This one is going to be random
I'm alone and cold
Stuck in my own thoughts
Some are good and most are bad
The good ones are of all the moments I've smiled of laughed
However, the bad ones are miserable
And there are a variety of them
That oft-repeat themselves

I watch the trees and listen to the music and the voices of my family
But I'm really not doing any of this
I'm only there physically not mentally
See, I told you this would be random
But as I wrote all of this I was in a car

Most of the time I fall asleep to escape the overly obsessive thinking
Don't ask my why I do any of this cause honestly I don't know
I do the same thing while walking
Its the only time that I have to think without people bugging me and asking why I'm so quiet

I really can be a quiet person but people think that I'm depressed if I'm extremely quiet

Alone With My Thoughts

They think I get caught up
With all the wrong people
But in all reality
I'm hanging out with all the people I know best
I learnt from the best
I'm following in the footsteps of my family at last

I no longer cry for him, but I'll always die for him. He meant that much to me, he was my world. I still feel the sting of the pain from his words and actions. Those, I fear, will never disappear. I'm not 'in love' with him anymore, but I will always love him. He'll hold a special place in my heart forever. I don't long for him at night time anymore, and he's not constantly on my mind anymore either, is this a good thing? I got a chance to see him and hang out with him, and it wasn't awkward, and I didn't feel the overwhelming urge of just wanting to hold him like he was mine to hold. I honestly didn't feel anything, but pain, hurt, and a hint of disgust. Is that bad? He's not mine, and I don't want him to be mine. But, why do I keep the drawings of him, or the Christmas card he gave me, or the pictures of him. All they do is bring back memories, and reminds me of how much his words, "I love you, Jenny... Now and Always" were all a lie, and they remind  me of how much I was so deeply in love with someone whose love for me vanished for whatever reason. All they do, is remind me of all the pain he caused me, and all the unseen tears I shed over him. I should get rid of them, to end all the pain they remind me of right?

"I love you with all my heart and soul"
I hope you know that when I say that, I'm not lying
And I'm not saying it out of loneliness like most people do
But I truly mean it
Everybody can see my love for you
Just by looking into my eyes
Just by the way I look at you
Just by the way I talk about you
Can you see it like they do?

I'm done, I can't stand life anymore... I can't sit around watching my life fly away, and there being nothing I can do to fix it, because I've already thrown the rope too far way for me to grab it again. School has no value to me anymore. I don't want to be in this town I'm supposed to call "home"... I don't want to be anywhere. If you things I've written before were bad, here's the worst thing, I have and I am contemplating suicide... There I've finally admitted it to the world... Now you can go and tell everyone how sick and ****** in the head I am...

My pastor asked me what my relationship with God was.
I didn't know.
Shouldn't I know and shouldnt I have a relationship with our Lord?
He isn't a liar or a legend.
He is my Lord. My saviour I look to when I have nothing else. HE IS MY LORD

I say I'm going to "****" him
But really I'm just going to make his life HELL
I'll do anything necessary...

Bully him
Torture him
Report him
Beat him
Or ruin his life starting with what he loves

Anything to make him feel the pain I know well
Even though what he did wasn't to me

But you mess with my family you'll meet your destiny
And that'll be an evil thing,
           ME

I don't know how to sing my abc's backwards
I don't know how to do a cart wheel
I don't know how to write with all correct grammar
I don't know how to sew or knit
I don't know how to speak fluent French even though I kind of should seems how I've been taking it for 3-4 years
I don't know...

I don't know who anyone in my family is anymore
I don't know why my father left us,
Or why he didnt fight for us
I don't know if he thought he wasn't responsible for us or if he didn't love us anymore
I don't know why I hate to love him but I know I love to hate him
I don't know

I don't know how love happens
I don't know why love happens
I don't know why relationships don't always work, but god dont I wish they would
I don't know

I do know that I can sing my abc's frontwards,
And honestly that's all that matters
I do know that I try to write with correct grammar
I do know how to crochet
I do know

I do know that my mother never gave up on us
I do know that my mother loves us more than anything in her world
I do know that I love my mother and I don't love to hate her
I do know

I do know that love, real love, finds people not the other way around
I do know that love is a powerful, happy, and peaceful emotion
I do know that love may not always work but when it does good
I do know that people try to make love work to the best of their ability
I do know

Everything's getting all fuzzy,
It's like I'm in fast forward.
I have no music playing,
Yet I hear music playing in my head.
It's insane,
Wait or is me who's going insane?

He broke me and I didn't know why.
He dumped me because we never saw each other.
I gave him everything and in return he shattered me.

Over thinking, has always been my strongest suit
******* up is close behind
I'm about to give up and say ***** it
People stab me in the back like I'm blind

Everybody I love or have ever loved hates me
And I don't even know what I did
Finding out you hate me, and wondering how can that be
So when love came around, I hid

I don't try to be distant
I just don't want to be hurt by loving
Honestly, you can't be consistent
And I should have seen it coming

Now look where we are
Not talking to each other
Is you heart as black as tar
Cause now you're with another

I told him he wasn't my father
and that he couldn't ever be him.

He said he knew he couldn't replace him
But that he is more of a father
Than Kurt (my real father) would ever be.

I never apologized to him, my dream father
He told me I hurt his feelings
And that he wasn't mad just upset.

He is my father, my dream father,
And I realize it now more than anything.

Being punctured by him physically
Was just the beginning of my misery.

I tell my mother that he almost did
But in reality it really happened, and I was just a kid. (7 years old)

If people knew the truth about it
They'd feel sorry for me and say it wasn't my fault.

When it first happened nobody believed
However, telling my mother 3 years ago and her believing made me relieved.

Even my sister and close cousins thought I was lying
So I grew tired and gave up trying.

If you look hard enough you'll find
He really did puncture my body and mind.

Everything was great once
I felt complete with you
I could rely on you for anything
I could talk to you about it all
You were the one…
I thought you would be different
I thought you’d never leave

You were no different
You left just like everybody else did

I had a future with you,
While you have a future with her
You were my everything
MY LIFE

I should get rid of your pictures
Get rid of all our messages
Get rid of your number
I should get over you

But I can’t…

You are everywhere I go
You’re in my dreams
You’re in my thoughts
You’re still singing that song to me
You’re still talking to me


I shouldn’t want you to be in my life
I shouldn’t want to talk to you
I shouldn’t miss you
I shouldn’t love you

BUT I DO!!

At my school, there is a lot of people. I am a Freshmen, and our graduating class alone, is more than 400 students. That is the largest amount of Freshmen in this school, EVER. Now just imagine, there is still Sophmores, Juniors, and Seniors. When you are walking between classes, and there is some random girls or boys, just STANDING in the hallway talking, or hugging, or whatever the heck they decide to do, you get angry. Especially if this is happening every single day. On more than one occasion, I have been hit with a bag, tripped, pushed, stepped on, yelled at, and I have gotten evil eyes, the weird thing is, I don't even know who they were.  I have yelled at some people to move, because they were standing in the door, talking to each other. There was like 4-5 people. Imagine a normal door, with 4-5 people just gathered there. There was no other door, and there was no hope of them moving, without being told to.

People can be complete idiots. I remember one kid in my science class asking if we were made out of dirt, he obviously wasn't paying attention, because we had just gone over the fact that we are made of atoms.

Remember those kids that just get on your nerves? The ones that "pay attention", but really don't, and you know they don't, because right as soon as the teacher is done explaining something they ask, "wait, where did you get that...?" Of course you probably do, there is at least one in every class. Well I have one, actually more than one, but this particular one, is annoying and can be very rude. Mrs. Not-So-Know-It-All, decides one day, in science class, to shove me, talk to me like she is the queen of this school, and she even stole my pencil, TWICE. I mean, I know it's just a pencil, but she didn't need to steal it, she could have asked to either borrow it, or asked for one. Especially, because I had given some to the teacher, that very same day... ***, Mrs. Not-So-Know-It-All?!?

Romeo and Juliet teaches a different aspect of young love. Young love is every where, in every direction. It is in the halls, at stores, and even the streets, when I am in the car driving by. I never really notice other peoples relationships, and how much I wish I could have what they have, until I am no longer in a relationship, like I have been for almost three months. After dating a guy named Patrick for five months and going 2-3 months without seeing each other physically, he decided it would be best to end things and still be friends. I can kind of relate to Romeo and Juliet, to a certain extent, with things like not wanting to be away from him for a certain extent of time. Knowing that sometimes words can not say everything we wanted to say. I know that cheesy moments, when I know almost exactly what he was thinking, when I was hugging him and looking into his eyes, or when my heart started to beat faster and louder, and started to flutter, when he said the three words, that every girl deserves to hear, “I love you”. The the cheesiest moment of all, when my lip quivered every time he grabbed ahold of me. When my friends asked what Patrick looked like, and I showed them, they all basically thought he was not attractive. But, when I looked at him, his personality, is all I saw. We may may not have know each other for long before we started dating, but like Romeo and Juliet, I would have taken a bullet or ran away, just to be with him, and he knew that.

It's the way I look at you
The way you smile and your dimples form
The way your eyes look so genuine when you look at me
The energy you bring around

It's the way you make me feel
When I hug you I never want to let go
I get a warm and fuzzy feeling when I hug you
You're everything to me
I couldn't cope without you

You're my best friend
You know what I've been through
You know how bad I get
And how low I think of myself

But you stick around
You hold me down when I want so badly to fly high in the sky
You listen when nodody else does
You care when nobody gives a crap
I wish so badly that I could just reach over and move that random strand of hair from your face

I wish I could just watch you listen to music and zone out all day
I wish I could just kiss you and tell you everything will be okay
I wish I could lay in bed and hold you until you stop crying
I wish I could be the one to make you happy
But then it would be awkward

I wish I could tell you everything
I wish I had the nerves to tell you...

I have a secret crush.... On you

Road of Life
Slippery from the ice that lay’s under the thin sheet of snow. I can hear the distant sounds of animals that I can’t even imagine naming. This road is long and narrow, it even has it’s occasional twists and turns. There seems to be houses that look vacant, however, they only appear every two to three hundred feet. Those two to three hundred feet feel like miles. I feel as though I have been stuck on this same road for years instead of hours, or has it been minutes, I guess I will never know. I saw one other person walking on this same road, he passed me on the opposite side of the street. But, when I turned around to get another glance he was gone.

2. Key of Knowledge
I continue to walk down this road and stumble upon a key. Who just leaves a key sitting in the middle of the road? Especially this road when it seems nobody even lives in these houses, not to mention that I haven’t seen a car pass me once. The key seems to have a name on it “ Dorothy.” The name is engraved in it. The key is what looks to be a bronze color with an almost puzzle piece like end to it. I wonder what it goes to maybe a diary or a hope chest. Either way I don’t think I really want to know that badly. I put in pocket anyway and continue on down the road.

3. Cup of Emotions
I get maybe a couple hundred feet from where I found the key, and then out of the corner of my eye I spot a cup. I go over and look at it even though I don’t really know why, I mean it’s a cup. Maybe it’s because of this road snapping at my senses. Anyway, I look at it and it seems to be a class cup that looks like it has been hit with rain a lot because of it’s yellowish,with a pale tan tint to it. It’s not broken so I pick it up and break so that way I can use it as a weapon or a tool if I need to protect myself or find food if I am on this road any longer. I say this as my stomach growls so loud it echoes off of the tree’s.

4. Tree of Relationships
In the faint distant I can see a broken down tree. It doesn’t look to be too big, however, as I am getting closer it seems to be getting bigger. Even though it isn’t big enough that I couldn’t lift it up and move it so that it’s not in my way and any car that decides to drive on this road, not that there will be. So I pick up the farthest end that is in the road and I drag it back towards the side of the road, this thing is heavier that it looks. I end up having to use my feet to kick the tree over a bump in the road, I should have worn better sneakers instead of my converses. I eventually get it to go over the bump, after numerous attempts, then finally the job is done and the tree is out of mine, and whoever decides to drive down the roads, way.

5. Wall of Death
First there was a tree in my way and now there is a wall. I can’t even find the top of it, or the ending to it. The reason I can’t see it is because I don’t think it’s even a normal wall. It seems to be made out of glass or plastic, I can see through but there is no way of getting on the other side of it. I am so frustrated at this stupid road and all of the things I have found, heard, and seen that I need to take my anger out on something. I punch the wall as hard as I can, and it shatters. A couple of pieces fell out of it, but instead of seeing a way through it I found a backing to it. This was no ordinary road, this was no ordinary wall, obviously. Then it hits me, this wall was a mirror. Instead of seeing through it I was looking at what I have already accomplished walking down this road. However, now I am stuck with nothing left to do but go back the way I came.

I want someone who really loves me, sees what a mess I can get, how hard I am to handle, but still wants to be in my life… someone who calls me beautiful, instead of hot. Someone who calls me back when I hang up on him, who will stay awake just to watch me sleep. Someone who kisses my forehead, who wants to show me off to the world. Someone who holds my hand in front of his friends. Someone who thinks I’m just as pretty without make up on. Someone who is constantly reminding me of how much he cares about me, and how lucky he is to have me.
I want someone who looks at me, like I am the ONLY one in the room. Someone who walks around to hold my hand. Who could get me to take risks because I can trust him. Who’d back me in a corner, JUST to kiss me, REALLY kiss me, and move the hair out of my eyes, because it is at that certain length now. Someone whose smile would make my breath catch and my heart skip a beat. Someone who’d lie in the grass with me. Who’d be My Superman, because he knows that I need one, but won’t admit it. Who’d put up with all my craziness, because it makes him smile, and who’d act just as crazy to make me laugh…
I want someone who can wrestle me, and let me win. Who I can talk to about ANYTHING! Someone who says “I love you”, and means it, and just to prove it, he grabs my face, looks into my eyes and whispers “I love you, beautiful!” Someone who realizes I say things, but don’t always mean them. Someone who can tell me his problems and let me help. Someone who will kiss me and tell me I am beautiful. Someone who will simply be mine to hold, for however long I want to hold him…!
I’m amazed when I look at you. Not just because of your looks, but because of the fact that EVERYTHING I’ve ever wanted is right in front of me. I don’t care if we talk about absolutely nothing, I just want to talk to you. It’s not what I feel for you; It’s what I DON’T feel for anybody BUT you…!
Am I crazy for falling in love with you? Probably, but you’re everything to, you’re perfect for me. But the best part is… YOU LOVE ME TOO!
Like if you have loved or love someone right now....

When I was in 7th grade
I began to notice that a lot of people cut themselves
Me being the type of person
who just wants to fit in
Started "being depressed"
I got mad at my mom one day
and thought people cut when they're ****** or sad
So I found a pen and started rubbing hard
Man did it burn like hell
I did it though that's not something I'm proud of
I hid it from my mom until later that night
She was arguing with me and said something
Amongst the lines of you won't hurt yourself
So I showed her the pen burn
She called her friend Zach and told him everything
He told me that if he found out I did
Something like that again he would stop talking to me

We're waiting on her, again
She's at work doing paperwork
The same cycle as last week

She's there until 6 o'clock p.m.
he gets ****** and so doesn't my sister
She gets ****** cause they are ******

He asks a simple question like where to now?
And she freaks saying I've been working for 18 hours

Here I am thinking that most of the time its her fault
W
Except its not, apparently, because there is always something she HAS TO DO

Everybody takes a break from taking
And everyone finally calms down and laughs
Except for me

   This is the same MISERABLE CYCLE

He was weird to me at first. I thought he was an immature kid. Then I saw him a couple other times and he was sweet and made me laugh. Then I started to notice him more and more. I noticed when he was and wasn’t at youth group. One time we were waiting to go into the youth group room and I was across from him and he was staring at me with his beautiful baby blue eyes. We made eye contact a lot throughout the entire time. Then he didn’t go for a couple weeks, but he showed up with two black eyes, he told us how he’d been jumped and it was by then that I noticed I liked him. On our ride home, there was just me, him, and a couple other people left to be dropped off, and I started talking to him and I gave him my email, and he gave me his number. I was so excited I literally ran upstairs when I got home and told my mom about it. Then I created a facebook and added him, then on my sisters 18th birthday, I told him I had a crush on him and we’d been talking all day and I went over to a friends house and we talked all night too. We got together that night. The day I went home from my friends house, we stopped at Save-A-Lot and he was there with his mom and dad. The moment I saw him my heart stopped and my whole body got warm. I ran back into the store after we’d put the groceries in the car, and I talked to him and told him that my mom didn’t know I had a boyfriend, and that I loved him and gave him a hug and ran back out to the car.
Maybe like a week or so later, I went to the library and he was there with his sister. I hadn’t met any of his family at the time, so I had no idea that it was his sister. She’d been jumped by some girls, so we stayed there, she talked to me and asked who I was so I said “I’m Jennifer, Lj’s…” and he said “Girlfriend!” His sister was shocked, and somehow she was like kiss her… it was so cute all he did was say “Hey look at me.” So I did and he kissed me. We walked her home and I got to meet his mom and dad. At first it seemed like they didn’t like me, but eventually I grew on them. I started going over like everyday after school, and we’d usually just hang out at his house. His dad started calling me Goodyear, his sister became my sister, and his mom started treating me like I was her kid too. Him and I grew closer, we broke up over something stupid then got back together. May 18th, 2014 was a special day for me, and it was with him… We were together for the rest of May and part of June then we broke up, but we acted like we were together even though we weren’t. It was a brutal process of getting over him. I wouldn’t eat, drink, I wouldn’t talk to anyone, I’d barely leave my room. I cried myself to sleep every night even the night I slept over at his moms house. I messed up and went over to his moms house with him and his dad started giving me **** so I ran out crying. He chased after me with his dad right behind him and he calmed me down. I went to  his grams house, where his parents were staying, after I’d taken off, and his dad walked over to my house and told my mom I was at their house, and his dad got my meds for me. Then later that night he walked me home while his parents stayed home, and I told him how I felt about him. I told him how he means the world to me and that I’ve never been able to love anyone else. Then my mom told him to back off and he did. He acted like he hated me for almost an entire year. It was brutal for me, and now almost an entire year later, we’re back to the same ****, then feelings I forced myself to bottle up are back, and there’s no way I can bury these feelings again. It’s not the same thing as it was with Everett and me taking him back every time. I haven’t been able to love the same since He broke my heart. And nobody wants to see me that way again. He doesn’t even know the half of it. Every time I even think about him I smile, cry a little, and I get butterflies in my stomach, and my heart starts racing and my mind goes into flashbacks that I can’t control. I see him the way I use to, the way I forced myself not to see him. I see him again, and he’s all I want to see. I’d literally **** for him and his family. He was my world and always has been, nothing has changed towards him except the feelings getting stronger. I just forced the feelings to be bottled up, but only so it didn’t hurt anymore. He hated me or so I thought, and all I wanted was him and everything we used to be. And I want it even more now.

It's 3-19-15
3 years ago today, you took your own life
You told everyone that you'd give up your kids, over your dead body
Nobody thought you meant it literally
But you did
The day we buried you was the day you had to sign custody of your kids
Over to the State...
With no chance of getting them back
I miss you
I cry for you
I mourn your death
You meant the world to me
You were my uncle
My best friend

Today, 3-19-15, I can't have you
Oh, how much I wish you were here
I write letters to you
And always end them in
I will see you soon

R.I.P Dicky Adkins 3/19/12

What would you do if you knew the person responsible for a ****?
If this person was going to your school?
Was in your grade?
What would you do if the victim of this vicious crime was....
                        YOUR SISTER?
WHAT WOULD YOU DO??

Noah: (My Ex)
"Jennifer for the 800th time I am GAY I have a boyfriend I am not into you, yeah I may feel bad for leaving but that wasn't my choice you really need to get that through your head. I understand we had love, but I need to love this other person that is in my life! OK we are happy, and I cant change that because he is the only thing that keeps me balanced, and I know it is hard and you may not understand, but a lot has happened in my life and I cannot help the way I feel, and you shouldn't try to push someone into something they don't want to do. I was yours but I cant be anymore, I live far away, and you live away from me, we just weren't meant to be any more. I am sorry for the hurt feelings, but my parents don't want me contacting anyone from my past life, because I had a bad past and they are doing me a **** favor by doing this because every time I think of the past I break down the wall that I just built up, and it is not only against you it is everyone that in that picture and I don't blame them. I need a break to breathe have this last year to be a kid, so I will see in the future, but I need my space and I think that you need yours."

Jennifer: (Me)
Noah it was a poem from hellopoetry.com I liked it and I thought you would too sorry that you didn't. It wasn't meant for my feelings towards you. Have a great life with your boyfriend I am happy for you. So yeah GOOD-BYE I guess.