I'm alright
Not 100% better
But i feel somewhat better
Like im on a sugar high of emotions
Compared to my moody past

I have the energy to clean my room
My room was filled with trash
And my demons
It was so messy, so i cleaned it
There are still a few demons lurking but its alright

I have the energy to stay awake
I used to want to crawl back to bed
Well, i still do
But less than i used to
I actually want to get up and do things

I have the want to do things
I didn't before
Except the occasional poem or drawing
I didn't want to work, but i had to
I didn't want to smile, but i forced myself too

I have the want to smile
I'm smiling as i write this
I want to dance, i want to sing
I want to be alive
For the first time in a long time

I'm finally okay enough to say
"I'm okay"
and actually mean it

You should have lived
A peaceful life,
Or at least
One with very minimal sorrows
What you got is death

You should have lived
A loving life
If not that
Then one where you at least knew what love tasted like
What you got was lungs filled with water

You should have lived
With your brother
If not that
Then i wish i could have warned you about it
What you two got was a painful death

You should have lived
To 19 this year
20 in march 15th
You should have lived to be two years older
But you didn't
You died with your brother

You should have lived
To bring joy into peoples hearts like you always did
If not that
You being here would be enough for me
That you got was your last day on earth

Today i remember
The short life you lived
And how great it was
And today i learn to let you go, just a little bit,
To let you finally rest in peace

I wish i could
Replace you and your brothers life
With mine
Because above all things
You should have lived

Name
Whats in a name?
Thats something that Shakespeare wrote isint it?
But there is still value to it isint there?

I remember never liking my name
'Taylor'
Whats in that name that makes me uncomfortable?

Is it the fact that i was stuffed into this body?
Put into this wrong body?
Is it the fact that my parts are wrong?
Or is it the name itself?

Whats in a name?
Correction
What IS a name?
A name is a jumble of syllables
It sets you apart from the rest of the people
The rest of the living creatures of the world
So why be stuck with a name you dont like?

Matthew Todd
Why do i like that name?
Why did my mom like that name?
She said if i was born a with a ***** that it would be my name
So why cant it be?

Taylor Marie
Why did she name me that?
I know why
Taylor, she named me that from a strangers baby
Not a friend of hers baby, but a strangers
How fitting of her

Marie, that is her middle name
And her mom's
And her Grandma's
So its only natural it would become mine too

But not for long

Taylor Marie
Whatever the name means to me, it wont be my name anymore
My name
Is Matthew Todd

Look here! At that tree!
Don't you see it swaying?
Mama why does it do that?

Is it a powerful wizard-
That shakes the tree for apples-
To defeat the evil dragon?

Is it that the tree's are dancing-
They dance to put-
A smile on my face?

Or is it the wind?

Look here! At that bush!
Its moving slightly!
Mama why does it move?

Is it afraid-
That a evil bandit will come and-
Hide his weapons in it?

Or that-
An angry lumberjack will come-
And rip it from the ground?

Or is it the wind?

Look here! On the tv!
Mama! Look here!
That kid died today mama
Mama why did he?

Maybe he is secretly an angel-
And he is returning-
Back home?

Maybe an angel asked him-
To dance with them-
Among the stars?

Or is it just because of selfishness?

Look here! Hey! Look here!
Hey mama! Where are you?
Mama why did you leave?

Your secretly an agent?
And you have to go on-
A very important mission?

Oh now you say that
The wind is asking you to dance with them-
And you cant refuse the wind.

Or is it because of me?

What do you think
is God's big plan
When you have a face of a woman,
But the heart of a man?

When your trapped in the female check box
And your parts don't match your head
But society stares at you like a hawk
Because society wants you dead

I looked up to you like a baby calf
Looking up to its oh so loving mother
Did you do this for a laugh?
Was this pain meant for another?

Because I've been told by your people, oh great father
That you will not love me the way you made me,
That we will never see each other

Should i stay
In the body that you gave me?
Or should i learn to let it go?
To let things be?

But staying is hell
And leaving is heaven
So much that I'm willing to go to hell
That I'm willing to never have a taste of heaven

Why god did you make me look this way
Then make my heart someone different

Did you do it to test me?
To show me that I'm strong?
Or did you make a mistake?
Did you get my formula wrong?

I cant let this go,
Why cant you see,
I have to let my colors flow,
I cant let things be,

I'm sorry god
But please try to see,
I was never that girl
You wanted me to be