I should have known not to invite to dinner
You, the girl, the expert in starving herself.
How could I expect you to hold sacred our home
When you couldn't value your own temple?
How could I expect you to respect my body
When you're just learning to feed your own?
Sometimes you'd toss me a bite of laughter
A morsel of affection
A rotting scrap of comfort
You kept me fed, you learned to eat,
Regimenting all other aspects of your life instead
Your greatest strength, your self-control
Except when it came to controlling your hunger
For losing your self the way I lost mine
In him.
His wit, his reach, his pull for someone, anyone,
Even I, who left no mystery,
Even you, the unattainable,
You, I'd sit on your bed
You across from me
Alone together, home
Until the day you wanted to hold his hand
Regardless of whether I was ready to let it go.
Before you crossed oceans to explore new countryside,
Before I returned to dig for my roots in foreign soil,
You invited me into the same house, us two,
But I couldn't pretend you still felt safe.
You opened the door, arms, palms outstretched,
Pretty face pasted with a smile
I wanted to see the glue peel off
I couldn't trust your laugh
I knew it didn't belong,
I didn't belong any longer.
As soon as I left the edge of your bed
You invited him into your sheets.
But still, I tried to sit with you again,
Shifting, uncomfortable
The lingering smell of his hands
Reaching, pulling.
I tried to hold my breath, hold my tongue,
Despite the biting words gnawing the insides of my cheeks
An attempt to swallow, caught in throat
Until they finally escaped from between my teeth
Choking,
I spit them on your plate.
(Like the mounds of portions you used to abandon there
Before they told you that you'd shrivel out of existence
If you didn't start eating)
You buried your head in sheets
Hid your mouth with your hands
Drew in breath
And when you exhaled you asked me back inside,
Said you'd tell him he's no longer welcome
Cast him out to wander
A stray sitting on a stoop
I know how quickly the frost-bite spreads
Torso shut, limbs frozen
A long time ago, I convinced myself I kept him warm
Then it was you, the starving girl, who fed him
Now we've both told him to leave
Cast him out to wander
Torso shut, limbs black and frozen
I know how quickly the frost-bite spreads
As I sit on your bed, on your sheets, in our home again
You ask me to stay for dinner.