Every day brings me farther away from the past,
I'm so thankful for that.
For someone who always felt out of place, out of touch,
belonging is a graceful wonder.
I messed up so bad,
went too close to the edge,
walked right up to the end,
turned around.
I got tangled and mangled and strangled.
Then I pried the hands off of my neck
and broke them.
I was belittled and betrayed,
so I stood up and walked away.
I grew taller with every step,
so I didn't dare stop.
Every day further away from the past is a sweet reminder that
it
gets
better.

My head is heavy
My hands are weak
Guilt on my throat
I can never really speak

My neck can't hold up my thoughts
Jesus Christ, you're all I've got

Never would have let this happen
Too much on the line to lose
But maybe it's better than the other way
Maybe I really needed you

The truth of the darkness is
I carry broken hearts with me
Scars and stars and all kinds of
Bittersweet

But I'll use razor trails as notebook lines
And write a story on my skin
I'm brave and scathed
And I swear I'd do it all again

i won't ask for help unless i'm certain i can make it on my own
because if i'm not going to, no help will help

i don't talk about my real feelings
i'd rather to pretend to have the ones i should
so why should anyone trust me?
i'm a liar
i'm a good person, but am i? i say i don't judge
but of course i do; this world is too ******
i'm ****** up from the get go
before my real life started, i was destroyed and just when
i was supposed to find freedom
i had to find survival first
i'll never say what i want; i don't think i deserve it
i will not ask for anyone to understand
i always think i've done something wrong
that's a feeling i am used to

i'm supposed to be most dangerous because i know i can survive?
how about -- i'm your weakest link because i am deathly afraid to go back to where i've been?
i'm supposed to know i have the strength
i'm supposed to use what i've been through to my advantage
how about -- you could knock me out with a good plan and a nice final leaving line?
how about -- you could hit me in the face and i would feel, deeply, that i deserved it?
what if i told you i feel that i am the most vulnerable soul walking the earth, and i can barely stand to type it because, well... who is going to use it against me?
they tried to crush me when they thought i was strong.
they did.

Smart women they were.
Knew a lost cause
when they saw one
and fled town
before it burned down.

  ~mce

I don't expect you to get why I have such a hard time moving on, forgiving.

But I also don't expect you to get how bad it hurt.

How it tore me apart.
How your four letter word burned.
1. u
2. g
3. l
4. y

How much that twisted
what I saw in the mirror.
And how it killed me to look at those lowercase ls on my wrist and have them spell
fat
and
ugly
and
you
will
never
change...

Maybe I don't get it either, maybe I don't understand why I let it hurt me.

But it did

and
now
we're
here.

Wondering what happened to
our first love.