she said: " there's no real peace in revenge. "
i could never hurt you like you hurt me.
i could never make the pain beautiful or seem like it is worth it either. 
 i love you.

i cannot count the amount of times I've said I love you, to you, it's really funny because, i do not know you, i fell for the way you probed my brain as if there was something of real worth there, i feel for a picture, i fell for pictures, my God, you are beautiful, but that does not change the fact that i spend all my time thinking about you when I'm not talking to you but i do not know you, this is a whole new different type of PCH going on here the words " baby you can be my catfish , lingering on and on and on " this heart? Is a grenade, susceptible to emotion but can easily withdraw from them too. what have i gotten myself into ? this is far from just being another case of my " fear of being alone " this is me digging myself into a hole trying to find China, what have i gotten my heart and mind into now? another broken record, obsession driven ****, i have an illness.

You were in the moment but the moment we shared, was and Is mine, to keep. "  -so much for being connected, you will never understand what that means to me.

You're the loudest memory.
I was wrong 
Thinking I could easily forget the love 
I feel for you 
I was wrong. 
You've always had a way with making me see truth.
The love of my life
The love I never got to feel
You are it and I am done trying.

Lit sticks of marijuana,
Held to my lips,
By my hand
Are now easier to bare
because I have nothing tying
My heart
To you.
Though I am still sad, I am not crying for you anymore and that is okay.

I think of you more than a lot
I think of you so much
I think of how you're not mine.
I think about how this is something i should be over
I think about how much i still love you
I think about how i shouldn't
I think you're beautiful
I think you're the worst ever
I think you're my pink cloud
I think of you
I think I'm sick and tired of it all.

" do you know how dangerous it is to have a mind like yours and a soul like yours ? that **** will bring people to their knees "
Alexis-Rae said this to me 46weeks ago, just a little less then a year ago, thinking about her words and how positive and beautiful my words, my poetry was back then how I once had fallen for someone so deeply that she could do no wrong and she was every bit of the word serendipity, how I believed in balloons and all that really fairytale oriented analogies, I think of this and wonder where that person went, I see her in the mirror everyday when I wake up but she's hidden herself with a gray facade of hideous lies, she spews truth but wallows so deep into this new being she has become and has grown, she's grown enough to see and call out ******* as it comes her way but we always go back to what we're accustomed to and still I see the beauty in the girl I am so deeply in love with, I still think of her when I see flowers growing need I remind you it's winter and it's cold but the warmth emitted from her aura, the raw emotion she has brought to my life, baby i cannot and will not leave you, you may hurt me and i may say the wrong things at times but this ? us ? I'd like to believe that I still believe in forever , I believe in forever with you, this poem was supposed to be about me and how I've grown but you have become a part of me, a part of me I do not want to part with, if you were to walk away, I'd wither away and cease to exist, we're in a rocky place but I still believe in being the calm that comes after a storm, grant me the pleasure of being your cradle, you weren't there but rock-a-bye baby let me sing you a lullaby and lay your head on my chest and fall into a deep sleep where you wake and the first name you say is mine and I look into your eyes as if you were, you are the light, the light I want to fall into not the never ending abyss I've fallen into. I digress , I love you Reane, I love you...a thousand times I do. Alexis, thank you for the kind words.

she told me:
        God is a black woman
   i was not thinking about you but i agreed.
she said:
      
She lives in North Africa,
     she doesn't age
       light reflects off of her skin.

i started thinking of you
AND now i miss you

I will love you till the end

" If I could give myself to you I would "
...
Is this not love?
Maybe I want to believe that it is?
Is this not love?
What the hell is this?
Is this not love?
Should it be this difficult
Is this no...it's been three years
Is this no...walk away
It's lov...no walk...it's love
No!

to the girl..
  my.. girl...

tell me what this is? is this the reality of what we've become ? what we're meant to be.
stargazing into infinity sounds like a cry for help than a romantic gesture shared between two lovers, star crossed..kept a part by time..
  I'd like to someday share this with you but i cannot fathom the mere thought of us being close together, in the same room hell even the same continent..
what have we become ?
is this love?
you can't call me baby.. because it's been years and I'm not her.
i can't hear you call me baby.. because I'm not her and somehow you've made me feel like " that girl " the one that's only worth something when it suits you best..
i flinch whenever you call me baby.. i can't breathe, sometimes i feel disgusted, like second grade crap because that's all I've been to you..
something's got to give.

where there's a flame..fire, someone is bound to get burnt
to the girl:
personifying fire as you, my flame.
    you started a fire and you left it in the heart of a person, you left the fire in me, you left it , you left it and you left it in a room filled with papers, papers filled with words, words written for you.
   I don't know how this works anymore, do you let someone in, do you allow them to be apart of you and leave with parts of you?
is it okay to just walk away from someone, without so much as a goodbye or an explanation as to why?
this may not have been your intention, but did i not mention that my heart has been torn? did i not vow to love you ? did you not promise to keep my heart safe as i promised to do with yours?
as i said, this night may not have been your intention but it's right before eleven and i am staring at the moon wondering if you are too? ******* ..I'm not..this is poetry..I'm sitting in this dark corner with this fire lit and i am crying over you.

stay away, sweet misery. the love she gave you was never yours too keep. love her wholeheartedly and watch her walk away with all you had to give.
stay away. sweet sweet misery.

you're gone.
i can't breathe, without you.
someone tell me what to do now.

pretty sure I feed all my demons just because without the sadness I feel incomplete.
no weeping willows or lights to hold me together like a straight jacket.
broken little person looking for acceptance into way too many baggies and cigarette packs.

specks of light in the skies, always amounting to the stars i counted and slowly realising how deep this love goes, i could never look you in the eye to see the constellations shining bright

questions existing. questions unanswered, the world we live in is not what it seems, i don't mean to stir up and shift the earth of its axis but, questions are left unanswered, almost cures found money making schemes.
question existing, why don't you love me

we're haunted by shadows of what could have been, unfulfilled dreams of what ifs, weeping willows speak to me as the wolves howl at the moon, looking right at the constellations i could never bare to look at for risk of having this fire lit while you move on to another who cares for naught while i stare at the stars and howl with the moon with guilt of loving you and you taking too much, a ***** shame, sins we've committed, i pray to the heavens that i get in

I am lonely,
Without you.
You are missing,
From me.

I go days without the thought of you lately..
It hurts that I still remember you..
But it hurts more that you're becoming a memory..
Something of the past..

i am only a Ghost because she did not love me hard enough

The silent whispers of the night
they remind me of who I was to you
they remind me of who you are to me.
I may be weak but it is no longer for you
I'm sorry for losing you
I'm sorry for losing myself

From lengthy conversations to small talk being the new deep..lost generation..
I could never love you deserving.
I could never make it beautiful either. You walked away, I commend you on the well executed escape plan.
the contemplating, gun to the head girl, was not granted the pleasure of seeing your long black hair blow in the wind with the willows. all i could do was put the phone down.

-catharsis.
Cyphers , seeking enlightenment.

as each day passes with nothing but silence, then maybe, with your torturous attempt to loving me comes and passes,
i think of you less.
i love you more but as I am only human, i hate myself more for being foolish.

That's all I seem to be able to do. 
Wallowing in my pain. Or  rather the thoughts of you, conjured up by my mind because of the empty space you left when you walked in and out of my life. Certain subconscious happiness  in your leaving but the clear sadness the clear surplus of what ifs are never ending and I cannot break free. 
I miss you. That's all I know now. Missing you, that is all I am now. I wish for so many things, your happiness seems to out weigh, every selfish wish I have had, what is love if not a touch of possession, selfishness. 
 .qm

i felt my heart break.
you were there
and you felt it too.
earthquakes beneath my skin,
tremors felt,
feared.
i posses the power of unruly waves, you've seen me shake.
All you have to do is hold me tight enough to keep my aching heart at bay.
Question existing:
is this the end..

to the girl:
        i don't think you understand
     how much of myself i gave to
    you.
        you were hurt, but i was too,
      i still am. you took everything
      from me and still I'd answer the
      phone if you were to ever call me.
   one would think that i would not care
    but who i am ? who i am today is partly because of you, i may not like it most days but i am a creditor and i give credit where it's due, you did not make me but you did something to me, i'd like to forget it all and forget you too, but you were art to me, the problem with the art is the artist, i fed your ego, i fed your demons i made it okay for you to step all over me one day and the next? I'd still let you myself see the beauty in your broken pieces and that too became art too me and you were the most precious thing to me.
to the girl: you were not at fault but i will not sit here and let you embody all parts of me and break me and call it art and still feed your being and make myself less of a person, i will not sit here feeling sorry for you or myself, i will not forget my worth or give myself up for you or any other either.
to the girl: i loved and lived for you but now ? It's time i started breathing on my own and just being comfortable in my own skin and being okay with my pain and not take on the pain of a thousand false lovers and preconceived ideas of what can and should be.
to the girl: this entry is more for all the girls and not just one specific being.
    i now know my worth..

I am growing old without you
I hate this
I love you
You're still in my heart and it makes me sad

I have no desire to be rid of you
I have no desire to feel without you
I have no desire to throw away all your beautiful
I have no desire to try.
I have no desire to court you like I could, I have no desire to court you like you are worth it,
worth it? you are,
very much so
but you don't love me, atleast not like the days you finally said it to me.

I can see the situation I'm in SNOWBALL
..to hell
but I cannot stop it, I absolutely wont
because I am a shitmagnet
I want all that hurt on me, I want to feel the pain, I could go also say that I want to punish myself for killing her

I don't know, it could be a pretty sight.

sidebar: I honestly live ten aeons to your one

nightmares do come true.
realising just how lonely i really am.
i never thought I'd ever feel this way again, the only thing that appeals to me is my art and it seems as if momentarily I have lost it, to the girl that thought she broke my heart, truth be told? your actions do not come close to what I'm feeling, i said this before but now i believe it

I am flawed
I admit this but that was never the issue
...you were once able to kiss my scars and look at me like i was still perfect  and I could do the same, I would still do the same
...but the realness was just that, too ******* real for you and forever is now too much for you.

i remember.
i remember telling her, i played Tetris because, everything started to go bad and i missed her.

|everything went bad and somehow that was code for " we cannot be together anymore "
everything went dark and i could not get up and leave because i was truly in denial, i could make it through another quiet month?
everything went bad, went quiet, i slowly became what i was feeling, i went quiet, as i missed her too much to allow myself to be as open before.
everything went bad and i lost parts of me, as if i had anything left to lose.

|i missed her, the very reason for all my pain, i can't even blame her, i gave her the power to build a home in my mind without even living there.
|i don't remember where I begin.
  i don't remember the love i had for you.
i don't remember a night without tears.

to the girl:
        thinking about you hurts
             i don't like doing it anymore
           but how do i stray from what i
           am accustomed too.
         night time, eleven : eleven passed
         you're not the one i wish for..
         anymore.
      nor will i ever wish upon a star
      for another lover as if star crossed
      is what we are.

the difference between
you and them.
they let me be.
    you make me want to be.
they lead me to believe in a brighter
day.
   you make me see
    you make me seek
    you make me want the brighter day.
         whoever you are.

Pretty baked.
#feels
  - watch her move as far as she can from those who kept her together and broke her all at the same time, because she spent so much time alone and without them and doesn't want to feel their presence. " they are leaving again they aren't staying " she repeats, to herself.
#backofdadscar

i built a home in you.
i found happiness in you.
i found life in you.
i found parts of myself
   in you.
i built a home in you,
all by myself
i built a home in you,
with you|your permission.
i love you, to the ends of this earth
i love you.
i love you, to the breaking of me.
i love you, everything.
i love you, everything.
i love you, to the end of myself
                   to the end of you.
i love you, a mistake.
i love you, i would do it all over again
                   without any hesitation.
i love you, everything.

I still miss you like May 31st
It still hurts like the first time

there was once a love story hidden in
the words " i stay up all night for you "
           " i wait for you to message me "
           " i will wait for you "
           " you "
i think about how ridiculous i must have sounded in those moments, waiting for you, a love that has passed, a love that is no longer mine, no longer ours.
i was stupid to think that you were ever mine.

broken heart; tear stained pillows, books and sleeves..
you said to me " you are missed " my immediate response was " you are missing from me, baby please come back to me " those words were easily typed and then again erased.. and with that I had to excuse myself and stain the sleeves in the comfort of my own solitude..trapped
i need you, not a part of you but all of you as i gave my everything to you, it may be hard but in order for me to call myself yours, this box, you call home? has to become something more than a vessel i plan my inevitable end

If we could withstand tremors then,
a woman can't split us in half.
In this situation we try to chase after what we both can't probably have,
or just enough for one and we can't really share.
I see your lust in your lengthy stares,
but atleast we could've prepared ourselves for what lay ahead..

I love you, she wrote on the tear stained paper, ink dripping, like the waterfall you , had created in her- heaven , trembling. My love is made for you. I cannot leave , I will not leave for once this love?...
This love Is not unrequited ..
my heart, truly entwined in your web of lies..
I am caught.. possessive? I am not. I will not keep you here. I will not keep you here while still trapped.. I cannot let you keep me here while you go on living or rather breathing...
I want to hold you like a willow in the wind...i want you to be still in my arms...
rock a bye baby .. this ? This right here is your cradle, lay in it..
my love for you is being tested...
I choose you. I choose you

I tried to find you but you hid behind a hideous facade of lies and heartache masked by debris of supposed happiness.
Were you heaven sent??
You were heavenly scented and it drove my nostrils on a frenzy like a day spent at FD's,
and I think Richard got a whiff too..

What's a whiff if I can't always have your scent laced to my nose hairs??
What's a thought if I can't have endless kisses from you,
how soon until I get to look at you without feeling guilty coz its rude to stare.
But in your eyes I find serenity..
So please just tell me,what's your name,Miss??

Serenity, in your eyes, found. Miss , tell me your name and grant me the pleasure of shouting it across the room with pleading eyes, an aching heart , believe me my core too...  I love you , I love you... Baby grant me the pleasure of whispering it in your left ear while I caress your right.. The right way.

feelings of missing you
remind me that I am human
that I bleed too.

..earthquakes beneath my skin.
i posses the power
     of unruly waves.
you've seen me shake.
i cannot count on you to hold me
    when i am most troubled.
..earthquakes beneath my skin,
tremors i could never control.
suicide|

i lied and said i need you. I don't. I need her. I miss her. I'm sorry. I do love you but this void needs filling you're more than willing. I could be good to you. Do right by you...past experiences have me shook.