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Jenny Mar 2018
nostalgia
as soft sun filters through palm leaves
and the clouds purple, the skies painted pastel pinks
surfboards stand seven feet tall
the salt water glowing, sparkling
a dark watercolor blue hue
i am reminded of the spring and summertime
of happier days
as I drive by the sea that glints waves to me
Hawaii's beaches
Jenny Mar 2018
a city in the sunset

when your back caught the rays of the sun,
through slanted windows, as stripes run down your back
and when you put your arm behind my passenger seat
looking at me, losing yourself in my shy eyes
when you told me you just wanted fun
putting a lock of my hair that escaped from behind my ears back gently
when you would stand there and watch me slowly walk up to you
and embrace me with a hug and a kiss on top my forehead

i knew then i wanted you.

i wanted to take your hand
to comb your hair back with my fingers
to watch you get frustrated with the small things and laugh about it later
for you to surprise me with hugs from the back

that smile, that shirt
that look, the way my heart flutters in the chest
as you look back and grin when you see me standing there
as you sit there, leaning back, in that school desk
eyes burning holes in me

I knew then that you too, wanted me
I knew you wanted to feel our skin against each other’s
your lower lip between my lips
me on your lap, my hands tangled in your hair


and the first time you took me to your house
your dog barking, as you danced with me in front of the mirror
and as we collapsed together in laughter
and you held me there on your bed, not saying anything because there was nothing that needed to be said

i watch you watch me
I can still hear our breathing, and see you smiling
and its suddenly quiet
as the door opens and your arms suddenly unwrap around me

I knew this would happen
the only thing that could be heard was
“please, i can explain myself”
but i don’t want to hear your explanations

i just wanted to be your only
but i didn’t get to be that
perhaps it wasn’t meant to be
but i refused to let a tear drop

if you had another,
why did it feel so real?
why did my heart ache, even after knowing
you played my heart strings like a well tuned guitar?

and at that point, all i could see is our first date
a hill we had to hike up to get to the top
and me asking “are we there yet” constantly
but you never got annoyed, you just laughed and said “almost”

and then you took off the blindfold
to reveal the view of our city in the sunset
rose gold accented the buildings,
standing tall in rows next to each other

i couldn’t breathe, and you couldn’t stop smiling
and we sat there, on an old tablecloth, silent,
enjoying the company of each other
until it got too late to be out

and all I can think now is how similar we were to that sunset,
beautiful and breath taking
the glory of pinks and purples,
but it was only a matter of time before the dark of night would consume us
Jenny Mar 2018
from my spot in the sky

i’ve never seen snowflakes before
the first time i opened up my airplane window
i was intrigued by the tiny dots and lines
and below, the long houses looked like toothpicks!
the buildings look like ants from my spot in the sky
roads carved into the mountain ridges
so this is where our founding fathers came
the land of amber waves of grain
from my spot in the sky
the mountain ridges look like black sand dunes, something one would expect to see in the Sahara
wisps of cloud lounge, hovering above the land so big my eyes do not see the end
the land looks like a map, so many places and such busy twisting roads
people live in those houses!
outside this plane is below freezing!
they say everything is bigger in America,
which is evident in the size of this place
the river that looks like a blue and white snake
and the long metal houses that stretch like my 9th grade yoga instructor
I forget how plane rides are,
hovering above a new place
or a familiar one
seeing through the eyes of God
where everything is small,
problems and people alike
from my spot in the sky
I don't need to say anything
I don't need to do anything
I can just watch the world enlarge
or shrink
and feel a distance from all the wrongs of the world
Jenny Mar 2018
there is nothing more beautiful than nature herself
her wind ripples through the trees, rustling them quietly
she dances with the leaves and her shadow is long on the dirt road
one is never truly alone when in her company
she does not talk loudly but instead she sings from the beaks of birds
and communicates through the whispering of the wind
she is the mother of all
and she can be cold, yes
but never gone
she can lure waves to break for her
and she can erode civilizations in decades
she holds me in her palms
and keeps me warm
for the time being
Jenny Mar 2018
don’t question it

the sky is blanketed in gray
its days like these that i feel the emptiness
the black hole that has made its home in the pit of my stomach
I can feel it physically
like something is missing where my large intestines used to be
or maybe i feel it in my heart
my pulse is fast, but I feel slow
My friends tell me that I think too much
I’m too sensitive
i work too hard
are they right?
does it matter?
and now I’m questioning everything
what is beyond our life?
what is beyond my knowledge?
am I educated?
and does the limit exist?
and why does it ******* matter
why does a letter
on my report card
mean so much to me?
I find myself obsessed with percentages
A minus versus A
why does it matter?
why am i frustrated over homework
and as i stand in the shower
letting the water hit my back
I feel so…
blank.
so i pass my time with homework
with vine compilations on youtube
but i still feel the darkness
the emptiness
in the back of my head
as i lay on my side staring at the wall
blank
the voices in my head
is too loud
but I’m the only one who can hear it
“will you ever be good enough?”
“what is good enough?”
“what does your future hold?”
looking into my future is like looking over the ledge of a cliff
a plummet into darkness
just like the space in my head
so i don’t think
i don’t think other than the math equations
or the final projects
or the translation exercises
as long as the music in my ears are louder than the voices
i can convince myself this is what will fill the emptiness
at least I won’t have questions to ask
Jenny Mar 2018
star gazing

have you ever seen the stars in the night sky?
not the duly pulsing stars
but the stars that take your breath away
as you crane your neck back, trying to take it all in

see the sky like a curtain
with holes poked through the thick cloth
the sky itself dark like pen ink
and the stars that shine like flashlights at dusk

I just stand there, in awe of everything
and I can feel how vast the sky is
how cold the air I breathe in is
how the wind whips around my body

as I become the art I'm starring at
that God himself painted on a milky black canvas
hair in my slightly parted lips,
still standing there, watching the world spin ever so slowly

as I stand outside my tent
all I can hear is the rush of the waves
hitting the soft sand
and the trees whispering forgotten love songs

goosebumps cover my arms
a smile appears on my lips
and my glasses show eyes that shine as bright as the stars
maybe thats why its called star gazing

as we admire the stars, the stars admire us
campsite observations
Jenny Mar 2018
your mom’s Honda

my thighs stick to one another
as you stick to me
the AC in your car imitates the moans we make
the windows that look like we just got out of a shower

it’s already hot enough in the backseat of your mom’s Honda
as we hold each other
my forehead against your chest
as the heat makes us lazy with lust

your chest expands and deflates
and i can hear your heartbeat slow to a normal rate
but after I’m sure you’re asleep
i gently get out of your arms, untangling myself

I want to be more than just your late night call
or your fuckbuddy
just another one of your girls you take into your mom’s Honda
and treat her like a queen the night of, and trash the next morning

this woman doesn’t want to sleep on uncomfortable and chunky seats
this woman deserves a man, not a boy
this woman deserves someone who treats her right
this woman wants someone who is not afraid to be loyal

and since you can’t provide that,
this woman is leaving
locking the door behind me
and opening the side of your mom’s Honda

the oil filler cap clicks between my fingers
and as i throw the cap behind me
my other hand flicking open a lighter, I ignite it with my anger
and I watch the skeleton of your car blaze with the sparks we felt

and that was the end of you and your mom’s Honda
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