a dog who weeps after it kills,
is no better,
than one who doesn't.
your guilt does not purify you.

once you have it,
its like a shadow.
you can't outrun a shadow.
especially when that shadow's in your head.
you think things will get better,
they can't.

capricious: (adjective) an outcome driven by sudden, unpredictable change

your head gets heavy
a feeling of doom springs about
it lingers
enveloping you in fumes of doubt
it sets in, a cloud above your head.

it takes control
a silent, grey dread

colours fade out,
light grows dim
the heaviness spreads,
filling your eyes to the brim
shades of grey is all you can see

you search for colour,
desperately
to bring you back to reality

for the world you knew
sinks beneath the tide
into the dark abyss
of your mind
where shadows hide.

the abyss becomes all you know.

when the lights go out,
i am swallowed by nothingness.
it settles like a blanket over me —
but it is heavy.

the world becomes gaps and blanks.
my mind fills them.
it paints them with my worst fears:
murderers, monsters, you.
you come alive in the dark.
you lurk in the corners,
waiting for the moment
i blink.

but the images don’t move.
they are stagnant-
still, yet smothering,
seeping into skin
and squeezing the breath from my chest.

i say i’m scared of the dark,
but truly,
i fear the corners of my mind
and what they birth
when i’m alone long enough
to let them speak.

i am not the reason for your life's unhappiness.
and shoving money down everyone's throat,
certainly won't help you.
or make them want you.

i'm sorry.
i've loved you ever since i was a kid
i've seen you as my hero
even when you didn't want me
even when you hurt and hit the only person who cared about me
and i ******* hate myself for it
i ******* hate myself as i'll never be able to bring myself to hate you.

you're dangerous.
you use me.
you manipulate me.
im not dumb enough to not see it.
and the worst part is,
i let you.
you know i let you.
so you do.
no remorse, no care, no love, no feelings.
cos a girl can have only one dad can't she?
and you take full and undue advantage of that.

i've held the knife
felt the cold edge of the blade against my throat
my wrist
that tiny voice inside me screaming with joy
'it'll all be over'
'pull the plug!'
i'm terrified of living.
of enduring this ceaseless torment day after day after day
seething, writhing, floundering in an ocean of pain
but the terror of attempting and being left unsuccessful scares me even more.
the fear of failure in every aspect of my life
it comes back and bites you in the back
when you finally had the chance to be free
end it all
it chains you down and keeps you there
watching you struggle
i can't escape it
the endless ******* cycle of self doubt and fear
so i'm still here
seething, writhing, floundering in an ocean of pain.

the clutches of depression never truly let go
you have a few good days
a few fond memories
some laughs, the feeling of loneliness is combatted by warmth
a warmth that kinda sorta feels like home

and then one night you're back in your room again
city lights flickering in through the window
the feeling of dread creeps up in the back of your mind
it engulfs your brain

you swallow it down but it only spreads to your stomach
your lungs
cutting off your breath

suddenly you're suffocating again.
you're on the bathroom floor with the blade in your palm
wishing for it all to be over

just like you were.