so deceptive aren't you
who told you it was cute
jealousy is not a quirk
you don't realize how many people you hurt
you have something wrong inside
insecurity drives you to lie
but you've lost that death grasp
now all you hold is remnant ash

stage makeup smudged
but you're still shining
a natural talent
with your subtle gaslighting
felt true comraderie
or so i thought
my show of emotion
threw you off

my sympathy
just made you laugh
all my effort
simply trash
in your play
but unaware of the script
felt so real
didn't question it

and now it's time for the big reveal

brutus et tu
yes even you
disappointed
but what can i do
it was all just an act
all just for laughs
i'm the one walking away
with knives in my back

one misstep
and i fell through the floor
conspired for me
to spring the trap door
as i disappeared
they all clapped for you
frozen in realization
finally seeing the costume

the applause
left ringing in my ears
beneath the stage
was an ocean of tears
never knew i
was hated so much
party going upstairs
now that they think i'm dust

a celebration for the ages

soak myself up
and find my way out
ragged and dizzy
make my way into the crowd
the sound of joy crashes
into silence as they notice me
wineglasses shatter on marble floors
alas the undead king

this used to our kingdom
my beloved castle
overthrown by the ones
i rode beside in battle

don’t hate me
i will try to do the same
but i can’t make any promises
i am in pain
i don’t want to hurt
but i want to see you cry as well
after all the tears i’ve wasted
and how much you’ve made me hate myself
please don’t hate me
i will never really mean this
without the thought of you to soothe me
my lonesome nights are dreamless

sinking
i keep sinking
i keep thinking
when i know it's bad for me

dreaming
i keep dreaming
i keeping singing
to combat the bleed

but deep inside
i can't fight anymore
i decompose
behind closed doors
don't know who
is running this show
been dead inside
yet steering the boat

why do i make these choices?
why do i wake up
just to fall back asleep?

why do i love?
why do i care when it always
backfires on me?

why do i argue?
why do i hurt you
just because you don’t answer my questions?

why do i care?
why do i care?
power of suggestion

why do i come back
when i fought so hard to leave?
why do i go back and forth?

why do i even try
to make this relationship
work anymore?

i'm thinking...
hold on...
i'll run it by you in a minute.

i'm working
as fast i can,
pushing the limit.

the effort
isn't broadcast,
intended to be implicit.

finally i give
you what you want,
how can you miss it?

that's not it?
you want more?
when will i be finished?

I need to let this go
Tonight
It isn't wrong
If you do it right

Think what you want
But you don't know
You want to hold me close
​But you choose to let me go

think i'm mad
out of control
crazy upset
whatever butters your roll
i'm going lightspeed
and that challenges your morals
concerned like it's a high salary position
but i'm okay with not being "normal"

different opportunities open for me
i like the idea of any future i please
i am not opposed to seeing where it could lead
but i also know i'm running on a short leash
gonna overstay this lease
of midnight confidence that's taken over me
i'm just liking all of the pretty things i see
imma let it all fade off and fall right back to sleep

didn't waste any time
did you
betrayed by my mind
did what you knew
would hurt me most
just feel cold
thought we would be better than this
but we won't

thought i knew you
thought you knew me
seeing what you do
got me unsure that we
ever had each other
things you swore you wouldn't
you ask if i hate you
i tried but i couldnt

this is where we stand now
no love no mercy
what you would do now
to hurt me
all the resentment
you hide inside you
hate me if you want
it's your right to

some kind of suicide pact
die for you anyday
trying to take all these feelings back
gonna **** me anyways
didn't waste any time
couldn't help yourself
nothing can save you
no prayers hope wishes help

didn't waste any time
but mine

you are not the victim here
with your alligator tears
you lied and took and stole and stabbed
every piece of me that you could grab
you are no saint, no legend, no man
you're a little boy with too much time on his hands
you wont get my sympathy now that you've done your worst
i hope after this is all done you're feelings are a little hurt
but that's on hoping that you even realize
that in this situation you're the bad guy

i don't regret
anything i said
nor do i
care to deny
that i was in the wrong
all along
i knew i'd face this hate
i did it anyways
i do not feel bad
if it makes you feel better you can hurt me back
i am not ashamed
i face this criticism unafraid
i chose this ending
i will do no defending
i broke the promise
i was dishonest
i told the lie
now i will pay the price
and as much as it *****
i find it hard to muster up
the fake tears
or act sincere
i am sorry for show
deep down I know
what i did was not a sin
and i am bound and willing to do it again
but to make you stand back
i retract

constantly saying you care
consistently proving you don't 

you talk a lot but 
your words don't add up
when your actions are judged alone

you feel the need to speak
but you only say things you cant promise

however
doing so just makes you seem silly
and paints you as dishonest

stop saying things you can't prove
the evidence is stacked

no matter what
you say or do
you can't win my trust back

i think i'm gonna be sick
i thought about it
and i realized something new
i've been doing that a lot recently

in the moment you can push on
but in hindsight every aspect can be magnified
individual actions scrupled upon
like never before

disssecting a microcosm of a major failure
who's i don't know
but i am realizing just how broken i am
and how much you never gave me
compared to how much you have to give

i wish i hadn't given it my all
not when you couldn't imagine what that's like
i'm having new realizations
but i keep asking who am i
i didn't have the chances to get so far
as to understand one singular thing about myself

hope you can appreciate all you have
and all you'll never feel

tested the waters
dipped in my toe
for me it's just
a bit too cold
but it senses my warmth
and craves to consume me
to cover every surface
make me part of it's sea
but i pull back
afraid of the sudden obsession
the ocean rages and threatens
with me not in its possession
i'm scared to leave it
because it just needs a friend
but it wants to drown me
as soon as i wade in

don't wanna be too much
sensitive to the touch
don't wanna be a burden
but do i deserve this

every breath stabs
every tear stings
why am i falling apart
over the same old things

everyone has issues
i'm not special i know
don't wanna be a bother
but i'm struggling on my own

don't wanna be in the way
but can't i lay my head right here
you don't have to listen
just like to think somebody hears

wondering if i'm crazy
for feeling the ways i do
just tell me if i talk too much
don't wanna annoy you

everything feels so bad
and i just feel so lost
too tired to think
too heavy to carry on

should cut some of the weight
just don't wanna against your free will
you mean a lot to me
don't wanna use you as an emotion landfill

there's a lot i don't wanna do
and you say its okay to breathe
maybe i'll start there
just don't wanna make a scene

just don't wanna be 'that girl'
don't wanna be the freak
don't wanna scare you off
or have someone else laugh at me

i know i say too much
and i came on too strong
always in excess
always doing something wrong

they tell me to watch my mouth
before i dig myself deeper
stupid of me to think
they couldn't get any meaner

don't even know where this is going
don't wanna make no sense
i'm a broken record
saying the same stuff over again

don't wanna this don't wanna that
just don't wanna be alone
god i'm scared to ask for help
but i'm too weak to keeping standing on my own

futures painted inside my eyelids
which one should i pick
i know i realistically can't control ****
but i love reveling in the what ifs

i get the birthday crown
flashing billboard screaming
COME SAY SOMETHING
even when i don't really want them to

need to be okay with being forgotten
accept that it's normal to sometimes get left behind
that sometimes people just genuinely don't
have enough time
or enough room or enough love to spread
for another person in their life
need to not take it to heart
gotta learn to take it in stride

good night may never come
i'm awake and shaking
in the quiet of the dark
my fragile heart is breaking
at the memory of us together
uncontrollably laughing
to a stranger's eyes
we might've seemed happy
but i know we were not
just a house of cards
a breeze of doubt came over us
and we blew right apart

i wish it was a good night
that sleep would silence my mind
but i don't wanna close my eyes
when i do the saga rewinds

i'm crying in the bathtub
naked and alone
feeling uglier than ever
down into my bones
i want to thank you for loving me
only when it was easy
the water keeps mixing with my tears
and for some ******* reason
i wish you were here
to wipe em away
kiss my face and say it'll be okay
but i know i know i know
you won't you won't you won't

just miss your nonsense
and putting my legs over yours
god i wish things could
just go back to before

butterfly in a jar
captured yet unharmed
beautiful from afar

but up this close
glass to nose
has got to be the most

delicate thing
i've ever seen
but i need to set you free

you deserve to fly
not be trapped inside
a container for my delight

lean over
just say
whatever it is
get it out of the way
i'd rather know the truth
than keep being played
is the validation
worth my pain

throwing my arms up
faltering at last
held up that front
till i was pushed up to my back
it's getting pretty exhausting
being this beacon
everyone wants to see
the half angel half demon
so i put on my halo
and shake my pitchfork
really trying to give them
whatever it is they came for
but deep down inside
i feel unseen
they think this costume
is even comparable to the real me

i sit here
hating my brain
for not
being the same
as everyone else

why cant i just
be normal
obey the social contract
indulge the morals
like everybody else

why why
why can't i
smile
i want to cry
why do i
want to die
never used to
be so sad
everything just
makes me mad
everything i do is bad
save me save me
i've gone crazy
if i am not perfect
will you replace me
will you abandon me
or do you plan on staying
i'm scared to lose another friend
because i'm **** at communicating
stay please stay
i'll fix up a room
in my heart
for you
i'll try to keep it light
though i always feel blue
i'll try to
even though i'm doomed
to get attached
i get jealous too
i know that you'll run
once you see
the insecure creature
underneath
no one could ever
love the real me
i'm stupid yet conniving
i'm so ******* ugly
from the inside out
and boy does it show
every person has distanced themselves
once they've gotten to know
me
so i let myself go
i hide in the comfort of my empty home
as the loneliness penetrates
down to the bone
oh no no no
i feel so alone
you couldn't care less
too bad i guess
after all it's my mess
piteous at best
what did i even expect

i don't wanna see you
i don't want your time
i don't need you disturbing
my peace of mind
don't want to get my hopes up
to be let down
don't ask to hang out
if i never see you around
just don't need the stress
of being your contingency
being alone is isn't optimal
but i can function independently

stop asking for my opinion
just so you can share yours
don't bring me into your battles
to settle your scores
i'm not interested
with the consequences you bring
why worry about pleasing you
when there are better things
to cherish and labor for
like learning to love myself
it's not me, it's you
it's for the good of my mental health

we used to laugh
at each other's jokes
shared the secrets
we didn't want anyone else to know
you trusted me
i trusted you
trusted the agreement
we had come to
then one day
you changed the plans
went from my best friend
to my worst friend
then to a stranger
who just knows everything about me
it hurt to know you
could just move on without me

i already regret most of
the vulnerability i've shown
questioned my intuition
but when you know you know
i should have known
but i chose to disregard
let my judgement get clouded
by matters of the heart
convinced myself that you
wouldn't make me regret caring
i'm gonna keep caring too
even though it scares me
that i could love somebody
that ******* cold
intrusive thoughts
have been taking their toll
and no i can't hide from myself
but i can choose who to be
your indifference doesn't make you cool
stop treating me like charity

taking the cowards exit
because to hate is easier than to love from afar
and how can i hurt myself like that
when you knowingly broke my heart

i tell myself i'm allowed to change
i think i just say that to feel okay
with everything that has happened
yet i still feel drained

i can live with myself
if i end up being wrong
but what if i can't find a purpose
once you're gone

i tell myself i'm young
and i wont get it right the first time
but i only have so many chances
before i **** up my life

gotta shatter like glass
into a million bits
just to get your attention
and even then
you don't really care
just do what you 'should'
just cause it's your job
don't mean you'll do it good

the walls are black
and floors are black
the paintings are black
it's all black
except for the ceiling
it's not there
but if you look up
the sky is black too
and if you travel to the end of the universe
you'll find that it's black there too
everywhere you turn
there is only
black

standing in the window
sunlight through your hair
next to something so bright
you seem suspended in the air
having your moment
and i have mine
humming something unfamiliar
but it feels just right
never thought this would be me
or where i would be
but my low self esteem
matches your extremes
the juxtaposition
of our separate issues
want to see you happy
but don't need to fix you

lately it's almost like
i am losing my hold
though i've never had a grip
i had some control
but now i'm slipping
and i'm afraid to know
the consequences of my actions
what happens when you don't let go

realizations hit me
reacting too quickly
it's like the good endings skip me
each new outcome is sickening
i don't want to be a pick me
but i just want someone to pick me

taking a step back
but it didn't help that much
i have to leave this existence
and that distance might still not be enough
but for now i just feel coughed up
all my edges rough
underneath all of my negativity
i swear there is love

it's just when all the realizations hit me
i spin out and react too quickly
my best intentions now feel dingy
i just wanted someone with me
but in my mission for someone to pick me
my own image has become almost sickening
not too far gone
but nearly lost
hate to loathe
it always leads to seeming alone

even if i wish i could receive my own effort in return
that's not what it's all about
i should be a better person by now