oh.
i wish i didn't know about you.

you have ruined me.
this i know in my bones.

i wish i didn't know
    about your **** beautiful face
  the way you move
christ.

no.
i wish i didn't know
it was possible for my heart
  to pound out of tempo with the earth
on its own wild trajectory.

i wish i didn't know
this terror
   of beautiful things
       slipping from my grasp.

this sickening realization
that my life is just
a stack of winters.

the universe cares nothing for me.

but i believe in you
even if you don't believe in me.

i see you
even if you won't see me.

i hear your voice
in my dreams where
   you have taken down walls
  and planted trees with me instead.

oh,
my heart aches not to know about you.

my mind fears
to know of time
    without you.

to have all this space
these colors
these sounds

this love.

as i move through time
  i become more convinced
    there is nothing more.

more frustrated that no one will hear me.

devastated
that you do not believe in me.

I was born without a family,
Always stayed inside my bed,
I never had a friend,
By 15 I was dead,

You found me in my closet,
With a noose around my neck,
You knew that I was gone,
Called my brother in to check,

Your suspicions turned out true,
I guess it's not so bad,
I mean he didn't amount to much,
And he was always way too sad,

I was forgotten by next week,
No funeral was had,
No one to call and tell,
Not even his own dad.

I am aware this isn't true,
Just how things play out in my head,
Please just let me be so selfish,
Please don't miss me when I'm dead.

I used to tell myself that I would always love you,
that for the rest of my life part of my soul would always care
but I'm here now and seeing clearer and realizing that if nothing else
you ruined me, ripped me limb from limb and left me bleeding in the streets
and that even in my broken state, even being as empty as I am right now
I have enough self love to accept that whatever we had wasn't love
and that the truth probably is that I was delusional and lost,
I let you hypnotize me, and even when I realized it
I let you walk free,
I let you hurt me.

We all, at some point in our lives, come across those songs-with
The melodies that seem so bland,
The rhythms that we can't stand,
The lyrics that repeat themselves with no meaning attached,
The dynamics that are out to attack,

And then we come across those songs-with
The melodies we can't get out of our minds,
The rhythms that remind us to push forward at all times,
The lyrics that explain what we were unable to,
The dynamics that help to bring out how we're feeling inside,

Maybe the people we come across throughout our lives
affect us in these ways, too.
*jm