be aggressive with your love babe
i need you to demand
be harsh with your affection
it's the only way i'll understand

I am exhausting.
The evidence is in my mother's eyes,
The tensing of shoulders when I call my partner pretty,
The tortured yes when I ask to see my friends,
The disappointed sigh when I am excited about books and movies.
It's in my father's voice when he asks about my faith
when they ask why I can't just be content.
It's in the way I hear them argue about me,
It is in the way I am never enough until I am too much,
Never enough to convince my father to go to therapy,
Never enough to be the one protected from books,
Never enough to be believed,
And then I am too much,
Drowning everyone around me,
Selfish, dark, a ruiner,
Screaming to be cared for,
Screaming to be listened to.
I stopped asking, I stopped showing my want
Tugging knees to myself to be less,
Sparing cash and care when I'm broke and tired,
And you ask why, why, why,
But I can't explain cause you never listened in the first place.

I said it in moments of crisis,
But never when you wished or wanted.
Always to your shut door.
Admittedly, never looking into your irises.

I will always think of the things I lack.
Always wonder if you felt anything at all.
Always wonder what you thought.
Those times you didn’t say it back.

sometimes at my most suicidal
i get premonitions
and experience memories from the future
whether its months or years ahead
i get a sneak peak
that lets me know i'm not going to die soon
its disappointing now
relieving later
and scary
when i have no more visions
to look forward to
to still experience

A woman on the walk
chews on a white gap
that hovers in the tree.

A fleet of dead clouds,
dull gummy bumps,
reflect our hunched signals.

Even the road is false,
a mouth of crushed oil husks
that eats our fried blood.

This all collects into an afternoon
of chemical mistakes.
Thoughts that spongily refold.

We're reading with flashlights
under a shared blanket of grief,
eyes shining; incandescent wax.

you're too good for me
I know I'm wrong for saying this

I should get out of your way
you didn't give me time
I am dizzy in love

deep down I know
there's no beginning to this love story

you won't look back for me
tossed to the side
there's more important things to do

I'm going to say it
there's no stopping me

....

it's okay if you don't feel the same
we will forever be best friends

I will try my best to smile
if you ever to try to find me
I'll be here