In an amazing fashion today
Emotions broiled for lack of medication
The daylight as seen behind my closed wet eyes
A complexity's riddle of swirling reds, melting shades
Of midnight blues to explode against my lens yellow
A kaleidoscope of so many runaway misconceptions
I thought and lost hold then filled the role of passenger
Witness within without control watching
The systematic sabotage of something good being broken
It was my voice, but all too strongly laced with malice
My words sent by my device and typed out by hands like mine
Hurtful accusations that I knew could not be true
Blame and shame and petty thinking were tools that ruined
I fought, but I couldn't make my mind stop racing
Only break up a little more inside know the consequences
She would hate me, put up walls and take away new roads
Rightly so, I know how unstable my cursed and hated self
Looks to those that stand too close when it gets out
I've more than once lost and had to go alone following
Each time I've been made a passanger witness within
Again and again and I know, that connection it broke
Is gone for good, I hate him I hate that I am him to the world outside of my skin.

Calibrate the beating heart
Upon such scale so precise
As that which fate's gaze
In time, endlessly exacting
Takes, takes, knowing
Not caring, it takes
Right until a heart does beat
It's ending....


And then,..

no more.

Doubts weave so easily
Wading into unknown
Ways of doing something new
The weight of others faith
What if misplaced
Terrifying scenes of failing
Weaknesses in me haunting
To do my best is all I do
I am trying and always aware
The consequences of finding
My best as it is found wanting
I am afraid and I
Must keep on trying.  
No other choice have I
I will do.  I will continue
Trying.

All the combined parts of me
Agree that there might be something.
A new view on old ways same wants
Only part of me wants all at once
Another is any amount will do
The frightened part says caution
While my trusting part in me
already forgave you
There are areas of ego
Shallow as they can be
The combined whole of who I am
Who I was, who I want to be
All of them missed you.

Never had it that way...

Never felt that side of leaving.

Haven't heard pain,

pleading for me to please, please not leave...

Baby please stay...

Haven't made the choice to stop feeling...

On the other side of leaving

its always been me on the damaged end

Not to be, must be something.

Or is it more difficult?

How would I explain?

When I don't fully understand...

Hearts change?

Could I let you down just to walk away?

All while knowing...

Having myself felt that pain,..

I've never had it that way.

The other side of leaving

Did it again, my selfish self
Confessed when best left unsaid.
Years fall short of such as my woes
As does the wisdom years grant
Meaningless none the less
These foolish things ones heart does
If that heart won't let go regardless

The fainted notes of told you so
Across parched and brokened lips
Smile so buried As if to never afflict
While dry eyes blink buying time
To confess or bargain degrees of neither for nor relations I alone go
For I am no loss, no second soul

In either way, two horizon lines
One is from which I've made my way
My yesterday's and every scene I've seen
To this brief hesitant moment between
I which my place of reflection plays
Ahead are the days unknown to me unplayed
What lay in wait for me there?
The moment ends as time again my master
Another moment to mark such acceptance
Better i face what is to come than pretend at any way to change or revisit those of my yesterday's as this cannot be done.

A little spec of dust
Casually drifting
Floating, bathed in sunlight
Falling lightly
To a gentle rest then
Upon my heart
Right there
On a shelf cluttered
Alongside pride
Ego and reason.
Bottled tears, volatile
Layered in the dust
Of the forgotten
Magic that is her attention

To take back, is only to remember
So you must keep that view.
Two halves, flipped to the sound
Of you calling heads to win it
With wind knock out, I sink down
Saw you celebrating, some other then
One of them hand in hand
And I didn't want the breath
That my lungs were fighting to take in
It seem right to let them win,
After losing what I did, all I did
Everything you ever said, you never did, I play poorly now here I am
Watch you, another man,
Come to find he was the first of them
They would become many
And every one if them took from me
What I thought I ever wanted.
But they got had same as the last
And as I breathed in I aligned a new view, one in which I am better off with out the likes of you

Toxicity in emotions
Bourne ******* feelings
Results of low self love
Minus a narcissist love
Hinge pinned reason for
Everything worth living
Incubation by loss
Losing egos pretty match
Sauteed in pride too great
Heeps of wasted time
Soaked in poetry lines
Line after line of go away
Bowl after bowl of get going
Pile on four more
To ten grinding years
If all this leaves only
Me.  Regrets. Holding Nothing.

The blue-grey clouds  bleed south
Behind the agitated greens swaying
It seems the wind has picked up
The storm is on the horizon now
Inside is my reason for venturing
But I must stay strong and remain out
Away from the un wanting, uncaring
At a safe distance less my will collapse

Who?  Will You?
Comments will guide
Yours? My own.
No more tonight
shall I write alone

Collaborate any direction
as few or as many as creativity condones
So I plead for random acts
Of kindness being a collaboration

Who might answer?  You?
I hope, and I wait... Comment below
Lets create and together tonight
Know for one night,
we were not alone...

Let loose my moral dialogs
Income such as tears bring
Feeling blindly out feelings
Ending so much of this opaque
Rise and falling inhalation
But for not at all what I want
Was not this knot about my
Perspective of the faded
A moment to reflect is paid
Words like my mind are tired
Midnight working at tearing down
What was built upon so much
Time slipped away and lost
I can't get this right, I am nothing
With empty air, thoughts can't say
That I running away to another
Reflected sunrise as I end

Choose.
by: Jack R. Fehlmann

Herald this golden new
Era in which We
The whole of Us
Side be side sharing
A culmination of such
limitless these Wiser ways of living
Sustainable priorities possible
Be Mindful with methods
and practice love, patience
Usher in A place for all
For all at long last
time is and is yet
present, A gift, treasured existence
disrobe this, our making
manifesting greedful, peril
A day is soon to pass
Dangerously proportionate
As upon such precipice
Not seen for lack of remembering
Forseen and fortold
Today or tomorrow
Forever in the balance
Choose.

Two so lost

Seeking

To feel real

So broken

Holding an other

In love

As such is

Could

Would not what

Learn must one

To forgive

The two

So broken

I hope he is better than me
How the difficult choices are made
Learning through my mistakes
Shared the worst to disbelieving eyes
Fell a few rungs that day
To him I would not dull down jagged edges
He needs to see he can be better than me.
Mind your choices in friends
Believe you are above the obvious
Words can't take away when you know the truth.
You don't have to and so what if they do
You're better then me Son
Leave doors open and aim high as you can
See what you can do

Have you ever been at a place in your life that makes you unhappy and there's nobody to blame but yourself?  

Ever appreciate the good things in life by understanding one day you will be through this?  It can't last forever.  

Had so much going on that is working towards the better tomorrow, at the cost of knowing yourself today?

Looked back at all those underappreciated moments, or the ones you let go of that didn't want to let go of you and couldn't even beat yourself up for it because you deserve this?  

Loneliness is a state of being that is often self induced.  Once in place it makes us waste ourselves on wishing it would change.

I need to change.  I need help.  Or else I can't say I'll ever be myself again.

Looking up from the inward way that I had been facing,
I found my hands upon the wheel and that the dawn was fast made real.
The distance between consciously steering and commanding my purpose
And the autonomous routine I was living was becoming Less and less.
When did I want this?

What do we use words for?
We haven't communicated lately
I blurted out the hope
Met against open denial
Then without, and pushed
Growing distance
The Empty Air Between us.

In the stagnant safety of my lower levels
The dangerous daylight claws and creeps
To remind my drifting mind of life and time
For a single moment a spark of desire flares
Bright and brilliant in its piercing cry
Calling to the husk of He I do so inside reside
Action stand and strive for more fight for life
Shed the shackles the lovingly have held me
Wipe clean established programmed thoughts
Step out into the world from which you hide
That brilliant spark and its thoughts flicker
Fade and my numbness this locked away safe
Unfeeling state create the familiar lack of need
Brush away such desire and as I sit more time more life and days pass by but still the day tries.

EVEN IF WE DON'T LAST...
I STILL CONFESS, I DO LOVE YOU.

CLEAR THROUGH EVER AFTER...
EVEN AFTER, THIS HAS LEFT YOU.

I WILL CONFESS, I LOVE YOU STILL.

I am a problem yet mastered
Admittedly difficult
Too old to be flawless
Younger then if parted
Never vowed to nor for
Best man runner up
More than one chosen
I can be great but I'm not
I'm this way, this place
Too broken and not worth it
I'll probably never be the one
For any I come to love
I'll bore or circle talk away interest
I will die like this.  
Lonesome.

In the fall,

All is first one way


To turn, dry out

Destined to the breeze

Cold down from that

Introspective hell
Of knowing not matching my
Self appraisal

Counted moments passed us
Though the light of her eyes held
The longing inside mine

I can't wake from this living dream
The way I only seem capable
Hiding the gravity that is She
Inwardly denying I am hiding
Loss that profoundly causes
Creates folly and time to reflect
I am unwanted longed after not
Only longing, to never hold then
Again as I move motionless
Present only in the memory of when
Never coming again the way
I peel open my Inward prison