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I stared out the window
at the grey shroud
lapping against the glass
I didn't know what time it was
or how long I had been on the couch
I'd been held captive by the sharpness of tongues
that slit my veins with loathing and tainted blood
blood tainted with hatred... my blood
you're a worthless pathetic *****
I drank away from the disdain that haunted my soul
but I couldn't escape
escape the relentless barrage of maliciousness
no matter how hard I tried to shut them out
their voices were all I could hear now
the scars may have healed and the bruises faded
but the claws of hate and rejection dug deep within my flesh
and never let go
every spiteful sentiment struck
with more force than the most violent of blows
each degrading remark and estimation of worthless
broke me in half
you aren't important
there'd been a time
when I almost convinced myself
that my accomplishments and determination
would silence their malice
but I'd given up
I couldn't say the exact moment that it happened
perhaps it was the second that...
or maybe it was before then
but now, in my isolation, the whispers found me
you don't care about anyone other than yourself
I stared out into the distance
beckoned by the roaring of the waves
the only sound loud enough to mask
what were now sickening screams
I walked on
through the clouds that swept against my skin
you took him from me
I stood at the waters edge
enraptured by the fury rushing to shore
the rolling wave cresting before crashing in on itself
in a maddening tumble
sweeping under my feet
pulling me into the shifting sand
the rippling surface seduced with its curling fingers
tempting me
you should never have been born
I took a step
and began walking toward the grey horizon
that seamlessly melded with the dark water
my chin quivered as the tears washed over my face
turbulent waves pushed me back toward the shore
going farther and father out to sea
letting the water overtake me
all I had to do was breathe
and I would be gone...
"Wasted Time"
So the time wasted
The foot steps pasted
All this talk of future and desire
Was lied meant to lay there in fire
Oh I love you what a bust
So you love me cause
It sure seems that the only thing
You love is to make me miserable
What was the point of the time spent
If you just wasted all of it
"Heart Break"
My heart beats for you
No scratch that
My heart broke for you
all the time we were together
The memories just bring back pain
I always just wanted to be with you
You just ended it there
Without even thinking about the ways
The ways we could be together
After all this was out the way
You didn't say you didn't feel the same
You just said there was no way
That you and could be together
After you graduate
But please I would be 18
I could've just came with you
And finish at another place
So you didn't even think about
All the different ways but **
I wish you would have saw
All the different ways
Then I would followed in every single way
Girl broke up with me after a good month and taking it hard because the reason was I am in 11th Grade and she is a senior and going to college
"Quit"
I quit tired of trying
Tried this
Tried that
No response
I try get back in your heart
No passage is given
So just let it go
Stop looking for love
Where it won't belong
Sittin' on the dock of the bay,
Watching the sun slip, Simon-says, slide away,
Cheeks blushing flushing from orange ray-guns,
Drinking blush rosé to oil our eyes
For the subtle story the sky shortly will reveal,
For the subtle story the sky shortly will revel.

Grievous judgement to make,
Thinkin' skills possessed to praise,
When but yesterday I easy confessed,
When at the Blue Canoe (another poem),
I did not.

(The clouds were magnificent. No, I cannot write a poem about the cloud colors. Their shape shifting inexhaustible.  Mine eyes high on their creativity.  I'm just not good enough a poet to tamper with that sky.)

If you courage enough to
Call yourself poet, then
It is audacity, not blood,
Warming your extremities,
So foolishly try, always be prepared to fail.

No impulse. We pledged that tonight, ours,
One hour of sunset over Silver Beach.
Brought the wine, forgot the pillows,
So Abraham & Isaaca went prepared to sacrifice
All feelings in their butts for the greater glory
Of love and one of nature's great poetic challenges..

The conundrum~miracle of every sunset
O'er bay, lake or ocean, is its special,
Only-In-Nature unique way of customizing
Its descent just for you.

No matter where one observes,
No matter where you worship,
Wherever your temple, mosque or church situé,
Tennessee, Rhode Island, the Philippines,
Germany, Colombia, even in the ole U.K.,
(yes, you, know it, yes you)
The very same setting sun we all see,
Sends a magic dazzle gold orange path invitation
To the exact spot you are voyeuring,
One sun, all destinations equal before human.

How can that be?

Trepidation and tremblingly,
The clouds.

She leans on me, a perfect fit,
My back resting against a pylon,
So we see the clouds
With common exactitude,
But it is a quiet time, silence only shared.
Images stored silently within ourselves,
For we see the formation, man, woman,
Precisely and exactly, totally differently.

The clouds.
An armada moving imperial and imperiously
At a stately speed, saying I am awesome, fear me.
The largest cloud bank is an aircraft carrier,
Miles long, painted horizon blue-grey unsurprisingly.

The small white wisps, fast destroyers, stealthy submarines,
Moving fast to protect the mother ship,
Running random to confuse enemy radar and the
Pathetic, limited, human eye.

The colors.
Here I fail willingly, unashamedly.
So many sunsets, so many hearts,
All different, all the same.
Lacking knowledge, I cannot tender,
I cannot offer you tenderness to love
Enough,
The variety of oranges, gold, varietals interspersed
With pinks singeing the cornea,
And mock myself for all my meager brain yields is
Good Humor creamsicle...a delicious irony

You who write after midnight
Of razor blades, pills and shotguns,
And not marked two decades even, on this planet,
You want hard,
Write a poem about a sunset in ways never done before.

You, who are wracked with despair
Speak to the man with no job for months
And mouths to feed and a life insurance policy.
Speak to me.

I want to tell you to get over yourself,
But you reject that old saw.
Ok.
Get onto to yourself.

I have walked the hallways of deep despair,
Heard the bells ring between periods that signal only the next
Hell,
And to this day, still do,
But still I try to write external of sunsets and greater glories.

How many lives depend on you? Are you proud of your weakness?
Do you hate me yet for acknowledging out loud,
We are both cowards?

I have five mouths to feed,
Before I parse a morsel.
One less than two times three,
What do you have but to
Grow yourself?

Yeah coward.
Too yellow to write about a
Yellow sunset, cause that is hard in a way incomprehensible
Until tried.
Or the passing of your mother who could not speak clearly
But you, thru her eyes knew that she had poems to yet recite.
Run away like I did ashamed with frustrated failure.
Why should I coddle, give you easy soft?
.
If you come here to share, well and good.
If you come here to find comfort, good.
So gaze upon these words and feel
The love that only experience has earned.

What do you know of heartbreak?
Imprisoned for decades in a loveless life,
I walked by the water nightly, so tempted
To stay, to not pass by but pass on,
Yes, the same waters where I CinemaScoped
Yesterday's sunset, and walked away.

You can read about it if you look,
Look me up, look here, the story is in my poems, but always,
Look up!

So do something hard, something external.
Fail but love yourself more for just having tried.
Then try something else.

The saddest poem ever wrote
Was not yours, where you titillate with daring words
Razors, pills etc.,
The saddest poem ever writ
Was this one, a meager vanity to capture a
Sunset that keeps trying every day to
Surpass
Supersede
Its previous glorious failure,
Like we should too.
Keep trying

Now, I shall rest,
For I know that soon I shall see, feel, think,
Of something new that will make me eager to
Write a new poem.


August 3~5, 2013
Written and posted here one year ago today. Strangely, it fits my mood exactly, again, today, 2014. Edited for clarity here and there...

*If you courage enough to
Call yourself poet, then
It is audacity, not blood,
Warming your extremities,
So foolishly try, always be prepared to fail.
Laughter Flows through the room
Like the clouds slithering across this glooming sky

It’s odd
The calendar on my wall says its December
But I feel so warm right now
With all of these people
With all of the memories framed up around my house

As the night drew to a close
My friends bid me their farewells
So they can go back to their homes
All I was left with was this house

And you

Yes you

You sat there are on my couch
I could see it in your eyes that something was on your mind
And you ask me greatest question to ever pop up
On this gloomy December night.

“ I cant seem to solve you, who are you really?”
I turn confused scratching my head like a busted CD
The question kept repeating in my mind
“What is their to know about me?”
“Well…
You are funny and all but that's not what you always are?”
I sat down next to her and I said

Wanna know who I am?

I am the person everyone wants me to be
I smile big in front school pictures
I smile bigger and bigger when I am in the center of attention.
I’m emotionless when a deer is dead on the road.
I cry when celebrities die
And not when 14 citizens die from another bomber.
I vote not knowing both sides of each issue.

I do what people tell me to do
When they ask me how I’m doing
I hold a big smile and say
I’m pretty good

I’m an ******* who scares everyone
Who tries to be close to me away
Because under all of this laughter and this smile,
I’m controlling.
I’m afraid that you will be just like the others and leave me alone
Who scrape my heart with your car
So I grab and I squeeze
I don't want you to be like every other person that has stumbled into my life.

But I don't say any of that
instead I just say
“I'm just some guy”
My eyes are black
Like oil straight from the Middle East
Like abysses as unlit as the souls of the white ones killing who I am
Disks as dark as the top of my flag

My eyes are black
Like the deafening sound after a missile strikes
Like dilated pupils watching an explosion of the white ones killing who I am
Rings as dark as the burnt bread eaten as a meal

My eyes are black
And the white ones say blue eyes are beautiful
And the white ones say my people are not
And the white ones believe that as long as the ink on newspapers say that the white ones are okay, then we are unimportant, thrown into the shadows that are as black as my eyes

My eyes are black
Like the "other" bubble I had to fill in because the white ones say we are not a people
Like the TV screens when the news shows our faces and bodies blown to bits because nobody wants to see that
Like the inside of a mother's eyelids when her son's face and body was blown to bits because she doesn't want to see that

My eyes are black
My eyes are black
My eyes are black
My eyes are Palestine
I am Palestine
And the white ones say I am nobody
But I am Palestine
And my eyes are black
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