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Heather Sarrazin Nov 2014
"Life is all about choices."

But I don't recall choosing
The struggles I've had to fight to remain moving and breathing,
The rough path I have no choice but to keep walking,
Or the situations of which I've dealt with
Some I was born into
I don't remember ever being given the option
To choose

Coming home from school, to a household that automatically changes your mood
Forget living, let's call it existing
It's all that's being done under this roof
And it **** sure couldn't be compared to any thing resembling a choice
It's rope and a guilted conscience
That keep me bound to this place that raised me
Fighting against the knots tied abrasively around my feet      
Only to be overwhelmed with remorse
At even having thought about leaving
And unknowingly, I strengthen their hold

Life, once again, making choices on its own  

They never tell you it'll be easy
So caught up in dramatizing the difficulty of the journey
It's forgotten how easy it is to give up
How easy it is to judge
Constantly looked down upon for things out of my hands
But the number of misdealt cards in the past doesn't control future bets
It just strengthens the desire to win

And that, Life
Is my choice

I've never wanted to roll over and die though I admit there're been mornings I rolled over and cried at the thought of ever getting up again
But I did
Low as rock bottom on the ocean floor but refusing to be swept away with the tide
I stopped living in pointing blame on trivial irrelevant things
And slowly broke the chip off my shoulder that was a mile wide
Though sometimes I still feel it's phantom weight
Taunting me about the things I cant
And I never had the choice
I couldn't pick where I came from, how I was raised, who raised me, I can't control the missed opportunities my upbringing has denied me, or the battle scars my past gave me
But finally living instead of existing?

That is my choice.
Heather Sarrazin Nov 2014
Pondering ways to escape
Trying to stop my mind from mulling over the ways that I'm trapped
In this cage of circumstance
Brain bruised from overthinking
Waking up in the middle of the night heart beating faster than cars speeding on the freeway
I dreamt again about leaving
But it's not so simple
Reality is harsher than a dream
Glimpses of wishes behind closed eyelids don't mean a thing
When truth forces you to take in the facts surrounding you
I'm stuck
The merest wish upon a star is irrelevant if the sky is starless  
I find myself looking left and right for guidance
Looking up to stop to the tears from falling and looking down in case they do
I have no clue
How to unbury my feet from the mud
Caked up from years of second guessing
And worrying if what I did would be enough
Tired of waking up disappointed as realization hits like a newly bloomed flower being crushed by the weight of a brick
When I understand my dream is just a dream
And I haven't yet been given the key
To unlock my happiness .
Your body screaming out in pain
The malevolent flame in your eyes
The decadence you taste
The death you reek of
You're petrified in malice
The god of your own demise
I hope you're happy now
Knowing you ruined a life
You never knew was worth living
Heather Sarrazin Nov 2014
Tick. Tick.
The minutes went by since you read my message
And the excuses I could've told myself diminished
You're weren't busy. You simply weren't worried
With responding to someone as unimportant as me
We're not a thing
And perhaps I'm dumb for thinking we were
That I possibly broke free of the hell called the friend zone  
And I was someone you couldn't live out
I'm not that to anyone  
Replaceable yet reliable
Here when you need to be pulled out of the darkness
Or have a light shone on your self assurance
Either way
If I can be needed for once
I will
This is just a draft. There's more to this, just can't write for crap today.
Heather Sarrazin Oct 2014
This year marks my seventeenth birthday .
But I have 7 times that many scars
Some that mar the surface of my skin
The uglier ones being the ones buried within
That were cut with the shards of glass that fill my lungs as every breath scrapes across the barely beating drum of my heart
Creating slicing pain with every pump
Drowning from the inside out
I'm steadily sinking with each day passing
My ears ringing , yet my face smiling
Nobody will know I wasn't fine until it's too late

Sixteen years, 5 attempts
Three of which came after realizing my dad will never quit
Drinking heavily from an aluminum can
Making it impossible for us to swim
As he drowns his unknowns
Covering the floor of this place given the name of a home with a mix of eggshells and scorn that we must walk on  
Biting my lip so hard that it stings to avoid a lash at my already low self esteem
All for simply voicing my opinion
On the list of unending responsibilities
Thrown at me by parents who play the role of a **** up better than myself  
Becoming numb to my situation
Bottling up the turmoil of emotions, and holding it inside like poison
My family determined to keep the illusion of happy
We're not.
And I can't remember the last time I truly was

I've experienced the pain of a razor blade
On and off again since 6th grade
I've known Pills, cuts, and knives
The pain of Daggers flying from eyes of people who were supposed to love me
Judgment coming from the ones who didn't know anything of me
Cliches of strength I threw into the faces of ones I loved
Could do nothing to degrade the hurt at the words I heard
Sixteen years of constant battering, harshly shining the light on the same insecurities
I heard countless times before
Some being screamed from the other side of my door
The truth blurting from people's lips before they even talked to me
Hiding the marks not with long sleeves
But with a convincing smile and a bubbly personality
All the while crying myself to sleep every night, repeating meaningless words to convince myself I'd be alright
Because it just had to be true.
No one's ever suspected a thing.
No one's ever knew

Almost seventeen years.
And I can only count on one hand
How many people I know who would truly give a ****
If I actually had the guts to go through with it all
Putting myself out of this hell I've been in ever since I became old enough to see the flaws in everything
That involves me and my existence
Saying **** it to this way of living
If I can't escape it, I won't live it.
And sometimes I doubt the chance of me leaving
Even though my heart want to hold on to the hope

As I blow out my candles on my cake and make a wish
Plastered smile on my face, my head filled with anger, sadness, and guilt
I wish that I could ******* disappear
And look around at everyone who's happy for me.
This was supposed to be helpful to me.
If anything, it made me more depressed.
Heather Sarrazin Oct 2014
White walls surrounding
Crushing creativity without a sound
No one to push for diversity
In an environment where we're bound to be plain
Blandness depriving
Minds from thriving
Albino cells designed to keep one sane
Clearly violence is induced by paint
Maybe its designed to keep minds numb
To deny the opportunity of realizing what one can become
Instead creating the illusion your best isn't enough
Mirroring the image of our predicted fate to come
A classroom a prison all in its own  
Making it inevitable to settle into this world we were thrown
Into, some of us as soon as we were even born
Prejudging. Assuming
Before they even know our name
Relating crimes of poverty to an innocent face
Because That's the Way We Were Raised
Sentenced to fail
By the Judgement of society that says
We won't be anything because we were born into nothing
Somebody should should share the fact it's a choice to become something
Looking down on us, barely masking their disdain
The pity they feel marking their face like a stain
I will be something
Breaking free from the shackles that were latched on my feet
When the system started controlling how educators teach
Controlling my mind
Refusing to be a puppet of my circumstances
A dummy without views
Politely tell the system when you see them
I went above all their rules
I don't know where most of this came from. I added it to an older poem
Heather Sarrazin Oct 2014
What you told me was it will be okay
But you didn't say
All the things that made you think that way
Made you so confident in my place
In this world
When I'm just passing through
Temporary yet permanent  
Like the feelings I have for you
Letting go, but maintaining a hold
Gripping my heart, but never letting go
I smile and reply
I'll be fine
When I know it's the oldest line
Ever told
But a lie that I tell well
It's too much to ask you to be a friend
In a time of my need
Your more concerned with your image
What it'll mean to be seen with me
You rather offer empty lines of assurance
But your not sure if it's worth it
To risk your reputation for someone like me
Undeserving of the tiniest affection
But you can tell me it'll be okay
As you read the expression on my face
And overlook the years of buried pain
I get tired of people assuming I have no problems and I get annoyed sometimes when they know I do, yet I hate pretending I'm happy all the time.
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