the sign said no right turn
I went the wrong way instead
I said I should have walked left
to get you out of my head
but far I walked right
so far I walked wrong
tapping my feet
to this god awful song
and stomping I stopped
& turning around
it was me who left herself
to peel what was left
right off of the ground

i have been led to believe , in my experience with being in-love,
that love is based on the knowledge gained and profound simplicity of feeling entirely connected and enamored with another person; that this feeling takes time after a period of time in which the party in question would eat together, go on hikes, dancing, movies, borrow a shirt, go to church, beach etc. whatever / estimating anywhere from one week to 5 months ... & sometimes even longer than that. (I KNOW) - those of you who believe in love at first sight ... well you're another breed... anyway... love at first sight ... like i was saying ...
I went to the store tonight.
I bought toilet paper and beer.
I stood in a very long line.
I watched a woman put back a box of ice-cream and felt proud of her; even though she didn't look happy for doing it -
she just didn't want to stand in that line and would probably get ice cream elsewhere!
On my walk back from that grocery store (about half a block from the store)
I looked up from lifting the beer
because it wasn't comfortable to hold it how i was holding it ....  
and I saw
someone walking to their car
This girl
The girl
this girl
and she smiled at me
she wore a beanie
and she was thin
and her hair was brown i think
I only saw her for 5 or 6 seconds
which at the time felt like a long time
but my short term memory isn't great sometimes
and her face is starting to fade  now
but i still see it
i see her neck
and I see her smile
it embarrassed me a little
it's funny when you grin at someone
I grin at people on the street all the time
it's quick
it's fixed
but a smile ... it has levels
this one
went from a friendly grin
to a shy
growing smile
with eyes
and shoulders
and heart
and stomach
and I didn't know about that difference
(until tonight)
but it filled me up
and i felt drunk on it
and i felt everything
and i felt all of it
in 5 seconds
and it's bugging me now
because i can't shake it
and i don't know why
i've never felt like this
not
one
bit
and i went home
and i told my best friend
and she told me to write about it
so here I am
and it's been a few hours now
and my friend is alseep
and I think she's asleep
and I should be asleep
and I think i'm over it now
or just over thinking
and over thinking
but i'm still thinking about it
and i haven't really climbed
so i'm not over anything
so i'll keep smiling instead
because it made me smile
and that felt good
and i just want to sit with that
and she gave me that
and that's all it has to be
so I believe in love at first sight
it's the best

I'm never alone
I just entered a world
where a hummingbird
twirled and danced
and formed
a swirl
that pulled my soul
into a whirlwind
a sanctuary
a forest
and i'm the only one using words here
i'm smaller than the birds
and they allow me to sit here
and watch them
not fly
but peck the ground at my feet
and for once
i'm not defeated
because what i see
is clear
and it's all I've ever needed
and i have no fear
cause the trees protect me
when I breathe
deeper
than I ever could tangled in city lights
and bars with different people
I lean with the weeds and the leaves
that leaves me feeling weightless
thousands of limbs and twigs
rocks and cliffs
with more control than we dare to give credit
but i give my life for this
i'm forever indebted

every sip
that enters
sends shivers
down my legs
and the burn
in return
goes straight to my head
I use this juice
to fuel
uses
of what
you
just
read
this ***
is a drum
that plays music
to
my chest
and turns it red
this ism in my genetics
i've learned to embrace it
this drink
makes me think
I refuse to erase it
ceremonial to me
and less like disease
cause it pleases
the need
for me
to write down
anything
like i'm awake
but i'm dreaming
see dreaming is queen
and queens are things
that mean
everything to me
so I keep drinking
and thinking
and writing it down
i'm thinking of
drinking
while writing this down

I can't be bothered anymore
I cannot stand in the sand
and think sinking is all that
I've planned for
No more doors or floors
or man made rules
to call you tools is unruly
cause tools do more than
your mind and body
could ever be good for
i'd rather fear storms more
and ignore these ****** wars
that all of you stand for
I'd rather climb trees
and believe that grass
and bees do more
for me
than any human being
ever did with their
forearms
I am not ungrateful
but I feel more truth
in a pile of dirt
and less hurt by hornets
than humans
stores
or awkward moments
have a bear take my life
rather than disease
you take so much of everyone's life
when you cut down these trees
please believe me
i'm speaking for the leaves
and if you have lungs too
you should see what I mean

I quit being okay with this
I quit feeling like I can't breathe
and hiding everything that's real to me
it's my choice right?
to throw in the towel
and just forget it
to just be me
I just want to be with me
no one sees that
cause everyone just wants
what feels good to them
and I don't want to feel good to anyone
anymore
I don't feel good anymore
I just want to be a friend
to a friend
who knows how to be a friend to me
because my heart is heavy
how could you know
when you've never held it
it's heavier than ever
and my chest wasn't built for it
and how could you know
if I don't speak of it
I never speak
and I want everything
but i can't get a thing
silently
acting like this
soon no one will want it
and who am i kidding
i'm left kissing the inside of this door
i keep *slamming

Please
stop me if I speak to much
but don't blush when I punch you
when the brink of my preach gets rough
cause what kind of lover am I
and what kind of family man
who leaves when he wants
letting go of softer hands
and with no thought out reason
cause it was christmas and I loved you
and soon it will be christmas again
without either fingers
or arms or wrists or anyone
tearing toys on the floor
I want more of this
you see
but I fight a demon inside of me
& he doesn't like to see me happy
does he