He doesn't know how radiant she looks when she smiles

He doesn't know how her craziest ideas are the reason for such good memories we all have

She looks strong to everyone
She doesn't think she is
but she just doesn't know how strong she is.

He doesn't know the bitter taste he left on her lips while he left.

She becomes stronger by the day
She feels compelled to go back to her comfort zone
Where he could be
But I won't let her

I won't let her settle for less than she deserves
because she shines so much brighter than she knows
but he's too blind to see
too young to care

Because to him diamonds are just rocks
but to us diamonds are crafted so carefully
with love and time


And she's just like that
crafted with love and time
mistakes and heartbreaks


In the driver seat of a car
she screams the lyrics to her favorite songs
and this car has witnessed so many long talks
and so many tears
and so many heart to hearts
and all of that could never go away

And if you look closely at diamonds
they shine in a million little lights and colors
and it would be too sad not to love and appreciate that in the amazing person she is

and that's a beautiful, tragic , love

and she deserves all of the love in the world

I regret not saying goodbye to you
Or seeing you before that happened
My last hello could have been my goodbye
I hadn’t seen you in a month
I did talk to you on the phone
From far away, I thought you were okay.
You said it loud and clear
“Those are my last few days”
And I would say, of course not
It was delusional
How we think that life is infinite
That someone is immortal
I don’t know if I said that to console you,
Or myself
I don’t know, now remembering
If it was okay not to cry when you really,
Were gone.
I don’t know what it’s all about;
Life,
Death.
What do we do with it?
I don’t understand.

They described you to me,
On a hospital bed
How sad, how surreal,
So pale, but rosy cheeks and a smile
Are all that I could see.
I didn’t want to visit you in that same hospital bed,
You were in a few months ago.
I was scared I wouldn’t believe it.
I had already gotten to the point,
Even before you were gone,
You were gone
I knew it was going to happen.

I knew I wanted to speak at your funeral,
But didn’t
I knew I wanted closure.

In a grave they dug you.
4AM and your last breath was taken
On a Saturday, I woke up to wear black
To hear my brother cry
For the very first time.

Sitting in a hall where all people cried
Came up to me to tell me
“She’s really gone, isn’t she?’
And I would nod in patience and hug her sisters, her children;
My uncle, my aunts,
My father.
My father whose reaction I didn’t understand
His mother, just gone,
Not a tear in his eye.
In black he was suited
And in black I remain

I did not cry, because I couldn’t.
Was he not crying to be strong?
After all, he was strong.

My mother stood in the middle.
I remember she was crying.
Not her mother, maybe.
But her best company for 20 years,

I remember every bit of it,
Every second,
Every time I ran out trying to tell myself,
That it couldn’t be real,
Every time I stood at the grave,
With the family name
Every time I didn’t really have a choice,
But to smile.
I tried to show how I felt,
But it’s not like that.
It’s not easy trying to be strong,
It’s not easy saying someone got taken away from you.

16 years with me,
And on the 1st of September 2013,
I could hear the bells ring in the morning.
8AM here we are.


*Because I never got to say goodbye, because I never got a chance to show you how much you mean to me. I’m really sorry for  not being there when you probably wanted me to.
May you sleep in ever peace. Rest your shoulders and close your eyes for heaven has taken your soul to pass.

let me introduce you to my dearest friends,
addiction;
sweet serenity
pain and passion
desire and love,
depression;
sadness and melancholia
nostalgia
the weight of the world bringing you down
the thoughts about yourself
anxiety;
your fast heartbeats
your breathless minutes
the time you think it's over for you
when you close your eyes
you're ready to say goodbye
the feeling of never being good enough.
i have those vices, i have those problems
end up crying in the middle of the night,
hoping no one hears a sound.
trying to make everything better by believing
it would get better
giving myself hope
when there could be none.
i have died so many times
inside of my head
i have tried too many times
to get out of my head
but it never seems to work
now let me introduce you to my worst enemy;
time.
ticking by so fast,
taking every breath of mine
ticking too slow,
when pain knocks on my door
letting the nights of happy moments pass by
and the night of suffering endless
but a second is always a second,
and a minute a minute
and time will tic-toc
tic-toc
till you run out of heartbeats,
happy or not
but it's all in your head
when you take your moments too fast and too slow,
it's all in your head when time passes by so quickly
it's all in your head when you die before you do.

but is what's in your head real?
because reality doesn't exist
and nothing else does,
everything is how we create it and see it
nothing is too real to our eyes and nothing is too surreal.

i know i think too much,
maybe it's because i think too much
that i have so many vices
and fears
but to get rid of those,
you'd have to give up thinking,
would you?

Tonight,
I'll pretend I'm drunk.
That way, they'll excuse my sadness.
Tonight I drown in regrets,
in my shower,
in the blood on my arms.
Tonight, I'll laugh hysterically
at all the pain
at everything that hurt me.
Tonight,
my skin won't ever feel the same
my lips won't ever taste the same.
Tonight all smiles will fade away
Blame? Shame? Fear? Pity?
No.
Surrender.

i want you to twist me around like your worst nightmare
i want you to whisper in my ear all the bad things you'd do to me
please put your hand in my hair and pass it on to my neck, my arm, my waist.
please whisper in my ear
and don't tell me you love me
i know that's a lie
yes you'll leave in the morning
i know it, i know you too well
i'm addicted
you leave and i come back
kiss me like you've never kissed anyone before
throw me up on a wall
and say her name
so i kick you out
and cry myself to sleep
while i slowly crawl back to your side of the bed
and smell the sheets
while i knock on your door
and you pull me closer
addiction,
what a word
pure pleasure
more and more
guilt crawls through me
but i want you so much

I am bound to sadness,
like Dorian Gray,
was bound to his beauty.
It seems to me, that every time I try,
It gets harder to turn back,
to the person I used to be.
Innocence disappeared,
and this world is a cruel place to live in.
All it does is just break me down,
bone after bone.
I have become addicted to sadness,
because happiness doesn't seem normal.
But what's normal anyway,
when they say it is the best of worlds,
but we know nothing of others,
or when it's simply not true.
I die everyday a little.
I cry a little more everyday,
into ashes those tears will turn.
Best friend and worst enemy,
loneliness and sadness,
come together as one.
This is probably what I deserve,
and how I should live
and die

Dear lover,
I found you alone on a sidewalk,
on a rainy september day.
I found you reading poetry.
We both liked poetry.
This is probably why I'm writing to you.
When I was a child,
heaven was a dream,
a star, very far from us.
Dear lover,
After that day in the storm,
After I walked with you,
hand in hand
on that sidewalk
and we danced
to the teardrops falling from the sky,
I have realised the beauty of things.
After that day in the rain,
you were happy,
only for a short while.
But every night you'd cry
and call.
'i love you'
'goodbye'
All is grey, have we lost everything.
goodbye rainy day
goodbye new dawn
Dear lover,
beauty dripped from your eyes.
You are sunshine
and rainy day.

Do you see him behind the camera?
So handsome,
Painting you delicately,
Looks right into you so passionately,
Effortlessly puts his hair back
I could see how nervous he was,
by just the way he walks
here and there
around the room.
Do you see the way he looks at you?
Yes, the way he looks at you,
Like you're some work of art
Not in picture
But in flesh and bone
Every look is every touch
every touch he places on your body
Do you see him?
So flawless behind that camera,
Rolling his eyes every time he asks you to stand still.
How he just looks to the side
Do you see how badly I've fallen for him?
Am I a liar? A sinner?
But am I a tear on his cheek?
I have fallen for every part of his brain,
Every perception of his,
Every look I wish I was given.
Dangerous affliction,
Beautiful affection,
Locate yourself into every breath that I take,
Hold me by the neck
And deprive me of oxygen
Glad my last breath,
Was in your hands.

As I stand in the flashing city lights,
I feel the earth move under my feet.
This is my home,
My beautiful home.
As the world stumbles upon
the horrors they see on TV,
I stand still,
My home,
My beautiful home.
I whisper to myself,
Everything will be alright,
I whisper to you,
Like a mother singing a lullaby;
Beyrouth,
My dearest Beyrouth,
One day.
One day, you'll see your wonders,
One day, your children will be here
One Day, they'll come back,
For you.
Beyrouth, Beyrouth,
You old soul,
You beautiful mind,
Stand still.
We are here.

do you ever feel worthless?
because i do.
all the time.
have you ever head someone say
"you're never coming to anything"
have you heard them say
"poor parents of hers"
behind your back?
because i have.
and it *****
welcome to the inner-workings
of my mind.
do you feel sorry for me?
because i don't
nothing really matters to me anymore
i have forgotten what feelings were
it's so easy to ear a mask
my true friends
they're here
i don't need your pity and sorries
darling, all i need,
is to be left alone
left alone to close my eyes
left alone to forget,
to forget to breathe.

my mind is an ocean
and i am lost at sea
my boat doesn't float
and there is no mayday signal to send
they say the captain goes down with the ship
and if my body goes down
my soul will leave it be
sleep in the middle of the ocean
with the rest of the treasures
lost at sea

i fall too fast
too hard
i get attached
and think there is no one for me in this world
other than him
then i get heartbroken
hurt bad
realise that i was wrong
there is
and it goes around
the same circle
the same feeling
another him

“So this is the end of you and me
We had a good run and I'm setting you free
To do as you want, to do as you please
Without me”

I just look up the sky and stare at the fireworks with such passion.
They fascinate me.
Sometimes it feels like they’re just like us.
It feels in one moment that they’re eternal just like us.
We’re somehow, somewhere, eternal.
Just right then in the middle of it, it feels eternal,
then everything all the little sparks that we felt
all the sparks that we were
fade into the darkness
and we realise that just as those fireworks
we die,
we fade into the dark,
we’re remembered for some time and then we’re forgotten.
But some of us are an eternal spark,
eternal firework
just like the first firework in history
or the biggest fireworks ever made,
we’re eternal,
we’re remembered,
we’re important,
never forgotten.
We’re just like those fireworks,
sparks that die.

August the 16th 2013

i like artists
artists of all kinds
artists of words
artists of colour
artists of thoughts
they're the civilisation
they're the world
they're the visionaries
the children
the lovers
the hearts of gold
an artist is the one with the voice
the radiance of the sun
the summer in your eyes
the lover in disguise
the hurt in the dark
the tears and the smiles
an artist hides deep down
the one who lives in pain and shame
they say artists will never survive
i say artists are the reason we're still alive