Do you ever feel the desperate need
to tell someone the tiny details
that you've noticed over the years?

Like you've been watching so closely
taking careful notes
timing every pattern
to see what makes them tick

it's hard to explain
how you've timed the difference between an angry text and a sad one
or how it's a habit now to set an alarm earlier than usual
to remind you to check your phone
in case they want to come over

it's hard to describe
the way your heart leaps when they text you first
or the way it falls
when you see their love poems to their real lover
even though they're beautiful

it's just hard to explain

One roll of quarters on my desk
hoarded for a rainy day
two books with pages cut out
my failed attempt at art
three textbooks staring accusingly at me
you should be studying, they chant
four nail trimmers because its a compulsive habit
to stop my nails from cutting my hands when I make a fist
five vinyl figures of my favorite characters
giving my courage when I feel scared
Peter
Dean
Steve
Mike
Dany

six spoons
not sure about that one
seven bottles of paint
waiting until the urge hits
eight dvds
from lonely nights when the wifi doesn't work
nine half-filled notebooks
waiting for a finished story, or notes, or anything
ten hardback books
that I haven't read in years

my room

I see people struggling with
depression
anxiety
suicidal feelings

I want to help
hug them
or listen when they rant
and I try
but I can't understand

what does it feel like
to not be able to breathe because the walls are closing in on you?
what does it feel like
to want to leave this world with a bang, or a cut, or a pill?

I don't know
but I give you a hug
and let you talk

I've never felt that way
all I can think is that
I wouldn't be able to stand it
but somehow you do
and you are so brave

When i was 13 I thought that gay and straight were things that other people were
People that weren't raised christian
People that didn't have dads
People that were abused
People that i should pray for but not get close to

when i was 14 my best friend came out as gay
i didn't see it coming but i probably should have
she wore ties every day
and plaid shirts with the sleeves rolled up
and cut her hair short as soon as she could
but i didn’t see it because gay was other people

when i was 14 i watched as the news spread like wildfire
“did you hear? that girl is gay.”
I watched as people slowly backed away from her
people that knew her all her life
that is, the people that didn’t cut her off instantly

I watched as the youth group we had both attended asked her to leave
I watched as her drama group kicked her out because they were afraid of the yearly camp we went to
that somehow knowing that she was gay made her more likely to attack the other girls in their beds than the year before

I watched.
I didn’t do anything.

what changed my mind wasn’t a change of perspective on queer people
it still took me a year to decide being gay wasn’t wrong
but i decided that my best friend was someone i would stick with
because i loved her

I quietly stayed.
didn’t make a fuss, didn’t call people out when they called her names behind her back.
I should have.
but i didn’t.
I didn’t join in, but i didn’t defend her
i didn’t say to these people
*******
that girl is beautiful and amazing
and if you can’t see through your hatred then i don’t want to be your friend either
but i didn’t .
I didn’t go through what she did.
I didn’t get kicked out of anything, i didn’t lose friends

When i was 15, i got fed up
I left that drama group.
I stopped going to that church.
I stepped away from those friends and even though i never said why
the look on my face when i ran into them and they asked, “how’s she doing?”
answered that question for them.

I spent 24 hours examining my bible
trying to find the verses that say being gay is wrong
there were barely any
and they were right next to verses that said eating pork was wrong
or planting crops next to each other
or wearing two different fabrics

there was my answer.

this isn't a story of my journey.
This isn't me building myself up
“hey, I wasn't as bad as those other people
I’m good now”

this is a story of how one person can change your life forever

if i didn't have a gay best friend
what a way to start a story, huh?
if i didn't have a gay best friend then I would still be there
quietly praying for the sins of others, but not trying to understand
so don’t look at all Christians and say
they’re awful
they’re bigoted
they’re judgmental
because we are
but often it’s because we don’t know any better
teaching us kindly works
leading by example.