I really loved him.
Not in a teenage way,
in a real way.

He was in so many big parts of my life:
Prom.
Graduation.
College.
Everything.

It's so hard to let a person go that's been through everything with you.

That night at Braums,
I was so sure of everything.
I felt that magnetic pull towards you.
That's him, that's the one
I'm gonna marry that boy

It's still a shock I guess,
and it's hard to put on a smile.
I guess when someone has been in your life for that long,
it gets even harder for you to let them go.

I feel in my heart that it isn't over,
but in reality I can't explain.

You were such a big part of my life,
and still are and will be,
there's no denying or pretending that.
You changed everything.

And it's crazy to even say or think this,
I know,
but if you ever came back,
I'd say yes in a moment's flash.

I stare at that ring you gave me,
I realize now more than I ever did how beautiful it is.
It sits on my nightstand,
twinkling.
It is hard for me to hold it,
or even look at it.
But I still do.
I put it on my ring finger,  
but then I take it off again.
I don't know if it's too painful,
or I'm just too hopeful.

It sits on my hand,
and I wait.

*Love is a big word

Nobody deserves that.
I don't care how bad you are.

This is an equivalence to
Ripping out a heart,
Stomping it out,
And then trying to put it back.
It's broken.
It's a pulp.
Yeah it might still beat,
But it's not going to work right.

What you did is wrong,
That's not going to help anything.

I'm screaming inside.

Why would you do this.

Well you don't even care how I feel,
You won't even listen.

Manipulative.

You deserve better

I'm at the end of my rope,
I'm hell on heels.

Sometimes I wish I didn't exist.
That I could just forget it all.
The way he said it.
The way my skin cringed.
The way I was left.
No more of that.
Lets forget it all.
But I can't help it.
It comes creeping into my mind.
Your touch turns into his.
Your voice is his.
Everything is changing back to that night.
Again and again.

Who's going to stay here forever?
You are.
Who's going to love you forever?
You are.
Who is going to buy you a diamond ring?

It's the voices again,
they're back in my head.
They keep replaying scenes from the past.
A nosebleed.
Toby really?
I still remember it all,
like it was yesterday.

Where are you?
I'm here,
in my own little corner.

I'll never leave you*
I know you won't baby,
I know.

I am an animal.
Scared, cold, and shuttering.
A cage encloses me with steel grips.

My master is good to me, and thoughtful.
He brings me food and water to keep me healthy.
I look behind him to the open gate.
A glimmer of light shines.
He returns my hopeful glance with his cold glare.
My cage is closed and locked tight.

I am free to escape him,
but I can't.
Part of me doesn't want to.
I love my master still.
The cold air whips my body as I lay and wait.
And wait,
and wait.

I look back on all my old poems
Wow

This is love.
I feel resurgence in myself.
All these old gears are turning again.

You have to take time to sit down,
and just shut up for a minute.

Remember, please remember

Our first time meeting.
I was so nervous,
but I was so calm around you.
He's different

Our first date
How can this many embarrassing things happen in one day
He definitely saw my ****.
Accident.

Our first kiss
Just like in the movies
One swift motion,
And I was there.

Remember
*Please

Dark thoughts surround me.
I see them.
All of them.
I never realized how many there was.
They have devilish grins on their faces.
I felt like something inside me was missing.
Each of them had something in their claws.

They each had a little piece of me,
That I didn't even know was gone.
They controlled me with it.
They all just sat there laughing at me.
Just laughing.
I tried to run.

I ran as far away as I could.
But they still found me.
How do they find me?
They always do.
They'll always be there in the back of my mind.
I see them everywhere I go.
Each with a different excuse,
Each with a different pick up line.
All waiting to get a little piece of me.

Sometimes I just feel small.
Nothing literal or anything.
I just feel like it sometimes.
And I forget.

I sit with droopy eyes,
Still waiting up.
I have bags under my eyes.
My body is shutting down under the pressure.
Everything is caving in.

And I know I shouldn't have texted you,
But I did.
And  I know I shouldn't have called you,
But I did.

I can't keep the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me slip through my fingers.

I stare at the cabinet.
Just a couple and I could be gone.
I don't have to feel this pain anymore.

What's happening to me,
I was okay earlier,
No.

This is not okay.

I'm being swallowed by the darkness.
Don't let it take me again.

All of these eyes are looking at me,
waiting for the right time to pounce.
I no longer have protection.

Or is it peace of mind

My heart has been hammered into a hundred pieces,
and nobody is picking them up.
I just want someone to feel bad for me I guess.
How pathetic of me.

Don't you want to stay?

I'm not used to all of this,
But in a good way.

Pathetic, yes,
But it's different.
I'm not scared anymore.
Being left after everything,
It messes you up.
Don't leave me now,
I can't handle it.
My heart is the clock within my chest,
Counting out the minutes until you're here
Again.
"Who's going to stay here forever?"
"You are."
"Who's going to love you forever?"
"You are."
"Who is going to buy you a diamond ring?"

I'm not used to all of this,
But in a good way.

I keep trying.
I am trying so hard.
Desperately.
I know I sound and act crazy.
But that's what you do to me.

I need to get this all out of me and fix this.
I can't sleep when this is eating at my mind.
There's no light at the end of the tunnel,
not unless you're there.

I am clingy.
I am crazy.
I am depressed.
I need you though.

I have holes in my shoes from the miles I've walked,
Tired, wandering, lonely and lost.
I've counted the notches,
Struck every time,
But never able to call anyone mine.
I walk with my lonely soul,
down the blackened trail,
Feeling weak, weary, and frail.
I have put in my time,
Taken every punch,
But now there isn't much.
My soul yearns for someone to love,
And for someone to see me in entirety,
And to be loved for once,

finally.

I'm a good ****.
I can tell you the directional derivative of a function though.
But who gives a ****.
I can drive you wild and blow
your mind.
But beauty can beat brains.
And my lips can sing songs,
or they can bring you to fruition.
Depending on the angle, the place, and the time of day,
I can be a whole other person.
Sometimes I have to pick and choose who I am going to be today.

I'm the last thing you think about at night
And never the first thing in the morning.
I'm there when you get lonely and no one is responding.
I'm the second choice to your precious beauty queen.
I'm just a second choice.
Because nobody wants the girl with brains and a mouth.
Nobody wants the girl that has the guts to say no.
Nobody wants that girl,
Nobody.

I've hit a wall,
Over and over again.

Try talking to the one you love,
The one you've been with forever,
But you can't..

You can't talk to them like you used to.
You can't hug them,
Or kiss them.
Nothing

It's back to the beginning.
It's hurting me so badly.
It's frustrating.

I want to run to you.
I want to vent to you.
I want to be held in your arms.

I've hit a wall.
I can't get over it.

I can't knock it down.

I've hit a wall.

I have a hole on my heart.

It's a missing puzzle piece.

I try to fit the pieces into it,

but nothing fits.

I try to jam and pound them in,

but they stick out.

I have a hole in my heart,

and nothing else will fit inside.

I can't go on with this void in my heart.

Everything is crashing down on me like a wave:

Suddenly and painfully.

180 degree flip.

But I can't drop all of the pieces.

She's getting engaged.

He's getting engaged.

I want to be that someday.

I'm just a scared kid.
I don't know what I want,
and I'm not ready yet.
I'm just trying to cling to the sides of life and slow it down.
It's not easy going through it alone,
but someone's gotta do it.
The more it happens,
the more it hurts.
I thought I already went through this.
I didn't make this choice,
and it's not my fault.
When he talks to me I hear you in his voice,
and it's too much to handle.
Shut everything out.
I want to be alone,
I don't need anyone's comfort.
I feel like a puppet on a string,
and life is dragging me along.
I can't stop it.
I can't change it.
The past is the past,
I'm not that girl.
My heart has gone cold.
I don't have a capacity to feel anymore.
I don't need alcohol to numb my pain.
I'm already numb,
and it doesn't hurt.
I did what you told me to do,
and you made your choice.

"So it's not gonna be easy.
It's gonna be really hard.
We're gonna have to work at this every day,
but I want to do that because I want you.
I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please?
Just picture your life for me?
30 years from now, 40 years from now?
What's it look like?
If it's with him, go.
Go!
I lost you once,
I think I can do it again.
If I thought that's what you really wanted.
But don't you take the easy way out."

I hope you know you're my world,
and everything in it.

I am sorry I am acting crazy,
I'm sorry for the repetition.

This is where my feelings can be written,
expressed.

*Oh darling I wish you were here

I sit at the door waiting.
I watch the leaves blow by.
It already feels like an eternity.
As it blows by.
I'm waiting for you,
But you aren't coming.
Where are you?
Are you thinking of me too?
I wish I was a leaf.
Nothing to worry about,
Nothing to do.
I would just tumble and spin
In the wind.
I'm falling
With nothing to catch me.
I'm waiting,
And waiting.
Won't you save me?

I can't move.
I can't breathe.
I can't sleep.
I can't eat.

I think I'll just fade away.

I'm not as strong as I say.

I stay up and I wait and I wait.

It's not over.
I don't accept it.
I won't.
I sit and I wait for you to call or text.
Please,
We can get through this.
I did nothing  wrong.

I want to be in your arms so badly,
You're supposed to be here now.

If you're reading this,
I'm waiting up for you.

I'm trying hard to stay away,
But it's so easy not to.

I'm waiting for you,
Because I love you.

Let's talk.

There's water rushing in
And,I'm the only one who can feel it.
It's filling up my lungs.
I look at the people around me,
I try to scream.
But they can't hear me.
I'm drowning.

I have prayed for someone like you*

God I don't want to hurt anymore,
please.
I've prayed to You,
help me.

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I hate being a woman
Some may ask why and others shake their head because they know.
I hate being a woman.
People look at me,
I talk about the big things in life because I want to be somebody.
I want to help people I want to save lives I want to matter in the world.
I have thoughts I have hopes and dreams.
I have big ideas.
But everybody is more concerned with what I'm wearing, or what size bra I wear, or what my favorite *** position is.
I hate being a woman.
We stand on a pedestal miles high, and high heels much higher,
for everyone to gaze at our complexions and so called "temples" of a body.
We are taught to shut our mouths and do what others tell us to do.
It's wrong to say no.
It's okay for our men to ****** and be ****** to release and express,
But women are delicate and pure.
We are not ****** beings.
We aren't allowed to speak our minds freely because we are wrong.

I hate being a woman.
Because in a world of free men,
We stand, still chained to the past.

***** fingernails
That's all I can really remember
Besides the sweet and piercing pain
That kept me throbbing but still on the edge of ecstasy
As tears rolled down my cheek
I wondered what would become of me
This is all I deserved,
and this is all I ever will deserve.
Just sweet and piercing pain with no comfort after.
No one to come home to.
No one to laugh with,
just no one.

I know I can be not all there sometimes,
I know.

Sometimes I like being alone,
I know.

Sometimes I don't treat you with the respect that you deserve,
I know.

But this is what you'll have to deal with.
You can take it or leave it.
Sometimes I think I am just terrible to you.
I treat you like dirt.
I am just used to it ending by now.
I'm sorry.

Woe to the girl who was left alone,
with her eyes that barely were shown.
She stood alone and pondered often,
remembering the words used to soften.

Who ever loved her?

If she deserved it or not,
we'll never know.

Sometimes a person can feel alone,
even in a sea of people.
There is so much noise in the room and
you are just sitting there.
Alone.
So many thoughts are going through your head.
He is talking
She is talking
He is yelling
She is yelling
The sound of silence.
Everything can get quiet really fast,
time shifts.
Then it's over.