In a world of extremeties,
I seem to be stuck in the middle.
I do not comprehend,
The yin or the yang,
When the heart, is left oblivious.
Moderation, has been an adventure,
Success, a distant season,
Excellence, an unattainable past,
Worthiness, lost in a crowd.
A mundane existence seems just that,
The paltry accounts even more so,
The spirit seems lost, trampled,
With the seemingly pointless strive, thrive?
Maybe Adam and Eve stole,
All the debuting thunder,
While Jane and Joe were left wondering,
If their existence was only to glorify,
The extremities and burden themselves,
With the painstaking eternal return.

He touches
My hair
All the time,
Plays with the
Edges and
Fragments,
And sometimes reminds me that
"I can braid,
You know."
Sometimes he does.

Sometimes he mimics me
In History class
From across the room,
And he laughs at all my jokes,
Even when they aren't funny,
Just
Stupid.

And occasionally,
When I'm sitting in my little niche
Between his desk
And Ellie's,
Right on the cold tile,
He'll attach his forehead to mine
And just look at me.
Sometimes he'll whisper,
"Nose,"
And point to it,
And I just giggle
And break the stare.

I don't even think he feels it,
The wishing to always be near him,
To have his fingers in my hair
All the time,
And for his laugh to be
My soundtrack.

I don't think
That when he stares into my eyes
He wants to kiss me
As bad
As I want
To kiss
Him.

Nothing's more lonely than 2 AM in my bed.
Nothing's more crazy than the dreams in my head.
Nothing's more lethal than the words that I say.
Nothing's more saddening than the songs that I play.

Everything's perfect cause you think that I'm fine.
Everything's joyful because I got the chance to shine.
Everything's ruined because I burned it all to flames.
Everything's history when I forget all their names.

Something has to give, whether it's my heart or my soul.
Something has to be accomplished, for that is your goal.
Something has to be presented, for all the world to see.
Something that you forgot, that demons roam in me.

Finally I've figured out just what is really best.
Finally I've decided to give up all the rest.
Finally I'll just drown my sorrow in a cold one tonight.
Finally I'll just live with it cause it'll be alright.

When I was little I was scared of things like sleeping in a room without my sister and the dark.
And I once choked on a cookie while crying,
And my babysitter used to let me off of my groundings if I promised not to tell.
And my aunt used to put m&ms; at the bottom of my bowl of popcorn, and everytime I was surprised.

When I was little I loved Hilary Duff and Mary-Kate & Ashley
I owned all the movies and cds.
I wanted to be pretty and skinny and blonde.
I practiced my signature to look like Hilary's
And tried to smile like Ashley.
I named my dolls Mary-Kate.
I wanted to be them.

When I was little I saw ghosts.
I would sit on the steps and talk to them,
Discussing movies and my favorite tv shows and how badly I wanted an msn account.
And they followed me and taunted me but mostly they were nice so they were my friends.

Now Im a big girl and Im still scared of things like
Sleeping in a room without my sister and the dark
And I don't eat while I cry anymore, because I once choked on a cookie and my mom ignored me.
And I don't have a babysitter anymore, but I never leave my room anyways.
And my aunt doesn't surprise me anymore.

I'm a big girl now,
And I know that Mary-Kate was a drug addict,
And that Hilary had an eating disorder
And that I look bad blonde
And that Im neither pretty or skinny
And that my smile will never look like Ashleys.
I know that I have an awful signature.
And that all those girls were sick.
But now I'm sick
Does this mean Im finally like them?

I'm a big girl now,
And instead of Disney stars, I idolize girls on tumblr
With thigh gaps and long hair
And ribs that stick out
I want so badly to be them.

Im a big girl.
I still see ghosts, but they aren't friendly anymore.
They pull my hair and dig at my skin and whisper nasty things to me.
We talk about death and blood and how good it must feel to be so skinny
That you can lie on your back and count your ribs
One
By
One.
They aren't nice anymore, but they're still my friends.

I'm a big girl now.

I thought you liked me
As a friend
And nothing more
Which killed me.

But I liked you
As so much more.
As more than a friend.
As that guy
Who would tie my shoes
And open my doors
And kiss my forehead.

As that guy who
Texts first in the morning
And last at night.

I loved you.

And now I know,
You will open my doors
And tie my shoes
And kiss my forehead.

And text me all day,
Not just in the morning
Or night.

Because you don't like me as a friend.
You like me as so much more.

And that gives me life.

I met him in October,
The month he was born.
I met him in October,
And it was cloudy and chilly
And I hated him.
Not because he wasn't funny,
Or nice.
But because there was something inside me telling me to stay away.
Run away.
I guess, at some point I lost myself in the vast sea that I thought was his love.
And I let myself drown without realizing it.
I made myself into puzzle pieces that were his smile
And the way his hand was twice the size of mine.
He took all of my insecurities and made them into his own.
He hollowed out my bones and fit himself inside.
Fighting was our favorite past time
It was loud and uncomfortable and mean and wrong.
I left him in December,
Two long years later.
The month that I saved myself.
When I came up for air I didn't recognize myself
And I tried to put myself back together
But the pieces didn't fit anymore because
His smile was gone
And so were his hands.
So I floated for a while
In sadness
Silence.
I lost myself when I lost him and I didn't know if I ever even knew myself.
So I'm still floating, trying to put myself back together.
I've healed all the wounds he left me.
I've filled my bones with music and words and books that I love.
I'm not lost in the vast sea that I know wasn't love.
I'm just lost in me.

What can be done to consume this feeling of emptiness
What can we done when we're broken into a million pieces
And how do we fix the broken pieces together
How do we learn to love again

What do we believe in .. when there's nothing left to believe in
What do we hope for when all dreams are blurred
How can we heal and forget the wounds when they plague our minds
How do we become blind to the scars that are left behind
What becomes inspiration when the faith fades

Are happy endings hopeful in nothing but chaos
How can we keep hoping when reality promises noone a happy ending
How can an immaculate being hurt you so profoundly
And how can you still be able to love him

When will the light outshine all the darkness
And when will the swift wind destroy all this confusion
When will stars align
And When will the moon shine at it's greatest intensity

How do we escape misery's stifling grip
And how can a fear so consuming be diminished
Can this sinking feeling be controlled
Why do we become so numb
How do we leave when we're being pulled by the forces of profound emotions
And the longing of a fragile heart

**But why .. do we all strive to be loved when love becomes so detrimental..