These feelings in my head were so exciting
The sparkles on her cheek were so shiny
And everything was right
And **** I'm whining.

I knew I would catch her shying
But God I wanted to keep trying

To feel my heart pump- no lying
Was nostalgic and brightening

And I want to make her smile and laugh
And pay for her vegan sandwiches
And stare into campfires with her
Drinking stolen *****.

Deconstruct the patriarchy and stand together at protests and fight corporations from the inside.

And now I want to cry.

She controls my brain
I control my brain
She controls my brain.
I fixate.

Shells I see in all of you
Shells on the outside too,
Flesh prison I've heard it called
I'm sure to you this isn't new,

The image of us is too simple,
These cages trap our earthly being
Much like the fence around a temple
There's sometimes more than what you're seeing.

But I don't see much anymore,
Not inside or out.
My *** drive is long past dead,
And much of my hope has gone south

I don't think that we are more
Than what we appear to be,
The furthest edges of our actions
Are an embodiment of our personality,

People are and always have been
Little more than animals,
We have a human drive in us
But we don't know how to handle it,

We **** and hate and **** and steal
And do all that we can,
It is within the bounds of life
To take everything in hand.

I'm sick and tired of trying.
I fought so hard for you.
This country, our world,
My brothers and sisters
I abandon the whole lot of you.

I'm leaving, mentally,
Emotionally,
And soon, physically.
You are not worth my time.

I will visit the lands of old
and make clear the separated line.
"I'm here, not there, don't beg for me
You wasted your only chance.
Everything you know and love
Will succumb to ignorance's dance."

Things around here are not better,
Nor will they ever be.
Goodbye, I'm gone, I've done my time
Try not to miss me when I leave.

Sometimes I get stopped by trains,
It gives me time to reflect,
Am I better there or am I better here
And where can I be my best?

There's a world waiting behind these roads,
A world I may never see,
If I stay here in this town of crossing
How could I know what I could be?

The ocean stands beyond the tracks,
And my happiness is with it,
I'm one step closer to the sands
And buying myself a ticket,

But I know I won't be happy there.
I won't be happy anywhere.
Its not a place or a point or even a person,
My happiness escapes my fate
And over time it worsens.

Over time my happiness becomes my
Sorrow and then my death.
So this town of crossing may see the passing
Of one more soul named Marshall.
Because I was always my best.

To Tyler,

My bestest friend of all these years of developing youth and developing adult,
I will you my rifle. Produced under scrutiny, post-war, blued by Chinese furnaces and inspected by communist advisers. I assign this to you my friend in hope that you will recognize more in this object than its role in my suicide. Guns are not the enemy, only the tool. The tool of my execution carried out by the enemy, Our world. And Our society. And Our suffering.

This rifle, my prize. Is accurate. And powerful. And a threat to 5 lives at a time. A symbol of my free will, dissolved into the blood stains and skull fragments laced on its finely carved wooden stock.

In my life, I had loaned to you this talisman of my depression,
But now, in the wake of my death, you will see the weight of my previous actions. My prolonging of life and effort to resolve the suffering and dread I endure.

Tyler. *******. T-Swens. Sweeny Todd. Squidward. Twizzler. Squib.
Many names you have been known by myself and our peers, but erasing human choice and force, you have been known to me and my soul as a Savior of myself for far too long. You have been Beacon for my hope, Home to my catharsis, Shelter to my heart and Medic to my wounds. I love you as most one person can love another without supporting the same roof with the pillars of our spines. I love you as a brother and friend and father and son and twin soul and caring teacher and patient keeper. We are two peas as they say. We finish each other's thoughts. We read the same material and play the same games and breathe the same circles and eat the same vocabulary and sneeze the same curses.

Like two strings of ivy, supporting one another as they grow and twirl. We fight each other in attempts to suffocate our foefriend, at the same time as relying on our friendfoe for the support to grow higher and steal more light. I love you my ivy brother. And I apologize for everything.

Please do not take my death too hard. Mourn and grieve and move on. I was not a cinder block for your foundation. I was a twin building. Of sister architecture and of sister glasswork. We stood for not one score before my sore soul was stole by this full world. You will stand further. And I admire you for it, as much as I pity you for having to endure this slow acid rain and littering of broken cans and smoke rings.

Rest in peace for me, because there is no rest in death, you know this.

- Marshall. Jackledead. Pompous and loud ******* and drama queen. Forever friend.

Do you pretend that pain does not exist,
That my presence is irrelevant?
Maybe it is not pretend for you.

I'm here looking up at your shadow as
You walk over me and walk alone
In San Diego. The city of my youth my home
Away from home.

You are, that city, my heart away from my heart.
Beating and ebbing as the waves on the sand,
The arteries ache and stretch with the breath of my distaste,

I feel something with you gone.

And with you here. But that's not now because you're there,
Healing and skating and smoking with strangers
And taking pictures to remember being 19
in the tunnels
like the veins heading away from me.

19 lines to describe what eye feel when you ignore
Something you said was unique.

******* Anne. I ache.