Remembering the first time you kissed me kinda hurts
Because you never asked if I wanted it
It's strange that where we came from is a place of such pain
Such malice and misunderstanding
The floor there is still stained from my tears
Same with your pillow cases
And my old tee shirts
     (do you remember the first time you cried on me?)
I do

I visit sometimes
Lay down in the soft embrace of your cat haired covered sheets
     (we have the same sheets)
Close my eyes and feel your weight
I don't resent you anymore
I never would've resented you if I'd known you back then
But I didn't
I knew black slacks
An Iron Maiden tee
     (I have the same one)
A [REDACTED] license plate

I open my eyes and
You walk in with a pizza
     (Dominos, they had a 50% promotion)
It has sausage and spinach on your half
Mushrooms and green olives on mine
I'm glad I know you now

if you take all my sheets off,
& say the worst things in the dark
i can learn to find some rest, knowing
i won‘t love you any less.
even when i’m mad and blue,
and say the same things back to you,
pack your things and leave a mess
knowing, i won’t love you any less.
& when i hold on much too tight and
cling to all the what-if/mights,
even when you don’t pass my tests,
i won’t love you any less.
if you forget how i feel and turn
away to something “real”,
i hope you’ll remember how i felt, but
i won’t love you any less, i guess,
because of all the ways i’ve loved,
and all the ones that i let run,
i take a breathe, and beat my chest, cause
i won’t love you any less.

the neighbors
peonies are
unfurling
but not ours

the rhodies on main street
are starting to fade
but the in-laws’ row
is in full explosion of color
the one we planted
was taken out by a deer

the blackberry bushes
likely won’t give us
fruit this year
and the peach tree died

but the wild
strawberries
are creeping
through the lilies
of the valley and
towards the mint patch

and every day i look
out my living room
window and am
grateful

admiring the perfect
division of crab grass
down the property line
at least i’ll never
have pedestal planters
full of ornamental grass
or pesticide notices
sent to my neighbors

it can be
bittersweet
admiring someone
else’s garden
when yours
doesn’t look the same

but you have to
work with what you’ve got
and trying to fight nature
is a losing battle

they say to bloom
where you’re planted
but they leave out
a crucial part

some people
don’t bloom

some people
spread
some people
trail
some people
vine
some people
reach

not everyone can
bloom on their own
some people have to
have help to get
dug up in the fall
or fertilized in the spring

some people
do better
in container gardens
some people
are invasive
and need pulling back

and i wish
someone had told me
that it’s less
important to
bloom where you’re planted
and far better
to stop
comparing your
garden
to someone else’s

Like Schrödinger's Cat
Love is too large
To quantify in contradictions
Like the cat in the box
In it's superposed zombie state
I too can't determine
If our love is alive or dead
And like the cat,
In reality it cannot be both
But I think I'll leave it
Forever in this zombie state
Of unknown perpetual mystery

For I cannot uncover
What I've already buried

Loving you
is knowing I'll have to let you go someday

Loving you
is accepting heartbreak

Loving you
is bearing the weight of our end
and bearing it gladly

Loving you
is crying in your arms
my ears full of your soft comforting words
my head full of wondering
when I'll hear your voice for the last time

Loving you
is that crushing feeling
that knot that forms in my throat
when I think about you not loving me anymore

Loving you
is knowing you'll find someone else someday
and love them how you loved me

Loving you
is picturing your wedding day
putting myself in the place of a bride
I know I won't be

Loving you
is begging the world with all of my soul
that I get to love you as long as I can

Loving you
is facing a world after you

Loving you
is kissing you on the cheek
one last time

Loving you
darling
is letting you go