I should have just
Kissed you in front
of everyone
and all at once
I shouldn't have
Jumped over
the lump in my throat
To get passed
All the notes that you wrote
Ink that stained my paper skin
Stand naked & read
over and over again
There is no more begins with
Like a light switch
Your hands turned me on
and every room would shine
I sleep in pitch black now
cause you aren't mine
& I might seem fine
but at night I'm reminded
and light only brightens
the empty space on my chest
where you'll always belong

I let you inside
every time
and the times that I don't
is because you're no where to be found
you make me laugh and make me want
to taste the sound of your voice
I laugh, you catch my hand
and let me taste all of your noise
you are an angel
such beauty in his brand
I know i'm not good at you yet
but then again maybe I am
and your lips are so unreal to me
your skin is like dessert
you tempt my need to be an astronaut
when you release me from this earth
I forget all of my patterns
my boxes open up
you're a breath of mountain air
you're like water in my cup
and our lips can out-dance
anyone
i've known this to be true
and you'll always be a dream of mine
til' I can have what's left of you

tried to sit with it
ended up on the far end of the bench
clenching my
unclench these
empty fists
hands laced with could
but not full up

crowing;
I'm crowing this
woman's name
this woman I
this and I
not as us

the brain of the dog
can sense the rain
the heart of the horse
that laps at your face

outstretched arms of quiet drenched in sentiment, drenched in sentences, dripping through my mornings. spilling that tar from the lung's lies, spilling salt and honey
honey and spit
dancing heavy
spooning sweat
not being let

could you speak up
say yes
I'm not ready to give you up quite yet

My pride is compiled into miles of sighing
I've tried to unwind
but it has tightened it's binding
I'll stop crying;
& try finding
Where my mind might be hiding
Behind the despise
or beside my  u n w i s e  compromising
I'm not blind but sometimes
I'd like to be
I use to enliven the linings
now i'm ripping up seams
The feel of uneasy
even greets me in my sleep
cause i'm the one I have to sleep with
& I don't sleep with obsoletes
"Everyone makes mistakes" they say
but that doesn't change a thing
cause when I look into the mirror
I hate the girl I see
Pride is surprising, only the good deserve to have it
the evil can't have pride
cause we confuse it with bad habits

I will finish all of your favors
& you will forget me
stand here foolish, face the moon
& lying under
one-thousand truths

I to me, Julie -
"you'll forget what you're doing.
we can wait through being patient
but we can't hide from being ruined"

losing faith, you're losing room
you knew before what not-to-do
all of my doing's, fall confusing
proves the fruit of all I'm losing

is to sacrifice my bloom
inside the garden of my tombing

it is 12:02
I can hear the bell at the mission
it's holy alarm
beats of your syllables today
you, my midday meal
I'll likely starve
but you're feeding me numbers
less & less everyday
thinning 'till I binge on you

I've stopped seeing clearly
this lack of oxygen is absolutely thrilling
I'm just a crow in your intricate pinfold
however beautiful the build, careful
I am locked, without stretch
& somehow you are free to roam

I only ask to rest on your arm but you've been claimed by dogs, honey.
I'm not one to fly around heads either, i'd rather rest in your trees,
but trees don't grow in cages and I use to fly with my eyes closed before this.

as temporary as seconds
& constant like a calender
I've always hated math
I can't count on numbers the way I do letters
but I have smelled you on every numbered page
& I've been counting down these days like hail
waiting patiently on your storm

Pouring whiskey down my neck
like what the heck
***** you're reckless
you ain't fancy
wearing liquor like a necklace
you're suppose to be growing
you're acting so feckless
you haven't crossed one word
off that to do or that checklist
you're infectious
and not like a smile
but more like a pile
of junk
stung out
for miles and miles
it's wild to me that you pretend to defend
the fact that this woman is not just your friend
in the end I recommend you extend your arm farther
before you end up to be just like your father
it's getting harder for me to act like I'm not bothered
when i'm talking to myself here
and i'm not getting stronger
i'm alone and i'm scared
i'm not prepared to be slaughtered
with all this fighting going on
it's not making me smarter
but i'm using my weight this time
and i'm hitting much harder
i just did another shot
i guess tonight i need armor

the sign said no right turn
I went the wrong way instead
I said I should have walked left
to get you out of my head
but far I walked right
so far I walked wrong
tapping my feet
to this god awful song
and stomping I stopped
& turning around
it was me who left herself
to peel what was left
right off of the ground

Nothing you say now
Feels familiar and I
Thought I'd never see the day
I couldn't count on anything
Not even numbers
I just roll my eyes
I roll them so when I look back
the pain from straining
Will stop the remembering
And I'm forced to wait
To see clearly again

sometimes, I wonder what you think about
when your eyes are closed
through all the florescent shapes that
melt and bend around the objects
you were focusing on before;
and if it's ever me
I've been seeing you everywhere
today I saw you in the ocean
I listened to waves and rocks
crash beneath my feet
and while that child laughed with every gull
I thought I heard you speak
for the past hour
I've stayed silent
listening only to the incessant caw of these ravens
and praying they never stop
& wished instead to hear your footsteps
with every leaf that dropped
I'm having a hard time with your face today
that I so badly want to kiss it
& fearing for my sanity
that I should ever miss it
circumstance is such a strange concept to me
it's when I c a n n o t be with you
that
I can no longer
breathe

empty space between each f i n g e r 

the air that floats between every strand of hair

dancing around your face

countless freckles

on boundless skin 

we are shapes 

and i just want to fit somewhere 

beside you

I've climbed out of my own cage this time
My own ribs & blood
& all the salt
Comparable to the ocean
I've rinsed my cheeks incessantly
Cry? I don't cry
I weep
& never because I missed you
Your bones are metal to me
& I don't weld
I start to pick up
& you sprinkle your ashes in my mouth
your ashes weigh more than sand
& I can't stand anything that stops my breathing
& she's still on your hands, your eyelashes
So keep me out of your head
I don't live in your mouth anymore
I moved out
I tripped on your tongue, stranger
& learned to walk a bit slower
I'm learning to be more like grass
Strong enough to be stomped
& silent
I'll grow everywhere it rains
& Come January
I'll burn like hair

I don't know if that was the right thing to say
of if I even know what that is anymore

I see the divide now
how I'm set on fire
by the
ice
in your
eyes
and how they both destroy my
s k i n
& yet
they heal completely
different
and

that maybe
if
you ever wanted that
fever again
you'd call me

count on me for something
let my hands be what you need
a jar of stars I pulled for you
revealing colours never seen  
I fought the sky
a thousand times
I argued with the Moon :
"the dark surrounds us all my love,
it does not  belong to you"

these stars, they are not promises
this light it was not free

I stole from constellations
I caused Venus to scream  

I've been talking in my sleep at night
& I've fallen in the shower
I've cursed through drunken verses
& tore through fields of broken flowers

so put those stars where they belong
& please have mercy on these hours
the math it takes to have you back
has me counting crooked;
*backwards

it didn't matter
cause you were mine
&
it was night time

Should I shield myself
I'll feel nothing
If I open my chest up
My heart will start its running
My blood starts over flooding
Then suddenly
we're nothing
If this is what nothing feels like
Then I'd like to just feel something
Else
Something healthy
Like a hand
Something heavy

Something touching something else
You touched me far before you met me

Counting stars & feeling small
Small like it felt
right when you left me
But left just isn't right girl
Hard as rocks before you wrecked me
Sharp as shards and twice as deadly
Now I sit here like a log
& even the frogs have all misread me
My own heart is out to get me
But I will not say a word
This time
I'll stay focused on mine
While you try & look for yours

I sit quiet
trying to describe
the thoughts on my mindset
but i'm silent
and my thoughts aren't quite sounding right yet
and my silence is being charged as a knife
like a forged threat
now i'm forced to regret
everything i just said
and i'm stuck on the fence
does this make me defenseless ?
am i lost if i don't know where e x a c t l y this fence is?
it's senseless to me to defend all of my mentions
I'm just trying to find truth
behind these false pretenses

Hey Time,
just this once
could you do me a favor ?
maybe take the night off;
I can explain my disclaimer
you've just been moving so fast
& I want back what I came for
they say you go on without us
so what the hell do we stay for ?
it's like every single second
draws a line by my mouth
I'm not the type to sit and waste you
but I've seen the work that you're about
I'm not saying that I doubt you
but you're showing me no light
I sit in the dark surrounded by
your wisps & ticking every night
i'm frightened by you, Time
you give me no guidance
instead you torture my mind
& brightly blind me with defiance
you've tried to take what was mine
when your minutes started flying
I wasted a year ignoring that
& found the opposite of silence
So i'm begging you tonight
to hand me only what I came for
press your pause button, please
so I can slowly stop the pain
for just tonight
it's all I ask
a favor easily returned
you give me back my life
I promise you
my soul you will have earned

An angel sleeps
so far away from me
she use to be
a dream I would pray for

her heart it bleeds
as she begs me to see
e v e r y t h i n g
we laid down and stood for

better than me
cause she feels effortlessly
the truth that pries
and pounds on my front door

But I still leave
like i'm too blind to believe
that I could have been
all that she hoped for

One day she'll see
when she is forgetting me
that she's a Queen
that she deserves so much more
than
me

Am I thinking too much
Or is it too little ?
Consumed with what's in between
I found you in the middle
so riddle me this
there's a flick in my wrist
it wants to push and press
breathlessness
from under your hips
out of your lips
i want you to grip both my shoulders
turn your weight into shapes
I'll hold, unfold and then smoulder
your tongues a bit young
for my taste when I'm sober
i'm not one to hold back
turn this hole in my face to it's holster
i'm not bold but I'm brave
I'll probably break if I hold her
& the older I get
seems the more I grow colder
it was the cold that unfolded
the roll of my boulder
she's the ice in the road
that stole the control
I lost in October

these people and their problems
these women and their bodies
my mouth is a circus
my head is in the clowns
and
I'm holding you steady as to shoot
my love for you's on a noose
but not you
you're holding me loose
a still-life painting of some fruit
but
what
is
this fruit
without any juice
what is the use
tell me, what is the use
            
*?

duplicated hills
spilling thrills upon water
I watched the sun go down
I watched the bay change
& I wondered
why do i drive late at night
just to be all alone
get me away from this bridge
& take me back home
I'm spilling my guts tonight
& I don't care who sees it
I have enough on my plate
to feed every beast needing
I wish I could spin this wheel
& flip me around
park my car in your yard
in your bed I'd lay down
but I cannot tonight
my thoughts are all slipping
but i think I've grinned enough
to sleep tight where i'm living
there is a chance this night
to see your sweet face
if i could just close my eyes
& sleep now
to not waste
another second
being selfish
in writing this out
i wish to wake up with you
i n s t e a d  o f
face down

the hardest move
I've ever made;
I did it with a twist

I let go with my mouth
& then,
I let go with my wrist

I let go of some words
I'm not,
sure of what I said

& I question
if love's in our hearts,
or only in our heads ?

This stream of consciousness
Is nonsense
Like following monsters
When monsters
Do. Not. Win.
Only a flounder could swim
To the depths of my sin
If only I found her
Before I got swept in this whim
& that's when I heard her say "maybe"
Again
Let me swerve in reverse
& then change what I did
Now my whole soul is cursed
& this cannot be fixed
This is the last time we kiss
& I'm sure that I'll miss you
I wish this clash would have lasted
But now I'm forced to forget you

she obviously doesn't need anyone to tell her goodnight
and
o h  m a n !!
**** good morning
**** if it doesn't feel like mourning
when i wake up ridiculous
when i fall asleep stupid
we both speak English.
**right?

I've wrapped up
& taped down all my breaths
(This time)
Instead of
you
Always taking them away

please don't
cling
to another chest
i'm begging
cause i'm still dangling from yours
and love
don't devour her soul
mine is still everything with yours
funny how pathetic rhymes so well
with regret
it's almost poetic
how you
gave me up to this
necessity
you say it so
apathetically
like i'm just suppose to be okay
living without you

when she said my name -
I was forced to learn the difference
b e t w e e n pain & **ache

I want the silence
I want to tell it yes
and to keep it
am I so evil?
I don't deserve to
claim my own time
I've been around clocks without you
I've fallen without you
I've done it all
and I am still here
and you are still here
but neither of us know where that is
anymore
and we played a silly game
for far too long now
and no one won anything anyway

I chase
I chase
everyone pales in comparison
I'm stale
I listen
I hear only you
you feed me substance
it keeps me thin
keep me healthy
as i listen
i witness
I'm sinless
and you
you're skinless until I've touched you
i'm ribless until devoured
we're nothing
until together
and maybe
we're that maybe
that ends up making
some sort of
sense

i want to hand something to you
that we both have not seen
i'm sure you think you know more
in your decade
than in all my missed scenes
but i'm in no competition
I just want your attention
i wish you had less on your plate
than what you'd find in my kitchen
with your permission
i'd like to submit something
a premonition of my being
but these thoughts turn into dreams
& if i can't lie still
than sleep i found
is hard to achieve
when i carry nothing;
what do we sing for ?
when that curtain drops pressure
it's not something i'd lean on
but an idea
of a beautiful woman
an impossible girl
the kind that sends your knees to the ground
she'll make your jaw hit the floor

You let me
Paint your nails at a bar
And
I fell in love with you
In line for ice cream
Searching faces on a wall
That was our flume
you were my star
I thought our plot
would end up on Mars
We road hard
I road you hard
I cannot seem
To forget your arms
Now I'm scarred
Feathered and worded
I traced your courage
To stick around
When I wasn't flourishing
Until you had enough
How abrupt that was
I ****** us
You're fed up
With my flooding
I filled your cup with disgust
I should have drank it back up
But instead I poured worry
and our book got shut
& I wonder if you underlined
any of the words to that story

the truth tonight is useless
I know what you'll say
you'll say how much you love me
and for me to go away
this proposed disposal
makes a girl feel like a queen
buried 9 feet
underground  
from there is where I scream
thinking I was settled
guess I didn't learn a thing
cause here I am just spinning
catch me puking in the sink
draw out all these nights
on a tiny piece of paper
write down what I am
then rip it up for later
trying to be patient
and waiting for your call
******* up my chance to talk
I think I'll drink them all
prepare yourself for pain my dear
that's all you'll eat tonight
swallow it like fire
it's the burn you will not like
trust yourself and you will find
a tiny piece of mind
& if she no longer wants you
then you must leave her behind

Please
stop me if I speak to much
but don't blush when I punch you
when the brink of my preach gets rough
cause what kind of lover am I
and what kind of family man
who leaves when he wants
letting go of softer hands
and with no thought out reason
cause it was christmas and I loved you
and soon it will be christmas again
without either fingers
or arms or wrists or anyone
tearing toys on the floor
I want more of this
you see
but I fight a demon inside of me
& he doesn't like to see me happy
does he

in a sense -
"        I tried;        "
still, I couldn't receive
I'd penned :
      bereaved and
believed
                 to mean
       the same
                 thing.

I have to watch my steps now
So i'm not always tripping
Tried to forget what believing felt like
and what i'm not always missing
I want to start forgetting now
all of what I knew
Cause I didn't know her
and I don't know you
I guess it's all up to me now
to find the right things to do
but I've run out of moves
I tripped twice last night
over my shoes and the moon
& biting my tongue these days
is getting easier to do
but the shake makes me loose
& i'll break if I lose it
So I'll face this today
and I won't waste all my minutes
on the hours I spent and days
on resentment
& I pray for the day
for the day it won't matter
I hope by then I get smarter
I hope by then I feel better

here you've shown up;
leaving me to guess where you came from
expecting me to know what to do with you
(with this)
& now waking up is exhausting
falling asleep is impossible
cause I'm not allowed to smell you
& this falling
this fall will be what kills me

I'd like to exhale the frail spell I put upon you
Remove your bells so I can't hear you coming
& I could refrain from being distant
cause missing you is listed
under categories of feeling numb
but i can't explain why i'm so **** inconsistent
cause deep down I know you'll leave and i'll lose you
and soon enough when I can't breathe
it'll be because the words stuck in my throat won't loosen
cause only you loosen me up
& i feel tied down to this

I think I’ll write
another poem
&
name it after you
use words that still confuse me
& then
use them like they’re glue
throw lids on my good mornings
all misread and reused
pretend every day is Sunday
sleep in &
come to
I’m
driving myself crazy
play the same songs
and peruse
the head I use to love you &
the bones inside me too
I will not rush it like tomorrow
won’t try to
burn a tiny wick
still I just
fall asleep to you
writing a poem like
a wish

I spoke to you today
and i don't feel okay about it
cause i talk to you this way
& my brain freezes the thought of shouting
you don't deserve the pain
it's enough for me to plow through doubting
I fight the right to go insane
& my heart can't take the way we're sounding

I think I lost you today
somewhere between
good morning
and having nothing to say
when you know it
cause it feels different
like I should have been more self-aware
and you suddenly appear distant
not like you pushed me
you just told me to stay
so i'm sitting here lost
wishing my flesh away
so I don't have to feel you
or even dream it up
I think I heard what you said girl
but those words aren’t enough
cause my chest is inhaling
all the air off this shift
& this change in our atmosphere
has denied what I wished
should I forget it ?
forget it
i see signs in your dip
and now alone is how I leave you
and that's suddenly it

Falling i’m falling

it all happened so fast

we fall out and fall in 

until the ins and outs are our past

does it last

will i crash 

do i plummet and plunder 

can i grasp what i lack 

w i t h o u t going straight under 

I wonder

and stumble 

then tumble 
and trip

i need to stand up

without losing my grip

but i slip 
when i stand 

and break what i’m holding

now my grip doesn’t fit 

and i’m left holding nothing

I drew a ring around your nose
picked a couple roses
a pocket full of pros
Afraid to know how far you'll throw this
now my mouth is full of
ashes
ashes
we'll all watch me fall down
dizzy is as dizzy does
I watched you watch me hit the ground
I stumbled, tumbling on my feet
I stood up in a whirl
your ring we're calling Rosie
is one complicated girl

I can’t plant my thoughts straight

the garden-bed in my head looks more and more like a moss plague 

this facade fades 
as her faces breaks 
into gray shades 
like a clay stain

it’s a disdained slain

when my brain frames

the notion

of being a train chained to an airplane

most nights
I lie awake and degrade all the extra space in my bed
spaces you'd fill and warm
only exist in my head
I long for that smell
that pulls on my chest
bring it back to me
I'm begging you
so I can finally get some rest
like swallowing a bowl of tacks
push pinned into my ribs
ribs no longer ticklish
these ribs were once a kid's
now turned into a cage of bones
so old
hardened to stone
home to this weak beating heart
but it's the only one I'll own
So i'll try to do what's right tonight
and forget about your head
forget about your overbite
i'll forget about your legs
I try my best
to pretend I can
forget about your hands
i'll push out all of your silly sounds
i'll forget we took a chance
but suddenly I realize
and
I'm just forcing myself to forget you
when all I really, really want
is you back inside my bedroom

My mind is playing head games
I'm trying to calculate the waves
and in all the ways your name slays
like a delayed phrase
a constant dazed phase
you're in my veins
strapped tightly to my rib-cage
you're trying to read me like a book
but you haven't flipped my title page
you engage the rage that I hate
and that hits me like a freight train
chest bones now exposed
and my brain cannot communicate
I could try to turn you off
and in my reign you'd still illuminate

every sip
that enters
sends shivers
down my legs
and the burn
in return
goes straight to my head
I use this juice
to fuel
uses
of what
you
just
read
this ***
is a drum
that plays music
to
my chest
and turns it red
this ism in my genetics
i've learned to embrace it
this drink
makes me think
I refuse to erase it
ceremonial to me
and less like disease
cause it pleases
the need
for me
to write down
anything
like i'm awake
but i'm dreaming
see dreaming is queen
and queens are things
that mean
everything to me
so I keep drinking
and thinking
and writing it down
i'm thinking of
drinking
while writing this down

this time tonight
i fumble
tumbling over my foolishness
and crowding all of these spaces
with the idea of
you
you and me
and now it's just

you

me

separately
is it actually better this way ?
(babe)
you were my present
what I fought to search for
you stood
in my face
in my shower
you were here
entirely
waiting for me to see it
and as soon as i did
you left me

Where is my window ?
I need the
wind to blow &
take me with it

flip me over like a
Beetle

where to end or
when to begin

I’m begging in poetry
to let me in on it

another
heedless nightcap
Send me to my dreams soon

Or
give me to the girl at the bookstore
Like a scented letter

but, send me to my dreams soon
I can’t have anything
else tonight