Kaiden

Kaiden 1d

Lost

Lost in a world i knew so well,
Locked myself up in my own hell,
Losing friends,
Hoping that it finally ends,
And sets me free from my own prison.

False beliefs,
Trying to find relief from the grief
Of an alive person,
A brother, a son,
He's still here,
But i believe he's gone.

i might take a break from writing (i know i keep saying this, i'm sorry) because i quite literally went into psychosis and i can barely function, not even mentioning writing. btw yes, im getting help, it just doesn't really work tbh

#lost

Kaiden 2d

give up.

i gave up,
took the sharpener out of the drawer,
resetted the streak.
it's pointless,
the addiction scarred my mind
like the blade scarred my skin,
the wetness of the blood
and feeling of the skin opening
won't leave me like the people in my life did
so they're good, are they not?

i can quite literally feel myself becoming less functional every single day and i honestly dont know how long i can stay here

#suicide

Kaiden Jun 6

scars

each one has a reason
a purpose that faded away,
another time someone broke your trust,
broke you.

each one is for a specific person,
or people,
for a thought or memory,
for satisfaction, control or punishment.

each one is shaped differently,
yet you recognize every single one.
the sight of them fading fills you with a need for more
as you go deeper.

at this point im not even trying to stay clean, there's no point. i'll relapse anyway. it's quite ironic how someone you thought you could trust becomes the reason you want to disappear (in my case its my stepfather and a few other people)

#suicide #selfharm

Kaiden Jun 6

not real

this place
i got forced into
is not real.
it may be for you,
but for me it is not.
after some time you start to see through the lies humans -
- or the others - built.
you see though this reality
into yours,
the voices feeling more real than people,
the shadows more comforting than touch

honestly i dont even know what im writing anymore, maybe it's just cuz im tired, maybe it's cuz im dissociating again, i have no idea. i just want it to end like *** just make it stop without pushing me in deeper for once

#suicide #derealization

Kaiden Jun 6

Hope

Hope is worthless.
You get it
And lose it,
Each time feeling more painful than the other.
Sometimes lies are more reliable than the truth

im so ******* done, everytime i get the tiniest bit of hope and my mental health is starting to get better, i ******* lose it cuz why not. im too tired to even try at this point, for the past **** knows how long ive been trying to convince myself im not suicidal, just to not **** myself before summer break, then i can be depressed all i want. i have exactly 20 days left until summer break and i genuinely dont think i'll be alive by then. "oh but your brother will get worried", i dont ******* care at this point. i really dont. nothing is real anyway, i just ended up being in this ******* reality where everyone hates me. sorry for the rant but im way too ******* tired for this.

#suicide #fuckingkillmepls

Kaiden Jun 6

again.

everyone is already asleep
the pills seem to stare right into your soul
you grab the blade,
the cold edge hitting your skin
almost tenderly.
as the thick, dark liquid stains the sheets,
you open the bottle with your shaky hands.
and take them out
one by one.
it tells you to hurry up.
you quickly consume every single one,
before you could regret it.
you write a few notes, texts, explaining why you'll be gone,
possibly forever.
they don't have to know that though.
you can already feel the headache coming,
the regret slowly creeping in,
you pass out.
you wake up a few hours later,
confused,
the realization finally hits you.
you don't want to listen,
but the pill whispers:
"again."

honestly i've failed so many attempts i lost count. this is probably the last thing i'll write in a while, or maybe the last thing i'll ever write. if that's the case, i love you all and i'm so sorry.

#suicide

Kaiden Jun 6

Promises

You make promises,
And never keep them.
Making a spontaneous decision to form a bond
Of the promise you'll never keep.

The necklace you used as a proof
That you can keep a few words true,
Now laying in your drawer,
Becoming a simple memory.
The bracelet you still wear on your wrist,
Not having the heart to take it off,
While the promise was broken ages ago,
Leaving it a meaningless piece of material.

The notebooks with poems,
About random people, thoughts, feelings,
Untouched for years,
The letters you knew he'd never recieve.

And the shiny blade,
Slowly being decorated by rust,
Yet you still use it.
You don't know why,
You don't know what it gives you,
But you made a promise.

this one is long af, kinda a vent thing i guess? idk bro i dont care at this point

#promise #suicide