It's usually over some random breakfast date that you ask me why I love you. For some reason I can't ever answer you. With my shaky voice and trembling hands, I open my mouth and like a drought, nothing spills out. Don't think my heart doesn't feel for you or my soul doesn't ache at 3AM, when I'm left with nothing but your scent as I roll over.

When I was 5, I put myself in between an argument that my parents were having. When I asked, I was told, "We're not fighting baby, we're just talking loud. Everything's fine." The next morning my father was gone. Everything's fine. Five years later I finally was able to read between the lines. And a blade was finally between my veins.

Don't think my stomach doesn't flutter for you. The first guy that made my stomach turn told me he loved me. He whispered such sweet words into my ear. Shortly after, I realized my stomach was only turning because he repeatedly began to kick it in. "Do you still love me?" He chuckled so much, it was only a year later I found myself chuckling when I was in pain.

Don't think my body doesn't yearn for your touch. Like . . . Like how your hands ring around my neck while you love me. It was only a couple months later trying to swallow all those pills set my throat on fire. I looked in the mirror and just laughed. Silly little girl, you don't belong in this world. Having fingers down my throat wasn't my idea of sunshine.

Don't think my fingers trace your veins for no reason. The first guy I fell in love with, traced dotted lines around my heart. I guess it made it that easier for him to rip it out. That Autumn I spent downing bottles of alcohol or in bed. Reality didn't seem to exist. The only words I could recite were, "I want to die." Oh boy, did I.

You see, don't think I don't love you. I do. Baby, I'm in love with you, and the way your eyes turn honey brown in the sun. I find myself waist deep in your sea, but I'm not drowning. Instead, admiring the small island in the distance, and how I love you dearly. Adore every goose-bump and birthmark. Swim away with me my love.

I don’t remember what color my walls are
and It seems like I can’t breathe anymore
I don’t know what’s taking you so long

I thought you’d come right back.
patience was never me and while,
I’m missing you, I can’t stop crying

and the sky isn’t blue no more
I can’t stop dreaming about you,
only to reach over and find an empty space

Mama told me boys aren’t worth it
but only if she knew what I’d do for you
she’d be sure of it too.

my body seems to stay numb,
I might be losing it
my stomach doesn’t flutter,
and my fingers don’t tingle

my eyes don’t sparkle,
and my heart seems
to beat at a normal pace.
I seem to still miss you.