A long while ago
Perhaps a year
I wrote a poem
About a beau

And now,
He's back
And better than the last time, I can tell
And in my heart he shall be allowed

He says all these great things
True to himself
He says he's changed
But how deep are these springs?

I am willing to give him another try
And I try to glaze over any doubts I possess

I urge to reach the sky
Touch the clouds with your hand in mine
I know we can
Will you be great with me?

And if all falls back to Earth,
I promise to always care
And attempt to do good by others.

Words in a courtyard
Returned ring
It all ends

See maroon jackets
And I think of you
Controlling my urge to cry

Without the intimacy
I'm alright
Though I still care, and I always will

Now
I am not alone
I'm just not attached

Dream of another
Stuck in my head
Make me wonder

Where do I go from here?

To the other figure?

Do I take my time?

(All in due time.)

From close up
I am deceived of what I feel
Doubting myself
Asking, "do I really love this guy?"
But far away
I say I love you,
Or I simply say your name
And a grin spreads from ear to ear

Close up, I love the feeling of your arms around me,
The hearing of your voice and feeling the rolling vibrations come off your throat, your scent so comforting
Far away, I long for them, to feel your arms, to hear and feel you speak, to be with you

Your words of love make my heart float above the surface and far into the clouds
But I sink back down to the seafloor with self-deprecation
And anchor myself with insecurities, past horrors, regret and fear
Am I holding myself back?
Is it that I do not love myself?

Am I fooling myself completely?
I'm not certain if what I feel is real
I don't want to play with your heart
Tis a delicate matter
I don't want to lie to you if I'm not certain
Or maybe my mind hasn't registered the message from my heart
Maybe it's just me
Maybe I need to step back from this tree of belief
And reexamine from afar
Maybe give it more time

I apologize for the confusion
Back to the regularly scheduled programming

I find myself again
F
  a
    l
      l
        i
         n
           g

Towards pain
Towards pleasure
Towards desire
Towards love
Where talking to one person can make me so happy
Where not can make me so frustrated and sad
And I wish not to stop
My d
         o
           w
             n
               f
                 a
                    l
                      l
Despite the possible consequences
I will not live with regrets

Digging down deep is difficult
So many things these days only skim the surface
Or what we are capable of
No one dares to look inside
Afraid to shovel out the bones buried in the graveyard of memories
Afraid to be paralyzed with the fear that is ever apparent
Cry the tears that are ever evident
Be struck with the burning lightening of anger
Or the shallow mallet of loss
We bury them all so deep
We believe nothing can touch us
There is no way any being on this earth can touch this stone cold iron heart, no one
Then someone comes along
And without knowing, teases out little bits of that heart
Melting it slowly
Leaving us vulnerable once again
Exposed to others
What we wished to avoid in the first place
Sometimes, the person tosses the glass heart aside
Shattering it into a thousand sharp pieces
And other times, they cradle the masterpiece of human desire gently between their hands and place it on a shelf only they can reach
And toss you theirs for safe keeping
A gamble of emotion
An exchange of hearts
Love it is

Feeling all
Embracing all
Fearing not
Love it is...

Long gone friend
Thousands of miles away
I've been all wrong

A friend like no other
You've been there for me
And been ignorant to you
Only thinking of myself
And none of you

You are the one I run to when I'm down
And desperation is all around
You help me pick up the pieces
Using you dry to hatred I have
There's not a fix for this
But I say my apologies

Older brother I see you
An adviser through the fire of adolescence
I've broken you so much
And yet you tolerate me
Yes, you tolerate me
And yet I still have the nerve to be ungrateful
And I have made you so hateful
Oh a cruel reality indeed

You are the one I run to when I'm down
And desperation is abound
You help me pick up the pieces
Using you dry to hatred I have
And I cannot erase my mistakes
But I say my apologies

I am young
I am weak
I am stupid
I am meek
You are strong
You've helped me through so much
Then I went and broke your love
And we stand
Ever so far away
In every single way

My wise adviser
Rich with the creativity of poetry
I have hurt you
I've ignored you
I've only come when I've needed you
And I'm so sorry
I cannot fix what I have done
But I'm sorry...

See.                    I'm.                                
No- ­                     fi-                                   I  
   thi                   ne.                             was
     ng                  I'm.                        up
        is    ­            Go-                   rea-
          wro-          od,                 lly
               ng.      Okay            late.
           I had a snack before I came.
             The.                              I'm
       make.               I'm                Just
up.                          Not         ­         Tired.
Makes.                  Broken                      I    
      ­ Me                                           Don't
           Look.                                 Feel
                   pale.                Well.
                   Yesterday was great
              I just.          I'm            I just
          Had.                Ha-            Like
      A bad.                ppy.               The
Sleep.                                               Style.

These are the threads
Of my web of lies
That I build above your heads
Strenghth ending everyday

My common day lies
Spun like spiders silk
Drifting unbroken in the skies
So plain it stands hidden

Entwined strings of excuses
To form a mask from the world
With a million uses
To fake that I am whole

Because I am the spider
Creeping through the day
Dangling off silk as my web grows wider
Trapping all the flies