If only it was real
if only it was true
Made to feel its me
but most is probably you.
If only I was wrong
if only this was right
if only we belonged
Where we pictured in our minds
If only you would answer
if only you would show
While this grows like cancer
Killing in its throes

If life’s minutes
were kept in a vault
I would transfer each of mine
to you.
So that you had time
for a cure to be found

With a Jewish religion and a German Queen,
Who has a clue where the Brits have been?
Mum’s clan were Huguenots,
Dad’s maybe Welsh.
Lots of Africans in our football teams.

Keep out those immigrants many do say,
Even those whose parents came from Bombay.
We’ve lots of patriots from Pakistan:
The younger generation, Brits to a man.

But some are Radicals I hear you say,
We should be sending them on their way,
Back to Asia where they belong,
To the tunes of a UKIP song.

So what is “British” we must ask,
For this is not an easy task.
Justice and Democracy I hear you shout,
Tiny islands with some clout.

Shakespeare, Beatles, Rugby Lions,
Churchill clapping foes in irons.
Let’s be glad that we are free
And settle down to a cuppa tea.
Paul Butters

Brian, you’re so boring.

So you keep telling me.

Why can’t you be more spontaneous.

Did I or did I not bring you in a daffodil.

You brought in a dandelion.

Think of it as a gesture.

That’s what I mean, it's a token, now Mary's boyfriend robbed a bank to buy her a ring.

That's the guy who’s doing ten years.

That's besides the point.

So you want me to rob a bank for you.

No, I want you to be more like Tasman's boyfriend, he went on top of a moving truck with a banner saying, I love you Tasman. So romantic.

That was the guy who died when the truck went under a low bridge.

That’s not the point.

And another thing, at the funeral, why were your friends calling me Brent.

I was trying to make you sound sophisticated.

Oh you did that alright, Brian Crude became Brent Crude, your idiot friends thought it was hilarious.

Well, how the hell was I to know it was an oil company.

He thought to himself, you want something romantic, I’ll ****** well give you something romantic.

Why did you give me a giant Teddy bear? This is what I mean! Jist think for two seconds, will you.

Two days later

Erm. What's this?

If I didn't know better, I'd think that it's a letter.

Ha-ha. It's addressed to the teddy bear: "Only for teddy".

Well then you should give it to teddy.

Don't be silly, a stuffed animal can't read. And it's your hand writing.

Well I'm sorry but it's between me and Teddy.

#later that night while he was out, she just couldn't help herself.

"Dear Teddy,

I hope you're well. I'm sending you this letter because as we discussed earlier, I won't be home tonight. I wanted to make sure you'd take good care of my girl. Just remember, she likes:

- warm cuddles
- chocolate
- chick flicks
- long conversations
- kissed on the forehead
- roses

I knew you wouldn't be able to pick up some of the above so DHL is delivering the chocs, Eat Pray Love the movie and roses tonight. Be sure to be home at 8 pm.

I expect you to take your responsibilities seriously. One wrong cuddle can make her over think all night. I better not find her over thinking. You know how special she is to me.

Best regards,

Brent"

A Paul Gaffney& Lily Nurmi production.