im such a *******
hedonist
obsessed with the chase
afraid of the fallout

i told the stars about you
and they smiled
blinking, brilliant against the bright
is he as beautiful as us?
they asked.
more so,
i said.
is he worth falling for?
before i could hesitate
my tongue,
still drunk with the taste of your lips,
said yes.

and so i fell
in love-
out of the sky-
hurtling from the heavens
a falling star.
i hoped you'd be at the bottom
to catch me

i cant remember the day when i
stopped thinking in poems.
when i stopped wondering
why my life is how it is.
dumb and dumber
numb and number

nothing that belongs to you
belongs to me;
you are your own
and so
you could never be mine

i cant find the things i dreamt about
i cant find the fuel to dream

*******
i thought i already knew what it felt like
to lose someone forever.
and yet, i still sit here shellshocked
stunned.
in my mind i imagine
the crunch of metal
grinding in my ears
over and over.
you were probably
asleep in the backseat.
one moment, dreaming
the next,
gone.

last year
i lost a bet with you
"you have to go out
to get hotpot with me
at least once"
you said.

last week
you told me
you weren't feeling so well
-- not sick --
just sad.
and though you mentioned
suicide,
you brushed it off
"nah you're right,
we haven't gotten hotpot yet.
i can't just die"

but then you did.

last night
at 5:20pm
you texted me
"this car ride is so longgggg
i made a meme
do u wanna see it"
i didn't respond until
the next day,
but last night
by 6:47pm
you were already gone.

and i sit here now
in the steam of hotpot for two,
hands pressed against my eyes
i can feel my eyelids trembling
bitter bitter tears dripping
into the broth.
but it makes no difference to me.
hotpot will always
always
be bitter
without you

your breath brushes
my skin
soft soft soft
like your hair
like my thighs.
and as we sigh in sync
everything feels right enough
for me to forget the loneliness
that led me to you
in the first place.
lying under strings of lights
breathing in time with you
i could sleep here
forever.
as long as forever means
just for tonight

it's for the best

before you
i never understood why
people hold onto the things
that hurt them most.
i put you above myself
and through the pain
i told myself it was for the best

my mind was a sieve
every drop of anger felt
but easily washed away
to reveal the broken love remaining:
too large to let go

i don't regret us
but i've come to terms with
the fact that
i cannot blame myself for our end.
i cannot blame myself
for loving
even though it hurt me

in need of catharsis
how can i let go of something
i've spent so long cherishing?

as i let go of you it will hurt
but this time when it hurts
this time
i will not be wrong to say
this hurt is for the best

funny how something
i thought would feel liberating
has me shackled tighter
than ever

i'd been seething
with anger and disappointment
sorrow, exhaustion
but with the burner extinguished
now im emptier than before

do you ever drip tears
of lead
of mercury?
heavy metals that
carve tracks in your face
as you
carve someone out of your life

existing is exhausting

i spent so many seconds
bled into minutes
into hours
into days
thinking of you

what hurts most
is that i know you haven’t done the same.
somewhere out there
you sleep
untroubled

the sun is coming up
and my blistering eyes can barely
stand to see it.
i’ve gone blind
looking for what we used to be

even when i sleep
when i dream
of you still caring
i just want to wake up.
i want the dreams to end.
it hurts to face
what i can’t have

in this rubble
i see pieces of us
and i pick them up even though
i don’t know what i’ll do with them.
the glue that held them together
is so very gone

don’t quite understand
can’t quite understand
anything

it’s like when you take a staged picture
everyone is smiling
click
flash
the picture is taken.
within a moment
everyone’s smile drops
where did we go wrong?

i want so badly
so so badly
for us to be worth it.
all signs point to no
and yet i persist
a fish swimming against the current
too weak to overcome the flow
too weak to let go and turn around

tonight
i can only hope
our time together meant something
to you.
that i’m not alone in thinking
what we had was special.
that i am not alone

i search for memories buried under
miles of debris and find
that i remember i was happy once.

i scour my memories so hard until i can
no longer tell if my hands are bleeding
blood or rust.
this is where i realize that i do not
remember what happiness feels like.

is it more depressing to have never
been happy,
or to know you were happy once
without knowing
what it meant
      what it was
             what it felt like
                   that you'd lose it . . .

disappointment
disillusioned
hurt me harder
make me feel

crush my breath
these shards of glass
disenchantment
disappear

It only hurts when I think about it,
but it hurts not to think about it.
Although there are multitudes of stars
brilliant against the night, all of that fades
when the moon is missing—
when the moon has run away
to orbit another planet—
when I said that I loved you and only you
and so the moon grew dim for me and only me.

And now if I crunch an apple between my teeth,
I pretend it is the heart you proved I had.
And if I hear euphony—trickles of water in dreams—
and if I see a crimson-throated bird crying into the fog,
I think of you and I think of me.
Then I think of me without you,
which means I think of nothing.
And finally I think of how these are only words
that you will never read.
Because there is no light to read them by,
as the moon's brilliance has danced away.

Everything I own, I carry with me:
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
It has done me good because of the color of the wheat
But love is not a victory march

Herta Müller
e.e. cummings
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Leonard Cohen

Grow up: airplanes aren't shooting stars.

You're beautiful yet cold, like snow.

Someday I will meet you there.

Tell me why I left you
Why the fox escaped to gray
You believed in all my promises
But nothing I've ever said was true.

"You'll be back next summer, right?"
You asked, full of hope
"I'll be back every summer."
Grimace twisting like a rope

Your smile lit up my days
But oh, how sparkling eyes do fade
Life was shining, we were brave
Until the day I went away

Maybe I was just too shy
Maybe I was small and weak
I'll be strong now, I won't cry
I'll be lonely in my sleep

I didn't know I wanted to leave
It still shocks me all the time
I hope that you can rest in peace
Away from all my desperate lies

I wanted to be with you again
Before we parted ways
But hesitation choked my breath
Filled with words I couldn't say

With our fingers intertwined
We would've left the past behind
Yet somehow time escaped us
Amongst the singing stars and gold and wine

With my final fragile breath
I have left these words for you
With the sounds of all the laughter
We, as lovers, never knew

Today the clouds are beautiful
wispy trails of lace-fine droplets.
Somehow, everything is almost the same
even without you.
Maybe this is a sign that I can move on,
that I am moving on.
That I can step onto that shimmering
watery surface and not sink into
a crystal clear wave of memories.
Let me go, and I will promise
to relive you in every breath,
every glance, every smile.
Somewhere in those clouds, you are
waiting for me. Someday when
my life has become lighter than this,
I will join the clouds
to find you.

I am pretty sure that I should stop fishing alone. It is kind of
stupid to go there and spend all my time but find nothing.
What's worse is that it was dark and any sound could
make me feel scared. I didn't feel so scared when we went
fishing together even if it was dark.

So even though you are only six years old, you are
absolutely important. You make me very brave.
Now I am not brave any more.

I hope you can be brave there.

mom

On this day, in this moment
suspended in time, I cannot tell if I am falling
through the world or if the world is
falling past me.

My life is a falling star.
An ancient soul with
nowhere to go but down. Nowhere
to run but away.

The sky is so cold and lined
with frost, grandiose in its sharpness.
Don't catch me as I'm falling,
lest I burn through your hands.

I am a falling star, with
a life as short as a flash and as
deep as a black hole. I am
a broken thing that still shines.

I am standing here alone
In this room of empty sighs
Pressing blades upon my skin
Trying not to close my eyes

What is there to bring me comfort?
Who is there when it gets rough?
Tell me why it won’t get better:
I’m not pressing hard enough.

Her name is Lillia,* and I think
               I love her. Her name is Lillia and
   I think I love her and she smells like
             caramelized marshmallows with Honey
                                                           ­                Crisp apples.
                              Or was it Braeburn?
    She smells like Anjou pears and one
           day old rose petals (Scentimental, I think
            they’re called). Her soul would put feathers
                                                to shame with its lightness. When
                       she says my name I hear the crystal echo
        of wolves among the cliffs, and the ******
  of fluted champagne glasses swirling
                              merry contents. Her waist
                                   is like an hourglass where time
                          melts away in a daring drip of
                   not-quite-a-solid-but-is-sand-a-liquid-no-it’s-not.
         ­    Her name is Lillia and I don’t quite
                                      remember how I met her but it’s okay
             because I’m here and she’s here and
                                                             ­        the end justifies the means, right?
Her name is Lillia and I want her
                    to stay with me until all of the stars
    in this starry night become hers. Her name
                        is Lillia, and I am too transfixed by her
        hair swaying in the breeze to notice
                            that she has already walked
                *farther away than I could ever follow.

Love is not for everyone
Love manifests itself in the darkest places,
in the dingy, cracked-tile linoleum
of strangely lit rooms with
flickering bulbs and glazed
eyes staring into the glass
but seeing nothing
on the other side.

Love is not for everyone
Love escapes from the grasps of those who
are the most desperate.
Trailing from their fingers like the
thick, spider-web smoke
of smoldering cigarettes
and the lazy twirl
of a steamy breath
on a winter day.

Love is not for everyone
Love flames and burns the world,
setting alight anything anyone
once told you about life.
Love consumes
and then spits hearts out like
a machine, fine tuned for
efficiency and not meaning.

Love is not for everyone
Love smiles with gleaming white teeth
that hide a black rot deep
under the shiny pearls of illusion.
Love brushes a hand over
people who least expect it, and
love leaks from eyes in
shimmery crystal rain drops.

Love is not for everyone
Love is made OV LiEs

Wow graphing calculator.
*******.
I could spend so much
time tracing a function
up to infinity, but you will
never let me get there.

I woke up this morning
and thought I saw you.
I was so scared, I
shrank away, waiting
for your fists to batter
my body. But then
I looked again
and it was only my
reflection in the mirror.
And I think that
scared me more.

I think I am in love with
the way your words
mean nothing when you
say them.
I must be in love with
the empty promises
that spill off your lips
like poisoned wine.
The only logical explanation
is that I am in love with the
way you kiss other girls
like I'm not standing right
there beside you.
That must be it.
Why else would I have
stayed this long?

I don't know why at eighteen,
one year after we had started dating,
I didn't leave when I realized
that I didn't love you.
Maybe it was because when
you whispered "I love you."
"You're so beautiful."
"Promise we'll be together forever."
I saw the passion in your eyes
and told myself I'd give
my heart one more year to
decide it loved you back.

Except at nineteen, when you
and I moved into an apartment
at college together, I still
felt empty when I lay beside
you. I tormented myself
so much. I wanted so badly to
fall in love with you, so that
I wouldn't have to hurt you
later on. But at twenty-four,
five years later, when you pulled
out a ring and proposed, I
realized I had waited too long
for my heart to find something
that didn't even exist.

You're so good at breaking
hearts that I honestly
can't say I'm surprised
to know you've taken
it up for a living.

There is a bag of peaches
in the refrigerator
However, I'm afraid
that they've gone bad
And left a soggy puddle
of juice in the drawer.

I believe this is because
I was saving them for you,
And you were saving them for me  
So no one ate them.
Wrapped in a blanket of caring,
They wasted away,
Like I will if you leave

You are an itch in my skull,
in my ears, that I
cannot get rid of
no matter how many
ways I try to
rip my brain out.

Honey is sweet.
Honey is sweet as it's
poured into my throat
in a never ending stream.
But there comes a time
when I am too drunk
on the sugar to
notice that the
sweetness is too thick
for me to
continue to
choke down
anymore.

I wrote a poem about you
yesterday. At least, I
think it was yesterday.
It could have been the day
before yesterday, or
the day before that.
I wouldn't know.
I stopped putting
the dates on all my poems
because they only reminded
me of how many days
I was wasting missing you.
Or maybe I just stopped
remembering what day
it was, so that I could imagine
that time wasn't carrying you
away and leaving me behind.
It's funny that I'm
suffering so much, when
I was the one who left you.
I will never make it off of this
sinking ship of ours.
I am drowning
in my own escape hatch.