we often talk about the future,
how we would love each other.
endlessly.

but,
will you still kiss my scars
will you still love my flaws
will you still take a glance at my bruises
or
worst, will you dare to look at all the wounds that i own?

will you still remember the reason you love me.
you said,
"None of that matters"

but i guess,
it matters now.
as i cant feel you anymore

have you ever thought to fall in love in classic way?
like, two love birds will glance at each other eyes.
or atleast, exchange their favorite books.
or drink coffee.
or cuddle in each other's sweater at 3 am.
so he can play around with her hair.
and tell her how wonderful she was to him,
although she looks like a mess at the hour.

do you ever thought,
that this little simple things can make love grows?
we're all nowadays; actually, not in love.
we're just seeking, desiring, wanting,
to feel the love.

we dont even get the idea of falling in love.
that's why people get hurt.

you dont understand
it's how i fight.
and how i protect you
from being hurt.

but you never seem to understand
what im trying to do
all i want to do is, to save you.

because you know i never know how to spit the word out.
im sorry that you dont understand how i roll
im sorry that im different from the others
im sorry that i crave for you attention too much.
im sorry for being me.

im so sorry. it's just me

will you love me when you see the true colour of me?
-the ugly side of me?

or

will you ever say that im pretty?
-when i cry?
-when i'm awake at 2am in the morning?

will you stay after all the imperfections, scars, and the pathetic me?
will you?
will you say those words again..?

because i wish for nothing,
all i ever desire and crave for was,
wanting you to stay.
even during my ugly days.

(28th May 14, Wed)
*Ai

it happens again
im left all alone again
im sad again
im.. hurted again
i thought you're going to be here
with me all the time
just like what you've promised

oh my mistake,
you lied
you left
..

i..

(18 March, 0222am)

Died
left hanging.

half of me
died
and gone

i dont know
im not sure

im done

besides, im just a mess
terrible mess
where no one would love me for who i am
(again)
where no one would dare to see the real me
im all tired keeping this inside
not pretending but
trying to be the best
i cant compete, i know i'll lose
and lost myself
that's the worst part

i wish to be lucky
i said that, and not knowing how blessed i am
i wish to be her
i said that so can feel love
but i never knew she has her dark sides too

well, what's the point anyway?
we're going to say goodbye in the end.
we're going to be left in the end
we're going to walk away in the end
letting things go is the point.

*(Ai, March 22)

not a poem but something that have been stuck in my head since four years ago*

High school was never easy.
Even the happiest person said that they have a bad memories in high school.
They get bullied
Some people would said that I should treasure everything that happened in my high school life.
I know. IVE TRIED SO HARD.
But I cant.
Folks in high school are weird.
Not that weird. They're...... 'weird'..
They're full with hatred
-full with negatives vibes
-full with idk why the heck they want to bad things to other people.
For me, I dont know.
I dont enjoy anything
Everything looks so depressing
Full of hate..
I tell you
I've been trying.
And its my fourth year now
Trying to be positive
Trying to understand everyone in the school
But
I think.. This things cant be help no more.

Everytime I walked into my school
My depression level increase to level 99
My loneliness can be felt..so clear
My self-esteem drop like hell

High school even teach me not to trust everyone.
-people always leave no matter what why when or how.

No wonder some people killed themself
-some kid do selfharm
-some students would ditch school
-some people do drugs just to run away from the school probs

Idk is it just me or what

Oh gosh.. I wish I can just scream at them in their face.

I saw you in my sleep

But its different this time
With your clueless eyes, and
I can feel it in your chest, your hopeless heart
That is beating but.. Not sure
You smiled, a plain one.
You then grab my hand
And hold it
And hug me tightly
Like a goodbye
like we're not meant to be together

I still can feel your warmth..
I look at you in the eyes
Waiting for a clue
why
You kissed me and left me clueless
And, you fade away...
And I've never seen you since then

But
Im very sure
I saw you in my sleep
I saw you in my dream

*(Ai Oct 9)

I wish to be in your arm at this hour
In your warmness during these cold nights
In your hugs when Im all insecures
I wish you'd shut me with putting your fingers on my lips.
I wish you'd laugh at my lamest joke.
I wish you'd hug me from the back while I was busy doing stuff.
I wish you and I could cuddle under the blanket. No i mean just cuddle.
I wish you'd wipe away my tears when I cried and kiss me.
'Its okay Im here' just simple as that. You know you can get me.
I wish you're here playing with my hair.
I wish you'd stay.

Most of all
I wish you were mine again

*Ai, Oct 7

Im awake
Thinking bout you
But you probably in your deep sleep
With her lullaby that she sang for you

Im alone
Thinking about you
But you probably in your dreams
With her hair in your arms.
Well basically with her
--cuddling
And sleep.

You left me alone again tonight.
You love her..
You do
I can see it in your eyes
I can see the way you talk to her
I can see it when you hold her hands
Things changed.
Im no longer your favourite
Im no longer in your playlist.
Im slowly fading away from you.
Im no longer exist inside you.

I wish you can see me just like how you see her.
In the eyes.

*Ai, Oct 6

Im tired

I look so ugly at 3am.
Im a mess when I woke up.
Im not that attractive while walking down the streets.
And i wonder how did you love me
And how can you say that Im beautiful.
Dont lie.  
You dont love me.
You are lonely
You are bored
You missed being loved
And thats why you wanted me to stay.

I;ve been left twice. Without knowing why the reason was.
Left unsaid. Left hanging. Left.. alone.
It puts me into despression.
I started to mute.
Being silent is my favourite.
Reading books. Alone in my room
--Something that I'd enjoy.
School?
Another depression. With people walking around me.
Staring at me like Im some kind of an idiot.
Stupid.

But,
I didnt shout to anyone who's trying to talk with me.
I screamed. I screamed thru my playlist.
-thru papers
--thru my stare.
Yes, no heard me. I like it.
People said that Im sick.
Im not sick, Im just sad.
and no one tries to understand me.
To hang myself or to cut?

*(Ai, Oct 4)

Weak -- I called myself.
Breathing and walking, but I cant feel any energy of mine.
Am I...even moving?
I cant even help myself.
I keep saying "it's okay, let's try again, shall we?"
I..am too gentle to myself.
Somehow, people like that side of me.
Too gentle, too soft.

And people starts to waste me.
Hurt me. Smash me, **** me. Slowly
With their words, with their stare.
In silent, but with meaning.
Meaning--
hate, hate, hate you and more.

I knew, I know,
but I didnt say anything. Not because Im scared.
But because Im tired. I cant shut each of their mouth.
I cant please everyone.
I know I cant.
Because Im too gentle. Too soft.
I rarely talk.
Worst than ever, I cant express any of my feelings.
People will judge me
They'll say
Poor little girl, you're pathetic. Such an attention seeker
They said that.
I heard them. Even when they're not talking.
I can see it, in their eyes. Even if they didnt tell me what did they thought about me.

But still, I didnt speak.
I say "it's okay, let's try again, shall we?"

*(Ai, Oct 3)

I even feel your fingers in my hair.
Playing around with me like a little kid.
Back then, those rainy days, you'd hug me from the back.
and when you're just tired, or left with nothing,
you'd just lay on me and sigh about life.

Dont worry, my petals,
I'll stay. As long as you want me to.
I hope you'd love me more. when I say that I'd stay.

*(Ai, Sept 30)

Back to where you belong.
Back to where you used to say 'I love you'
Back to where you used to give all you have.
Any chance? I asked
No guilty feelings, shameless.
Such a selfish
says you.

Im sorry but I want you back.
I want the old you back
I want all the sweet things back.

most of all,
I want us back.
and alive.

*(Ai, Sept 30)

your fingers, that used to touch my nose,
--are not mine anymore.
your giggles that caught me gazing over you,
--none of its were mine again

we used to talk. we used to walk together.
with love
sigh
what if we didnt die that day?
what if we love more..
what if we stay a bit longer..

you let me die
you dont even try to save me
you let me drown
you let me down
you let me walk away

*(Ai, Sept 26)

look. how far we've moved on.
into completely strangers.
even with saying hello, we made it **** so awkward.
i cant breathe when i see you.
and my heart aching and breaking, and im completely lost when seeing you.
and her.
i dont know.
i missed us too much i guess.
us, the strangers, now.
the completely lost one.
i wish we or us can stay even longer.
or love longer.
atleast.

Because I know you so well
You wont keep your words
or make any of my dreams come true.
Somehow it makes me sad.
and pathetic.

Im all afraid and lost that I'd died again
just like the old times.
you turned me down.
and left me hanging.
it hurts, and it's such a nightmare to me.

Because I know you so well,

*(Ai, Aug 25)

Im no one
and wish to be noticed by you.
wish you would share a lil bit love of yours
or care of me a lil bit.

Im in silent,
staring  at you.
--silent
but dying to be notice by you.
this special wish, I hope you know.

but, you wouldnt notice me, aite?