I bit open a lie and it tasted like you.

I want to see my muscles and bones
I want to see the tissues that make up
this fractured body
I want to write my favorite
poems on the insides of my eyelids
so I see beauty when I blink
I want to unzip my skin and shake off the dust
gathered from years of being
unused and untouched
I want to inspect myself on the inside
to see my body work together when my brain sleeps
coauthoring my breath
instructing me to keep living.
I want to see the make up of me
and try to retrace my muscle memory into something new
string my tendons into bows
wrap my veins into vines around my mothers' garden
so she sees the tattered reasons why I can't help her bloom.
I want to see if there's more to me
or less of me
most importantly I want to see if you're still carved into my stomach
knots leaving scars.
I'm curious
if my insides are more beautiful than my outside

When you ask of me, why poetry
I'm not sure you understand
That it's the center of my universe
The very depth of who I am

The molecules in the air I breath
Oxygen pulsing through the veins
The storm brewing beneath the surface
The pounding of the rain

It's the timeless anticipation
Of the thought that's yet to come
The tearing open of life's seam
The beating of the drum

The first peak of the desert flower
When it feels the gentle touch of spring
The smile in the eyes of a child
And all the joy it brings

The in and out of the tide
In the pulling of the waves
When you ask of me, why poetry
What more is there to say

looking inward,
there is water running rampant ~
crashing
   blasting
roaring through the canyons of my mind

white frothing fingers claw at the banks of my soul like a searing liquid metal
(and I wonder, in my dream state; "since when is water hot?")

I drown;
    gasping....
losing the wind and reaching for light
knowing...somewhere there is calm
    hidden cavern
               space of quiet spirit
my eyes ever searching for that slow pool

so I can lean in and
take
a drink
of
me....

The wave,
Not slow, not rolling,
All the sudden crashing,
Crashing over me, All of me

It's this day
There's a feeling about it
One all its own
It holds the truth...
You're gone

I walk, ever so steady
One foot in front, then switch
A concentration...Just to not fall
Past concrete and marble,
To one etching

This one etching
Not only engraved in stone,
But the most in my mind
A name, a few dates
The last date lining up
With the day my wave hit

The rain sinks into cotton
Drenching my shoulders, my heart
I stand, I'm still, I weep
Weep with the rain.

My sorrow,
My maddness
Is not because of you.
No, it's because of
The absence of you

Retrace my steps
No looking back
My moan marking your eternal place
I'm done tumbling through the water
Though I still can not find breath

Everything else today
Everything felt, everything thought,
All took flight
Because all that matters
Is I miss you.
I love you.
And...
I can never have you.

This wave, this wave I feel
Swept you away with the tide
No sweet endings,
No goodbyes.

Today, I remember
Times fought, and times lost
On this day, I remember you
Your lovely, smiling face
But the wave will wash that smile
Maybe from the sand,
But not from my heart.
Never this heart.