"I kissed a feminist once",
he says, face flushed blotchy, something heavy resting on his shoulders
maybe
“I kissed a feminist once,”
and everybody laughs
“she was cold as ice,” he says
and he doesn’t mention how I turned
warm beneath his fingers,
heated up like embers
and reduced his bed to flame and ashes
“God was she mean,” he says
but he hasn’t forgotten the time
I told him to be kind to himself, to
purge the poison from his veins and
scrape the smoke from his lungs
“I love you I love you I love you”
I said,
“please love yourself too”
“I kissed a feminist once,”
he says, to loud guffaws,
an elbow in his side
and he doesn’t say “her lips
were the softest thing to ever brush
my collar bone”
he doesn’t say “she made playlists in my mind”
or “she covered me like a blanket”
or “her teeth on my earlobe ripped me open and scattered me across the sheets of her twin bed”
he doesn’t say “I loved that
storm of a girl,
I loved her heavy at 4am I loved
her like pennies
at the bottom of a fountain
like memorized freckles
I loved her like depth perception
like opposable thumbs
I loved her I loved her I loved her”
and instead he shrugs
that heavy thing off his shoulders
and shrugs the feel of my lips
off his chest and he says,
“she was a crazy ***** anyway”
- Lily Cigale

the tangibility of fallibility
is met between the coincidence
and insatiability of adversity,
the blissfulness of satisfaction
is met between the constant refraction
and abstraction of our instability,
distancing perceptions bound by
our misinterpreted misconceptions ,
take the contradictions of our minds
and use them as receipted expectations,
blinded by darkness for illumination
idyllically thriving on the absence of starvation
but the the realism of disdained relation put us
in a position of contempt fixation,
placement of a pedestal beneath my feet
misdirected direction towards a forked defeat,
a way to pain and a way to pleasure,
the destination of each concluded at cloudy weather,
atmospheric conditions leave injunctions towards
the ****** functions to deviate and meditate
the conflicted constant of mind and heart
and diverge from its obliged obligation from the start,
a denouncement expected right from inception
brought afloat a constant instance of introspection,
intrinsic emotions distorted at a love’s devotion
sparks a metaphysical claim towards a complex notion
of companionship and intensified intimacy;
an expectant of reciprocated sympathy
but when in reality, the thought of apathy
lies not within the partner,
but within me

It makes me ******* sick.
Hearing you ask if I am happy,
Knowing very well that I can't be happy,
Knowing very well that when I needed you most, to just say, "there,there"
You disappeared.

I haven't been truly happy in four long years. I've grown up so much but it seems I've left only a trail of n'er shed tears.
It's a cold and bitter road, here
Looking into the past and seeing yourself,
Conquered by self defeating fear, to know I had so many chances and one left or one right, and more likely than not you'd still be near.

There is no forgiveness there's just rot. We call it moving forward, it's natural they say, but for me it's not. It's grim like the reaper and it keeps me up a lot flashes of flashes, of futures unwrought.

So you come to me now wondering how I've been. And these tortures of mind begin to circle in. I'm sly and smooth at first. But so very soon I'm pushing. Pressing. Reminding you of my desperate longing for a memory of you to end my phoney lonely self. You shut down. God you were always the best at shutting down, such an adorable abnoxious little tick.. **** I still love you. **** does it make me sick.

My car broke down today.
I am depressed.

I tried to get it up the hill, but it could not make it.
I am depressed.

I could not sell anything at work today.
I am depressed.

I am on the pursuit of happiness.
And I am depressed.

I am torn between two paths.
And I am depressed.

I'm listening to those same sad songs.
And I am so depressed.

I feel like vomiting and ******* and crying.
Oh yes, I am depressed.

I couldn't find what it was to be happy.
I have been so depressed.

I'm writing this with my eyes closed now.
It makes me a little less depressed.

I could only find a void.
I stayed quite depressed.

When I laughed it even reached my eyes for a while,
but underneath, unbeknownst even to me I remained
very depressed.

I thought I could determine my own emotions,
What a fool I've been, depressed.

Tryed to find my self worth hidden somewhere,
There are no values when you are depressed.

I'm remembering different me's,
but I don't know anything, depressed.

Where will I go from here,
I don't care, just let me be, depressed.

Oh I may never change,
I may always be,
depressed.

Just to hear your breath,
Even though I am literally deaf,
Oh the twinkle in your mischievous eyes,
The realization that in another world, another life,
Your mine...

It's too much,
My once great mind is,
made low, by the self-same beats of
my heart.
My love I've let you go,
Oh and I cried, that day I died,
Take me back there, let me take you back,
I want that John back,
That's reluctantly in your arms.

I am without you.
Who knew death could feel so good,
Another lonely ******,
Le petit mort,
And oh I only want more,
I find myself addicted to your absence,
Coursing through my sickened blood,
Hungry, ravenous, Like the Raven,
Nevermore,
Darling, love, dearest,
I'm listening to breakup songs,
And it's how many years since,
It's not an obsession,
Because I constantly forget,
but when I wake and take my shower,
Its your body my mind connects with,
I'm nothing, humanity, life,
there is no meaning
a void an absence,
That's why we all seek connection,
Hey if you'll understand me,
Maybe I AM something,
No, just a dream,
Fleeting among the sea,
Washed away till you are alone at shore,
Beached, frostbitten, with a lost stare,
Looking at the sky,
Dreaming up a heaven,
And that you will
take me there.
Not anymore.

I loved it when the Snowflakes fell
On the fourth of July.
They tittered there, in my eyes,
Captivating you as you stood idly by.

It made you think of yesteryears,
So cold in the snow, the forest here,
But as it quietly fell all round' you did not fear,
it was the chill that made you feel warm, alive, real.

Your blank spheres connected with mine, across time
and through space you could see the patterns,
they too made you feel alive, a blink of life,
A maze of God made man to get lost in,
and, alas, you felt, a tingle, a spark,
a fire in your heart,
A tickle on your cheek,
A nerve run down your spine,
It was inebriating, illuminating,
without form or word, just a feeling,
And the smile never reached my lips but
You could feel the darkness my little snowflakes,
Reminisced.

I saw you on the screen
But when I looked into your eyes
I realized, we are all just mirrors
And that the Destiny lies in the
In between.

You can cover yourself in makeup,
As I cover myself in my lies,
But lady, lovely, I would die,
If it would only mean,
You would wake up,
Bare for only mine eyes to see,
Your naked soul there,
Next to me. Warming.

The sun does rise, I promise you,
Sweetly, and those hard times,
You find yourself upon emptily,
Wisdom is not gained happily, no,
The pain you know seem all consuming,
But release onto me your sorrows and trials,
And I will consummate your trust verily.

And In that darkness where you find yourself
alone and cold among strangers just know
Any one of us could be someone you love
if only you gave life a chance then, surely,
You'll find some light to guide you home
And you just might find me waiting for you there,
You, my perfect Destiny.