This began as so many have
Before, when I lived out loud
Never fumbling from a lack of
Owning only the possible
Too willing to do or say the hurtful words
As now we stride no shared mile
As many this too has ended
Damaged collateral exceedingly one sided.
And life, goes on, choices find you.
Then and now are tools used and I lose
This mind puzzled and cycles to return to
Nothing, no other shares the hollow person I've made of myself as I love nothing as I loved you.

Leading, curling, twisting as if cursive
my path seemingly writes it's way back
again, to the moat right outside
Your now closed stronghold.
I am at siege, with no army.
My heart, demands an audience
perhaps to provoke something>
poetic ending, closure?

It is in the days of eager tastes of everything
The peculiar perspectives of knowing less than not knowing assuming that you did.
When attempts at being valid came coupled with often hindsight harsh clarity.
No longer a child, limboed outside of the person you would one day become.  
When each mistake, taught to one of that one had sense enough to listen.
Often it was the first immersion into love, and lusts fueled by the awkward beauty of changes each must go through. You liked her and she liked you.  The dance of nerves and firsts that introduced amazing and intimately discovered trusts, betrayals, love and consequences very real and some life changing.  Love when so young, so fresh and near sighted, allows the best and worst of any who try it. But long after those lessons are lost to the cadence of life song. Those memories stay rooted firmly and come to thought in vivid clarity.  For me, I see her as she was. I smile at the promises only youth can dream up.  Wonder if only, to some.  What if to plenty.  How might I have done or said, to one's I never did say, or acted in honest declaration.  They were all I wanted but I did not tell them. The ones that got away will be the ones I miss most.  Thoughts on a page.

Having no place in which to begin
thoughts are at best, random
there is this silence that waits with me
wrapping me like a blanket
part wants to sleep,
but others parts aren't ready
so sitting here, hoping to create
giving away another little piece
to demonstrate the hard things
the inner voice and heartache
those precious things unto this web
of minds that feel, and eyes that see
giving out the truth, the causes
the casualties, everything
thinking maybe chords might ring
to a few or many, if any

I would
If only I with emotion
Could write

Such connection
Inside I
Allow for moments

Of memory
Honest retrospective
Causes and effects

To the world
The countless unknown
Others to confess

I am
I have been
Done against
Victim of

Life is lessons
Each their own
To share mine
Is to question

Am I alone
As I feel such
Distance

At a glance and without knowing
I contribute more of this mind.

Sincerely hoping not to flounder out
Into another wasted moments of others

To be judged and found unworthy
One line, two thoughts three at most

Here it is folks,
Another failed attempt.

I read and I am so many
though honestly, only one.
I breathe and ache,
Your words make me feel.
To be found, O' if only
One of one and only.
I digress, as is best.
To take in, and witness
all manner of this condition.
In Love, as I am
Again and again and again
fallen as the heart I sent
represents how taken I am
In love with you through your
poetic postings.  You'll never know
who or how you have won
the heart of a man, that only writes
of the way the heart does just the opposite.

I am not this vessel
I am fluid that will one day evaporate.
This vessel is half full.
And days seem hotter
Draining more and more
Until it rains again to fill it.
Then that fluid will do as I do.

I want and try so completely
This time to write, to weave
These wishes limited by
words, my words.
hard chosen.
Praying that they will
Fall and wrap lovingly, comfortably,
Forever, and always, around you
As if,.. To be your very own,
Most bestest, favorite blanket.
That they blanket you safe.
And, away.

From the perspective
Eyes like mine
Have come to view...
You.

No longer so nice
Not innocent
Only goodbyes

From the used to
Hold,..
The last, Newest and greatest.

Words do little to say
The gratitude I have
Still now and even then
In your wonderful workings
Thrilled and proud, smiling
Reflecting that you haven't changed
Conforming to never had done that
Because you awash in light
Colors all so fondly follow you
Contrasting completely
The boring world faded
Is in fact little, skewed now
No longer beside,
completely beneath

A hundred words
simply cannot.

Not nearly enough.

My love,
It is yours alone.

Unlike anything,
every waking thought.

Yours,
and filled with so much.

This connection ,
affectionately beats in time.

Mine in my breast answers
as if called upon.

Never changes.

As I sit and write
or read sad words so perfect

As to fit, or mirror like reflect
every written poem

Unanswered
as if unread, unheard

You may never
Know in fact how lost I've become

How complete
Desperately in love

One alone must
such as I do even after

Must...
Endure

My eyes and their lack of interest
Sentimentality killing what little there had been left
What does it mean when pride, its unimaginable cost,
is top of one's list of bills to pay off.  Above all else, pride is what one took in them self.  Their work, or very presence amongst the precious.  It was no crutch, or blemish in need of a shadow.  i swear once I thought it was the wings that could carry us...
Above all else this life has to throw at us...  Unless, that obstacle in fact is not thrown or placed, but the instead the face, we are made to face every day? That one we listen to and try to teach to speak in better ways that don't hurt so great.  What if it is "Us".  And that image once so prideful, arrogant, and... well, invaluable.  Is a price well within our bill of sale, so little of them left, is there... You can take, or leave the pride one once felt in them self as the lesson that it was. Is,. but you can never leave it... you can never leave yourself.

I cannot say
I saw things could
Ever would
Play out this way
Life can be crazy
It can change
The way we do
Ways we think
We Better off
Long passed pain
The crushing weight
Loss brings
Pulled too far along
Out of reach
Caught up in
The day to day
Making we
Nothing but
An after thought

To take a direction all my own
Legs place distance bitter sweet
Mind is at war with life and love
With living and with being without
If I dared, I imagine turning around
I bet I could see you
The thought taxes the beat within
It never lets go, always longing
Even when it's not my wish for it to.

Without sight, I have only
And, am only reflection
A man, on a declining path.
Looking up at his past
Amazed at the hope embodied.
With no outlet, or connection
I am simply over come
In a color of a mood
Opaque and deeply dark
What have I done

Eyes may seek throughout a thousand lifetimes

To find upon the very definition of light

Magenta, through to the blue, green red even yellow

Stretching ground to ground too far away to touch

So bright and a sight

But that gift of that trick of light dies the moment one's angle becomes skewed

Rainbows Die too.

Melancholy Me,
even when in treatment.
Hit like do the waves against the cliffs face.  
Almost myself,
the inkling concept whispering
Almost.  Almost.
self inflicted, taste familiar

My own sick habit, or need unwanted
why I force myself,
to the place,
below, inside to the embrace
weak, true to my form

Knowing only this way.
that facet, the path that
leads me, calls me irresistably
Pulling to melancholy

Down, deep, worn
to my misery never earned
in the torment undeserved.  

Why?
When almost. Almost.
normal and Me.
Trying
Trying.

Laughing; What I might be.
I reserve my right to not be forthcoming
I wish to keep this... It is mine.  Alone.
Besides, to find the humor
One must have use of and you don't
My eyes.  My life choices.  My shortcomings
So, leave the wild eyed man be!
Take not, nor give him reason for not.
He's enjoying himself, though...
you may diagnose him...
a little off.  Certainly crazy.
But stay put!  If you wander off?
He will return to melancholy.

Is it alright, when my eyes fall
In thyme with your smile?

Was this why that light fades
When yours find mine?

I could be insecure, casting signals?
You are gravity in a room you know?

Navigation is delicate near such attraction takes focus.

Not staring I chastise inside
Did you see my lips moving?

Fill out this form and I'll let you go

Simply put, you are far too fortunate.
I predict, your blissful ignorance, skewed view
Guards the one you are inside.

Never known the static stinging  burning denial, of the passed over.
We, find much more far less offering and engaging.

I can see
these
Things I want
Thoughts
Tricky as they be
Trail off.
Manifestation lost.
Hard use of
This abusive need
And thoughts cost
I see these things...
I will not give up.

My eyes take in the chaos
The amounts are staggering
In every aspect of my life
It's as if I've invited disorder
Everywhere it collects
And I can't find reasons to fight
It's as if I've fallen apart.

Vividly the dream is playing
I am an actor as well as witness
As the pursuit unfolds in confusing
Scene after scene as dread closes in.
If do not wake, or wait to see the end
I hear my conscious saying
I may never wake again.  
So I will myself to the here and now
Bolting up to opening eyes
That dart and survey surroundings
Drinking in the painful light
I am safe, it was a dream
Though the sense of foreboding
Lingers all that day.
Am I safe?  
Afraid to sleep and slip beneath
As what waits is waiting
Am I safe?

My red face in my hands
Pride dropped lack of nothing
Save relaxation or doubt
Any kind, brings folly

I no longer practice
Too easy to hide from eyes
That shift, dialog broadcast
With no words from lie laden lips
Troubled smiles please end it
One more bump of judgment
To bring down the guilt upon
Beneath the avalanche finally
Smiling at my luck in fact
Free of the mess of existence
This state that is...
Hoarding
T

From all black and forgotten
Another place and time
We choose to become this
At least for one life's time
These bodies are our anchor
Make possible these adventures
And without we must return home
To become mortal for a moment.
Is to remember the power of emotions
Something the timeless forgot.

I leave my door open
Not a little, no
all the way for you
But you won't come
You are about you
No one else
As are these tens of tens
Thousands of moments
You were everything
Piled at the threshold
Asif I cannot force out
Page after page of
My hand drawing cursive
While your face haunts
Holds my attention
So I wait, pathetic and
Patient, one day,
Maybe you'll read them.

Feel it and devour the texture,
wrap yourself tightly within
the sweet sticky taste of goodness
Would be folly for me to not want this
Believe, believe such conviction
as do these sighs I breathe
it is that, that can never prove itself pointless
Look and lay your harsh eyes down
upon the glowing coals of what remains
as this is, built up to contrast my indignant masks
Sell no less that the answer now
As I have it, I haven't as of yet known by touch
Treasure such as this, coarse, terrifying and perfect
So long the pendulum escaped the **** it caused,
age defines the difference from that reflected warmth
recollecting the dawn of my placement
they are waiting, feel it aching within
down and throughout to every cell I shed
home is calling it will not fade, so patient
Where foundations of ever lasting acceptance
disappointment is but a condition of unconditional
I see that light burns yet, even though regardless
my foolish, selfish ways have crashed as waves
against the cliffs of that place I step and fell away from
Pierces the night of my ignorance, carrying me
as the mothers arms to the babe, and love
is exactly the light that never faded,
I will be okay, I am home.  I am home.
I remember , the place that held me
A warmth, the like I want to know
They, the only unconditional
Grounding my reason, they are my own
It is late, so long now I have played
I feel it, it is time and I know they wait
a single lamp burns, showing my ways
I must find this, light piercing darkness
So that when they wake, I will be safe
I think it is past time, I find my way home

Tried at this
Sharing
Wool like sweaters
Warmth
Perspective scoping vantage
To find inconclusively
Life is lived conscious
But mostly
Busy and rushed
Lived either way

I've built these things
As distraction from the
State of my being
Blinded

Allowed for such waste
Collected as if cherished
Now as I am daunted
Set to the task
Disgusted

What made me this way
To choose without knowing
To let slip the standards
To live and not hide my needs
So much filth now
I am shocked by
The thought that
This is me.  

No longer.
I own it to change