you hold me up high on a pedestal-
your perfect gold shining trophy.
//
to you, the world has always been different tones of monochrome.

the sun was pale- almost white, but not quite.
the oceans were their own hue of gray- special and unique.

and when I befriended you, I took a variety of pigments
and started to paint a spectrum of light onto your canvas of reality.

you always gush to your friends and family about me-
how charismatic and lovely I am.

how I touched your icy grey eyes with my bright blue hands
and gifted you with a sense of sight.

and I'm honored, I promise I am.

but darling, there is vibrant yellow sunshine in your veins
and a purple haze in your mind.
there is stardust that shines brightly within you,
mixed right in there with your cherry-red blood.

there has always been color in your life.
but you never quite allowed yourself to see it.

I'm not anything extraordinary. but I hope that when you realize that,
you'll  keep the colors that I inked into your life.
//
and maybe, you'll keep me, too.

darling, I know the voices in your head
can go on for hours each day
about just how insufficient you are.
but I'd scream from the top of my lungs
just so you could hear the truth:
you are enough.

you have always been more than enough.

it's 11:28 pm, and it's been exactly
two months since you told me
you were going away.
two months since I kissed you,
two months since "I love you".
two months that I've missed you.

and I promised myself that I'd stop writing about you,
because you no longer deserved it.
---
but here I am, a month later, and I still compare
every new person I meet to you;
I still find pieces of you in song lyrics;
I still check my messages hoping that maybe you've changed
(either your mind, or your personality, or both).
here I am, a month later, still writing about you, love.
and I wish I wasn't.
I wish your name didn't make my cheeks turn slightly red;
I wish seeing pictures of you smiling with other people,
better people, didn't make my heart sink a little;
I wish I could convince myself that you're not worth it anymore.
---
we'll see how I'm doing next month.

you were so toxic.
you took everything good that happened to me and
breathed your poison all over it, because you needed
some kind of evidence that you were a dominant figure in my life.

but for whatever reason, I loved you anyways.
and I know you loved me back, in your own twisted way.

that was such a dangerous position for me to be in, because
I was never sure if you wanted to kiss me or **** me;
your mood dictated it all.

regardless- I would've given everything up for you,
because I saw light inside of you,
buried somewhere underneath all the rubble of hurt and anger.
and I was so determined to unearth that light,
that one little piece of you that was proof of you being human.  

darling, I should've started running from the first day.
but you know what they say:
"sometimes the person that you'd take a bullet for
is standing behind the trigger."