i want our story to be that we were so crafted for each other
that when a heavy rain of feelings poured through our umbrellas
both of us were soaked, falling for each other like a summer storm.

My eyes are  getting heavy as the nostalgia settles in
Nothing new, same routine
Images of you creeping beneath my skull
Memories invading my sanity
Hours pass by and I didn't even realize
Devoted to keeping "us" alive when I'm not even relevant and you still don't have a clue.

your lips spoke the words that have spent so long  slamming against my throat
and for that beautiful moment my whole world clicked
- only to collapse again once i woke up.

10 years of finger nail biting
5 years spent hating myself
4 years of self harming
2 years waiting for you to come back
1 and a half years of cigarette smoking

I'll never overcome the worst addiction of all of them

Whether you find your own personal escape in
The alcohol you poison your body with,
The pills you lose your mind in,
The blade you lack control of,
The hope you’ll someday lose,
The person who will leave you soon,
We all have something that brings us a blind joy,
Something that allows us to find inner peace.
Allows us to escape the imprisoning thoughts that tears us down.
It all creates this world away from ourselves,
Helps make living with the thought of whatever is bothering us somewhat manageable.
But at the same time it destroys us in different ways.
We depend on it,
We suffer more without it,
We fall deeper and deeper into these salivations
We lose ourselves and who we are completely.
And yet we think its better to be fooled with these mind controlling substances of happiness
Than to just suffer day by day with reality

The path of this waterfall is abruptly misdirected by the boulders that have been placed throughout her destination
Where is she going ? She's crashing, her smooth flow is screaming because of these obstacles that she slithers and forms around, she still has a place to be
She flows until she can't anymore; what determines her arrival ? Where does the water lead once it falls? Where is she going? She doesn't know but she keeps flowing
She's screaming and no one can make out what she's saying because she's crying violently and that pain flows past them
they just hear her noise as a faint distraction in the distance because they cant stop and open their ears to actually listen
Appreciate the beauty because it always comes with pain
And her pain is aspiration to flow throughout the day
I'm watching these rocks, her water smashes against them violently she wants them to move but she's not dense enough to push them out of her way and they can't move because their placement too has a purpose that is meant to guide her away but instead she keeps heading in her straight shoot path, she's just adapted to avoiding the misconception
I can see the way these rocks have manipulated her path, im watching, and parts of her flow to a dead end
the water is still and the forces used to keep her pushing through has worked against her to interrupt her journey but she's fighting through and she's battling to get to where she needs to be
She doesn't know where, it's clear to see but she knows she needs to get somewhere and although parts of her have been abandoned and have settled and stopped rushing she aches to keep going and that determination keeps her flowing

I've come to realize those feelings were not love
It was a 6 month attachment
To the late night conversations
Lingering hugs
And waves of your scent
The "I love you"'s
And "baby, I need you"'s
I just craved your affection
And fed off your passion
Love hungry and selfish
That's all I was to you.

I'm sorry I made you love me
And for the sake of your heart I would take it all back
Every word falsely spoken
Every kiss of poison I gave to you
Every last second of us I would take back
Instead of 6 months of wasted time

i don't understand it, but i get it
maybe its from lack of self respect.
am i another disposable?
you're the most complex, fascinating human
lots of layers, but i've barely seen the surface
i crave to know you past the flesh.

i can settle for company, false intimacy.
i know im boring and anxious always
but you do mean a lot.
we can go somewhere only we know
see new things together
or something.
i dont know.

Those who the serpent chooses to attack will understand the reasoning as to why the crimson blade calls out our name at night
And why the blood shed is the only way to keep the voices down to a  dull roar opposed to violent screaming
Only those who have faced the demons and monsters which draw us to this powerful addiction won't ask for explanations when things go bad at 3am

Inevidently, I should have realized that I couldn't swim
After nearly drowning time and time again
No life preserver
Just the cold, unforgiving  waves crashing over me
I can only hold my breath for so long

The darkness where the serpent lurks attracts me
Crimson blades calling out my name
I'm just letting my veins get some air, they're looking blue

i have tried more than enough methods to remove you from my system but they were all useless
i cant destroy you inside me without destroying myself completely.

I was never anyone's first choice,
Or second. Or third.  
But eventually down the line I was a choice. Whether it be for a few weeks or just a night, sometimes I was relevant.
I was relevant to different guys. Different times. Different nights.
I was never as relevant to them as they were to me.
He was older, approximately 4 years. I was a freshman in high school, no one trusted my decisions and everyone doubted my mindset.  I knew what was going on.  I fell in love.  He is the most mysterious human I've ever had the privilege of spending my summer with.  He sets the bar high and no one has reached it.  He forever has  his own place in my heart. Oddly enough, two years later he's still the one.
He was self destructive.  I liked him a lot because he was happy but also screaming for help.  He was lost and love was his map. He used others as medicine and when he didn't have that medicine he would panic, I would be his off switch.  He kissed me for the first time at a rock concert.  I stood in his flannel crying and the bittersweet taste of his breathe took mine away. He got admitted into the hospital for a suicide attempt. I waited for 2 months and 3 days for him to come back, he returned with a girlfriend.
He was a drug fiend and I just wanted attention. That line of blow or the next deal always came before me.  Eventually I wanted to be apart of his world.
Pills and pills and pills
that was my summer rhythm.  Day in day out, blow and lies.  I dealt with it at first for the love, and then exchanged it for a line.
He was by far the hardest person to love, and I enjoyed it. Drugs and liquor and blurred out nights. Cigarette smoke infused in his clothes and ***** in his words. We both ended up in the hospital together and he got admitted into rehab.  It was 5 months until I saw him again after that night. 5 months of putting my life on hold, and then he left me. I let him use me for 6 months after that.  Always on call whenever, because I truly loved him.  I would settle for temporary love that I thought I deserved.

The last thing he said to me was
"We should wait until you're older. I love you." "Don't **** yourself." "You've hurt me for the last time." "I don't ******* know anymore."

Out of all of these experiences and downfalls lessons, there's still one person I can't forget. I wouldn't want to if I could.

you were the rain, always falling when you weren't suppose to
i watched you wash away smiles and flood entire parades
like the rain you kept me indoors,
you were never really my type of weather

Twitched strings, the clang of metal, beaten drums; dull, shrill, continuous, disquieting. The stealthy dancer comes undulant with cat-like steps that cling. The smile of evil crept between her painted lids, a smile. Motionless, unintelligible, she twines her fingers into mazy lines, the scarves across her fingers twine the while.
One, two, three, four glide forth, and, to and fro, delicately and imperceptibly.
You could hear the seraphs cry in between the swift dessous topped off with a jeté.
The observers watched every move, they have no idea what the young coryphée has in store.
A crimson blade covered her legs during every hypnotizing glide and sway; a matching blade for every female in the assembly, they wouldn't move from their spots on stage. They formed a pentagram with their swords; they were each so beautiful. So mesmerizing for the crowd to be graced with such pure refinement. The lead dancer gave a gesture and that's when it happened.
The girls twirled, gravitated away from their positions. Blood covers the entire floor like the rain falling; drenching the ground, dark red blood seeps into the nice hardwood floor. A body lays dead and bled out. They compiled a dance of death and evil, every pirouette sliced into the already rotted flesh. Slabs of skin thrown across the platform, horrified viewers didn't speak. Gruesome, yet beautiful. They finished and returned to their previous, assigned places of formation and the only sound is that of the maggots eating away at the rotting flesh, swallowing bites at a time adding more to the foul smell of decay.
The eyes burned onto the stage, heat built up. No one said a word; no one knew what they were suppose to say. Is it all an act? It must be, these things don't just happen, right? A few vomited because of the gut wrenching stench that overwhelmed the room.
The dancers eyes never left the floor, she simply bowed and twirled off stage; Her legs were never visible but you could see the foot prints forming behind her, they were made from blood.

You will meet a boy and the color of his eyes will remind you of poetry.*
I loved him, purely, and unconditionally
But there’s nothing beautiful about the bruises his hands left
Or the acid in his voice that singed my temples .
There’s nothing beautiful about self destruction
There’s nothing beautiful about sleepless nights just to make your body experience deprivation
There's nothing beautiful about the stomach full of pills that replaced the well balanced meal
There's nothing beautiful about loving a narcissist.
I used to be okay with the seemingly never-ending pain of loving someone who couldn't reciprocate
I was no better than a kicked dog
Limping back with my tail between my legs, seeking a gentle touch
I spit idea of you out and the aftertaste was just as bad
You were a cascade of of destruction and i was a thrill seeker

***** you for ever saying you loved me
and for ever making me fall in love with those eyes
the words you spoke at 2am on long summer nights
***** you for ever letting me listen to your heart beat instead of the silence
and for ever kissing me at the park that unforgiving July afternoon

Even though it's not your fault I feel so deeply about you
regardless of the time apart and the dwindling conversation
regardless if over the years I've fallen and fallen out of temporary love
because I craved to fall back into your arms

You may never understand what goes on in my mind to this day when I see think or hear your name
You will never have a clue about the sick feeling  I still get when I talk to you

I wish that over the years I could have moved on so easily and met some other person who made me feel the way you still do

Unfortunately that won't ever happen and neither will we

Self esteem found in the sheets of his bed
only to diminish again once the whiskey's down
and reality creeps its way back.
He doesn't mean the **** he says
*he just likes the way you look, laying in his bed.

3:52am and i ******* miss you.

I  swear I use to be good I use to be gold I use to be good 

I don’t know what happened but something turned

I’m wired differently now

And I don’t want to

And I don’t know why

And I don’t know if it’s the red wire or blue wire

But please shut me down

I swear I use to be good

how can i pretend to compare you to things far less than you are
to the sky, the sea, the stars
they will always fall short

no, words will never explain
how i feel when i am around you

We are all kisses and touches
all lust and no words
The poetry in our veins all remains unwritten
for we are all bites and scratches
Tell me where the lines we've drawn must meet
Tell me if this love will ceaselessly walk the ways
of earth ten years from now

I keep on reminding you that inevitably
these strings inside of us will break
and we may not be able to
play the same melodies ever again

Can’t help but wonder if i'm just something to do when there’s nothing to do,
when there’s so much to do that I just come back to you*

My skin is not perfect but it is mine
and it is yours to touch and kiss and lick
and love
I am not flawless, but my flaws are yours

Told you how when you left you took away my shine
and nothing feels right now that youre not mine
and you said *i miss you
but i know youre doing just fine

she will be the moon in your sky
and i'll just be a shooting star.
i could never compete

For some reason i’ve never been able to let you go.
At first I thought it was because i was in love with you.
But when I fell out of love,
you were still tugging at my heart strings
filling my head with the image of us
and sending some nostalgia over at 3am.
And now i realize it’s because i’m terrified of losing my last piece of you,
of me.
*I want you to chose me.

i want to kiss every inch of you
and light a fire deep inside your ribs where your soul sleeps
i want to be what awakens your spirit
what sets your mind free