I remember that first day I saw him, noticed him
I was young, we were both young
Are young
His eyes glimmered with sadness and mystery and I knew
I wanted to know that boy
Afraid and uncertain I forgot, but then he came back
Older, still mysterious and more attractive that ever
How could I forget
That face the smile that told me he was uncertain too, and that was okay
Everything would be okay
I fell in love harder than a rock hits the ground from a thousand feet above
That's where I was one thousand feet in the air, I was flying like I've never flown before
That trust, that unconditional love scared me to death
And again I tried to forget
Pushing him away and wanting so bad for him to hold on
He was hurt, I was hurt
We had destroyed each other I thought it was the end
I was wrong
There he was again those eyes, sad mysterious eyes
And then came the smile telling me it would all be okay
He saved me, I saved him
I always will and I know, so will he

I remember when the days felt golden because I, felt emotion. Hotter than lava burning brighter than gold I was alive. I remember days twisted into nights well the days feel more like the nights now my daze complicates my thoughts. My thoughts complicate my emotions I feel like when I go on that viking dragon pirate ship ride you know the one. The one that flies high, makes your stomach twist into knots makes you want to throw up. Pure ecstasy when you fall down I am falling down. Down deeper than I ever meant to go sometimes I feel like I need to go need to find where I started and climb back up.

   I remember when you looked at me and it looked like maybe I was able to save you. Now I need to be saved and I feel like I’m being left alone, to my demons they don’t take a day off. Thoughts don’t take a day off. Memories, like itching in my brain they don’t take a day off. Itching in my brain it’s like my own cruel version of PTSD, made up by scars on my mind I swear baby I’ll get better I just need to take some time. It feels like I’m gambling and trust me I’m not a gambling man I don’t know the difference between black jack and poker so imagine my cards on the table I’m being forced a hand I don’t want. I never asked for any of this I never meant to be the cause of your sadness I just wanted what was best for you.

   I know it’s not the logical solution, so imagine this: It’s like my brain is attacking itself, it’s the big bang imploding, exploding I am a supernova. A nuclear reactor going in the red zone, a plate of eggs being cooked on the pan. Suicide never seemed like such a good choice but you know that’s where mental illness comes to play, where my demons aren’t demons I know they aren’t it feels like it though so where do I go from here? Where do I go on this stepping stone path? I want to get better for you I don’t want you to leave or be burdened by my pain I am stuck, I am scared. I need to know things will be okay that maybe you still want to fight for us but I can’t trust the doctors, I can’t trust the mental ward. It’s in my veins this mistrust maybe a therapist would work and I’m two sided on the pills.

   And so I think how to get out of the hole I’ve dug and dug but no answers were ever found. I feel misplaced or misused or overused or something I Can’t. Quite. Grasp.

   I think of the days that were golden. When you looked at me with such happiness and it’s still there but it’s my own fault if that disappears. It’s always going to be my fault. So please, don’t be surprised when one day I am gone. If that day ever comes at least understand I went down fighting. My thoughts in the form of some devilish creature, I grasped it’s neck and it grasped mine. But it’s grip was tighter. At least know that I love you.

I love you more than music
And that's saying a lot considering music literally controls my life
Every breath, every step is to a beat
But now the only beat I listen to is your heart
When I'm pressed to your chest
Late nights I spent where the only soundtrack was our breathing

You see you've become my music

Band-aids to prevent the social infections that could eventually
spread to the frontal lobe,
Diseases started on Fox News, spread to the living room,
circulate around the family dinner table
putting victims of ignorance on the coroner’s slab
Alleviate the pain.
Should we let the gapping wounds of intolerance fester, decay and grow maggots?
***** bigotry, vile illiteracy, primitive ideas coat the skins of society like a black goo.

Band-aids: self adhesive bandages
We aren’t teachers. We are medics.
covering the gapping wounds of life
lathering the lesions with Neosporin.
Healing the scars from parenting gone wrong
- scars from wounded self-esteems
-lacerations to the proverbial heart

Scars lasting longer than the body itself.  
No one knows where its impact will end.

Band-aids
temporary fix
heal the wound fast, heal the hurt faster
A Johnson and Johnson remedy for damaged organisms
Well-meaning ones hurling scriptures scald hands with tainted words
Healing is a matter of time.

Arm teachers to protect children from the crazies who loom?
What will protect them from their own inherited ignorance?
The damage is already done when they get here.
Equip us with Band-Aids, boxes and boxes.

Hello Kitty over their ears to block the infection from coming in
Spiderman for their mouths. Stop the seepage of any contamination from spreading to others.

The remaining scars will fade, but not disappear.
even with a band-aid.

There is too much noise
People shouting, car horns blaring, music blasting your ears, like it's the only thing that can save you from yourself.
if it could just get a little louder.
the voices in my head that won't shut up, telling me that I'm not good enough.

It's too loud.

We cling to our smartphones, our ipods and laptops
like they're the only things that can keep us alive,
but we forget the reasons we can live.

We drive past forests, oceans and rivers, never stopping to listen.
we don't know there's anything to listen to.

Waterfalls, wind in the trees whispering like the ghosts of years passed
birds singing, calling out to us to stop and listen,
pay attention to the world around us.

We can't hear the songs the birds are singing , the secrets the trees are whispering and we'll never hear the wolves in the night
It get's drowned out
*There is too much noise

I've been and am occasionally lost
in a river of self deceit
death accompanying the flow.
my self-blindness and Ignorance leave real life far behind
that which I knew gone, in the blink of an eye.

Who i am, was and meant to be
all washed away from beneath me
in a land suddenly swept clean
Those things I've hidden are finally seen.

We walk and run and hide
oblivious to the truth we've locked inside
until it smacks us on our face
puts us soundly in our place
and then we look & see
our own self created grief & misery!

Will we be aware of that before us
or choose with eyes closed,
to continue the walk in the darkness?

Today's been bad
           The worst in awhile
                 And it's days like these
                        That I wish I could just
                                  End it.
-e.w