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Feb 2014 · 895
Story Tale
Feeling Real Feb 2014
The butcher at Ken's is a psychopath
Whom has eyes especially for one
I, intrigued, approach
and the opening of truths commence
I, indeed see ****** and revel in such
Inescapable madness of the best kind
Feb 2014 · 345
Zachary
Feeling Real Feb 2014
Limbs long, dragging lazily
demeanor wavering and hazy
Your protruding hips and wrists
I devoured on sight
My mind palace holds them
to be recalled while lonely or jealous
Someone else gets to touch them
they feel the hollows of skin
and grab, or run their fingers along you
Smooth, gentle, light flutterings
Hands encasing that which lie lost
Baggy clothes, hiding you from all
My notions are innocent fascinations
I could run my hand along all of you
at least once without getting bored
I've lasted months without
I could longer, but I'm weakening
Perhaps, not even seeking another
I can wait
Feb 2014 · 491
The Mask
Feeling Real Feb 2014
A man to love a man
while I am here
staking claims on all
that I do not have
I will not possess
I  abhor the thought
I rise and dress
thinking only of a mask
Sanity or brains
clever thoughts in a train
Ha ha!
and no one will tell
except those I tell
and there will be naught
I am wiser than that
until second thought
Feb 2014 · 645
For a touchy hand
Feeling Real Feb 2014
How you waver and you tilt
while you walk or move
Images flickering behind your eyes
shadows rousing from their dens
making themselves home
The center of your life
The itch to have to get it right
You could give in, but mind is will
and body as it's follower
is of no importance to you
So you lay, awake, stretched
across all the space you can take
Your bed is solitary
The last place to take freedom
and stand your ground
Laying on the comforters,
freezing, window open
to let in winter as a gift to yourself
Because you deserve something
after putting yourself through all you do
Feb 2014 · 341
On weight
Feeling Real Feb 2014
I believe I could shrink
if I tried hard enough
so I must not want to

Somewhere, deep down
or, likely, close to the surface
I am a glutton at heart, at least

So I stay, a stable one hundred and thirty pounds
I've heard a skeleton weights 15 pounds by itself
and the organs add 25 more

I am 90 pounds of something that shouldn't exist
What is the point of wanting to be less?
Why, BMI 20, do people tell me I'm thin?

I don't get it
I can't see it
I am not it

Perception is silly, sometimes
Feb 2014 · 185
Untitled
Feeling Real Feb 2014
i want to **** myself
i want to die
take a handful of pills in shame and forever fly
how unfortunate
i am now distraught
i want to end
i cant believe i did what i did
i cant believe i was open and honest
and i am not who i want to be
he knows it and can see it, too
i want to die
i want to end
and never see another one again
Feb 2014 · 525
Anorexia
Feeling Real Feb 2014
I do not see what they see
but I'm frightened that I do
and they see this massive form, too

I exist on coffee and air
more often than I'd like to admit
But it's worse to say when there's food involved

It's shameful to be scared to consume
while every calorie is an expansion of tomb
of your skin that you wear daily

And you grow larger and larger
while not eating much or nearly enough
and you really do see it that way

You wonder, everyday, has one person noticed
Wondering if there has been any change in appearance
even though the number on the scale keeps going down

You believe it for a moment
and in the mirror you can see it, finally
You're smaller, even sickly, and it feels good

But then you lose your control one day
and you eat and eat until you can't physically swallow one more bite
and though the weight gain is nowhere near noticeable
You're just as fat as you were when you started
Feb 2014 · 324
It is Not I
Feeling Real Feb 2014
I need to purge
Negate existence
View less, consume less
I will see, explicit
facts and earning
and statistics to abuse
That I will use

Unable to accept
My powers, inept
Waiting and wishing I were what else
Someone not subject to Self

Lulled into security
Fathoming worth
It is not I
Feb 2014 · 1.2k
Pecola Breedlove
Feeling Real Feb 2014
Can I
itch or scratch away
myself or essence
Memories in
reveal youth
old truths
a new being
Naked
bathed in skin
made for quiet
overlooked
except the sin
just with him
I
Can I
wash clean
in water
new life to end
flowered
carried in winds
black and dull
I
beyond measure
circumstance
happenstance
by birth
disgusting
What was it?
Can I
remove old ache
Wake
not an It
I
What am I?
existence
stripped of me
What is I?
slightly parted mouth
thigh
closed eyes
shut off
away
inside
I
no longer I
Can I
nothing else
recollect
no recollections
and mention
no family
or their ugly child
Pecola
I
Just I
Blue eyes
I knew
Can I?
Jan 2014 · 292
Haiku 1
Feeling Real Jan 2014
saddled on top of her own world
an empty nothing
i exist though i wish i didn't
Feeling Real Jan 2014
Subtle touches of spirit and body
both received and given graciously
excite an unknown itch for me to ignore
What else, I reason, are emotions for?
I don't pretend to see nothing for no purpose
Rather, to ignore the reality of it's existence
because I think in all possibilities there is a void to fill
It must be platonic, without touch and only words

I relish being alone and separate and quiet
without even the company of few
From my position, I see clearly, that is not you
You edit your gaze and attentions in my presence
where I could be constantly, if I wished
At every glance, hidden or sly, I notice
and I shrink further inside myself each time

To what end are the gestures applied to my psyche
as, certainly it must be obvious you must facilitate growth
in me, as I halt my growth at command
I do, I must because I can control it
If not myself, then anyone I meet is victim
to the matherings and manipulations of mind
I propose and then set in stone
You musn't be aware
Jan 2014 · 367
Starving myself
Feeling Real Jan 2014
To take up less space than you currently do seems deceiving
It announces the decision to all who care to know
You are always only a self
The condition of the body serves no purpose to the self
only to those viewing it
So, to what end does this physical reduction cease being an observation?
One could imagine that the physical aspects of an individual were indeed their character
but such is merely fantasy
After the desired state is achieved, the self
unmarred except by the result of the change
still, separately exists
Jan 2014 · 784
Joanne
Feeling Real Jan 2014
You believe that after a time you can be free
Yet you take no steps to gain distance
between your self and your wants
You want most to want what else he wants
it's too obvious how carefully you tread
and cry for help inside of your head
Jan 2014 · 438
Hunting in Bristol
Feeling Real Jan 2014
Morning in the dark of winter
long before the sun could rise
I am awake and itching to see the Earth
To go outside and breathe in stifling air
that only stifles if you expect it to
and it's awfully quite funny to pretend
and it's terribly amusing to ignore
until outside, and you wonder,
What is the pretense for?
Jan 2014 · 473
death
Feeling Real Jan 2014
Ah, yes, so this is reality
wrapped up and defined
a mere inch of cosmic truth
a mere fathom of existence
and we exist, yet
in the realm of senses
relishing the feeling touch leaves
on your nervous system
where the signal is reached in your brain
and your atoms and molecules are solid for one moment
but then there is no awareness
and you are again existence and the cosmos
Jan 2014 · 358
In a Room that Vanished
Feeling Real Jan 2014
Listen to the lilacs catch hold of the breeze
They move outside of the window and their scent breathes
The room is filled with the dry heat and bloom of a long-dead Lilac bush
Jan 2014 · 575
stream of consciousness
Feeling Real Jan 2014
A funeral at 8 years old, with no attachment felt
I dissociate, realizing mortality for a moment
and fall into the monotony of routine and life
a protection of fragile ego and, possibly, sanity
A thought, inescapable, I will die. One day I will
no longer be here. So what of existence, and what that of reality?

I live in a denial of truth, lingering in my youth
far beyond what I have ever expected
I am really going to grow old and wither
My molecular structure will be the destruction
If I can't figure it manage to find a way to save myself
because when I die I'll find out absolutely nothing
*What will happen to my consciousness, all that is really me?
Jan 2014 · 856
capitalism
Feeling Real Jan 2014
I own the ears of a muskrat and fox fur earmuffs
with $35.00 I didn't own and didn't make
and didn't catch or **** prey, and yet I reap the benefits
Jan 2014 · 573
Willows
Feeling Real Jan 2014
I've met a man who has traveled the world
while I boast an intelligence I don't believe in
I talk, as if I have learned something
His eyes follow me
as if I had something for him to take
There is no information or physical form to give
I am a hollowed tree
Disgusting from the outside and mostly empty
Jan 2014 · 1.4k
On the subject of death
Feeling Real Jan 2014
Nature delivers all that she promises fairly.
She hands us the reality of death,
to be either denied and abhorred or accepted and understood.
I lay under an opened night sky, bitter.
I am agony as the stars wax and wane by my eyes inability to focus.
Of the lessons to be instructed,
this seems, to me, so implored by my spirit.
Looking out into the nether,
my mind attempts a fathoming of what it means to be endless,
like space seems to be in any singular moment.
When I am close to an end at any moment,
my mental prowess is under strain.
All things, even those beyond my grasp, are cyclical.
Stars are born from dust to die in dust.
The Universe, born, will end.
Our Sun, the life-giver, warmth and light,
once mere molecules will return to such.
I can not escape this truth.

I, like all life here, was born to be swallowed back into Earth.
A cruel thing it is, to be destined to loss,
always looming in the future.
In our past, all have been ended,
like I will have been to those who proceed me.  
I have long-since been swallowed by rivers and dirt.
I have given birth to grass and inspired trees to bear their seeds.
I have issued new men to prosper and time to pass.
Though solemn this truth, all will follow behind me.
Inspired by William Cullen Bryant's poem Thanatopsis. It is a great read, so please do not hesitate to read if you enjoyed my take on his work.
Jan 2014 · 505
Transition
Feeling Real Jan 2014
I am an innocent child
perceived as a nymph
more desirable than I can comprehend
I, a poor wretch, used up
drained of what I could be
Twice now, destroyed
brought back down to Earth
I had escaped long ago
It took so long to heal
and now, again, nothing seems real
I am in a state of transition
It took 7 years
to be fine for 6 months
7 years to heal for nothing
but a half year of complacency
and I'm broken again
It feels like my fault
Jan 2014 · 1.1k
Vile
Feeling Real Jan 2014
this poem may trigger and is entirely, as the title suggests, vile**


A black room in faded blue light
night time party
We have drugs and alcohol and nice men
for your individual company

I drift between all conversations
he insults my intelligence
he’s so much smarter than me
he can prove it without trying
and I really believe it

A black light lit room
he’s been waiting for time
to stroke my ego and then put me down
I let him

My hesitancy is to be expected
he's older, he knows more than I could
I wouldn’t want to wait my whole life
for something I can get now
He’s so much smarter than me
I am so beautiful
worth forehead kisses and lingering touches
deserving of his attention

So we touch and writhe
and then again, later
there’s no real witnesses
and I feel cared for

Then morning light comes
and he informs me he did not
so I am obligated for round 3

In the bathroom
while the shower runs
freezing cold over me

I messed up, please stop
but I must have not been too scared
because I only asked and didn’t leave

His fist pulled at my scalp
and he told me I liked it
made me tell him I loved him

"You’re never going to get this anywhere else
You’re going to come back to me”
I'm shaking too hard to hold myself up

I’m crying, stifling it into my arm
I’m trying to shut up
but it hurts and I can’t think

"Shut up
You want me to come, don’t you?”
I want it to be done
Jan 2014 · 525
January Tales
Feeling Real Jan 2014
I need to adjust myself
and view the past as it is
not as how I wish it
Not through eyes of a deficient
appetite and mind and mood
Careless
Maker, mine, keep me safe
Hold me how you like
I will like it, too

You are an art
fully deceptive and eager to ruin
whomever you can let yourself touch
I let you touch me and I am ruins
I am stupid, and wrong, and scared
Careless
Maker, mine, keep me safe
Touch me however you like
sure I like it, too

He let me go
he let me leave
I want to crawl back
like a frightened child for him to hold
He grinned as he hurt me
Careless
He grinned while he hurt me
Hold me how you like
I will like it, too
Jan 2014 · 625
Yet
Feeling Real Jan 2014
Yet
I was warned against the continuation
and the ever-growing fantasies that result in obsession
because mine and his, together, would ignite and explode
I was washed against a mirror image
wherein I only saw futures imagined
I was sure to earn only those I could let burn
How unfortunate for me, I live and bleed
because to extinguish one would warrant the other useless
and, in turn, to obtain a purpose, to draw a line
two things I can not do while tied in twine,
are all I can imagine would redeem the wretch
of thoughts I cater to for actions I now can not do
I am repeatedly told I idolize the ways of old
By smart and dumb alike, I’m told I am humourous
I am intelligent, an idol to mold into if they could
To the untrained eye I am nothing but joyous
though my final trap crept up, noiseless
and slowly, creeping, silent, I accepted this deed
wherein I allow myself to die by forgetting to feed
This end takes time and is my greed and guilt
because nobody would sympathize with a flower who chose to wilt
I was once light, the Earth’s true child
who hoped and wished for relief for a being higher
but that was once, a very long time ago
before I had dedicated years to feeling only my woe

My selfish end will come, and be just that

because no matter my weight, I am always fat.
Jan 2014 · 412
Small Wishes
Feeling Real Jan 2014
I'm wasting time again
rather than giving in to temptations
that leave me guilty
wishing I'd had forethought
or the will to resist

I'm on the mend again
insisting I am no longer deprived
though I love to be light
and everyone who pays attention would notice
as I climb or fall by inches
|
Sep 2013 · 505
The Empty Season
Feeling Real Sep 2013
The season dies
in lampshade light
I crawl from the shelter
I have made in bed

My intent is shrouded
like the sun is clouded
I know I felt her
before all of this

It was convincing
she insisted
on an expensive retreat
from the earth, as it is

So while the plants sing
and the intuitive collapse
in heaps
Sonne laughs at the bruise
she creates and keeps

— The End —