The moment you enter this world you are singing
Singing loud to allow air into your lungs
Singing loud to announce yes “I am here”,
Growing up you sing your mother’s name
Your father’s name
Your aunts’ uncles’ brothers’ sisters’ cousins’ grandparents’ names
You sing in babbled tones, soprano octaves with bubbles on your tongue
Because the world tastes sweet and you want to let it melt in your mouths
Growing up, you learn to sing questions
Crescendo’s of why’s hanging over your head until an answer is sung back
But sometimes you find out there’s no one on the other side of this duet and yes, your song will fall flat
But don’t let that stop you from singing until someone in the world recognizes the melody and sings alongside you
Growing up you learn to sing thank you’s, I’m sorry’s, I love you’s
You know that sometimes they will taste sour, they will burn the back of your throat and make it hard to swallow for a while but you need them
Because when they aren’t leaving holes in your vocal chords they are silk
Warm and welcoming, gliding from your lips to your tongue in one swift motion
Slipping down your throat
Filling you like a balloon about to burst
But making you feel like you have enough air that you could float forever
Growing up you learn that your favorite song to sing, is your own
Even on the days when it’s off pitch, too loud, too quiet, it’s yours
You become familiar with the bends of the music, the curves in the tune
It doesn’t matter if it’s classic or experimental, if other people like it or hate it
It’s the only constant out of all this music
So you learn to love it,
You sing because you want to be heard
Because it’s the only way to keep living
You drag your fingertips across my skin
as if you were painting a picture,
each stroke delicate,
striving for a masterpiece of
perfectly induced shivers and well released moans
and I find myself gripping onto your hair
as if for dear life, pulling you closer to me
as if less space could help me catch my breath
because it’s all so new and unanticipated
all I can do is find myself reveling in the ecstasy—
all I was hoping for in the moment was as much of you as I could devour,
as much of your essence that I could inhale. I craved all of you,
in every fiber of my body, every sense in my system
and for once, I got exactly that.
I planted kisses in your collarbone
and told them to grow until they could kiss you for me
I drew paths down your abdomen
and blazed trails down your back
I left bits of myself in your chest
and hoped it was enough of a map
to lead you back to me.
You’ve turned me into an acrobat
with the number of times you make my stomach flip,
somersaults and cartwheels with every little flick of the tongue,
every well thought out brush of the skin.
You’ve discovered how to disassemble my body,
searching for the things that make me tick,
finding far too easily, what slows me down
and what winds me up.
You’ve given me something I don’t have words for,
but it’s there, it’s in your eyes, in the way you look at me
when you think I don’t see; it’s in the way you smile at me
when we wake up in the morning
we’re both lagging but there, awake but not up,
aware that there’s a world waiting for us
but content in the world of each other’s arms.
It's nearly three am
and I told myself I wouldn't do this,
I said I wouldn't wait for the sunrise to cue my sleep
and yet here I am again,
the darkness under my eyes
nearly as defined as the coffee rings on my dresser.
If you could spend one month in my body
and experience even a fraction of what I've been through
you'd be screaming with apologies for what you did.
But that isn't possible.
So instead you're here, telling me I'm a priority,
when in fact, you were no where to be found
when I needed someone the most.
Where were you when I was crying myself to sleep
for days that became weeks that became months?
Where were you when my mind collapsed in on itself
and the only thing I could think about was death?
Where were you when I ******* needed you?
You have no right to show up after the curtain has fallen,
your time in my life is over and I'm certain about that.
I deserve better than you ever gave me.
And frankly, I'd rather be alone
than have to rely on you for a single ******* thing.
If you think you're getting another chance
I suggest you turn around,
You spew ******* about caring about me,
about wanting to listen,
wanting to be there
But when I needed someone these past few months
you were no where to be found,
and I was utterly alone.
Sometimes I wish I could give you a second chance,
but I'm known for being stubborn,
so dreadfully stubborn
And of course I've managed to hold onto
the smallest hint of self-respect
so tell me why --
Why would I knowingly endanger myself again
by letting you back into my life?
Can you answer that?
I didn't think so.