i just want to be the person you write poetry about.
not even good poetry.
the poetry of 1 AM text messages
that try to spell out love in sloppy metaphors about stars and eyes
the poetry that swells up in your throat while you're tired so when you speak it into my voice mail it's just "you're so beautiful and wow i'm so in love with you"
the poetry of rearranged letter magnets on the refrigerator
the poetry of small notes in jackets,
half rhymed abandoned words you scribble out between classes and forget in your backpack.
i want to be the person you spend hours scratching your head, tugging at your hair
trying to frame "you're so amazing and i'm waiting for you to realize i think you're so special" into beautiful flowing words.
i'm just saying
write me poetry and i will dance
like dust on your tabletops
glimmering in the light of the sun

You don't wear jealousy well.
Its raised hackles bring out the green of your eyes
and the dark, animalistic way they've been lit lately.
You foam desire,
claws empty.
You are peeking through the key hole.
While I'm trying to peel my back from the door frame.
Where I've been slumped since you walked out,
tail tucked but shoulders certain.
Now, I hear your frantic scratches and whining.
Wild dog, I know you'd go running
in the other direction
if I even placed my hand on the door ***.
I feel you just want to know there's a bowl for you
and a warm place by the fire.
Fine, you have it,
but my heart cant hang
by the leash on the coat rack
unused but hopeful.
That's too much to ask.

I met your easy laugh on the ocean
where fire beings seem to love to be.
We like flirting with impossible unions.
We came together to the sound of wave crash
sizzling like water on a stove top
spilled out by shaking hands.
bright beings lost in fever for each other.
I couldn't leave you in the ocean
the last day found my hands shaking around paper
pushed light int your pocket
I know you've kept it safe  
so i wonder if the way we walked on the islands
is burned into your memory.
I wonder if i am new in the place of your sweet tooth
you are new in my list of addictions
under the label
"not bad for you"
I wonder if I'm filed under
girl who laughs and loves like a teenager
free and unguarded
for the first time sense the first time
I'm not a warning at the port mouth
pecked apart by crows and groaning
this is a pirates love affair
you've amnesty or the map to the treasure
all that's left is the choosing.

In a momentary haze your mind spins
It droops and falls helpless into a vortex of
Smallness insignificant cold uncaring lonely
Smallness of the day when everything big
Either hurt, or used or didn't bother
It knocks the air out of your lungs that suddenly
Have no cause for breathing for why waste the
Precious oxygen? Yet you inhale in quick desperate gulps
And the ground slips from under your feet
It's all pointless - to save yourself, to seek help, to go on
Too small too emptied and filthy with their intentions
In tension with the needs needs needs...
The hopes that you found suitable for fire setting  
Pointless naive stupid hopes
So hatable you demolish them at once
Into waste under worthless sign
Forget the pain whatever it takes
It left you with blisters and hanging shoulders
With your chin tucked underneath your
Self-worth and you are not walking you are
Dragging yourself along the path
In the direction of pointless consumerism
And fame fame fame is all you wish, its all you hear
It's all you know of care because it's all that keeps them around
Them the faceless the soulless manikins that
Seem to have something you don't
Those hatable bodies that fill up the space
Around your black hole
And you fall and you fall and you fall
And all the things you have don't make you happy
And praise or kindness makes you paranoid
And you take all these little tablets of oblivion
Together in one gulp to forget
Just how far you still are from where you
Wish... if only you could wish to be

It is
And it's changing
The wind into summer shower
Into mushrooms and birds mouth
From river to the sewer
It is and it's changing
From dark to light to dim with
Speckles of sun born by the
Mirror in you childlike hand
You are catching dust bunnies
Sneezing and laughing
And the dirt could be followed by magic
And the kiss isn't greased by the notion
Of sin and the sin is only a word from the book
Death and insanity
Are frightening and profound
Your world is built from
No buts but ands
And they flow into peace
Just as well as the film of oil
On the ***** puddle
Astonishes you with
An iridescent rainbow
Duality is born by fear
You split and separate so
Caught up in the survival game
To keep that face and partake
Of wealth and fame
Empty is locked in the dungeon
And the words interlock
In plain patterns
Yet alive as they produce sounds
And the smell of tangerines
On a tree by the coast of Sicily
Reminds you of the day
When you could still enjoy
The warmth of sun
It absorbed into its juicy flesh
And there's no need to run
No need to stay
No need to cut off the ties
When life offers you more
And the heat and cold are feelings
That gets names as they replace each other
As they flow unstoppable
Dripping reactions
Burning like acid and smooth like milk
All in one glass
And when you have no thoughts
Ask questions
And when you feel the pain
Stay present and consider humanity

Your memory comes flooding in tonight
Like a punch in the gut
I spent the day actually happy
I can't help but feel guilty
How could I be so happy
When you could be here
It was your choice I know
I still can't help but feel guilty
You tried to warn me
Screaming
Begging me to save you from your own mind
Thoughts
Self hate
Yet,
I walked away
...
I should have known
I can't help but feel guilty
That you could still be here
I wouldn't have tried myself
That maybe we could have been
Anything then we are now
And I can't help but feel guilty

I miss you man won't you come back
You were loved man didn't you know that?
You saved my life, I could talk to you
I could have saved yours if I only knew

Was it my fault that you ended your life?
Did I hang the rope, did I sharpen the mind?
I can't help but think that the night I O.D'd
That you came and rescued me

I am writing to lessen my pain
Hopefully somehow I keep sane
On occasion you'll see me cry
And understand clearly
I didn't want you to die