I sit here and let this Punk Rock fill my mind
it's like a sweet drug, just so ******* kind

Madness and violence then swirls the room
that's ******* it, get ready for doom

I'm so angry and I need a release
this violent girl has broken her leash

You created this beast, you little ****
I am no longer that little runt

I'm ready for destruction tonight
You better hide, cause my mind's not right

I want to pit and smash your head
*******, ******* I wish you were dead

I'll connect my steel toes with your face
be ready, this isn't delicate lace

I hate you and want you to hurt
Your the ******* bottom, nothing but dirt

The dirt I stomp on and kick around
This Punk Rock is the most loveliest of sound

I'll rage and swing my fists about
I'll knock you straight the **** out

I hate you and want you to bleed
*******
cause
Punk Rock
is
all
I
need

It has come to the end of my program everybody, Saturday will be the three month mark!
I am finally going home, to my mother, my friends, my old life. finally going home back to where it all began.

I'm going back to my old life. no more daily meetings or special routines, no more smoking areas or 30 minutes of being watched after I eat. no more non-usage of sharp objects or everything else they consider harmful.
saddest thing they cannot take is my fingers or mind. my hands or insecurities
I am so afraid I'll slip. I don't want to end up back where I was
but I'm hoping for the best and believing in myself for once.

I have a disease. Bulimia is my sickness and self-mutilation is my crutch
I've always been so ******* myself, always got into some new addiction or harmful habits.
but this just had to be the worse of all
everyday I carved at my body, leaving little memories
everyday I threw up my insides, wanting to be beautiful
Every **** day
I hated myself.
but I'm better.
it's not much, but I am.
I'm ready for my old life .
I'm scared as ****, but I know this time it'll be different
~

I have learned so much while being here, and I'm so grateful to everyone who has helped me along the way. It's been a battle against myself and I will never fully be recovered.
I didn't have any friends while out here or my mom, it's surprising that I only had my brother and hundreds of people I never knew to lean on.
I've been so lost and selfish for so long and I'm finally realizing that I do have people who care. I do have people that I just can't let down
and most importantly,
one of those persons
is
myself.
I want to be happy and I'm willing to try.
I want to be independent so that I can show everybody that I can do this and that I'm ready to move on.
It will most definitely be a struggle, my problems will never go away; however this time, I'm ready to try and be the old me.
I want to be the happy Emma, the smart Emma, the Emma that everyone used to love.
not this sad, sick girl who has taken over.
I will never fully be recovered, but I'm ready to let go and live.
I can do this, I know I can.
Emma can do this, I know she can.

*I will never fully be recovered, but I'm happy and ok.
and that's good enough

Maybe I'm not really like you
Maybe I'm not good enough
Maybe I'm not "tough" enough
or
crazy enough
Maybe I'm never what you really wanted
Maybe I was a lie
Maybe I was...

Maybe you're not really like me
Maybe you're not good enough
Maybe you're not "tough" enough
or
crazy enough
Maybe you're never what I really wanted
Maybe you were a lie
Maybe you were...


Maybe..
oh the possibilities
of
a
simple
"maybe"

There's a war inside my heart,
I can't seem to depart
a dying soldier right from the start

these missles are going off, blowing me apart

The ruins of hurt and anger clouding my sight

running for my life, which way is right,
darkness or light,
give in or fight?

can I survive this destruction
or
should
I
hide away and save my self?

I am not ready.



but in the end I am the soldier

and you are the battle

and I am simply a forgotten casualty
in your
warzone

Spotlight is on me.. yet again
I am the main attraction; the one they all came to see
The one they laugh at. The one they joke about
As long as I've remembered, I've always been the "ugly" one, the "awkward" one
A freak
and I'm starting to believe these controversial jokes
I am a clown
and they all seem to laugh at my downfalls
but

**Whoever said I wanted to be in this circus?

10 pills down,
1
overdose to
go

you've faded away like the ashes
and whirled about in the air
like the
smoke
that
escapes
my
mouth

I hide so well behind this face full of cake
they don't even realize this smile is painted on, being held in place by my blood red lipstick

the blush on my skin is perfectly placed, it is as fake as my laughter
something dead cannot react

this precisely drawn liner that accentuates my wide-eyed innocence is similar to the fresh scars that line my wrist and thighs

the foundation i use every day is starting to crack
and girls,
we all know how much
we hate cheap
*concealer

i'm so ******* sick of this
i want to give up
i want to slash at my skin
i want to blow my brains out and have you watch
i want to hang myself from the ******* front door
i want to lay in a bath of bleach
and scrub away with kitchen scissors
i want to bang my head over and over in the mirror
let the shards tear away at my face and **** me up
and throw myself off the stairs
and snap my ******* neck in two
i want to swallow all the ******* pills in the cabinet
and
rip out my hair
i want to slice my thighs and create a map
maybe then you'll find me
help
i'm a ******* disease and i'm beginning to consume my health
where the **** has my sanity gone
these thoughts are running rampant in my mind
and i can't ******* shut them up
SHUT THE **** UP!
LEAVE ME THE **** ALONE!
GET THE **** AWAY!
i'm sick of myself and
i
just
want to
*******
give up

Be my light, my own bright sun

Shine upon me

And warm my chilled skin


*You've already burned me my love

all i want is someone to look at me and accept my scars
too look deep in my soul
and see the pretty that drowns in my fear

i see nothing but wrong in my ways
and i need someone to convince me otherwise
or one day
these scars will re-open and bleed away*

next time i wont drown in my fear
but
*my own rusty blood

You said "I love you."

And I think you should know, my dear love
that
I've completely fallen down

I'm scared of my ownself

I thought we were something real
I thought you would be the one
and
I though you said I was safe?

yet,
I'm laying here all alone
while my demons attack me relentlessly

while my scarred skin is bleeding once more and aching with pain

while I'm grasping at my body so I don't fall apart.
I need you and you never needed me
and
I'm sorry
I'm sorry for not being good enough
I'm sorry for my scars
I'm sorry

they don't see what they've done to me
ripped apart my positivity, broke my spirit

i am a lost girl with no hope

and
i
*******
blame
each
and
everyone
of
you

You're such an optimist and that tears me apart because you don't view the world as I do. You don't feel the pain I feel or the sorrow that fills my bones when I'm not in your arms. You don't suddenly cry because the end for us is near and I'm counting the days. You don't fear the emptiness like I do because I've lived it and I don't ever want to fall back into the hole of melancholy. I am scared of what's going to happen to me when you leave and I'm alone at 3 am without you near. When I'm terribly lost and looking for pain. I am scared to be without you.  So when you're 6,000 miles away and forgetting all about the drunken nights and silly laughs we shared. Or the mornings spent in bed making love for hours at end. Or the afternoons where cigarettes and coffee filled our lovely silence. Or when you're looking into the eyes of the beautiful new girl who'll steal your heart and change your whole view on "love". When you simply forget to say that you'll always love me or miss me as much as I will always yearn for you.
Just remember I wasn't ready to be in love, but I still fell.  Oh dear love, I still fell.
*I am hopelessly and endearingly in love with this man.

you take
it all
you fake
a fall
you wait
for
an encore
but I
don't play anymore.

winter is my favorite season

i get to wrap myself in coats and scarfs

beanies and gloves

it's the best time of year;
the only time
no one asks
why i'm "always covered up"

winter is my favorite season

because
i
get
to
hide
myself
away

You blew me away on that cold November day

after you held me in your arms the night before

I was whirled about in your silent storm

after you whispered "You're safe with me."

Now here I am, the day it all began

and to you, I am nothing but

the

cold

unsettling

wind

Please don't leave me, even though we know you have to

it's so new to me

to feel this way
in such an unknown emotion..

*happy and free

And with every beer I drank

I

Fell
More
in love

With

You

you write of love
and
i write of sadness

two worlds i hope can collide

*i want your love to bury this sadness

So before you say you love me,

Let me say I smoke way too many cigarettes and i'd rather watch the ashes burn then to see you fade away.

I think of you no longer being by my side and honestly, it scares the **** out of me. I have loved you for so long now and have given you so much of me, but I don't think I even want it back. Keep it, keep me. We have been through hell and back and then heaven in between. It seems to me that I could have you for the rest of my days and I'd still love every single flaw, every single demon you possess and all of your beautiful traits. You have latched me into the security of your arms and now I don't want to let go. It tears me apart thinking of you in the arms of another, of someone else thinking of you the way I do. I know it can happen, it happened to me. I don't want that for us because I STILL want us. I need you and love you. I need you only because you're my blanket, you warm me when I'm my coldest. I need you because you gave me hope at my darkest and I need you because everything wrong about me seems right when you're here.  What I need is the way you listen to me when I'm ranting about useless problems, what I need is the way you protect me when I'm a drunk fool. What I need and what I just want is you to still love me. I want you to want me as much as I want you. I hope you do- I don't know whether or not to give up or continue trying- just lessen the storm in my head and let me know we're ok and always will be. We have our whole lives ahead of us and there's millions we haven't laid eyes on but for right now I'm happy with keeping my own locked on you. And sometimes I don't really know how you feel, but I know how I do. If it's not enough me just loving you and wanting to keep this continuing on, then know that it doesn't matter. You could push me and shove me out of every open door that leads to you and I'll still try and kick them down. I want you right now, later and in times when I didn't even know you. I love when your hands are on me, exploring and exciting. I love when you kiss along my neck and I can feel your breathing. It lets me know that this right here is real, and you are real. That these feelings are have are not just made up or copying the fairytale stories we all know, but that these are my own. My own emotions growing and tightening at the sight of you; the thought of you. I have so many stories I haven't told you and so many fears you still don't know. I want to recite every poem I know by heart and have you watch me as I undress. Undress my clothing, my masks, my skin. I want you to see me and think you are so lucky to have someone as crazy and needy as I am. And I know it's a hard task. To love someone like me but if you're willing to, I can love you just as deeply. It's like you have awakened something in me that had died long ago. I can do absolutely nothing with you there and still have the time of my life. I can tell that whatever piece that had slipped away from me before is trying to emerge again. It's because of you that I can feel it. And I may be just some girl typing and hitting the keyboard with hurried hands and racing thoughts but it's when I'm thinking of you that I feel this way. I may not be the most beautiful thing to ever touch you or the sweetest person you've ever tasted but I want to be and even if it means only for awhile then I'm still willing to give myself to you every time I can, at any moment. If you're willing to accept that then you can have it. I'm not ready to let go regardless of all these changes, I'm just ******* not. So I will fight for you everyday until it's no longer a prize that I get to see you or hold you in my arms. Can you love me the way I do you? Because even if that answer is no, I'm sorry baby but I'm not going away that easily. I consider you my first real love because you have taught and brought so many new things that the ones before couldn't. I have you now, and if now is all I have then you should know that now is what I'm holding on to. I'll hold on until you have to pry my fingers off of your presence, until you have to scream at me to go away. I will yearn for you until every last piece of honey you have is ****** dry. I will cry and I will be a pain in the *** even if you don't want me. Even if you're not even mine. I don't know what this is or how it's ending or if it already has but let me tell you something, I want you to hear these words even though you're not besides me.. I am in ******* in love with you and I don't care about distance, or time, or silly little boys or silly little girls who will be prancing around. I love you and that's that. So until the the day comes when I no longer have anything left in me, I hope you understand that I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere and I just hope that you take something from this, that you believe these words and that you feel the same.
I love you
I love you
I love you

always awake,
and the sad truth is
all i want
is to
sleep
so
i
can
see you
in my
dreams

because

my dreams
are
the
only place
i
am with
you

I finally gave you what you wanted,
I gave you me.

and like I knew in the beginning,
and discovered in the end
lost, sad little me
wasn't worth it

I love you more than myself
and you have always
had love
for somebody else