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ellis danzel May 2014
This is the introduction to another cliche poem about love...well maybe.

I just want to meet one **** person that enthralls me, that doesn't end up just wanting me for ***. I honestly thought that maybe she'd be different. But, to her, I think I'm just a one night stand.

I mean really??

I just need her to tell me she felt something different with me.

I just need her to tell me that I'm more than some stupid one night stand.

I just want her to tell me that she could fall in love with me...because whenever I'm around her, I'm always blushing, I'm always bashful, she brings out the shy little boy in me.

or maybe,

I'm crazy.

or maybe,

Its just the hormones.

The testosterone is probably driving me little insane.

Oh the unfortunate life of a transman. Sad, but true.

...with a smidge of anger, but that's besides the point...I'm always angry, I'm a poet.

and if there is one thing you need to know about this poet,

its that he likes going off on tangents.

anyways,

I just want to be with her.

Simply because she rocked my world... In more ways than one if you know what I mean.

I want her to be mine...or the respectfully equal to me in the form of a consensual relationship type partnership type thing.

whatever floats her boat...

because I just want to be the ocean underneath her.

and as if this poem couldn't get any more cliche, I'd like to point out that I'm a bottom or whatever that means because I guess she's a top...or at least she's the top to my bottom.

and I like it that way.

Call me a melodramatic hopeless romantic fool, but I want it to always be that way.

because I knew from the moment I saw her briefly make eye contact with me for the first time...I wanted to be her bottom, her ocean, her bashful little trans man. I could list titles forever, but I wont because I'm trying to be serious.

I read her some of my writing that night, and in truth I knew that she enjoyed it. Despite fact that she doesn't like poetry and she apparently doesn't make any exceptions for anyone... I could see in her eyes that I astonished her.

I hope that some day I become her favourite writer, maybe then I could rock her world in return.
ellis danzel May 2014
The memory of you may fade someday, just as the scars on my body. Equally the pain you left behind may never be seen to the naked eye, but you don't need a microscope to decipher the origin of my torture.

The moment I decided to begin to forget you, my body began to fight back. Attempting a last ditch effort to stay committed to you. It continued to taunt me. Reminding me time and time again that resisting the urge to love you was an ugly futile effort that most likely acted as the key factor to my demise.

You are a part of me. No matter how much I fight it. You moulded me into something so vile and vindictive, yet so passionate and loving.

In breaking me, you taught me how to love. And what to avoid. And how to reject someone.

This is brainwash I'm spewing. I still believe that who you made me to be is actually someone I need to be. Consequently I'm lost whenever you are around because without you I cannot function.

My thoughts are tirades. My emotions are garbage. You might as well give me a name tag that says Oscar because day by simple little day I still wallow in the filth you created through the mind games and the mental torture.

You abused my gullible delicate soul. My fragile heart couldn't bare to watch me suffer so I broke off a part of it and left it behind as a parting gift. For you and only you.

How ****** up must I have been to deem you the only recipient of my good byes. I was only dishing out what you wanted hear... What you trained me to do.

I may have gotten rid of you, but what you left behind were the unbearable scars of your love.

I can't breath through the PTSD.
I can't breath through the foggy memory of your love.

I loved you, but you broke me.

Your love is a torture that I don't have the luxury of abandoning.

You bled me dry. Every fiber belongs to you.

To this day, I still strive to please you.

That is the sick truth of our love.
ellis danzel Feb 2014
As we're walking side by side my hand accidently brushes yours while you are talking. I had been paying so much attention to the story you were telling about the old family dog you had when you were a kid, that I couldn’t control my body’s subconscious action.

You then told me about how you made him go to all your tea parties, assuring me that he was the life of the party and that he was so much better than all your stuffed animals because he actually ate the cookies.

I quickly pulled my hand behind my back nonchalantly reaching over to scratch the opposite forearm. I saw your eyes shift over to me slightly. I knew that I should have just acted like nothing happened because in all actuality, it really was nothing. But then, I decided that you probably noticed either way, so why should it even matter?

I then gingerly bit my lip as I began to stare at my feet. I could feel your eyes looking me up and down almost as if you could see all my thoughts scattered across every inch of my body. You were reading me like and open book.

Almost suddenly you had gotten quiet. I could hear all the voices around me more clearly. The city streets were bustling with all kinds of college kids, families, tourists, and city employees. The fact that it was scorching out had no effect on the people in this area. This wasn’t the first time I had been down south, but I still despised the dry heat and the fact that I was so terribly nervous made my body sweat so much more prominently.

It took me a moment, but I managed to look up at you hoping that I wouldn’t be able to catch your eyes.  After doing so, I found myself raising my head to your puzzling ****** expression which seemed to be giving me a look that could almost be personified with a series of intense pondering questions. One of which, you finally chose after a few seconds of silence. Then, in an instant, your expression changed.

I could almost see the exact moment in which you realized that you were exposing your inner thoughts. Seemingly alarmed your expression quickly became softer. In the midst of this, I was bracing myself for your interrogation.

You asked me if I was alright and if it was too hot for me outside because I hadn’t really been saying much of anything since I arrived in town. I was able to mutter a slight response, assuring you that I was fine and that I was simply thinking exceptionally hard about something.

That was probably the worst thing I could have said. Having realized that I had set myself up for another series of questions that I did not want to answer, I quickly added that it was nothing important and that we should probably be thinking of what movie we wanted to see tonight.

Slightly ahead of us, on the sidewalk, something shiny caught my attention. It was a penny that was tails up and as we came up on it, I bend down slightly to pick it up. I quickly handed it to you encouraging you to take it so that we both could have good luck, in hopes that you would forgot about what I was thinking. You just causally smile and look at me with those piercing eyes of yours. I smile bashfully in return, and then continue with the request that I was asking of previously.

By then, my stomach was churning with butterflies and I began having trouble thinking about what movie we should see. I guess that I was so caught up in my thoughts to notice that you had placed the penny in the front left pocket of your plaid button-up shirt and then proceeded to interlace your fingers with mine.

In the instant that your skin touches mine, my face turns flush. You noticed, then smirked slightly, and proceeded to tell me that you were excited for the movie.
ellis danzel Nov 2013
My love for Christmas sweaters hasn’t changed.

I never got to know your touch,

And through the cold and winter days,

The scratchy wool was enough.

Now nothing can keep my body from shaking.

I just cannot wear them without aching.

I just cannot wear them without breaking.

To me,

The sweater was your touch.
ellis danzel Nov 2013
Keep feeding me pleasant thoughts.

Spark each of my brain cells.


Set off a chain reaction, and ignite my soul.

I can see the truest of blue thoughts in your eyes just as they were the day that I met you.

Send your breath across the wire.


Speak softly enough to trust. 


Fill my ears with compassion, and my lungs with lust.

My ears still perk the way that they did the first time that I ever heard the syllables of my name cross your lips.

Cascade the sensation of your touch through the spaces around me.

Share comfort where none should be lost.

Let the shadow of you never leave my skin, and cover my body like early morning frost.
ellis danzel Oct 2013
I am terribly sorry that I ran into you.   I can see that you are a bit puzzled because you think that you know me. Perhaps we have met a time or two or maybe every holiday last year, but I don’t blame you for forgetting. You see, I have changed…quite a bit and I can tell that you are very confused. It’s not the way you are looking at me or the way that I am looking at you, or the way that you are looking at me looking at you or the way that I am looking at you looking at me.  Wait, why are you looking at me? Oh yeah, you are probably wondering whether or not to ask me if I am that sweet little innocent queer barista at the nearby coffee shop down the street or the “****** up ****” that your daughter so disgustingly fell in love with during her crazy high school phase.  Yeah… that may or may not have been me. You know, you might want to tell your daughter to call me because she left some things at my house and I have been trying to get them back to her for years now.

Oh uh…Who am I you ask? It seems that you still aren’t following me. I mean my identity means nothing to you…or at least it shouldn’t, but I will try to enlighten in the best way that I can. You see, my identity has always been the person that you see before you. It’s just that for most of his life, he was trapped under the softly sweet smelling perfumes and make up that tortured him for a good solid 15 years.  His identity masked from everyone around him. The man you see before you is indeed the imaginary boyfriend that your daughter claimed to have all those years of middle school because she refused to bring him home for fear that her parents would call her a lesbian. He may or may not also be the “****” that you refused to acknowledge every night at dinner on every freaking holiday he was at your house every year during high school; Your daughter’s Lesbian friend that was conjoined to her hip 24/7. Little did you know, I was the boy she wanted to marry, the one and only person she ever felt loved her. He hid in plain sight for several years. Yet you never noticed. That is, until the night you caught us.

You see, I am not the Lesbian that converted your daughter. Or even the “****” that ruined her life. I am the boy who has always been by her side through everything. The man who promised to forever remain by her side, through whatever life tossed her way. I fell in love with her on the first day of 6th grade and I haven’t stopped loving her since. She will forever be the love of my life and….Wait why are you crying? I have some news that might cheer you up. You know that sweet boy that your daughter has been seeing, who she has refuses to bring to dinner? Yeah…you may or may not be looking at him. Let me introduce myself, I’m Aimes.
ellis danzel Oct 2013
I wish you could hear my heart thumping from the miles between us.

I wish that your finger tips could glide across every inch of my skin just as an ice skater skims the freshly smoothed canvas their feet call home.

You are my home.

I wish I was a snowflake in your hair, I would cling to each strand tightly and become one with every cell, creating a bond between us stronger than any atom.

Then maybe part of me would be stuck to you forever.

In the summer you’d have the memory of the sky I came from and the stars that created me.

The sky was clear the night I met you; each star twinkling with its own perception of fate.

I want to become cosmonaut, so I can visit each destiny. Maybe then, I could find the one that fits us best. The one that would have made you stay.

One night you told me how we should count them all. Tossing our thoughts in the sky recklessly, desperately trying to match the dim lights above in uncertainty.

The darkness consumed our thoughts, ******* them into a black hole that gave no promise for return. Those twinkling thoughts diminished, lost in the vastness of space, forgotten as they slipped away into the night.

The coldness of space is unforgiving and so is your love.

You branded your name on my heart, each letter making a permanent home in my flesh.

The scar of your love is something that my body will never part with, but I wasn’t good enough for you.

I could never take care of you the way I needed to.

The stakes were too high, the distance too vast. It was too good to be true, too bittersweet, and all the other sappy clichés in the book.

I trusted you, with my heart and though you broke it in two, I’d do it all again if I knew that you’d try.

If I knew that you believed that our love was stronger than the bigots around us, and that you believed that the love I gave was enough.

The thought of you resides in the back of my mind; occupying my subconscious like a living dream.

I can still hear your voice just as clear and crisp as it will ever be.

My body begs for you, but all I can feel is your ghost.

Your presence lingers in the air above my bed dancing about in the night masquerading as fireflies.

They used to be my nightlight. Now they fuel an insomnia that is colder than night itself.

Forgetting you is not just as simple as putting your picture away.

I might have to suffer from a concussion that will bless me with mind numbing amnesia just to forget the way you touched my soul.

Your love will forever be infused in my veins and whether or not it haunts me I’m sure it’s not something

I’d reluctantly get rid of, unless I had no other choice.

So I will continue to cherish those memories, no matter how painful. In hopes that someday you’ll come running back to me.
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