tall, actually,
taller than me, even.
i know.
that's ridiculous.
he's 6'3.

...

wow.

kissing him is
kinda good.
i don't have to lean over
i actually kinda hafta go up on my tippy toes

i have never felt small before.
i was the 5 foot 4th grader
"sasquatch girl"
"amazon"
"scyscraper"
"the lurch"
for crying out loud.

but he can hold me
he makes me feel special
he makes me feel
small

i just snorted the powder
from the bottom
of a sour gummy worms bag

it burns

do i pretend
like i dont know you?
do i say hello?
make a joke?

i saw you come in
and i hoped you wouldn't see me
im pretty sure you did though

everybody seems to think im going to be a huge ***** about this
but really im just confused
and sorry
and sad.

babies are manipulative as ****
these little people
that everyone sees as helpless and innocent
can bring a room of men to hysteria
i have seen fathers rip their hair out
at the idea of losing a child
grown men go to prison
for their little girls

so when this little baby cries
i don't see helplessness
i see power
being grasped and used
to survive

here goes nothing:
i still love you.
i won't drag myself around trying to get you to like me, or follow your every move like a lost puppy, but i do still care about you and would like to go back and start completely over. i think we really could be something good together. i know you could be seeing someone else, and im okay with that. i also know that you might be completely repulsed by me, and im okay with that too. i just wanted to say that if you ever wanted to try getting to know the real me, the healthier, kinder, happier me, i'd be more than okay with that.

why do i sit here
decoding and overthinking
trying so hard
to figure out
if he really likes me

why do i care
if he thinks about me
if he wants me

i try so hard
to see things the way i want them to be
not the way they are

i will not
go to you

i will not
drag myself backwards
or humiliate myself

if you ever want to talk to me
then grow a pair

because i am not going to throw myself at you
or anyone ever again

i don't hate you
but i will not
go out of my way
to see you