Hear the bass
louder louder
driving you insane

look at that fire
consuming
transforming

hellish entity
that is your
insatiable yearning
to be touched

he askin' why I ran out in the rain
can't tell him he made me feel this way again
that boy's goin' to vegas at the years end
I know he likes his thai massage with a happy end
I know if I say my soul all this will end
-- Boy you've got me turning
in circles
crazy like bipolar
red hot then an icy shoulder
lost my composure
walk home rainy night
total     exposure


I see the train coming
what if my shoes moved
I think my favorite-red-dress
would look best on the tracks

I see your past relationships
I'm gettin the scraps
you built an empire outa bricks
I got sticks
wolves come huffin' and puffin'
I let em' in for 120
you got the dough
my wallet empty
treasure the penny
livin off tips
just the tip
for an extra fifty
takeout thrifty
took a showa
I feel filthy

-- he askin' why I ran out in the rain
can't tell him he made me feel this way again
that boy's goin' to vegas at the years end
I know he likes his thai massage with a happy end
I know if I say my soul all this will end
-- Boy you've got me turning
in circles
crazy like bipolar
red hot then an icy shoulder
lost my composure
walk home rainy night
total     exposure

guess I'm looking for a little closure

too much left to interpretation
tryin to be patien
but it's got me down in the pits
these hairy pits itch
but if you need me
call me
what's the sitch
I'll be there on the fly
'cause you my only guy

in my head I'll be asking why--what who when where
but my vocal chords would never dare
afraid one word will end it all
I just want you to give me your all.

he askin' why I ran out in the rain
can't tell him he made me feel this way again
that boy's goin' to vegas at the years end
I know he likes his thai massage with a happy end


He can get whatever whenever
nervous of all the girls passin by
he got his arm around me can't see why
scared I can't match up to the pharo
feelin' like a popper in his maro
windows covered in steam
marry me
make me a queen-

-- Boy you've got me turning
in circles
crazy like bipolar
red hot then an icy shoulder
lost my composure
walk home rainy night
total     exposure

I see the train coming
what if my shoes moved
I think my favorite-red-dress
would look best on the tracks

I see the train coming
what if my shoes moved
I think my favorite-red-dress
would look best on the tracks

I see the train coming
see the train coming
see the train comin
what if my shoes moved
what if my shoes moved
my shoes moved
my favorited red dress
it looks best on the tracks

I always wondered,,,
if I could, play you a tune
and sing blue moon,
would you listen??

If my hair were a little longer
and it flowed just like hers
If my skin were only clearer
would you take photos of me,
so you can see me when I'm gone?

If I were only braver
and grabbed onto the rocks
you would see a lioness queen
hunting for your heart
If I told you what I wanted
we'd be dancing in our socks
on a rainy day we'd risk our lives
crossing the river path
I think if only I were only braver
I could climb to your height
I think if I only were only better
I'd be able to send the letter
that I wrote you for your birthday
still sitting in my desk drawer

I think if I were braver
I'd take what I want
I think if I had courage
I'd face the monsters
If I really cared about myself
I'd tell you no more
I'd tell you  you have twisted me
and made me cry
I'm not gonna keep asking why
for I think if I were more
I would leave you behind

**** me slowly
**** me softly
**** me till dirt is all I need
bury me in the company of no one
bury me in the dead of night
bury me, for my greatest sin is greed

She is glory
    the girl with dark hair
she is music
    in her red pants
she is lyrical
    twirling through the crowd
she is inspiration
    eyes closed, smiling,
she is soul
    the girl who stomps her feet

you see I get you
two times a week
if it's convenient
for you
but there are times
when it's not tuesday or friday
that I need somebody at my side
but that'll never be
for like always
you don't care for me
like I care
for you

the loneliness converged
the pain was so great
I thought
dear god
how can I let this out
and there was a silent flash
of electric blue
I look out
and in the light of the single street lamp
the sky
was crying for me

The song
playing in this cafe
is an indie movie cliche
and it makes nothing else matter
besides the empty seat in front of me
and how I wish
there a was a man in it
I could smile at
and maybe
play a little footsie

I've read adventures
heard tall tales
I've smelt the wind
at the top of mountains
I have glimpsed treasures
and jewels of glory
I have chased
the ancient fantasy,
for since I was a child,
I have dreamed of dragons,
I have dreamed,
of you.

Elusive cat eye

in the corner

notebook out

voice absent from the chatter

"she must be an artist"

                   they say

"she must be an artist"

they crowd around

         "what does it mean?"

         "what does it mean?"

a man steps forward
  
phone from pocket

         "it means this insta pic of my shoes
           will be more than fresh and clean"

There are no descriptions,
    no artist names,
         only pretty pictures
   to keep us entertained

The walls are white,
floors hardwood,
     lines painted on canvases
costing 6,000 each,
      outside
               there is trash on the street.

There is little here
in this sun-scaped city
to press a frown onto my face.
I feel free
I've lost ten pounds
my skin is smooth
I bought new fashionable clothes
and I laugh more than ever before,
and that is what people see,
will amber annex buster dani skyla rashid duane kiki chase adrianna
all these new people
who laugh at my funny name
only see this happy smiling girl
who is kind and quick to help
and make jokes
and dance
and offer advice
and yet despite the freedom I feel
it comes with equal parts guilt.
have I ever smiled so much before?
The me people meet now is so new to me
it feels like a lie
it's nice of you to ask me on a date
but how could I tell you the horrors of my past?
with all this smiling
you'd never believe the years of frowns and tears
no one would think to look for the lines where you can see my burn scars
they wouldn't look at my differently
when I trace old bruises
they don't think
to be careful when touching me
they don't have a clue
and it's all I've ever wanted
to have people think nothing is wrong
for me to be like the other girls,
but now that that's what people see,
my smiles though real
make me feel like I'm lying to everyone around me.

what's so wrong
with a moment
that  won't last long?
I avoid it like the plague
"what's the point,
there's no time for anything to happen"
time
******* time man
always against me
because I'm so ******* up
I need time
I need all the time in the world
but I know
what's happening now
cannot go on
can only last a few weeks
and thinking about it
why does it matter?
Not enough time
has always been
almost a sin
but **** that
there's no time
there's nowhere for this to go
nothing that can fix that
and you know
that's okay,
that's perfectly okay,
because it's now
and it's okay
and it's going to hurt later
but now,
just for now,
it feels good.

you passed by
like a hurricane
a tsunami following your wake,
you turned my world upside
I had no choice
but to go along for the ride,
so much happened
I thought
it must have been years
but it was only a second
that you passed me by,
in a whirlwind
so fast
so driven
you didn't notice
I slipped my heart into your pocket,
and you kept on going
leaving me behind,
forgetting...
I know not where you have gone,
but I wonder
if you ever took your hands off the beast of life
and dared to relax them in your pocket,
if you would find my heart there, still,
or perhaps it fell out
tumbled down into the bush
on one of your adventures,
lost forever,
it hurts
it hurts so bad
that you have my heart
but I do not blame you
for not giving yours in return
no,
for you didn't know I gave you mine,
to blame you would be unfair,
so I shan't tell you of the tears I've cried
from my loss
my pining
no I do not blame you
for not returning a love
you don't know begs returning.

At it's finest,

love

is a double edged sword.

Keys
Ivory fingers
pale poised
passing promptly
across the keys
of the loneliest sounding instrument.
Cold little bones
pressing
precisely picked notes.
Eyes closed
as the music carries,
for I learned this song
when I was just a little girl,
a song of loneliness
of heart ache
I learned this tune
because I lost the will
to say
   I am unhappy
   I have been used
   I long for your love
   Tell me I'm not all that my mind thinks I am
   How long shall I play this song?
Ivory fingers
pressing poorly
pastored keys
the song ages with me
it becomes slower and slower
and lighter and lighter
as the will to press the keys
as the will to express anything at all
slowly fades away
with my surrounding's discouragements,
     *how much longer will I play this song?

I asked him
how many others
he said 81
because of course
I only had the courage
to ask him in a dream
but in the dream
I leapt from the bed
I ran out the door
and cried in the dirt trails by his house
waking with a start
unsure if it really happened
knowing it HAD to happen
I had to ask that question
and stop leaving myself
letting my tears roll into the sheets
as I clutch his warm naked body
stop fooling my self
c'mon girl
you know you're nothing special
just a tight young thing
his thing
and no matter how much you daydream
it'll never be more
so stop the ******* dream
you tiresome little kid
this is real life
people are animals
and not everybody has a heart of gold
let your tears wash away
the ideas
of how you think the world works
because baby
you see the bruises on your heart
it'll only get worse from here
so pucker up butter cup
don't let yourself turn into a ****
because you want to convince yourself
fairytales are real
and the nightmares
could never be based off reality
but you got to stand up
ask that **** question
you know you won't like the answer
but you have to stop this nagging painful
atrocious
feeding frenzy
destroying you like cancer.
be brave,
and get that **** answer.

I grind my teeth,
this head ache never leaves,
I brush my teeth and the water runs a shocking red,
i bit into a banana today
and the bite marks were red,
my mouth keeps on bleeding
this pain is killing me
but I can't seem to stop
grinding my teeth

I have always loved
the winged beasts,
graceful,
powerful,
fiery,
that dwell in the mountains,
who horde gold
and beautiful women,
aware
of their power,
their enchantment.

It's no wonder, really,
that I fell instantly for you,
it's no mystery
why my heart pangs for your touch,
you graceful, powerful beast,
escaping society on your adventures
through the mountains,
you've got the gold
and no problem getting a beautiful woman
because you are aware
of your power
and enchantment.

You are a rare find,
you are the oldest fairytale,
you are
what has always been,
my fantasy.

It doesn't matter
how many layers
I put on,
this bed still feels
too cold to sleep
when you're not lying next to me

it was just a few days ago
I asked What Is Love?
I was so afraid
I might never know it,
and here I am
tears in my eyes
"9-1-1
I'm having a heart attack"
I was so afraid
I might never know it
now I'm afraid
this is what it feels like
I'm afraid I've fallen in love
and I pray
please god
if this is love
take it away
take it away
it hurts
it hurts.

You
make me weak
disregard
my wants and needs
You
bite me inch by inch
run your hands through my hair
kiss my neck
shove your hand down my pants
You
arouse me
more than is necessary
You
invite an animal
to stay in my heart
in my soul
You
bring out the beast in both of us
You,
want to play a game
to have a little fun
to **** around for the night
then venture back
again
into the wilderness
leaving me
wondering
what any of that really meant
You
make me weak
shaking knees
lightly pressing
my safe word is "Red"
Red
Red
**** you
******* listen
RED
You
take away my ability
to say no
to know what's right
You
make everything seem okay when you're here
and everything scary and lonely when you're not
You
want to touch me
but
You
don't want me
I
want both
yes
I
want
YOU

every slow song
        reminds me of you
every held note
        a lingering memory
every lyric
        tattooed on my heart
every pause
             the emptiness I feel in your absence

There's a space
next to me on the dance floor

I picture you in it

I raise my hands to the air
           praise you
run down my neck
           your hands pressing in
down my body
            squeeze me
my crotch
           feel me
to the floor
            exhaust me
throw them back to the air
a room filled with sweat
             *smells like you

you have no idea
                                what it feels like
to not be able
                        to *feel

she slept
  till 1pm
                thinking about last night.
she stayed in the sheets an hour more
playing every second
  over in her head
toying with the idea
that she could live in that night
                                       *forever

my hands
twirl my hair
clockwise
as my being is paused
in uncertainty,
for none is your master,
not even time.
no, you refuse to consort
not for any thing
not for any one
not even time,
not even time runs your schedule,
so here I am,
my hands go clockwise
as I wonder
how long
you will keep me waiting

Am I a fool?
waiting on a rainy stair step
      shivering through bitter winds
on the chance I might see
     headlights pull into the lot?
   That I could catch him smile
     as he sees me?
        Am I a fool?
two hours in
   to think still, he'll embrace me
and squeeze me so hard
     the million little paranoid parasites
     might just pop out,
             and while I bury my face in his neck,
I won't have to doubt.

        Am I a fool to think so?

you took out the dustpan and broom
and swept while I mopped the dining room
     we had every DIY cleaning solution
in the palm of our hand,
    we went through the house
with a fine tooth comb
          knowing neither of us
                  ever really called this place home

wrapped in his arms
                 I feel only warmth
               and un-yeilding
                  
                              *serenity

I walked by the counter

and noticed the roses,

drained pigment

now pink

and wrinkled

crisp and withered.

I think to myself

why, when ever did that happen?

only yesterday they stood tall and red.

I long for you to touch me
and love me
feel your fingers up my back
pulling on my hair
I long for you to touch me
and love me
but I
can't do it again
no I
can't feel the pain
of knowing
you long for touch
but not for love
you long for me
but
        not
                for
                       *me

I'm layin awake in bed
I want you out of my head
I wish I got out of bed
I wish I got out of bed.

I'm thinking about everything I know
watching you sleep next to me
wishing that I had said no
so all this weight and worry and fear didn't have to be
so I could stop being scared of how I look
put on my glasses and finally see

I want you out of my head
I want to stop checking my phone
I wish I never got in your bed
if anything now I feel more alone

I'm sick of looking in the mirror
                                             terror
counting calories
jealous of all your memories
wishing I could be your masterpiece
framed on a white wall in your favorite gallery

mannequin pale
face just as blank
trying to be what you want
I don't want to lose you
knowing I need to lose you
fixated
paranoid
finicky
and unsure
now I'm laying awake in bed

I want you out of my head

I wish I got out of bed

I wish I got out of bed.

I
cannot sing
hardly speak
but my fingers
can press the keys
can pluck the strings
I
cannot sing you a love song
but I
can write a tune
so long
so dark
so deep
it'll make you close your eyes
make up your own lyrics
and you won't need to hear my voice
to know exactly how I feel

How dare I
how dare I
do such a horrendous thing
how dare I
how dare I
do something I can't take back
well here I go
saying no more
            no more
my body my temple
my mind my palace
my soul... my ******* soul.
how dare I
fall so easily
how dare I
maltreat myself so
how dare I
let myself feel so miserable
how dare I
eat bad food
how dare I
lose all control
never again
no not again
I keep telling myself
next time I'll say no
but this time the hurt is too much
the need is too great
how dare I do these things
so no more
     no more
I'm going to make a promise
pray for me that I keep it
how dare I let myself hurt so
so no more
please, to yourself, say no more too
if you, like me,
have dared to inflict horror
have dared to give up your body
have dared to give everyone a try at your heart
make it like putty
drop it get it *****
how dare I tarnish my soul
so no more
    no more
here I go
taking a step forward
                                                         ­    saying
                                                 no ******* more.