everyday
i wake up
in pain
emotional
physical
the kind i can't explain
why don't you see
why don't you care
just expecting me to move on
from yesterdays failures
all of my underachievements
my potential wrongs
and i probably would
if you didn't constantly
bring them up
being around you
is a reminder of why
i'm not enough
and i have tried
to numb myself
but it hurts just the same
but i'll keep it to myself
you don't care to
hear me complain
i just wish you understood
but i can't expect you
to know
being around you willingly
taking
blow after blow
bruised after you're done
accepting the way
things are
to you i am
just another
bleeding heart

i mostly feel bad for the old me
forgive her for most of what she put me through
but i still ******* hate her
because she chose to love you

the easier times
were filled with lies
we cannot see
eye to eye
butting heads
and shaking knives
don't wanna ****
but willing to fight
won't let the other
live to be right
have to cut each other down
to be satisfied
hate this dynamic
but its how its been for some time

tell me to be sensible
not sensitive
i'm only like this
because you slipped up again
you don't like this version
of me you handcrafted
whining about ****
you literally made happen

throwing **** at a wall
but none of it sticks
sick of waiting to belong
why can't i just fit

unavailable
missing calls pile up
phone on the table
think i've seen enough

words you'd never say
not to my face anyways
things you swore were true
that meant nothing to you

just asking what are we
how would you define us
are we something magical
or the furthest thing from love
i need to know if you're
someone i can trust

play your broken record
if it makes you feel better
make love to your favorite lie
enjoy it if just for the night
before the sound of joy crashes
and we're sweeping up ashes
make yourself comfortable in the world you forged
before it crumbles away and there's nothing left to morph

the pictures behind your eyes
words that wet tight stitched lips
a boundless universe inside your closed off mind
when will it finally be worth the risk

in my pocket of the universe
you're the sun in the sky
the moon peeking through night
planet me revolves around you

when you leave
there is no light
its a very dreary life
i'm needy and hate that that's my truth

but you can't lie
you like being the center of my attention
love the total worship
before every inevitable dissension

i just wanna change the world
but
the world wants to change me too
i just wanna find something good
but
the good doesn't want to be seen
i just wanna scream into the void
but
the void screams back at me instead
i just wanna let go of these people
but
these people won't let go of me
i just wanna lie next you
but
who knows the next time you will lie
i just wannawannawanna
but
the wanna doesn't want me

go on and pour it all out
can you put it back in now
just the way it was
nothing can ever be undone

it's not that hard to understand
stop saying that you can't

i'm no liar
but i keep hiding the truth
i am becoming something i'm scared of
in the effort of attaining you
please help me out here
i just want to make you love me
tried every trick in the book
and still my hopes are plunging
i do everything that i possibly can
even if it's not right
i put my own feelings aside
entertain you with a growing mountain of lies
why can't you love me
the way that i am

you're never gonna love me
what's so hard to understand
i'm nothing but a sheep
that can give you minuscule amounts of joy
nothing but a distraction
once interesting but now i am an old toy
nothing about the real me
catches your eye
nothing special to consider
just another person nagging you all the time
i can't be the one you love
because you don't see my heart

but now i know it's not me
it's bout the monster you truly are
it's about the ways you make people feel
when they don't act how you want them to
it's the way you ignore me unless
i have something you might need to use
like my patience, money, attention and time
only useful in the moment
too late to go back before i saw your ugly side
you've already shown it
i'm tired of succumbing and feeling
like all of this was my fault

but in all honestly
we both did each other wrong
i was not right
you weren't either
needed a clean break
but i gave you a breather
when you hurt me
i took it badly
i couldn't bring myself to
let you seem happy
first i wanted you back
then i knew that it just wouldn't work
then i blamed it ll on you
now i am giving you the apology you deserve
i am sorry
but at least i know better now

you are probably not gonna care

can't i just exist
without your intrusion
i'm older then i was
when i jumped to conclusions
you've not much changed
still unaccountable
wanna hope you learned something
but even that is doubtful

but what if you get tired
of all the questions i ask
bored with me
because i fall asleep too fast
what if you don't want me anymore
what then am i to do
what if you stop wanting me
the way i want you

you're honest with your fears
and i hear you out
but i need to you remember
what i say right now
i never want to stop thinking of you
if i could i would
you're terrified of being horrible
but i see all the good
that is in you
and i'm sorry you worried for so long
can't help but laugh a little
you could not have been more wrong

i'm just a liar
and you have more than enough
lies

i'll understand
why you can't be by my
side

my muscles are so tired
weaker by the second
with each step i feel heavier
as my bones leaden
i'm so so close
gotta crawl these last few feet
i've suffered too much
to accept defeat
even its the worst pain
ever known to man
i'll tear that finish line in half
with my two broken hands