Love #1
He liked me, i liked him.
This lasted for a while.
Summer came, he left.
He got a girlfriend, and forgot about me.

The next school year,
We made eye contact in the hall all the time
He texted me and apologized
I forgave him
and when he and his girlfriend were over
He came running back to me
I welcomed him with open arms.
This only lasted part of the summer.
Things were getting tense
and we stopped contacting each other.

A year later
When i was "talking" to someone new
He apologized again
I think he was jealous, to be honest.

We never spoke again.


Love #2
I thought he was cute
I only fantasized about him liking me
Then it came true
He pursued me, and i liked it.
We went on a date before our first date

He held my hand that day
and forced his lips upon mine.
Not how i imagined my first kiss.

We went on dates
but stayed in the car most of the time
I thought i could control things
and not go too far.
I tried to stop multiple times
yet somehow he just kept enticing me.
After he got what he wanted (not what you are thinking)
He dumped me.
He said we could still be friends
but i mean, that was unrealistic.

We never spoke again.


Love #3
He makes me happy
We are best friends
He held my hand at the beach
and kissed me on the cheek.
That was only for one day.

We continued to be best friends
We went out by ourselves and
he made no indication that we were more than friends.
Weeks went by.

Then after our AP test we went to eat together.
We also went on an adventure.
That was the best day of my life.
We went up a mountain and went on a little hike.
It was hailing and we were sitting close under a towel for protection.

That would have been the perfect time to kiss me.
But he didnt.
And i respect that.

He takes things slow
unlike Love #2.
patience means you're in it for the long run.
Things are going well
and I think we could actually have a good future together.
Im excited for it, love.

I do not know who I am and there's really nothing sadder than this,
especially when people are constantly questioning you about who you want to be and you don't know what to say or how to act.

I can hardly keep my thoughts together, I don't know how to put them in order. And I--
I am losing myself everyday as I give everything my utmost devotion,
only to find out that I have not been given any in return. 

At this hour of night, I feel empty and useless.
And it's probably true that this tear-stained sheet of paper I'm embedding my thoughts in will mean more to me than I ever did to anybody.

And it's sad because I could never blame them. 
There isn't a specific character that is outshining the radiance of others to love. 
There aren't anymore dreams, or hopes, or hobbies to hold on to. 

Everything is a lie. My entire being is a lie. 
I am caught at intersection point, 
attempting to busy myself by etching out words on the graveyard.

"Come be my savior."
You are not there, and you will never be.
You, my darling, are a lie as well. 

I am not able to kick, or writhe, or scream,
for I am trying to jot down what I'm thinking.
And sometimes when you don't know what you're thinking or why you're thinking,
you just remain completely frozen, with your breath ****** straight out of your lungs 
by those you love the most. 

I can never rely on anyone. 
Nobody cares about you no matter how much they state they do.
They are all a lie, too. 

I am immortal, and I am utterly dead.
I can hardly feel my fingertips at the touch of this pen 
as I am encompassed by a numbness so cold it burns.
For I am a lie, as well.

Love its essence doth change
becoming sweetened,
mellow with age.