented ballet
sweeping up all I have left
to give to a boy
like you
I know how you are
You're the one
my mother warned me about
You're the
"I should of known better,
Should of learned,
Should of grown"
Everyone else is always right
But me,
I keep spinning the same circles,
until I'm completely dizzy with the thought
of such infactuation,
Always giving too much,
and receiving little to
nothing back
Your world could have been served
to you on a silver platter,
I would have came to you with
so much

love.

"Too much love,"
as you would say.
I had never heard of such a thing,
until I met you.

Your hands left mine,
To dangle within the stagnant space
I stood still because I wanted
to memorize your breath
in patterns, the frigid cold
seeping through my mittens
I finally started to realize
how heavy the impact of being
alone would
feel

I remember the nights I would stand in between you,
your drunken fists creating waves,
I was trying to protect you from yourself,
and after all I ended up saving no one
and all I was left with was a fistful of hair and gravel
I could say that you had given me nothing,
but really you showed me parts of myself
and even then I did not want to recognize
There were nights when I didn't know who you were
You wanted to start a family,
but between the sober and drunk conversations
Everything blurred together,
I didn't realize then that love should not feel like this
A lump in the gut of your stomach,
and all the quiet silence that followed
I was someone, I sacrificed myself in ways
that I had never before
Committing crimes against my own body
How could you tell me now that you have
fallen in love with someone you barely know?
I want to peel my skin back and find
out what hides underneath,
who am I as a woman that I couldn't
give you what you need?

You were never good at cleaning up my messes.
You would throw punches, and talk trash
Destroy whatever came into your line of sight,
and then some

You asked me why I came back
I still ask myself this question, numerous time
In numerous different places, phases of my life
I still don't have a solid answer,
But you still wait

And wait for me to say those words,
Return the favor of the hurt
Making messes
No one will ever clean up