I feel it very unfair what you did to me.
You probably do not know,
or do not want to know,
how it affected me.
That is okay.
Kind of.
You are human.
I am quite capable of doing the same thing.
Perhaps in a smaller way, I already have. But logic does not make it easy.
How much I wish it could.
I wish I could tear my memories out.  Suppress them.
Bury them.
It hurts to remember.
I compare constantly.
I cannot stop.
Why can't I?
It's so stupid.
I feel stupid because of it.
Among other things.
I do not want pity.
I do not even want an apology.
I just want you to understand what your actions have done.
Don't do it again.

Please don't do it again.

i've roamed too much, even for my nomadic mind
dropping off the brink of my thoughts
i plumment into the sea of angst
where i hadn't been bold enough to plunge through before
too late for nerve
mine have become disoriented to care now
dreading my fears is my lone rational state
i haven't a thought for anything but the ones racing through my skull
i grasp the illusive and grip the actual
the left and right sides of my brain wage warfare for control
every moment i'm fighting for harmony and in myself i find naught more then too many terrors and too many feelings
within a human who cannot convey either
so i don't
but let myself waste away
my body, like my mind, soon to know the destruction is a gift
given to many, but consumed by few
i'm caving inside out
my lungs breathe anxiety and my head thrives off concern
addicted to grief, i couldn't feel any for my own torturer self
rotting but still real
i do not fret for me

let me not forget my worries,
but let my worries forget me.

i.c.*d

let me tell you something i’ve come to realize over the short span of my lifetime and every day relearn over and again. people are all the same. at the end of the day, when the doors are closed and lights turn off. we are all humans searching and wondering and messing up every second. it isn’t just this generation. it isn’t just you. humans have been doing it since the beginning and will keep doing it. it’s in our nature. we all are insecure and trying too hard to fit it. we do it as children. looking up to someone and trying to be like them. we get so caught up in worrying about other people’s thoughts about us. no one takes a moment to imagine the person next to them feels the exact same. we compare and contrast our skin tones and body sizes. trying to squeeze into a one size fits all mold. who told us that person you are trying to be is better than who you are. most of the time no one has to. we take it upon ourselves to pick out flaws. we cover it the best we can. hoping no one will look to close. we never let anyone in. we shut out any light that might show our mistakes. we are all afraid of not being wanted. so we pretend we don’t care at all. we are all hoping for someone to come charging in and break down every barrier. but with everyone waiting, nobody is doing. immobilized by fear of being rejected. we play it safe. anyone who is too comfortable in their own skin is labeled. annoying. obnoxious. vain. brash. egoistical. stuck up. only by jealously for those who have what we don’t. we are all running in this cycle that we can’t stop. wanting to be confident, hoping someone will show us our beauty, hating those who realize they are. we want, hope and hate. sometimes our whole lives. just like the deluded thought of ideal beauty, we have an ideal person. that person who’ve been waiting on to make everything better. well i have a news flash. you don’t have to wait for this person. no the very person who is going to change you into the masterpiece who’ve always wanted to be is here. they’ve been waiting a long time for you to realize it too. that ideal person is you. yes you could roll your eyes or shake your head in annoyance. but the only person who knows every wall you built up, every flaw you keep concealed is yourself. you’ve wrested with self-imagine too long now. it doesn’t matter if someone told you how beautiful you were every day. would you believe them. would you smile and brush it off. it wouldn’t matter how many people or how many times. if you don’t believe it yourself. don’t give up now and think it will never happen. it can and it will. with one nice thought about yourself at a time. one nice thought about others too. you will find happiness when others are happy. you can slowly show the things you’ve hidden away. it will be hard. but it’s a mountain you’re climbing and you’re reaching the top. don’t be afraid to smile at ones who don’t at you. surprisingly one day they might have the guts to smile back too. little by little you are taking down the walls and in the process others will start to notice. stay unfazed by the whispers or stares. people are always jealous by what they don’t have and you got it. you have something they don’t have. an ideal person. you have become your own.

*i.c.d

the curious case of how you couldn't find the person staring back
in small glimpses, as time went by, you weren't there at all
like a locket with no picture
your heart was void, where once there was so much
it was stolen and wasted until nothing remained
so you went away clinging to the thought of self-discovery
it didn't do much but make you question who you were at all
you lost yourself in dreams of assurance and because of that you lost me
i was clinging to a thought of my own
the fear of being alone was now here and when it came knocking
i couldn't run to you anymore;
you were the reason it was reality
i faced my demons and found myself when i could lose nothing by letting go
and i hope i got it through your dense skull enough
that when you finally find that shattered part that you couldn't find
i'll be here, waiting
just where you left me.

*i.c.d

love was so innocent, as was i.
or at least it should have been
but you always made everything so cruel.
you couldn't just kiss me once and escape, you kept coming back.
as if you needed me, like i needed you.
and silly me, a glimpse of your killer smile and i was running back into dangerous territory.
disregarding the warning signs and the shrapnel blowing up in my face.
i thought you were my protection; not my pain.
like a thief, you stole kisses and parts of my heart.
when you finally had it all in your calloused hands, it didn't take you long lose interest.
every part of it exposed and it wasn't enough.
you were slipping through my grip,
still i tried to capture the attention i never had.
it didn't matter; you had your plans and leaving my heart crushed by your boot when you left,
i realized i had been a fool.
and worse, i had been a fool in love.
but your love tore me apart.

*i.c.d

never mind the pressure of the world
collapsing onto my shoulders
or the whips of cruel words
strung together by other’s mouths
it’s easy for me
but when the one soul
i care so much about
has seemed to run
it isn't easy for me

you seem to have forgotten how
i never left your side
the favor couldn’t be returned
you couldn’t keep your promises
and so i’m going to get lost in this
big city, mingle with the crowds
i’ll be a face among many
you won’t be able to find me
i’ll be the one that got away and
i hope it isn’t easy for you.

i.c.d

i don't really know what's it like
to fall in love
i thought i was in love
until i saw you with her
and it didn't really hurt that much
i didn't really feel anything at all
and i haven't since then
i've just been just kind of numb
and i'm starting to see
i know exactly what it's like to fall in love
it's falling out i haven't quite gotten yet.

*i.c.d

i feel buried
under the weight of all the secrets
people trust me with
and all the ones i make myself
every lie digging my hole
deeper and deeper into the ground
i'm tangled in my web of deceit
trapped in my hole
the secrets and angry words
come crashing down
and cover me completely
until my hole is full of lies
and i am at the bottom
and all the mistruth's became my casket
and all the secrets became my grave.

*i.c.d

angry waves tossed me about
they wouldn't let me go of their grasp
they clung onto my skin
dragging me under the turmoil
i was pulled down further
opening my eyes to an unexpected beauty
i looked up at the surface
the moon beams reaching past the outraged waves
filling up the water with light
it was silent and
b r e a t h  t a k i n g
and as the salty sea stole my lungs
i saw that the water wasn't killing me
it was saving me from so much more.

*i.c.d

i've come to the realization that
i'm hiding
not in a physical
no one look at me kind of way
but a mental
blocking people out kind of way
i didn't just build up my walls
i built a prison and locked myself inside
because i was trying to lock the crimes away
and i find
i'm the criminal.

*i.c.d

I miss
your electric
fresh kiss

the taste
of your sweet lips
erased

we're dead
all our words left
unsaid
*i.c.d

I remember thinking of how fun
it would be to be older
one of the big kids
just like you
but now that we are here
it's nothing like I thought it would be
your a senior with
tried red eyes
and ******* bags hidden under your sleeves
and I'm a freshman with
heavy bag under my eyes
and red wrists hidden under my sleeves
and it's nothing like I thought it would be.
                                                                           *i.c.d

We gathered in the
cold, still room
people got up and told comforting lies
people she didn't even talk to
showed up with their sorrows
grim masks on their faces
but sitting in the corner
I saw what no one else would admit
it was a room full of people
who didn't want to be there
for a girl
who didn't want to be there either
so she left.
*i.c.d

I'm just being a fool
pretending everything's alright
when no one is at all
living in my fantasies
I choose to ignore the crumbling of everything around
not wanting to face the truth
I'm just being a fool

but I think being a fool is better than being
broken.
*i.c.d

You had complete control over me
My mind, body and soul
Was yours to have
Making me shake
With every painful word
Every kick and hit
You used me for your dark amusement
Now that I finally got away
All you want is for me to be with you
Because you see now
I had become a part of you
You loved me
Because you hated me.
*i.c.d

Midnight comes
Right on cue
My restless bones
Never quit moving
Aching and throbbing
For relief
That never comes
Hoping
To have one more sight
Of your perfect face
But it's too late for that
Because you told me to go away
So I did.
*i.c.d

Looking up at the night sky
it resembled a dark blanket with billions
of tiny holes
where the stars light shines through
I stared up at the beauty of it
it's something we see every night
a sight we take for granted
it was exactly what our love was
beautiful
but something we never even thought about anymore
it never made us catch our breaths
like the stars do tonight
But one day we will both find a love
so bright
it will put the night sky to shame.
*i.c.d

Someone once asked me
why I love the moon so much
I turned and said
"one part of the moon is always hidden
I think people
just like the moon
have a part of us
we never show
we keep it hidden from the world
we are full of
craters and imperfections
but are still beautiful
in our sweet loneliness."
*i.c.d