Tonight I lie awake,
My brain is feeding my latest mistakes.
I can't help but wonder why I wasn't enough,
I gave every ounce of myself and I tried to be tough.
I thought if I could just make you see the things I loved about myself that you would love them too.
You said you would,
that you did but you painted my most beautiful pieces blue.
You painted them an ugly shade,
You made them dark but still started to complain when they began to fade.
If you didn't want me I would've preferred that you didn't play pretend with me.
I'm not a young child and I was never very good at the game either, see.
Its incomprehensible as to why you felt the need to destroy me, to take me down along with everything in your path.
I stood there with open arms, with warm inviting touches, with passion for your mind and you met such things with wrath.
Any time, you could have walked away.
You could've spared me however you chose to stay.
So as dearly as you were held in my heart I'm rebuilding my self now that you've burned me to ashes.
So as dearly as you were held in my heart its just a matter of time before the salt dries to my lashes.
I was enough,
I was enough even you were not.
I was tough,
This is where a toxic love like ours should rot.

In the back of my brain,
maybe one day in the back of yours.
I hope one day you realize when you've become tame,
that it is impolite to cut someone's heart and leave open sores.

Today is the day I pick up the pieces.
In the following hours I will begin to unfold myself from the crumpled mess of paper you left me.
I will find beauty in the creases.
I will no longer carve into my legs the way your memory is carved into my delusional brain.
I will no longer reminisce on something that never really was,
I will focus on the parts where you left my mind in disarray.
I know in my lean heart that this is not something you do to the ones you love,
You do not bring insanity to the ones that try to save you,
You do not intoxicate them, cover with their unscathed skin, and leave their bones buried in mud.
You do not burn your rescuer.

You wreak of lighter fluid,
and in my sickened mind I concluded once more that food was poison.
My thoughts were a terrible escape to where there was only the stench of raw sewage.
I couldn't get past the smell,
I thought I'd never be able to swallow again for I was so nauseated.
My teeth were turning yellow, my throat was on fire, and in my ears the constant ringing of a bell.
I turned to a sack of weak calcium sticks waiting for an answer to why you robbed me,
I blamed myself for so long because I thought I caused a misunderstanding.
No I was blind but now I see.

I will love myself in all the places our friendship forgot,
I'll love myself better than you claimed too in ways you didn't know how to.
I will never stop.
I will say only kind things to my body and I will only see the beautiful things in my mind.
I will treat myself well and a different outcome I am destined to find.
I deserve real.

All I craved was reciprocation,
Some type of love with illustration.
You were like ******* for the quite mind, stimulation.
You were like tar for my already degraded lungs,
Suffocation.
You were at one time an idea, a simple innovation.
Suddenly you were the only thing keeping my heart from freezing, you were my insulation.

Its a raw sort of emotion to be so mentally exhausted that you start become physically fatigued,
To give up on yourself on account of the fact that you are a burden to even the ones who swore they believed.
You are a burden to yourself,
A nuisance to every one else.
Who wants to deal with someone that lacks the capacity to cope,
What do you do now that everyone has left and you're at the end of your ropes?

I pray one day that I remember who I used to be,
Before you embedded yourself in my blood and stole my sanity away from me.
I hope some night I will easily fall into slumber,
And I hope that when I do that I do not still wake to thoughts that sound like thunder.
I crave for the moment I can stand my own
reflection,
When my goals and dreams return to me and I have some sort of direction.
I will be here waiting for the day I save myself with some sort of solution,
Until then I'll hold myself in search for this chapters conclusion.

I'm a cigarette.

Your a chain smoker.

I had my five minutes of fun.

Light me up, smoke me, put me out.

I've seen the world, I've seen the lost souls.

I've tasted life and death and breathed with you on your death bed.

We're trying to get high, not die.

We've been lost for years now traveling on a broken beaten down path.

We didn't want to be another statistic that your learn about in school. 

We just wanted to be free, we just wanted to breathe and feel nothing rather than everything or something rather than nothing.

We wanted to move forward with out our hearts falling to our toes.

We didn't know, we were not aware of how very wrong we were.

Or maybe we weren't wrong, maybe we were completely right and approaching the situation so completely wrong.

We didn't ask for these decisions.

We wanted to accomplish and do and be.

Someone tell us it's not too late,

Someone show us the ******* escape.

I can't do this on my own, I can't do it without her. 

If only we could breathe with out the ******* drugs. 

We didn't want to be south side hood rats we didn't want to be thugs. 

We didn't play the game the game ******* played us.

This life has stolen everything

 from us. 

We can't even be chemically healthy enough to produce what we've been chasing.

Happiness.

Happiness.

What the hell is happiness anyways, what's the definition.

Our disposition is that we're addicts.

We aren't even chasing happiness anymore.

It started that way and now..

Now we're hallow and we can't function with out the ****.

When I first met her she was beautiful and blonde and soft and fresh faced.

Now her roots are out grown, her lips are cracked, and she wears dark circles with her dark eye shadow.

She's cracking.

I'm cracking.

We're ******* cracking.

I was in love with her, I cheated on her with **** so many times.

She wanted to feel it too.

Now here we are, sitting in the hospital room and the nurse is telling us about rehab facilities. 

Just tell us that it's not too ******* late,

That fate is real and this isn't ours.

Their telling us we can't leave together because recovery is selfish and love isn't a cause enough as a matter of fact it's quite the contrary.

Love will **** recovery.

Can recovery **** love.

Will it.

Will you be on the other side waiting after eight months.

Are you gonna make it.

I need to know that your gonna make it.

I can't do this with out her.

Tell us it's not too late.

Spoil me with affection,
Tell me about your most vivid dreams.
Your love is like infection,
I don't want to heal please take hold of me.
The butterflies that used to lie in my abdomen,
They turned into sharp tiny kicks.
I can't say that if I chose I'd do it again,
But imagining it any other way makes me sick.

" I should go now quietly,
for my bones have found a place to lie down and sleep.
Where all my layers can become reeds,
All my my limbs can become trees,
All my children can become me, oh what I mess I'll leave. "

You're touches were like a thousand pins and needles.
They were hard and forceful,
when I reminisce the skin in certain spots still tingles.
Burned into the back of my head is the way I knew your eyes like the back of my hands.
Intoxication saw those blue lights shone differently that night with irreciprocatable demands.
One year later and the word friend still sounds so foreign to me,
One year later and the spiders that hold my cells together remind when its time to flee.
I can almost still taste the Jaeger on your hot tongue,
Nightmares of just your face keep me conscious until my windows find the sun.
It doesn't seem fair that I have to pick up pieces to a mess I didn't create.
But when I do I use the pieces of a borrowed backbone that my love lent me to keep us safe.

Outside clouds of smoke escape from his perfectly chapped lips,
regret sits with the cigarette **** he holds too tightly in his finger tips.
Screaming and justifications make the last page write longer,
Just a few more paragraphs even if they are purely somber.

Just stay right here with me and live in the entire complication of us,
My tears have left his once crimson heart tainted with rust.
I didn't mean to stain you with the black secrets that fill the smallest cracks in my lungs,
I didn't mean to say I hate you when I only loved you but sometimes my heart speaks in tongues.

Steal my breath please suffocate me,
                     Can you please,
  or am I
too demanding?

I'm sincerely sorry lovely,
                      I'm close to terrified,
Though we're almost over with each inhale my love for you is only expanding.

Just stay please dear god I'll be the warm air and you be the cold,
They will talk of how we were the perfect disaster and I'll form to your mold.

A natural disaster that took out every shutter and nail in its path,
No one saw it coming but they'll all see our rath.

This is the end and I just want to drown my whole soul in it,
I crave your kisses all night and so patiently during all hours I sit.

I am indefensibly in love with you its true,
But i didn't mind I swear it was an honor to be hurt by you.

Remember to keep walking, one foot in front of the other swiftly before they know you've left.
When you speak do not mouth the secretive mouthful, vain.
When you speak do not taste the vinegar coated words of your mother's pain.
Do not verbalize the syllable stitching your every idea together, you must maintain your body a simple shadow.
The temptation of your very own purple glossed nail,
The black sludge that lay inside your chest prohibited from moving but still steadily enveloping each cracking,decrepit bone and useless muscle given the smallest second guess.        
Dead on arrival you were but out with a bang; your throat holds one, two, three, four, five, six, seven blue finger prints that scream second best.
The unpardonable, aforementioned
Black sludge begging to leak out of all orifice's including your chapped lips -
Inevitably- will.
Cotton Candy sugar coated words and polite smiles beg not to be but are a continuous parade of premeditated happiness in a room that is filled.
When you speak dehumanize the thought process or you will surely stumble over misspoken words the way you tumble over the top step in a drunken stupor every Tuesday morning.
Determine through a handful of restless eyes the other flight risks competing with the sheep of the room who's uniform reply to your greeting may always be, "I've been alright."
Do not let on of the train derailing the tracks of the already unstable minds,
Do not let on of the shark toothed thoughts that bounce from cell to cell until complete consumption of the brain because you will then surely be left behind.