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77 · Aug 2021
Untitled
Jack R Fehlmann Aug 2021
As my venturing continues,
Yet once more unto to the depths.
My senses mean nothing,
All I feel is not physical, it is not.
Though I feel my heart crushing
The broken parts collapsing in.
I remind myself  this
Hurt has happened before
I did not die, I will not this time.
As I feel wetness roll
loose of my unfocused eyes.
Let them, it is my salve
My acceptance made real
They represent the new memories
I know I'll never get, and am only letting go.
I will be fine, as the world now lost and
All around is dark to and loneliness
Calls to have it's audience for
77 · Jun 2021
In my mind
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2021
The way my eyes and mind seemingly pursuit vastly different avenues at one time is nearly as amazing as the realized notion that I am still hung up on you.  While at work, relaxing and other activities you seem to come into and gather the part of my mind that can see with out eyes, outside of time. There we are and I remember.  But the memory of touch, of kisses, cuddling, love and... Those sensations I can only watch as they happened.  I do not relive or feel them.  Even where you remain mine.  It is not the same.  And I wonder what your kisses felt like when you pressed those perfect lips to mine.  I know I enjoyed it.  I miss it.
77 · Mar 2021
Then We Didn't
Jack R Fehlmann Mar 2021
I set the beat
of this heart by your eyes in the morning light.
I dug so very deep.
Around all these reasons
why I was so all alone.
I did my best to be the only right in a world so wrong.
I confessed and was splayed in truth before you.
I fought off my old habits
as soon as they crept into the light.
I did this for you, us, all it was
and wasn't
I  felt I knew how to be great
Gave  so what I believed  would be
whole hearted.
I loved, still love and terribly miss
the you shaped piece of my insides
Missing and wishing
Wondering if you are.
If you saw
the future I thought would be the present.
We were great,
and I believed we could make it
Then we didn't.
76 · Jun 2021
No More
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2021
Speak if this no more
Spring still shines outside
Invitingly pleasant
Pretend this was nothing
You never saw or wanting
I will not betray our
Song birds call from beyond
Taste of whatever this now
Never was lays lightly upon
Lips that forget so as to never slip
Things that never happened
No more guilt to be hoarded
As consciousness wants this truth
Our secrets consume
76 · Apr 2021
"Endure"
Jack R Fehlmann Apr 2021
A hundred words
simply cannot.

Not nearly enough.

My love,
It is yours alone.

Unlike anything,
every waking thought.

Yours,
and filled with so much.

This connection ,
affectionately beats in time.

Mine in my breast answers
as if called upon.

Never changes.

As I sit and write
or read sad words so perfect

As to fit, or mirror like reflect
every written poem

Unanswered
as if unread, unheard

You may never
Know in fact how lost I've become

How complete
Desperately in love

One alone must
such as I do even after

Must...
Endure
75 · Oct 2020
Untitled
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2020
I would
If only I with emotion
Could write

Such connection
Inside I
Allow for moments

Of memory
Honest retrospective
Causes and effects

To the world
The countless unknown
Others to confess

I am
I have been
Done against
Victim of

Life is lessons
Each their own
To share mine
Is to question

Am I alone
As I feel such
Distance
74 · Aug 2021
Time
Jack R Fehlmann Aug 2021
I am but a blink
this is all to be
Time is no father.
And the effect
of time, is inwardly amazing
but our shells cannot remain
Time kills us.
74 · Aug 2021
Then
Jack R Fehlmann Aug 2021
And?.. what of Me?
Then,.. when They,
All go on their own
Journeys, and I?
Terrifying, sobering these
Late thoughts now haunting.
Striking a dread within deeply.
What will I be? Who.. Then?
All I know of who I am
Is through who I've been...
To Them.  
What then?
Where will "home" then be?
Unprepared, this in the now life
I've chosen and so completely been
Taken in.  
My own journey never a thought
Never steering, questions never known
What will be next for Me?
How will life be like?.. Then?
It comes, and I know not.
What of Me?


Then?
74 · Jun 2021
As I...
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2021
This began as so many have
Before, when I lived out loud
Never fumbling from a lack of
Owning only the possible
Too willing to do or say the hurtful words
As now we stride no shared mile
As many this too has ended
Damaged collateral exceedingly one sided.
And life, goes on, choices find you.
Then and now are tools used and I lose
This mind puzzled and cycles to return to
Nothing, no other shares the hollow person I've made of myself as I love nothing as I loved you.
74 · Dec 2020
Melancholy Me
Jack R Fehlmann Dec 2020
Melancholy Me,
even when in treatment.
Hit like do the waves against the cliffs face.  
Almost myself,
the inkling concept whispering
Almost.  Almost.
self inflicted, taste familiar

My own sick habit, or need unwanted
why I force myself,
to the place,
below, inside to the embrace
weak, true to my form

Knowing only this way.
that facet, the path that
leads me, calls me irresistably
Pulling to melancholy

Down, deep, worn
to my misery never earned
in the torment undeserved.  

Why?
When almost. Almost.
normal and Me.
Trying
Trying.
74 · Aug 2021
One is done
Jack R Fehlmann Aug 2021
In the grip of this
Two minds, each
Lost
Blind to the needs
Of each other's
Wants
Circles, repetitive
Scene seen countless
It seems
Hopeless and broke
When did we
This isn't fair
To hurt and need
To plead
Neither heard
Listening only if
Our answers are spoke
There comes a point
Love,
Each needs to
Do what needs
But don't want
So one does.
Culminating love
Done.
74 · Aug 2021
Less
Jack R Fehlmann Aug 2021
They...
The Closest, dearest
My whole life
Each deserves happiness
As each has, at last
Leaving one, alas
Less hopeful, as I expect
One with less to attract
Foolish and not capable
The only one to deserve
Less...
74 · Jun 2020
The Breeze
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2020
A gift of Calm
foretelling storms
Turn gray bright horizons
inward melancholy wants
I see truth
Feel Sorrow unforgettable

Happiness the breeze
like the trees
I vainly want
Reaching
and swaying
Never holding onto

It is all around me
the wind plays
free and happy
always moving
Never still
never my own
73 · Aug 2020
Lip muck
Jack R Fehlmann Aug 2020
The pins held in magnetic lines
Pinwheel and meet at the poles
Everyone who ever cared was somebody then like the magic wand
Waves once then is gone
73 · Mar 2021
So Blank
Jack R Fehlmann Mar 2021
It is the face; So Blank
Absent and bleached ; So much so
prestinely, divided, neat.

I could use such order
As my pen howls

Her name; Ruin
rolls against this...
innocent page.

All its way; not mine. Hers
Just to remind or,
admit, I am in pain.
73 · Nov 2020
Another Thought
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2020
I should not keep this

The manner of seeking then.

To be and do, to see no other

A thought worth meditation

I held the steps and acts likewise

In no portion to these reasons

Yet repetition , cadence, my prison

Another thought of you.

Again and again, my prison
73 · Mar 2021
Untitled
Jack R Fehlmann Mar 2021
Simply put, you are far too fortunate.
I predict, your blissful ignorance, skewed view
Guards the one you are inside.

Never known the static stinging  burning denial, of the passed over.
We, find much more far less offering and engaging.
73 · Apr 2021
This Thing
Jack R Fehlmann Apr 2021
It nags at me.

From just behind,
And just beneath.

Demands my hidden attention.

This thing
Is a part of me

That causes my hesitation.

Steals away my belief
That I am in fact a good man.

Bringing me down.

Wearing me down
To where I almost take the last step.

This thing
Though I don't want it

Is every bit a part of who I am.

And I know I do not want it.
73 · Jun 2020
The Boring World
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2020
Words do little to say
The gratitude I have
Still now and even then
In your wonderful workings
Thrilled and proud, smiling
Reflecting that you haven't changed
Conforming to never had done that
Because you awash in light
Colors all so fondly follow you
Contrasting completely
The boring world faded
Is in fact little, skewed now
No longer beside,
completely beneath
72 · Mar 2021
"Inevitably"
Jack R Fehlmann Mar 2021
If I could
  want You more;
     I would burst
       Into countless
         droplets of pain.

If one look
To have stole
this heart here;
I might have
again within
mine back again.

If I failed
to be He;
Your Mr. Right .

If You weren't
exactly perfect;
I'd be no less
caught in your eyes.

I'd never have You;
Time and place.
Inevitably.

If I had more
Of Your eyes;
I would burst
Into countless droplets
Of pure joy.

If one touch
Made You want;
Inevitably
You would decide...
72 · Aug 2020
Forced to Confront
Jack R Fehlmann Aug 2020
I've built these things
As distraction from the
State of my being
Blinded

Allowed for such waste
Collected as if cherished
Now as I am daunted
Set to the task
Disgusted

What made me this way
To choose without knowing
To let slip the standards
To live and not hide my needs
So much filth now
I am shocked by
The thought that
This is me.  

No longer.
I own it to change
71 · Jul 2020
Fall Apart
Jack R Fehlmann Jul 2020
My eyes take in the chaos
The amounts are staggering
In every aspect of my life
It's as if I've invited disorder
Everywhere it collects
And I can't find reasons to fight
It's as if I've fallen apart.
71 · Jun 2020
Go
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2020
Go
The fainted notes of told you so
Across parched and brokened lips
Smile so buried As if to never afflict
While dry eyes blink buying time
To confess or bargain degrees of neither for nor relations I alone go
For I am no loss, no second soul
71 · May 2021
Will I?
Jack R Fehlmann May 2021
I read and I am so many
though honestly, only one.
I breathe and ache,
Your words make me feel.
To be found, O' if only
One of one and only.
I digress, as is best.
To take in, and witness
all manner of this condition.
In Love, as I am
Again and again and again
fallen as the heart I sent
represents how taken I am
In love with you through your
poetic postings.  You'll never know
who or how you have won
the heart of a man, that only writes
of the way the heart does just the opposite.
71 · Sep 2021
lonely day bird song
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2021
The song bird heralds
The start of another day
This melody falls so gentle
To a man trying not to wake
He wants desperately to hold
The only love he knows
And she only visits in his dreams
That melody is the saddest song
That comes with the first rays
Another lonely day of wanting only to be asleep.
70 · Aug 2020
Choose
Jack R Fehlmann Aug 2020
Choose.
by: Jack R. Fehlmann

Herald this golden new
Era in which We
The whole of Us
Side be side sharing
A culmination of such
limitless these Wiser ways of living
Sustainable priorities possible
Be Mindful with methods
and practice love, patience
Usher in A place for all
For all at long last
time is and is yet
present, A gift, treasured existence
disrobe this, our making
manifesting greedful, peril
A day is soon to pass
Dangerously proportionate
As upon such precipice
Not seen for lack of remembering
Forseen and fortold
Today or tomorrow
Forever in the balance
Choose.
70 · Feb 2021
I Stopped Trying To
Jack R Fehlmann Feb 2021
Clear the air before you breathe.

Hold my own while hoping this wasn't there.

Say I didn't when it was plain

Instead of owning I let the topic fall off

Uncomfortable or not, to make that silence

A way to never ever gain but gleam

Tell myself I got it when I am it.  

Breathe in, a break, inch away more of myself

My normal used to be so far away

Impossibly, but i had to try it
70 · Jun 2020
Off and away
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2020
Who am I, but buried
Beneath the incredible weight
Of Her growing shadow
The farther along on forth
Her sillouette exponential
Pours over,my body
Pressing down this fragile heart
So completely, as it breaks,
Those peices sink,
drifting beneath
Off and away
70 · May 2020
I Can't Believe
Jack R Fehlmann May 2020
Did it again, my selfish self
Confessed when best left unsaid.
Years fall short of such as my woes
As does the wisdom years grant
Meaningless none the less
These foolish things ones heart does
If that heart won't let go regardless
69 · Sep 2021
Brunt of a Joke
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2021
Laughing; What I might be.
I reserve my right to not be forthcoming
I wish to keep this... It is mine.  Alone.
Besides, to find the humor
One must have use of and you don't
My eyes.  My life choices.  My shortcomings
So, leave the wild eyed man be!
Take not, nor give him reason for not.
He's enjoying himself, though...
you may diagnose him...
a little off.  Certainly crazy.
But stay put!  If you wander off?
He will return to melancholy.
69 · Sep 2021
Sometimes
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2021
I have a tendency
To strive for high places
A belief that I am so good
And inside I know I can be
Just as I sometimes lose what focus
Such a thing demands of me
I let the dwindling believers down
The numbers of those decline
Then I complete something unexpected
Igniting belief and confirming
Sometimes it can be amazing
Sometimes.
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2020
I leave my door open
Not a little, no
all the way for you
But you won't come
You are about you
No one else
As are these tens of tens
Thousands of moments
You were everything
Piled at the threshold
Asif I cannot force out
Page after page of
My hand drawing cursive
While your face haunts
Holds my attention
So I wait, pathetic and
Patient, one day,
Maybe you'll read them.
68 · Jun 2020
But... Not
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2020
Two pools of grey blue envy
Are they, them,
flawed and positioned
Better at false ways
or lessoned

Lovers of the love
that loves me not
Or in her own words
crossed the lips
Perfect and missed,

now differently
Friends,
yes I miss this
so I accept

To listen
to how the others,
them, they
Meant so much
more,
then I will ever

Ever did, will know
though so polarized
are the views, the needs,

my own wants,
and never to be
desires us as
Friends,
co creators,
bound by legacy

But green eyes visions
of my measure
Never were as lofty
as ego whispered

I foolishly wanted,
I thought, I was enough,
to love to keep,
but...

Did she ever, once,
briefly, momentarily,
no... I think not.

I may look but not touch
Love
from distance,

and consider my luck
to be friends
and not lovers

They
fill out that place,
in her wants

What have I not,
that they replace.  
When love is all I know

and hold and so
the reason
I suffer and hurt anew
As friends
so close, but...
Not.
68 · Oct 2020
Conclusion less
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2020
It started off with the ignorance of youth
I needed to be the best at all but myself
Making me a need in me that wrestled control
To do anything, say all the words, promising
One look for some, another to my mother
Half truths found live far less than lies seem to
Circles of talk, deceptively led to life so lonely
They all saw my rouse, they walked away
Only myself the fool to believe myself in truth
I only wanted to be liked, only lied to be so
But fake is to be cut loose, and as I am and have been, I no longer know in truth who I really am.  Now here.  Now lost to who I am or what I want.  Conclusion less.
68 · Dec 2020
Carbon & Desire
Jack R Fehlmann Dec 2020
Fools are we,
You and I
To dare so close to embers

Glowing
as our wants are

Simple thoughts,
and touch
Heated consequence
within

A pleasant pain,
and breath
Flames fed to this

Oranges made
Devour
Salty reasons not
To, do
What you going
To do here
Encouraging the fire
Into new layers

Flames rage
loosed as they are
Burn to blue,
Violets shifting
blinding
to white inferno

As our senses
bodies
press flesh grinding

lost to all but
wanting
To know, having

yet
Our souls no longer
So innocent
Sacrificed

Offered eager
Unto this
hellish pit

As we fall in
so too
do our truths
melt

Down between
Throughout
Aching intimate
Sacred places
Glisten

Like sweat rolling
From your flesh
Tastes salty
Inviting

Feels right
Being squeezed
While holding
tightly

Trailing lightly
Traced fingers
Create such need
shimmer, moans rising

Lost in yours,
Giving my own
Pushing to
pulling
twisting apart,
spinning swirls into falling
thrusting
and writhing

Fooling
the eyes if found upon

folding in, blending
Out
licking, kissing
Biting

passionate
and
perfect

waving in and out
Our maelstrom
builds

Stretching and I
want more

The pressures howl
erupting unimaginable
delight

To be sated
We
All consumed

No more me,
no more you

only

ashes left
blackish-white

Fall apart

Carbon & Desire
67 · Jul 2021
Walking on.
Jack R Fehlmann Jul 2021
To take a direction all my own
Legs place distance bitter sweet
Mind is at war with life and love
With living and with being without
If I dared, I imagine turning around
I bet I could see you
The thought taxes the beat within
It never lets go, always longing
Even when it's not my wish for it to.
67 · Apr 2021
Untitled
Jack R Fehlmann Apr 2021
Without sight, I have only
And, am only reflection
A man, on a declining path.
Looking up at his past
Amazed at the hope embodied.
With no outlet, or connection
I am simply over come
In a color of a mood
Opaque and deeply dark
What have I done
67 · Jul 2021
Manifestation lost
Jack R Fehlmann Jul 2021
I can see
these
Things I want
Thoughts
Tricky as they be
Trail off.
Manifestation lost.
Hard use of
This abusive need
And thoughts cost
I see these things...
I will not give up.
67 · Aug 2021
When I Write For Me
Jack R Fehlmann Aug 2021
I write and through these

dreams, made always to make up

new ways, old weights hold on to

say again, my whispered pen

pressed against,

flowing days of filled pages

as I, have,tried

to cry out the  

old things unbroken

strings still strung so tightly

unused sigh

loss, is salt upon inner most

these words echo the broken

closure, no closer to repair

All of the things that can hurt

As they have and I endure

as I must alone

I use words

To tell a world

out of reach

how it is for me

that I may comprehend

and pretend they reach you

in this accepting

my truth of loves cost

exercise my restless wants

and longings

my chosen words

to see or feel

Or love and want

what cannot be

because I need to

when I write for Me

and not just, about You
67 · Aug 2021
You Can Take
Jack R Fehlmann Aug 2021
My eyes and their lack of interest
Sentimentality killing what little there had been left
What does it mean when pride, its unimaginable cost,
is top of one's list of bills to pay off.  Above all else, pride is what one took in them self.  Their work, or very presence amongst the precious.  It was no crutch, or blemish in need of a shadow.  i swear once I thought it was the wings that could carry us...
Above all else this life has to throw at us...  Unless, that obstacle in fact is not thrown or placed, but the instead the face, we are made to face every day? That one we listen to and try to teach to speak in better ways that don't hurt so great.  What if it is "Us".  And that image once so prideful, arrogant, and... well, invaluable.  Is a price well within our bill of sale, so little of them left, is there... You can take, or leave the pride one once felt in them self as the lesson that it was. Is,. but you can never leave it... you can never leave yourself.
66 · Jul 2020
Outside
Jack R Fehlmann Jul 2020
Witness within
without control
watching The systematic
sabotage of something
good being broken
It was my voice, but
all too strongly
laced with malice
My words sent
by my device and typed
out by hands
like mine
Hurtful
accusations that
I knew
could not be true
Blame and
shame
and petty thinking
were tools
that ruined
I fought, but I couldn't
make my mind stop
racing
Only break
a little more inside
knowing
the consequences
She would hate me,
put up walls and take
away new roads
Rightly so,
I know how unstable
my cursed and
That hated self Looks
to those that
stand close when it
gets out
more than once
lost
had to go alone
following
Each time
I've been passanger
witness within Again
and again
and I know,
that our connection
it broke
Is gone
for no good,
I hate him
I hate that
I am
him
to the world outside
of my skin
66 · Jul 2014
writing the better parts
Jack R Fehlmann Jul 2014
Having no place in which to begin
thoughts are at best, random
there is this silence that waits with me
wrapping me like a blanket
part wants to sleep,
but others parts aren't ready
so sitting here, hoping to create
giving away another little piece
to demonstrate the hard things
the inner voice and heartache
those precious things unto this web
of minds that feel, and eyes that see
giving out the truth, the causes
the casualties, everything
thinking maybe chords might ring
to a few or many, if any
66 · Nov 2020
Untitled
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2020
In the fall,

All is first one way


To turn, dry out

Destined to the breeze

Cold down from that

Introspective hell
Of knowing not matching my
Self appraisal
66 · Mar 2021
Loathing, again.
Jack R Fehlmann Mar 2021
Something pulls at me
And makes me feel this
Holds my focus
To the inward way I face
As if knowing
I know not
My nature of self loathing
Again...
It shows me.
66 · Jun 2020
Good Thoughts Writing
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2020
Real, these moments of self
Though channeling
By being broken inside
Beautiful, missing deeply
A way of living, better
Days hidden completely
In loves intoxicating throws
Lost all now but
These the countless hopes
Cherished pleas, borne of loss
Secrets laid bare upon paper
Altars to the kindred suffering
Painful and brave, sharing
To feel the good thoughts
Pouring back through
Portals to the soul.
66 · Sep 2020
Endless
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2020
If you can imagine
Ink in the oceans
Howling storms
Scouring winds raging
Unstoppable tsunamis
Uncaring plagues
Forests of untamed flames
Spewing ash enveloping
Fuel for chemical skies
Acid water drops falling
Stripping the plains
Seeping and brewing
All the way through
Imagine now nothing
The remains dissolve
Only dust and clay
Barren and beaten
Vistas in cracked forgotten
Fragments of once great
Lay to fates of nothing
Familiar places hollow
All gone to hellish endings
Feel the emptiness
The taste of sadness
Loneliness that aches

Maybe then you might understand
This is how it is inside

how I feel
each and every day

See how nothing
remains

My end of days
Are endless.
65 · Jun 2020
Untitled
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2020
Let loose my moral dialogs
Income such as tears bring
Feeling blindly out feelings
Ending so much of this opaque
Rise and falling inhalation
But for not at all what I want
Was not this knot about my
Perspective of the faded
A moment to reflect is paid
Words like my mind are tired
Midnight working at tearing down
What was built upon so much
Time slipped away and lost
I can't get this right, I am nothing
With empty air, thoughts can't say
That I running away to another
Reflected sunrise as I end
65 · May 2020
Not Enough
Jack R Fehlmann May 2020
Two so lost
Broken
Each a little
Too much
In love true
But not enough
To fix us together
Apart I can fix me
Apart you can fix you
Love was not enough.
65 · May 2020
Draw Me Previous
Jack R Fehlmann May 2020
If an artists placed intent
Found or fell upon me previous

If that moment were the muse
Talented articulating digits
Any shade pencil and finest stock
Would not draw me then in colors

If that artisan waited, watched
The angel apparition's arrival
The grey and paper composition
Bleeds anew, colors washing through

That day we met
That vibrant yellow hue
Was hope

So long had I none in me
Felt not, endlessly

Upon my eyes you fell
My heart, when you spoke sang
Your gentle voice an ivory white
Brilliant and feather light floating

Such color in a life unattended
Such contrast as to balance
My love struck eyes knew
That I must not lose such sight

That artists drawing
Was of me previous
To the moment I met you.
64 · Nov 2020
Blank Canvas Findings
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2020
These are the days of forever
Background composition plays
Imagine the tint and taste
Know it to the brink
Outlines that bind these wants
Blank mind upon canvas
Hand frozen so intimately
A breath's space from...

Talent my friend gone errant
I miss him, meds dismiss this
Better with out, out when with them
I hold my breath and find
Again... Blank Canvas.
or at least the need
Is hidden behind the spread of time
That alas, this canvas represents.
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