I've been hanging off
A ledge, a cliff
And if the aching hole
Beneath my dangling feet
Is waiting to devour me
Toes first then

Why do my fingers curl
Around slippery words,
Promises that are only
Tangible in dreams where
I don't wake up falling into
An abyss, or screaming at the
Rain, or curled up into a ball
Beneath a tattered bridge?

Tattered like every word
I wrenched out of my
Throat, my lungs, my heart
To hand to you


After all,
What's a little vertigo?

Why is it then when I try to write a happy poems
the words they don't flow as well.
My mind over the influence of pain
keeps me under to drown again.
Until I'm close to destruction of self.
Then It lifts me above water for a breath.
Only to sink me under again.
Giving me just enough air to breath.

It's okay, I forgive you. My heart will heal in time. I'll say, "I'll forget you; I'll be alright." And only time will tell, if I can forgive myself. And only time will tell, if I can forget myself. If we live and let live, none of these words'll pass my lips.
Only time will tell.

Suddenly I don't feel quite myself; I'm feeling down. I need some help, please don't let me drown. But I'm thirsty enough to drink this whole sea. I might just to see what would happen to me. I'm beyond it, but won't say I'm past it. So when I die, do not cry, strike up a match and light up my casket.
Watch it burn.

It's okay, I forgive you. My heart will heal in time. I'll say, "I'll forget you; I'll be alright." And only time will tell, if I can forgive myself. And only time will tell, if I can forget myself. If we live and let live, none of these words'll pass my lips.
Only time will tell.

I will not accept what I do not deserve. I wish to meet you in heaven, but my seat in hell is reserved. So I'll ride this train past my death. You bought my ticket, and eventually you'll bare the consequence. I'm beyond it, but I won't say I'm past it. So when I die, do not cry, strike up a match and light up my casket.
Watch it burn
Now I'm gone

It's okay, I forgive you. My heart will heal in time. I'll say, "I'll forget you; I'll be alright." And only time will tell, if I can forgive myself. And only time will tell, if I can forget myself. If we live and let live, none of these words'll pass my lips.
Only time will tell.

you used to tell me that death was nothing to fear
but that's not true
and it's not actual death that I'm afraid of  though
it's what happens afterwards

where will I go?
what will happen to my spirit?
will there be a heaven waiting for me?
or am I destine to sit in eternal darkness?

I like to imagine that we all become stars
shining down on the earth
and guiding our loved ones through the forest
looking down on everyone and smiling because you know they admire you

I also think a lot about what will happen to me physically
I mean, I know that I will decompose
but what will happen after that?

I like to believe that flowers will sprout from my remains
covering the ground in beauty and joy
people will look at my garden and know I was loved

some might not be as lucky though
weeds might grow from them
they're poison will cover the ground and create landfills
they're toxins will spread into the hearts of everyone that sees their grave

it doesn't matter what happens once your dead though
what matters is what happens when your alive
and maybe that's what I'm most terrified of
that what I do while I'm living won't get me stars or flowers

maybe I'll leave scars and be destine to have a poisoned grave
the few who come to my funeral will spit to the ground
hoping that my soul will still be there to feel it
hoping that I live in eternal darkness

so the next time you tell me that death in nothing to fear
I will simply laugh
and reply with 4 words
"you're right, life is"

I was different from the other girls
he told me
"classically weird"
But he lied

They say the sun is the only star in our solar system.

They've obviously never met you.

The day you left I curled my hands into fists, unravelling them into fingers that just barely hanged on. As if on hinges they swung and transformed into claws that I used to pull out my heart.

   Still pulsating in my hands I watched the pain leak out slowly, like water seeping into the ground. I watched my hurt and my greed fight for the light of living while I glanced out at you walking away. I don't know why but I'm sure you had your reasons. And that's fine. Everyone needs an escape plan, but I wish that plan included me.

   I wish you were closer I wish so many more were closer. So many faces I call family are farther away than I ever wanted. They live their lives without me so where's the ******* point? Where's my happy ending if the only ending is me being stranded in the dust?

   I'm selfish for wanting you. Not in a way that a man desires a woman, in a way that the loneliest person desires a friend. If I could I'd do anything in my power to keep you in my life. Cause when I love something I love it harder than I should. Lovers, friends, it's the same for both. I'm equally heartbroken and wish to have their names carved into my skin. I know best when I say that scars are there forever so if I could I'd have your name cut into me.

   The pain would hurt the same but it wouldn't be so bad if it meant I could keep a piece of you. I'd give up all I had if it meant for once I'd keep a friend.

Time Machine

  Sweet sunshine spreads across your bed as you breath, breathe scented with Playdoh and black raspberries from the front yard. I watch your chest rise, fall, rise, fall.
“There’s my boy. Time to get up. Rise and Shine.”
That grin, before you even open your big blue eyes, those windows to your soul, those orbs that reflect my own face back to me.
the softness of your young skin, freckled from long summer days.
Here we are content in this solitary moment.
I have a desire to dive head first into a black hole to stop time.
Growing up means girlfriends, heartache, peer pressure...*** ( frankly I am not ready to have that conversation)
Growing up means getting closer to the time when you won’t really need me anymore. It means understanding that the world  out there has teeth...
Then you will get your driver’s license, freewill.
I want to dive head first into that black hole to stop time so maybe we can hold onto this moment forever.

At bedtime last night you confessed you are scared of the those dark pockets in your room.
“What are YOU afraid of, Mom?”
I think I said fire, spiders. it was a lie.
I couldn’t bare to tell you about the funeral today.  You would ask the question that doesn’t have an answer:  Why was he driving so fast, Mom? And I would have to admit that I don’t have the answers this time.
Telling you would be like telling the moth about the flame, crushing your own dreams before you could even imagine them. I can’t tell you what it was like to watch his friends huddled in a circle, holding each other up to keep from throwing themselves into the grave beside him.
Past the circle, stood the body of his mother. Only her body. Her mind wasn’t there, It couldn’t have been. Because I am a mom. I have you, my boy and I know.I know that ****** created a vacuum for her hopelessness. Otherwise she would be ripping out her hair, screaming, clawing, jumping in the casket with the body, trying to forget that his lifeless image is now scorched into her brain for eternity.
That brain works like a time machine, gears turning, visiting the day at the ocean when he flew his first kite, seeing him in the photo next to his first bike, his first missing tooth, his first school dance, his first crush, his first basketball game,  his first car...   Memories upon memories turning brown like old photographs.  Her time machine now searches for the memory of his last dinner at home, his last words on the phone, his last basketball game, his last breath....
My boy, I hope I never need that time machine. But that black hole will not keep you here with me in this moment, young and innocent. That biggest fear you asked about last night.... is losing you forever, my boy.
Stay alive. Erase all other words of wisdom ever parted from my lips. I don’t really care if you use the word “ain’t”. I will cover my ears. Leave your jammies on the floor, forget to wash your face, leave your bike in the rain, play baseball instead of walking the dog, lie about finishing that essay, come home past curfew because it took awhile to gather the courage to kiss her. I won’t be mad. You will be in this world and I can look into your bright eyes again tomorrow...without that **** time machine.

everything wakes up
the brain
the dreams
where we're seeing our parallel self

that moment
of impending doom
that just happens
when your soul talks to you