In a parallel universe, you and I are meeting for the first time, outside some hotel you’re at and I’m getting out of the vehicle, and our eyes meet for the first time, a shy smile splitting on both of our faces.
In a parallel universe, you have my face cupped in your hands, you telling me that you love me for the first time and me saying it back with so much conviction before you give me our first shared kiss.
In a parallel universe, we can’t keep our hands off one another, laughing and sharing kisses as we lay together in bed for the first time.
In a parallel universe, we both wake up after the first night spent together in each others arms, soft kisses are shared, soft whispers of how much we love each other as we’re wrapped in our own universe. Our own world. Where only you and I exist.
In a parallel universe, we spend the entire day together, your hand always finding my own to hold, you catching me staring at you for no reason but the fact that I love you so much.
In a parallel universe, you give me your heart and I give you mine.
In a parallel universe, there are no goodbyes, only good nights and good mornings.
In a parallel universe, we share a lifetime of firsts and share a life time of lasts before we both cross over to the afterlife, where we wait for one another.
In a parallel universe, we are happy and we are whole and we are us.

I don’t feel quite alright, won’t get to hold her curly fur in my arms anymore

Bury my face into her neck

I just feel disassociated with life itself right now

Which way is up? Which way is down?

Why did I try and go to someone I know isn’t around

I feel even more lonely than I did before

Perhaps it’s all my fault since I opened the door

The door to my heart, if you’re wondering what

I don’t know what the **** was that

so fragile I feel right now but I must go on, I can’t be left alone

I’ll carry my grief and learn to live with it, as I did with other things in my life.

It is hard to keep it all in when it feels like it’s constantly swirling inside of you, creating hurricane forces so strong that you feel as if the pain will tear you apart

I’m unsure of the life I’m chasing, this doesn’t feel quite like me, nothing I can think of doing in this small little town does.

I long to rest my eyes on the different cultures and people of this world.

I feel like I’m chasing dreams while I sleep, I sleep so often to escape from a life I’m tired of living.

But at the same time I am so content and comfortable, what kind of dilemma am I in?

I will never be enough will I?

I will always just be the one who was ‘just enough’ or ‘almost’

I will never be their first pick, I’ll be picked because I was the last one who was desperate enough to stay.

I will forever be just the person who has never been enough and that *****.

It makes me not want to be involved with anyone.

It makes me want to remain alone for the rest of my days.

I won’t entrap anyone in a terrible life with me.

I won’t force anyone to be with me.

I would rather spend a lifetime alone than to let someone step into this misery.

I put my feelings out there for you to know, for you to react to.

Instead all I got is the answer I needed to know, time to let you go.

This tiresome circle we keep going through, is finally going to end.

I love you, but you don’t feel the same way.

And truth is,

their effort is their answer

but another truth is,

your silence is your reply

will you be the beggar or will you get the last laugh?

I feel torn in half,

there’s two of me inside my body, both who crave two completely different things

two things I still don’t know how to mange to get

the brighter side of me, she’s a crazy outgoing woman

she wants to see every peak of this world and then to do it all again twice

she wants to dance in a club with music she has never heard of but it makes her sway her hips anyway,

she wants to constantly be on the move

she wants to find people who will love her all over the world, she wants to put her feet in every ocean

she wants a lifetime to be alone and not be lonely.

then there’s a the warmer comfortable side of me, she craves to want to wake up every morning with her husband while her children jump on the bed to get in between the both of them on Saturday mornings

She wants family camping trips and weekly dinners with the love of her life

She wants to build a steady home, grow roots, something she’s never had

she wants to learn how to make all sorts of things and cook big family dinners

she wants to go to every baseball game, every ballet recital, every competition, then to go home to her kiss her husband who makes her feel alive

she wants to be in love with love again, she wants nothing more than for someone to sweep her off her feet and make a home with her

what path do I choose?

sometimes I wish I didn’t have to talk at all,

wish they could read what I’m trying to say by looking at my tired expression

I don’t care about any of it

I don’t care who is kissing who and I don’t care about who my past lovers are seeing

sometimes I wanna scream so loud because I am so lost

I don’t know my next step, I do know what I want to do but I would have to do it alone and something is holding me back

I fell to the bottom alone
I sunk so far alone
I don’t want to be alone anymore.

I am so tired.

I am happy for those around me who continue to change and grow in their lives

I am so incredibly happy for them

But I still feel as if I am stuck, running in circles, trying to make sense of the mess in my head

I feel this aching feeling in my chest at the thought of being left behind, trying to find comfort in someone when I know in my heart, that is not what I want

I am happy and content, why should I want to have someone there?

I am happy with who I am, so why do I feel as if I’m missing out?

I no longer want to wonder what a life with you would be like, I don’t want to wonder if you would kiss me every morning or if we would grow old together

Because you’re not changing and I want nothing more than to evolve into a different person

Someone who blossoms like the flowers after an April shower

I want to realize my worth the way people do in books

I want all of my ending chapters to be meaningful and adventurous

To leave you behind and the love I thought I would die without, is something in willing to trade for a happier life

There was something she was missing, some part of the puzzle piece.

Something wasn’t right and she couldn’t figure out what it was.

All she knew is that whenever she figured it out, she knew it was going to change her life.

She just couldn’t comprehend how much

But what do you do when no where feels like home?

I could write about my New Years resolutions, how I want to live a healthier lifestyle, how I want to find something I’m passionate about, how I want to see more of the world

But I also want to find love again, within myself, within the people I am surrounded by, with someone who understands that love doesn’t conquer all and they will meet me in the middle.

Instead of writing about how heartbroken and sad I am, I want to write about how I’ve fallen in love again.

2022 will come with it’s challenges but I want the mental stability to accept those challenges.

Do you think it’s quite possible to be addicted to someone?

We talk about addictions surrounding alcohol, cigarettes and other extra curricular’s but

I could go months without a drop of alcohol but I can’t seem to go twenty four hours without a message from him

I don’t know the best course to take here, is there such thing as cold turkey from someone so addicting?

I feel the effects of the addiction to him coming on strong, I can feel in my heart that he doesn’t make me happy anymore but for some reason, I can’t let him go and it frustrates me to no end.

I can tell my heart is just not in it anymore
Overtime, I just sort of fizzled out
All the hours I spent, time, and energy
I dread having to go back there but I know for one thing, and it’s that, I do love my people I’ve met along the way
Realizing that I do not enjoy my job anymore has been eye opening and heartbreaking
I can move along the way the river intended, always drifting and always changing
However, I will miss my people when I go and it’s time for me to go soon.

This journey that him and I have been on has not been without it’s trials
It’s near misses
It’s almosts
It’s “how about another time?”

It’s been quite a journey these passed few years and I know in my heart that I’m ready for new adventures

He has to stay and go on his own
He can’t come with me this time

It took a long time for me to get to this point, this moment, this freeing moment

And I’ve come out stronger because of it

I had wanted it to be until the end of my life but only made its way to the end of this chapter of my life

I do not grieve it

I do not wish things were different anymore

A journey where we lose people is normal, I do not wish I wasn’t losing him

I wish him well and health

But I wish happiness for me along the way

It’s time to stop trying, to stop giving and receiving the same result in the end

Why can I just move on from you?

Why won’t you just let me go?

Just because he doesn’t call me names and makes me feel low about myself, doesn’t mean he’s not toxic

Just because he doesn’t make me question my confidence and self reassurance, doesn’t mean he’s not toxic

Just because I don’t lie awake crying over him, doesn’t mean he’s not toxic

Just because he’s not making me feel as if I shouldn’t love myself, doesn’t mean he’s not toxic

Sometimes I lay awake wondering if I mean anything to him at all

Sometimes I want him to message me during the day to let me know he thinks about me instead of late at night when I know he’s had a couple drinks

Sometimes I wish he would get angry with me just so I know he truly cares about me

I don’t cry myself to sleep over him, but I lose sleep over him

I don’t question whether I love myself, I question if he loves me correctly and in the way I deserve

Sometimes I wish I could let him go, just for the sake of finding someone who knows

I wanted to run to you the moment I heard the news, the moment my world seemingly fell apart, I still want to but you’re not there anymore.

You finally went away and I know you’ll be great.

Still.

I wish I could send you a text but if I delivered that message, it wouldn’t send, it would never reach you.

And I know it’s better for you.

I just wish it was that easy. But life isn’t ever that easy is it?

I can feel myself getting bad again, staying in bed constantly
Closing the curtains to leave my room almost completely dark
I feel the weight on my chest getting heavier
I stare at the messages I receive without replying
I simply don’t have the mental strength
I feel myself falling into that dark hole that I tried so hard to get out of
I need help
But I can’t see no one around
Just me, myself and I
And that’s not enough to last the night

The shrine I hold all the important people in my life is beginning to crumble, piece by piece.

All the pedestals are falling and I don’t have enough strength to catch them before they shatter:

The destruction around me is a distraction of the real pain I hold inside.

You see, as I watch my once priceless possessions begin to break and fall apart, I am the one that’s breaking and falling apart.

It’s like I am trying to seek help with duct tape over my mouth and my hands bound behind my back, chained to the floor of my inner mind.

When my shrine is in rumbles, here I’ll lay in the middle of the mess, unmoving and hopeless.

I’m always preaching that I want to change who I am,

yet,

I am unwilling to do the unnecessary steps so I remain as a self destructive person

I really do want to be better, that’s all I really want.

I listen to the same three songs on repeat on night, when I can’t sleep, when I feel sad, when I miss you.

Am I living in your dreams?

Do you feel sad over losing me?

Do you miss me?

When they all needed help, I was there, all they threw was a look and I was there.

Now when I need help, all I get is silence, it makes so upset but I don’t wanna choose violence.

Why do I always get the shorter end of the stick? They expect me to jump for them yet they won’t move for me?

I don’t even know why I bother anymore.

They ask ‘why him?’ as if I should be able to do so much better

but they don’t know that he’s just as damaged and twisted as I

I don’t want to waste the good boys time so I turn to the one who will accept the dark parts of me within every kissed shoulder and every grazed hand on my thigh

Perhaps filling the loneliness with him won’t be so bad, right?

I had to let him go so he would find true love

I had to let him go to protect him

I had to let him go so I wouldn’t waste his time

I had to let him go because I know I’m not the right one for him

Even if it pains me for a long time, I had to let him go because I love him

Why do I even try, for someone who won’t move a muscle for me.

What is there left?

I knew that I had truly loved you when I realized that settling down with you didn’t scare me.

No, the only thing that scared me was the thought of losing you forever.

But I’ve learned to face my fears time and time again and I won’t hesitate to let you go if it will help me.

I never got say thank you to you,

For giving me our son,

For giving me the true meaning of love,

The goals I’m setting for myself is within reach, they’re there and they’re achievable.

I will make it there, one day at a time

With the help of many along the way

I miss him like the moon misses the sun and I know he will still be there if I decide to go back

But I don’t want to miss him, I’m not the moon, and he’s not the sun.

I miss our conversations like an artist misses their paint brushes.

But I don’t want to miss our conversations, I’m not an artist and he’s not my paint brush.

I miss him when he was my person, but I’m not his and he can’t be mine again.

I stare at the stars and want a different life, I want a different life. and how do I learn to accept that I simply cannot?

But how do I even tell myself that I can write about that beautiful life and pretend it exists in my mind.

he comes and goes whenever he pleases and I let him,

he says all these beautiful words and then doesn’t reply for days and I let him,

he makes me feel like we really are going to be different this time and then acts as if I don’t exist and I let him,

How do I stop from him being a revolving door?

The toxic thing about me is that I search for the excitement and happiness he gave me in everyone else

And I get disappointed when I can’t find it.

I’m so indecisive until I miss my chance entirely.

I can’t make up my mind if I really want to be with someone until they’re already moving on.

I need help in healing, I need to understand, I need to take a leap of faith and just find out if something great comes of it.

I can’t keep wondering about what could happen and I can’t keep waiting around for something to happen.

I need to be in the now

And the now is where I shall be

Sometimes, I feel like I’m going to be okay. Like I’m going to be happy for the rest of my life.
I feel like everything is panning out the way it’s supposed to. I’m on the right track. I’m getting where I need to be.

Almost there. One day. Soon.

Then it’s like I get pulled underneath the tidal wave, sweeping me into the deepest spots of the darkness.

And I think, what’s the point?

I dream of going to a far away land, where no one knows me,
I can make new plans,
I can be who I want to be,
Do what I want to do,
I can feel like I can leave the troubles of my past behind me, like the ashes of a fire that burns much too brightly, as they dust away into nothing.
My mind is always going to that place, that time, that situation that makes my heart race.
A fresh start is what I desire, what I crave and what I want to chase after
The girl who stares back at me in the mirror, I don’t quite know who she is
With a tired sigh, I throw my hair up in a ponytail, grab my keys and go on with my routine, a far away land seems even further than it is, as I get in my car and drive to my daily job.

Maybe in another life time..

I watch the way he looks at her, and come to the conclusion that I want someone to look at me that way too.

I miss you already and you’ve only left my life since yesterday

I know the truth that’s deep inside of me, I know who he is, the one that haunts my dreams.

I know the man I created in my dreams is, I just didn’t want to admit it.

I just can’t admit it in the waking world because no matter what I do, nothing will ever change.

But I can’t keep it in anymore, it’s sending me in a dark world where only I exist.

It’s as if my subconscious also knows that this secret I carry all alone is for me only.

I know that much. And I wish things could be different.

I live in a world where it’s normalized when my friends and families other half to be jealous of every single person.
My younger sister can’t be trusted to be alone with me otherwise we’re automatically out drinking, I don’t even drink.
My eldest brother can’t come visit me in my new home because I have a very good female friend who lives with me, I moved in just down the road.
It felt so normal that my ex wouldn’t let me come home to see my family without him because he didn’t trust me, he thought I would go sleep with someone else.
Why isn’t there any trust in my world? I broke up with my ex over the fact he could not trust me.
And I’m afraid to enter another relationship where trust won’t be given at all.

Loving a narcissist is a mistake I will never make again.

For I now know the fine line between a good time and a good soul.

You most certainly can’t mistake the two, even though somehow I did.

Never again, will I ever let him in.

She doesn’t hurt as much anymore, two months had passed by so quickly.

She misses him but not enough to let him back into her life.

She’s happier without him.

I say I miss ***, but what I really miss is the moments leading up to ***. The slow kisses that turn into passion and lust, rubbing your hands anywhere on their body because you just need to feel closer to them, I miss the quiet moments where you’re taking off each other’s clothes and you just have to stare into their eyes for a brief moment, never wanting that moment to end.
I say I miss sec but I also mean after ***, when you’re lying there with your other half. Some parts of your body is sore and tender, you feel the release of your pent up energy leave your pores and you lay there pressed to the person, you decide that their nakedness is the warmest feeling in the world.
I say I miss *** but that would be a lie. I miss being in love the most.

I wonder if the pain would still remain if I could forget he ever existed in my life?

Would my heart still bleed if I just simply forgot about him?

Would the pain be the same but I wouldn’t know where it came from?

I remember the nights of crying myself to sleep because of him, because I had missed him greatly and because I didn’t want to let him go

but I found weakness in missing him but also found strength in letting him go

and life has been better since