*******
i thought i already knew what it felt like
to lose someone forever.
and yet, i still sit here shellshocked
stunned.
in my mind i imagine
the crunch of metal
grinding in my ears
over and over.
you were probably
asleep in the backseat.
one moment, dreaming
the next,
gone.

last year
i lost a bet with you
"you have to go out
to get hotpot with me
at least once"
you said.

last week
you told me
you weren't feeling so well
-- not sick --
just sad.
and though you mentioned
suicide,
you brushed it off
"nah you're right,
we haven't gotten hotpot yet.
i can't just die"

but then you did.

last night
at 5:20pm
you texted me
"this car ride is so longgggg
i made a meme
do u wanna see it"
i didn't respond until
the next day,
but last night
by 6:47pm
you were already gone.

and i sit here now
in the steam of hotpot for two,
hands pressed against my eyes
i can feel my eyelids trembling
bitter bitter tears dripping
into the broth.
but it makes no difference to me.
hotpot will always
always
be bitter
without you